violently attacked by ds, 12 - call the police?

[enoughofit]

Ds has been getting increasingly violent - he is already a couple of inches taller than me and a lot stronger/bigger (I am petite). He has just hit me repeatedly, hard, on the arm - I will almost certainly have visible bruises by tomorrow. It is not the first time he has attacked or tried to attack me or others. It is because I was trying to remove him from the computer which he was banned from today because of shouting and rudeness yesterday - he refused to get off the computer and was shouting at me aggressively and blocking the way physically. When I tried to move him so I could turn off the computer he hit me repeatedly whilst shouting in my face.

I've phoned my dh, his father, to come home (he was out for the morning) and sort it out as I can't deal with this any more. Dh is useless and I think a big part of why ds is like this, as dh gives in to him again and again and will tell me off in ds's hearing when I try to discipline him, so ds feels (rightly) there will be no comeback for his behaviour. Dh is not violent towards me but is physically aggressive - shouting and hitting things etc, so it is clear where ds gets the idea from (and our marriage is on its last legs).

Should I call the police? I need ds to realise how utterly wrong and unacceptable his behaviour is. I know he is only 12 and don't want to stereotype him as a 'bad kid' or give him that self-image but I can't live like this. And I dread to think what lessons he is learning for a future relationship.

Please help.

I’m not surprised.

Can you make plans to rent somewhere in 2 weeks? That would be something you could look forward to and start planning a nicer future for yourself.

If it happens again or dosent resolve please phone the police if you feel in danger. I know a lot of posters are saying don't because it will show up on x y or z. One would we say it like that to members of the public? Better know than latter when older when their consequences from the law would be higher. They wouldn't nessarily arrest him either, a lot of local authorities have YOT prevention which are great services. Or a voluntary interview. You could try the 101 service which could put you into contact with your local PCSOs who could work with him. Personally think this is the best way to go cause then they can refer to services above. I don't have to much advice about your DH, it's just I've been in similar situations with my eldest DS and have had to phone police in, mainly to do with his MH though

Won’t your DH leave? He is the problem in all this.

If you phone the police, social services will be informed.

You say the children won’t want to leave with you. You cannot leave them with your aggressive DH.

I would tell the school. We have access to a counsellor at mine, but even if thet haven't, they might know of somehwere that could help.

This is the saddest thing I’ve read in a while. I understand your desperation to save yourself but I worry about your children. As many others have said, your son acts this way because of his father. To leave him now would set in stone all these negative behaviours. And your DD, what kind of relationship will she end up in? Definitely speak to women’s aid and social services. Family therapy for the 3 of you could help a lot. Your DH is a lost cause. Your son isn’t, not yet.

If it happens again or dosent resolve please phone the police if you feel in danger

Donmt wait for it to happen again or for you to feel at risk of harm.

Contact school, social services, see your gp. Prevention is better.

so sorry OP - go to citizen's advice nearest to you first thing Monday morning if you can or go today if they are open. in ours you just turned up took a ticket and waited for next person to become available
tell them everything - they are really helpful and will help you to work out your rights/benefits. You are a mum with 2 children under 18 so you will get help if you have to get out. You will also get working tax credit if you have one of your dc's living with you. You can get a part time job maybe - just anything to help you with your bills.

I would phone the police for advise rather than full blown reporting him, a PP said something about that flagging SS which could potentially be helpful to you.

However in the meantime and in anticipation of your salary I think you should start making preparations:

Speak to women's aid for advice and maybe a solicitor with a view to start divorce proceedings,
Start looking around for a flat or a room to rent for a while.

Don't worry about your DD2, she will have to go through the anger but will realise its for the best in the long term, and if she's doing A levels I guess she'll be off to uni soon anyway.
In the longer term maybe talk to someone about some counselling for your son, I am pretty sure that if he decides to stay put your DH will very quickly realise how big of a problem it is when you are not there to do the day to day parenting.
In your new flat have a lock on your bedroom so you can control the level of electronic gadgets available to him when he is there (either visiting or permanently)

Really good luck

OP this is terrible for you.
Your DH is the cause of your DS behaviour, as pp have said. he's either copying, because he thinks he can get away with it (his dad does), or more likely - he's angry and unsafe in his whole family situation, so he's hitting out.
Neither your DH or your DS will change their behaviour on their own. The only thing that can change is how you react to it.
You MUST get away. please contact Women's Aid, and they will give you help and advice.

Op your two older daughters are probably fed up with you not taking a stand and being a push over. You actually moving out and divorcing might actually save your relationship with your kids.

Your no good to anyone until you can stand up for yourself. You can't protect your daughter nor son. Please go to friends or family and just leave nobody will judge you!

Good luck

I think if you move out your middle DD may find she prefers being in your calm environment with full access to a laptop and not having to deal with DH and DS absuiveness.

For your son, call these people: Respect UK 0808 802 4040

They run programmes of early interventions for abusive young people 10-25 years. I think they also have some frontline workers working with their families.

If you scroll down you will see a list of youth services in different areas.

I would SS in Monday and see what youth services they have available in the area. Some areas have ‘restorative’ youth services, but I don’t know the referral process.

ring ^^

In all honesty I’d leave with my dd. Leave the two abusive males to each other. That’s incredibly harsh on your son who has clearly learned crappy behaviour from his dad but no one would punch me and be allowed to get away with it.

I think it’s time to put your own life belt on and save yourself. In time you might be able to get help for your son but you and your daughter are your priority I would say.

I hope you can find a way to leave your husband.

Your dh needs to change his behaviour and step up to parenting. I would wait until ds has calmed down and try to talk to him rationally. I would however say that you would be quite within your rights to call the police and if he ever does anything like it again you will do. I would discuss what he thinks should be a reasonable punishment for his behaviour.

It’s just not on. My ds is 12, bigger than me and is starting realise that he is as strong as I am. He jokingly pushed me and blocked my path recently. Dh went ballistic at him. Your ds need to realise that he cannot behave in that way.

I think its already got well beyond that @choudeBruxelles if you read the OP's updates

I can’t think of any people I know, whose parents split, who would say they wished they had stayed together and been unhappy and that they would much rather have been around when dad was sulking for days and mum was really upset.

Congratulations on your job enoughofit. Do you think that could be the first step towards your independence?

I wasn't in anywhere near as shitty a situation as you, but even so, after my ex left and I got professional help for my son, his problems (anxiety in his case) did get fixed.

In my case, I was forced to split with my ex, otherwise it would have taken a lot longer or not happened at all. In your case, you are going to have to get help sorting this out, help for you to take action yourself. You're clearly at the point where you're ready to take this out of the house and get others involved. Now is not the time to be fatalist and say that things will never change.

Don't let this continue. Don't let DS away with this. Already he is bigger than you, he could be very big when fully grown.

Good luck

Ex copper here. I'm surprised so many people saying don't call police, different day and you may have had same consistency the other way iyswim. Regardless, unequivocally you not only should but you must call the police - you've been assaulted and that's not ok.

Further, fact it's DS aged just 12 makes it more important you call police now as - irrespective of where his modelling his behaviour - he IS now acting criminally. Further yet, DV (from whichever source) very very rarely does anything other than escalate unless disrupted. IE your son himself is more at risk moving forward if you do NOT call police.

They will be able to speak to him, try and understand what's going on and will be age appropriate but IME I've yet to meet the 12 year old who wasn't scared shitless by Police - 14 years old however is a whole different story so you need to act before that rubicon is crossed.

Police will be able to log as well as signposting with other agencies as clearly, yes, DS is a victim himself and also (it seems) does need other agencies involved to manage his anger/MH issues/DV mindset. Given your in a DV/EA relationship with DH and the issues each family member is facing being referred to other agencies can only be a good thing.

I know it feels like a huge thing to do but please believe me when I say it's nothing (sadly) they won't have seen before; that they will attune themselves to the dynamics pretty quickly and they will be best placed to decide what to do with your son. My honest view is you should call them to report the crime that HAS been committed and that he is dealt with accordingly (unless he goes on to reoffend, it won't be something that harms employment/Uni prospects in x years time).

Agree with everyone that DH is the issue but that does not auto-translate into meaning that anyone copying him is somehow not an issue, even a 12 year old boy who is ultimately a victim himself. Right NOW he is young enough to change but old enough to be criminally responsible - literally the perfect time to intervene before it a: gets worse; b: too late to help him; c: both he AND DD2 end up modelling their relationships on this one and then the whole generational cycle just kicks off again. Seen it over and over and on it will continue without intervention until it's DD that thinks it's ok her future OH hits her and DS's OH also finds themselves in a DV hell.

Ring 101 now to report but if at any further point today it escalates again and you are assaulted/at risk of immediate further assault then please dial 999. Please don't in any way go along with minimising his behaviour or protecting HIM from the consequences of his current actions/choices - that is what you will be doing if you don't call Police.

I know it's not easy but it (& calling WA and planning an exit) has to be done. If you're in doubt, ask yourself this - if DD got in crying and explaining she had just been hit as you were but by the bloke that lives opposite, what would you do? You'd call the Police.

Aware thats long, apologies but wanted to give you all I know about both now and the future if nothing is done in the face of a clear, violent, intentional, assault. And if DH 'tells' you you can't call Police, that would be the absoute affirmation of why you DO need to call them.

HTH and good luck

Call Women's Aid. Ask for advice and help for leaving with your DD. I suspect your son won't want to go with you if he has an easier life (getting what he wants) from his father.

You do need to get out of there, so start getting your things in order while you're waiting for your next payday.

Your son is an abuser, like his father, and I feel sorry for any future relationship he's in as he will likely abuse her, too, if he's already happy to abuse you and his sister in this manner. I think the police will be involved in his future, and perhaps you should call them and ask for advice. Social services as well ... if only to protect yourself!

It's too late for your husband to change, the damage is done. Your kids have grown up in an abusive environment.
You've got a few, short, valuable years in which to try and remedy this. But you need to act quickly.
Leave. Move out. Find a place to rent once you're able to, make sure your children know they are welcome there with you - but there is to be no aggressive or abusive behaviour. Show them what an alternative looks like!!! What a calm, respectful, happy home is like.
But hurry. Your kids are well on the way to adult hood so don't put this off any longer.

I think your job came at absolutely the right time.

You know what to do.