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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 year old and £2500 gaming charges

111 replies

squaresausage · 13/02/2019 00:54

I’m in shock. It has came to light my son has racked up £2500 on fortnite and other games on both the Xbox and Nintendo switch. He has stolen my husbands bank details to do this. In addition he has set up a paypal account which he has been transferring money to spend on these games over a period of time, starting in October and ramping up through January and February. He is distraught and described it as a horrible addiction. My husband does not check his bank statements in any detail and only realised he couldn’t purchase cinema tickets today as his bank account is empty. I’m at a loss how to handle this in the most effective way. He has been undergoing CBT for OCD and is in all other ways a hard working and pleasant boy. Involving the police would involve a criminal record at his age. He has promised to pay it back, but I can’t see how he can. Has anybody had a similar experience?

OP posts:
Ratbagcatbag · 13/02/2019 06:49

I think as much as I'd want the police involved I wouldn't do that. It could have massively reaching consequences.

However to show how deadly serious you are I would absolutely be selling all consoles, and his smartphone. I think this shows that you mean business and he won't be back on his console in two/four weeks. Otherwise he will think it will blow over.
If he's addicted as he's said he is anyway then selling the consoles is the right thing to do to remove the temptation.

I feel for you as it must be gutting to discover what he's done and how much has gone.
And whilst you're annoyed with your husband for not checking it's not his fault.

Original poster
squaresausage · 13/02/2019 06:55

Agree 100% on selling the devices. He also has a laptop, which is also used for schoolwork, and this also been confiscated. He also has a smartphone which I still pay a contract for, but if I can get out the contract (runs until Dec) that will also be getting sold. I’m reluctant to sell the laptop so not sure what sanction with this will have the greatest impact.

LivingBoy Agreed. I am most concerned about the deceit. This is not a mistake. He knew this was wrong.

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 13/02/2019 06:56

I have total sympathy OP. My Ds1 did similar, many many years ago: Stole Dh's credit card details and spent a huge amount in one month,so we only noticed when we got the statement, and another huge amount into the next month.

It was truly awful. And I was so ashamed.

You have my every sympathy.

Original poster
squaresausage · 13/02/2019 06:57

ratbagcatbag you have completely summed up my feelings. Feeling teary now. Thanks x

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 13/02/2019 07:00

Don't be ashamed OP because that abdicates his responsibility on to you. He knew what he was doing and actively went out to deceive you. I wouldn't be erecting a banner outside the house but if you have supportive family and friends then do confide in them. If there anyone you know in a position of authority who give him a talking to without directly reporting to the police. Maybe a friend who works in finance or law of some kind?

PixieDust92 · 13/02/2019 07:03

Xbox are usually pretty good if they can see a child has racked up a bill they refund it in a 'one off' situation. I'd certainly wouldn't allow him to have any console for a long time

SoaringSwallow · 13/02/2019 07:03

Laptop only to be used for schoolwork and at the kitchen table (ie only in public).

I feel for you.

Fazackerley · 13/02/2019 07:03

I wouldn't contact the police. I'd sell the consoles and do as others have said re paying money back. I think getting him involved in outside activities is a good idea. He's only 13 but has shown that he has the potential to be quite a serious gambling addict which I think you need to tackle head on. Ignore the posters saying your dh should have checked his account. Your dh is a victim.

SoaringSwallow · 13/02/2019 07:04

Also email/tell his counselor don't wait for him to bring it up.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/02/2019 07:05

I would sell everything - including laptop (although I might keep the money aside to by another in six months time).

I would speak to the police and see if they will speak to your son.

Fazackerley · 13/02/2019 07:08

I wouldn't sell the laptop
Use it in a public space. I'd would DEFINITELY get rid of the smartphone though, sod the contract. I'd get him a basic Nokia instead for calls and texts.

Fazackerley · 13/02/2019 07:08

And I'd be tempted to talk to the school about it.

GoGoGadgetGin · 13/02/2019 07:09

Could you sell the smart phone and put the SIM into a basic type phone? Therefore keeping the contract and contact? I know 02 let you reduce your package. Also could you sell laptop and he would have to go to school or local library to do homework?

Murinae · 13/02/2019 07:09

My daughter did something similar with candy crush saga and spent £1500 in 6 weeks though it was her own bank account so no stealing involved. We did contact the company and she got some but not all the cash back so it is worth contacting them and maybe PayPal too if it was false details. Normally you also get emails about each purchase so he must have somehow intercepted those as well.

BrusselPout · 13/02/2019 07:09

OP just reading your update, and it strikes me that your son knew exactly what he was doing because he purposely stole from the account that doesn't get checked rather than the account that was already linked and gets checked frequently. He must have realised that you and your husband have different approaches to managing money and targeted your husbands account. This wasn't an out of control addiction, or something that he did by accident, it was a thought out theft.

I'm so sorry this has happened, you must be so disappointed in him but you need to give some serious consequences for his actions, PPs have given some good ideas

Fazackerley · 13/02/2019 07:10

If you.manage to get money back then don't tell him.

Jaxtellerswife · 13/02/2019 07:13

I just wanted to say ignore the early posters, nobody is ever to blame for being a victim of theft. It's not your fault

Ratbagcatbag · 13/02/2019 07:15

I'd keep the laptop but password protect it so you have to load it up and log in for him.
And then he uses it only for homework in communal areas of the house when you're around.

It's a really really stupid and deceptive thing he's done. But don't involve the police at all.

My DSS kept clicking buy on Xbox fifa players when he was a similar age. He absolutely knew what he was doing, but the thrill of chasing the better players kept him going. He spent nearly £200 before we spotted it.
We went mad. He had a ban for six months, we took money back from an account or his to pay it back and passworded everything.
It didn't feel like a police event at the time, as he was just pressing buy, but if we'd have done that my DSS wouldn't be travelling the world in the Army now as that would have shown on his record.
He never did it again, and was incredibly apologetic, and despite a few bumps is now a very lovely and caring 20 year old.

Elfinablender · 13/02/2019 07:21

I presume, given how shocked you are, this level of deceit isn't typical of his normal behaviour? I'd be a bit worried about him, tbh. I just seems so extreme and I wonder what compelled him to act like this and what's happening in his life.

IStillMissBlockbuster · 13/02/2019 07:26

Well this is an important life lesson moment for him OP. He absolutely MUST pay the whole amount back, otherwise he will not learn consequences. HE should sell his devices, give him the responsibility for fixing this and he'll be grateful to you one day. Honestly, what he did was beyond the pale. It wasn't a case of spur of the moment, impulsive actions, this was thought out and enacted over months. The consequences need to be at least equal to that.

anniehm · 13/02/2019 07:31

Its horrible but you can deal with it, first thing is to get your son to regulate his computer use - best way is some sort of time lock or better still, it's in a communal area (our PS4 is in the living room). They he needs to "pay" you back, realistically not with money but chores are a starting point, a set programme each day taking into account school work and once the grass needs cutting he should be encouraged to leaflet local houses offering grass cutting, many older people struggle to cut grass and he can earn a few pounds which he should offer to you (or you stop all pocket money so this is his income), he could also babysit, wash cars and get a paper round at 13. Selling one of the consoles is fair, and everything else only used in communal areas under supervision. (We also bought school laptops so rubbish they can't play games on them beyond minesweeper!)

EvaHarknessRose · 13/02/2019 07:42

Keep the laptop for use with you supervising.

I think this is more addictive style behaviour than OCD compulsion. He seems to think this, so don’t muddy the waters, deal with it authoratatively as parents without being unneccessarily punitive (he pays it back, he loses significant privileges, to make up for the game time, you will need to invest a lot more time in him as parents, unless you want his OCD to proloferate and low mood to come in to the gap. So I would also agree some hobbies/sports to do together - this is where you get to be understanding, not punitive, while still carrying out action). The companies psychologically predispose you to want, then teenage impulsivity comes in.

Chocolatecake12 · 13/02/2019 07:43

He can get a paper round at 13. By 14 I think I he can get a washing up job. He needs to be paying you back.

As pp have said sell the consoles and switch and smart phone.
I would contact Microsoft and explain. You might get some money back but if you do don’t tell your ds.
Are there any after school clubs he can join? Or scouts?
It’s hard to keep an eye on them 24/7 and you expect to be able to give them the freedom to use their spare time how they like without stealing from you.
Good luck op, please come back and update us.

Original poster
squaresausage · 13/02/2019 07:43

Many thanks for all the responses. There’s a lot of good suggestions here I will be following through on and each perspective has helped me clarify how to move forward with this. X

OP posts:
SpawnChorus · 13/02/2019 07:50

Oh man... You poor thing. I can imagine how difficult it must be to treat this with the gravity it deserves, while also keeping lines of love and communication open with DS (especially as you no doubt had preexisting worries about his mental health)... And all this while putting on a united front with your DH who you must be furious with! I hope this doesn't sound glib or minimising, but in the grand scheme of things, there are worse things that could have happened. As teenage fuck ups go, this is a biggie, but it's "just" money, and it's served to flag up some problematic behaviour in your DS. Hope you have some luck getting the money back, and that your DS learns a big lesson about his actions and responsibility.