violently attacked by ds, 12 - call the police?

[enoughofit]

Ds has been getting increasingly violent - he is already a couple of inches taller than me and a lot stronger/bigger (I am petite). He has just hit me repeatedly, hard, on the arm - I will almost certainly have visible bruises by tomorrow. It is not the first time he has attacked or tried to attack me or others. It is because I was trying to remove him from the computer which he was banned from today because of shouting and rudeness yesterday - he refused to get off the computer and was shouting at me aggressively and blocking the way physically. When I tried to move him so I could turn off the computer he hit me repeatedly whilst shouting in my face.

I've phoned my dh, his father, to come home (he was out for the morning) and sort it out as I can't deal with this any more. Dh is useless and I think a big part of why ds is like this, as dh gives in to him again and again and will tell me off in ds's hearing when I try to discipline him, so ds feels (rightly) there will be no comeback for his behaviour. Dh is not violent towards me but is physically aggressive - shouting and hitting things etc, so it is clear where ds gets the idea from (and our marriage is on its last legs).

Should I call the police? I need ds to realise how utterly wrong and unacceptable his behaviour is. I know he is only 12 and don't want to stereotype him as a 'bad kid' or give him that self-image but I can't live like this. And I dread to think what lessons he is learning for a future relationship.

Please help.

You can't get through to Women's Aid because MN advises people who just don't like their husbands to call WA.

Kids and adults can get totally addicted to gaming. I'd bet my flat on it, that that is what is going on. He will suffer withdrawal symptoms.

I don't know what to do, because boys seem to be more prone to violence. You could remove everything, but he'll crack up! I would change the wifi code until he calms down and apologises. Give him something else to do.

He needs to know why you don't want him playing. Why don't you?
If you don't know why you don't want him playing games, you need to concrete that in your head.

For me
A. You're too long playing games
B. You're not out playing sports
C. Your friends on there are virtual
D. You're doing nothing with the family
E. I feel like I've lost you
F. You're not concentrating on homework because everything is obsessed with this game
G. You're my son and I'll bloody tell you what to do
H. If you don't do what I'm telling you, gaming is gone.

jesus, LadyandGent, read the thread

A very very good post by @Sophia

OP you must follow her advise! you have us all here behind you for support when you need it.

"You say the children won’t want to leave with you. You cannot leave them with your aggressive DH."

This ^

"This is the saddest thing I’ve read in a while. I understand your desperation to save yourself but I worry about your children. As many others have said, your son acts this way because of his father. To leave him now would set in stone all these negative behaviours. And your DD, what kind of relationship will she end up in?"

And this ^

"Your DH is the cause of your DS behaviour, as pp have said. he's either copying, because he thinks he can get away with it (his dad does), or more likely - he's angry and unsafe in his whole family situation, so he's hitting out."

And this ^

@enoughofit, I am desperately sorry about the abuse you have suffered and continue to suffer, but what about your children? They are being abused too. Do you feel no responsibility, as their parent, towards protecting them from that abuse, as much as you are able?

Please don't leave your children to cope with your husband alone. The police, woman's aid, social services, child protection ... I would call the whole bloody lot and hound them for help, before I'd leave a 12 year old to cope alone with a situation that is clearly already having a serious effect on him.

Thanks all, especially Sophia, ravenmum, billybagpuss and many others.

Don't feel up to dealing with this right now.

You can't get through to Women's Aid because MN advises people who just don't like their husbands to call WA.

Check yourself.

WA is overstretched and underfunded because da is a widespread problem.

I have never ever seen anyone on here recommended to call WA because they didn't like their DH. Such glib bollocks is deeply obnoxious and quite repellent.

And thanks DeaflySilence, I know you're right.

I think it’s very telling that you’ve chosen “violently assaulted” as your description. You’re spot on and the fact you’ve used those words shows you are totally aware of what this is.

Just wanted to say:

FUCK THE FUCKING DAILY MAIL

FUCK PISS SHIT

(As you were. Had to be done.)

OP, there are lots of wise people on this post with wonderful advice. The only things I can say are I'm sorry that this is happening to you and I know you have the strength to get through it

'You can't get through to Women's Aid because MN advises people who just don't like their husbands to call WA.'

THAT is utter bollocks. There's always one huh? OP please disregard that incredibly stupid - and actually bloody dangerous - disgraceful post.

*Just wanted to say:

FUCK THE FUCKING DAILY MAIL

FUCK PISS SHIT*

Huh?

Thanks for all the many lovely supportive comments.

Claw001 - to stop the Mail pinching it wholesale and publishing it - happens frequently on MN. Happened to me years ago with a fairly minor thread. Was vaguely amusing to see it in the Mail and the Sun. Would not like to see this published there.

Thanks, Cauliflowersqueeze.

@Claw001 OP is simply being proactive in trying to dissuade DM from lifting thread for free content. They're a bunch of cunts like that - hence calling them out before they publish is a good way to ensure they don't publish.

I repeat - Dear Daily Mail and Daily Mirror: if you lift this thread for free copy you will overtly be choosing to worsen this woman's situation. You will deny her access to this support when she most needs it. And you would be UTTER CUNTS if you did so. HTH.

Don't feel up to dealing with this right now.
That's the great thing about bringing outsiders into it. You get support, and even better, they deal with a good bit of it themselves.

Oh I see!

"Don't feel up to dealing with this right now."

I can so understand that, you must be suffering from a myriad of emotions, not least being shock, which can reduce any of us to exhausted inaction, @enoughofit .

Taking Sophia's post, could you maybe do just a little bit of it today? Could you make the 101 call today?

As far as I am aware, no one will come knocking on your door as the result of that call and you won't be forced into the next bit of action before you are ready. However, when you were ready to take the next step towards saving yourself and your children, or when the next episode occurred (which, sadly, will be soon), then things will already be on record. It will be a tiny bit easier.

So, could you make the 101 call today? Maybe you could contact @SophiaLovesSummer and ask her exactly what to expect from the call. Maybe that would make it a bit easier to do.

I've reported domestic abuse to the police.
They were lovely and supportive.
It helps to have evidence.
That could be emails, texts, a recording if you feel safe.

Your daughter might be asked to be a witness.

There's helplines like Muslim Womens Network and Amina MWRC to talk things through if you can't get through to women's aid.

www.futureswithoutviolence.org/power-and-control-tactics-used-against-immigrant-women/

Your husband is a particular bastard for minimizing your experience of racism.

And for using your son against you.

It's textbook abuse but utterly shite and cruel behaviour.

The ex police person is talking sense. Hard as it may be, you are the only adult in this situation who is going to break this cycle.

You have my every sympathy, it is a horrible place to be. But things can change, never think that you are stuck. There's always a way when we make one. There are people out here who can help, on Mumsnet and in the real world too. They can only help if you tell them.

Hugs xxx

Your husband sounds horrible. He’s teaching your ds to abuse you.

I don’t understand why the debts are in your name. Was it because your husband wouldn’t give you money?

Yes. And because I was responsible for making sure all bills were paid, food bought, kids stuff paid for, but not given enough to do that. As a freelancer, I have had some money coming in, but as that was totally random, it was impossible to budget for bills etc.