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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

violently attacked by ds, 12 - call the police?

116 replies

enoughofit · 26/01/2019 11:11

Ds has been getting increasingly violent - he is already a couple of inches taller than me and a lot stronger/bigger (I am petite). He has just hit me repeatedly, hard, on the arm - I will almost certainly have visible bruises by tomorrow. It is not the first time he has attacked or tried to attack me or others. It is because I was trying to remove him from the computer which he was banned from today because of shouting and rudeness yesterday - he refused to get off the computer and was shouting at me aggressively and blocking the way physically. When I tried to move him so I could turn off the computer he hit me repeatedly whilst shouting in my face.

I've phoned my dh, his father, to come home (he was out for the morning) and sort it out as I can't deal with this any more. Dh is useless and I think a big part of why ds is like this, as dh gives in to him again and again and will tell me off in ds's hearing when I try to discipline him, so ds feels (rightly) there will be no comeback for his behaviour. Dh is not violent towards me but is physically aggressive - shouting and hitting things etc, so it is clear where ds gets the idea from (and our marriage is on its last legs).

Should I call the police? I need ds to realise how utterly wrong and unacceptable his behaviour is. I know he is only 12 and don't want to stereotype him as a 'bad kid' or give him that self-image but I can't live like this. And I dread to think what lessons he is learning for a future relationship.

Please help.

OP posts:
Original poster
enoughofit · 26/01/2019 13:08

Dh won't leave. And if he did I couldn't afford the house (rented) and ds would become even more unmanageable.

I can leave. I can stay. I can't put up with the abuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
enoughofit · 26/01/2019 13:08

Which dh has normalised.

OP posts:
MissCherryCakeyBun · 26/01/2019 13:09

If this happens again call the Police my ex husband went from this to worse and threatened to kill me, the police took it all very seriously and they can help you access more help. Your Son needs a wake up call and your daughter needs protecting from the emotional trauma.

Talk to the police ( non emergency ) for advice and they can help you so much. I was supported throughout very well

Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/01/2019 13:10

Move out and rent a place for you and your daughter. Divorce him.

PristineCondition · 26/01/2019 13:11

You need to tell family and friends. They behave like this because they keep getting away with it and it escalates each time.
Pack a bag grab your daughter and go stay with family.

AnotherEmma · 26/01/2019 13:14

Your son is actually a victim here.
He's growing up in an abusive household and becoming abusive himself.
But make no mistake, your husband is the root cause, and while you stay in the relationship, you are accepting the abuse and showing your children that it's ok.

Original poster
enoughofit · 26/01/2019 13:16

I know, Emma.

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Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/01/2019 13:17

Do you have anyone you can stay with?

The police won’t be able to change the bullying family dynamic that you and your kids are exposed to.

AnotherEmma · 26/01/2019 13:19

Of course the police can't change the dynamic. (Weird think to say.)
I still think you should talk to the police, OP. Report your husband's emotional and financial abuse.
Talk to women's aid first if you would like support and advice.

AnotherEmma · 26/01/2019 13:20

*thing

Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/01/2019 13:21

Why is it a weird thing to say?

I’m saying that their intervention, while it might be a warning to her son that he’s stepped over the line, is not going to be a long term solution to this situation. Why is that “weird”?

VioletCharlotte · 26/01/2019 13:21

The issue here is your DH. Your son was wrong to hit you. But he's only 12 and is just copying his father. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, what an awful, toxic environment. So horrible for you and your DD.

I know that leaving is a very difficult thing to do - emotionally, practically and financially. But it's the right thing to do, for yourself and for your children. And there's always a way of making it happen, even if it feels impossible. You just need some help to do it. Keep trying to get through to women's aid, they are very busy though. Also, have a look to see if there is a local DA service. Most towns do have one, have a look on your local council's website. Have you spoke to anyone in real life about what's going on?

Whisky2014 · 26/01/2019 13:21

Yeh id call the police

AnotherEmma · 26/01/2019 13:22

Please tell me that when you do get paid, it will be into your own (individual) bank account that he doesn't have access to?

And that the child benefit is also paid into that account?

Original poster
enoughofit · 26/01/2019 13:24

No, no-one I could stay with.

And as you say, it would get me out of this situation but no more. It wouldn't resolve it. Maybe nothing will now.

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thesnapandfartisinfallible · 26/01/2019 13:25

I would call the police. Not 999 but I would call and ask them to scare the shit out of him. He is over the age of criminal responsibility and would be arrested if he tried this with anyone else. Fuck that shit!

Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/01/2019 13:26

Do you think this can be resolved? Do you feel your husband could change and become supportive and kind towards you while being a more effective parent? It’s quite a big ask.

HollowTalk · 26/01/2019 13:27

What's your extended family situation like, OP?

Original poster
enoughofit · 26/01/2019 13:28

Yes, cb and pay paid into my account alone.

Dcs will stay here - ds currently hates me and is unmanageable anyway and dd would stay here (she loves the house) and probably blame me for leaving. I have an older dd at uni - she is aware of the family dynamic and dh's abusiveness and has talked to me about us divorcing potentially so I think she would understand (though be upset obviously). But dd2 would probably be angry with me for breaking up the home - she doesn't realise how abnormal the family dynamic is as that is what she is used to.

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cushioncuddle · 26/01/2019 13:29

Please continue to get in touch with woman's aide. They can help you and will get you and your daughter out of this situation if you allow them too.
Also look at doing the freedom course.
You don't deserve this and it can be different.

Once settled and you are in stronger place with parenting behaviour strategies you may look to support your son. But for now look at the safety for you and your daughter.

Original poster
enoughofit · 26/01/2019 13:30

Cauliflower - tried that for the best part of a decade. I don't think dh wishes to change. I don't think he loves me. Maybe he did once. I think he wants a nice life and wants to keep the dcs.

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Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/01/2019 13:31

Could you move out and have some respite. Do you have an income?

Original poster
enoughofit · 26/01/2019 13:31

Dh would be happy if I was an uncritical cheerleader. But I'm not uncritical. I'm not prepared to put up with abuse and make that tediously clear.

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Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/01/2019 13:32

How are you showing you are not putting up with it?

Original poster
enoughofit · 26/01/2019 13:33

No income yet, cauliflower. First pay packet due in a couple of weeks. Would then be in a position to rent somewhere of my own. Just sick of the abuse. It makes me feel like shit.

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