violently attacked by ds, 12 - call the police?

[enoughofit]

Ds has been getting increasingly violent - he is already a couple of inches taller than me and a lot stronger/bigger (I am petite). He has just hit me repeatedly, hard, on the arm - I will almost certainly have visible bruises by tomorrow. It is not the first time he has attacked or tried to attack me or others. It is because I was trying to remove him from the computer which he was banned from today because of shouting and rudeness yesterday - he refused to get off the computer and was shouting at me aggressively and blocking the way physically. When I tried to move him so I could turn off the computer he hit me repeatedly whilst shouting in my face.

I've phoned my dh, his father, to come home (he was out for the morning) and sort it out as I can't deal with this any more. Dh is useless and I think a big part of why ds is like this, as dh gives in to him again and again and will tell me off in ds's hearing when I try to discipline him, so ds feels (rightly) there will be no comeback for his behaviour. Dh is not violent towards me but is physically aggressive - shouting and hitting things etc, so it is clear where ds gets the idea from (and our marriage is on its last legs).

Should I call the police? I need ds to realise how utterly wrong and unacceptable his behaviour is. I know he is only 12 and don't want to stereotype him as a 'bad kid' or give him that self-image but I can't live like this. And I dread to think what lessons he is learning for a future relationship.

Please help.

It's very common for women in this kind of relationship to be pressured to take on debt after debt - it means you're less free to escape, apart from anything else, and less risk for the abuser if you do leave. It's financial abuse. But it's very hard to stick up for yourself and say no.

OP you are describing textbook Emotional Abuse, coercive control, and also DV. You NEED help - let people help you ok? You're not the first and you won't be the last but you CAN decide that you will not be a number in those stats anymore. You absolutely can - I've seen it over and over.

Womens Aid freedom programme is vital and also brilliant, you will see just so much more in a new light. There is a different future but for that to happen you have to just make that leap no matter how hard or scary it feels right now.

I'm hoping you called 101 but my experience tells me you haven't and if thats the case that's ok, you can call tomorrow. But what you can't do - and I say this gently and with love - is do nothing. As by doing nothing you are actually doing something something very very huge; you are making the decision to stay, to let DS go unfettered, to let DH abuse and belittle you - staying as all is is making a decision to let it all get worse, with you and DC yet even further down.

I'm not trying to be challenging but I do want you to roll the tape forward.... if nothing changes now,, what will it all be like in 3 months? 6 months? 2 years? You see my point? It will get worse (trust me, I get no pleasure from saying that but I know it to be true).

We are all here for you. You can do this. Baby steps. 101 and womens aid top of that list

Please update us that you are ok and above all take care ok? It's the point when the abuser realises a woman is going that is the most dangerous point and for that reason too I ask that you please, please, contact your local force now

How are you this morning OP, please let us help you give you the strength to do what you need to do and listen to Sophie, she’s talking a lot of sense.

Thank you. Ds did a non-apology apology yesterday afternoon ie followed by lots of aggression and denial and blaming me. I'd said that unless I got a proper apology by that evening I would be calling the police. After a whole day of shouting, banging walls etc I got a period of calm early evening followed by a proper apology (no buts and said nicely) in the evening. Dh has removed ds's access to the computer completely. No (sorry Sophia - I couldn't bring myself to potentially mark my own child with a criminal record when he was apologetic), I didn't call the police. But your post (and billybagpuss's) this morning had me in tears - your support means a lot.

Dh even came up to the bedroom last night, after ds had gone to bed early, and set up the little TV here (not been plugged in since we moved here) and came and watched TV of my choice here with me and dd - normally he stays downstairs with dd and ds and ignores my existence entirely. So he seems to have recognised that yesterday was a worse than usual day.

Ds still being rude this morning - I asked him to do chores, explaining I have masses of work to do today and he said he might if he wanted to, said he didn't fancy the chores I suggested and walked off when I tried to talk to him about it. No apologies or reference to yesterday. Refusing to do his homework. So still disrespectful. I hope he has got the very explicit lesson about zero tolerance for physical violence (I think my reaction shocked him as he genuinely didn't see it as a big deal and now hopefully gets it is) but clearly a long way to go to get the zero tolerance for disrespect and verbal abuse (much bigger thing to walk back in terms of amount of it previously) and I'm less clear where to start on that.

Yes, I know what you say but I absolutely don't (and don't wish to) see myself as a victim - much less a victim of crime. It couldn't be further from how I see myself. I just want to live my life without this shit, without the rudeness, abuse and gaslighting. I did make some baby steps last night - identified some local groups and am keen to find one to join. I recommended the Freedom Programme (not done but know of it) to a friend going through awful dv a few months ago and she has done it and is so much happier in herself so I know how much difference it can make. Ideally I'd like to do it in a group but the ones I saw all seemed to run during the day - does anyone know if there are any that take place in the evening or if the online course involves doing it with a group or is it just like reading some webpages online?

Thanks for the handholding

And I agree with you, Sophia, I know things need to change and desperately want that. Have had enough (hence my username). Just don't know how best to go about that. And have no rl support to enact that. So all advice really appreciated.

"clearly a long way to go to get the zero tolerance for disrespect and verbal abuse (much bigger thing to walk back in terms of amount of it previously) and I'm less clear where to start on that."

Start by leaving your husband.

Glad you're looking into the Freedom Programme, that would be a good first step.

You could also consider counselling for yourself, ask your GP about free or low cost counselling options.

Hi @enough I’ve read your last update several times, I’m so sorry for everything you are going through.

Baby steps are what you need and hopefully the freedom program will be a good starting point for you.

Very often in situations like yours the horrid bits are interspersed with times when the abuser is being lovely, whether intentional or not I don’t know, but the result is you believe that things will get better. Unfortunately they rarely do and in order for your DH or DS to break the cycle they will need professional help. So the only certain way is for you to break the cycle by leaving.

I totally get that this is a huge step but really good luck with the freedom programme and I hope they are able to give you perspective. Good luck too to your DS it must be so hard trying to make sense of all that angst and anger.

You can’t comprehend the lifelong damage it causes a child to be made to live in an abusive household, all that cortisol flooding their brains, being in fight or flight mode during critical developmental times, home is not safe, no one is protecting you, parents spout crap about how ‘the kids don’t hear anything tho’, they feel helpless that they cannot protect the victim parent and try to appease the abuser, walk on eggshells, maybe if they act this way or that, the abuser will change. And then comes the anger. Your children can’t escape their abusive household yet, so getting them counselling started and strategies to try to repair some of the damage is futile until they’re no longer being made to live in that hellscape. To be fair, I don’t respect my mother one bit and I’m middle aged, I can only bear to be around her for a few minutes every few weeks. She reaps what she sowed, putting abusive males before her kids safety.

I'm just going to leave here some of the lyrics from Matilda.

Just because you find that life's not fair, it
Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it!
If you always take it on the chin and wear it
You might as well be saying
You think that it's okay
And that's not right!

This may sound harsh but, again, I say this with love - you may not want to be a victim but right now you absolutely are. You've been a victim of your male -stronger-than-you child in terms of physical violence. You are a victim of your DHs. The only way you will not be a victim - IE be the non-victim you want to be - is to instead be a survivor but that requires lifting out of where you are now.

And your son, TBH your update actually made me cry a bit. As no sweetie, he has not had any 'explicit' lesson nor pretty much any lesson. He ASSAULTED you - in the absence of a consequnce and a lesson on the same magnitude of what he did I promise you there is no explicit lesson. He'll attack you again in the absence of intervention, that's pretty much fact

It's your life and we can but advise you but until you see stuff more clearly, and for as long as you remain in the patent denial that you are, you won't see what we see. We'll be here though for when you are back, don't stop reaching out ok? And please, do think about the victim vs survivor model and be honest with yourself about where you are right now within that.

Sophia - you talk absolute sense.

OP - listen to Sophia. I’m a mum of a son who behaved like yours. I adore him and felt like you but I done him no favours. Did it get worse? Yes. Should I have acted quicker? Yes. You think you’re protecting him by not taking action but in actual fact you are enabling his behaviour and preventing him from getting the help he needs. You don’t want an aggressive violent teenager / man as your son, he needs professional help to work out why he is behaving the way he is and to realise he can’t behave like that. To help him get that help asap will come from a place of love. You want the best for him. The best for him isn’t sticking your head in the sand and hoping things will get better, until the next time. Act now.

Thanks for all the advice. Just started a new job and have no time/energy to spare. Shattered all the time.

Ds has apologised since and has been behaving fine since I last posted. Not that necessarily proves anything - he isn't rude all the time by a long chalk and is often better behaved when he wants something eg his devices back. But that said, we're usually very close and he is usually very affectionate, which is why it hurt so much (beyond the physical) when he attacked me. He's experienced a lot of violence in his relatively young life - not all anything to do with home, I should add - don't want to add too much that is more identifying than what I've already posted but I had a huge job supporting him after massive violence at school, in our (nice, posh) street etc. So I understand he's had a really tough time of it in ways he doesn't understand. And that he may see violence as not a big deal or as a norm for reasons that are not his fault and which in fact he has been a victim of. And I'm trying to tread a fine line of supporting him because he also needs that along with also making clear where his behaviour needs to be. Which is not easy.

Dh has been a bit more polite since then. But still very distant.

I didn't have any replies to my question about the Freedom Programme - does anyone know if you can offline courses in the evening? Or if the online courses involve other people? Neither is obvious from the website. Can't afford to do it until I get paid anyway! But looking forward to it.

And Sophia, I understand what you're saying and agree my norms are also skewed and I know I need help with resetting normal boundaries, which is why I'm starting with the Freedom Programme (and/or similar). Obviously, if I was starting out, I wouldn't choose to start from here in loads of ways but unmaking and remaking a life is much harder if children are involved because it necessarily involves unmaking and remaking their lives and they're old enough to have an active opinion on that and ones that may not be the same as mine which complicates things. And I have to try to act in a way that is comprehensible to them not just me.

Thanks so much for your support. It means a huge amount. I have felt like I was battling this alone as it's not easy to talk about. So thank you.

And thanks to everyone who's posted - really appreciate it.

Hi @enough, thank you for updating, I hope the new job is going well. You mentioned upthread that the new job was to buy things that DS wants. Can I make one small suggestion, once you've paid for the freedom programme, start creaming off a little of your salary each month into a rainy day/bolt fund just in case. I hope above all hope that you will never need it and things will work themselves out for you, but with everything you have gone through so far I think it will be sensible

I don't think a serious injection of money and gifts is what is in his interests right now.