Fear and panic DD will drop out of school completely

[PookieDo]

I got roasted on MN earlier this year for saying I was scared DD would fail all her GCSE’s because she doesn’t give one shit about them and people told me I was mean for putting her down. She can’t get into the 6th form as her grades aren’t good enough. I have taken her to multiple colleges open evenings where she won’t speak to anyone.

I’ve tried to engage her with her School advisor but apparently ‘she’s a bitch’ and i am ‘also a bitch’ for anything I suggest.

She sends me daily texts now about how much she hates school and she has a college interview this week, which she is now also refusing to go to, won’t prepare for. She asked me to help her prepare then has manipulated every single attempt I made at helping so she could flounce off and announce she isn’t going to go. I got a list of standard questions asked at interviews. 1st question - she loses her shit refuses to answer it and storms off. I’ve tried cajoling her out of her room and have now said to her fine, but don’t expect a single driving lesson out of me if you are going to actively choose to be on the dole

I am actually starting to panic for real now. I’ve been so calm and really hopeful that she’s turned a corner and not about to fuck her life up through a series of angry crap decisions.

I cannot support her financially if she does not stay in education. I honestly think We would end up homeless - she’s not going to be able to earn much at 16/17 when she won’t go for one single interview for either a job or college. So she has no job, won’t look for a job, won’t prepare for a college interview, doesn’t want a job or School and is horrible to me when I try to talk about it. And I have 7 months to work out how I am going to cover this shortfall and not 2 years 7 months

I am not prepared financially for the drop in child benefit/UC, maintenance etc in July and at 16/17 I don’t think you can claim anything becasue you should be in education!

What am I supposed to do? Be a loving and supporting mother whilst she just angrily kicks me and herself in the balls repeatedly? How can I get through to her how important this is that she must at some point have to do SOMETHING like an interview, talk to someone or make an effort in life

She is now completely stonewalling me FYI. I honestly want to cry. The stonewalling/blanking is the final straw. I’ve sat for nearly 2 hours trying to help my child, in the way a mother feels they should and she’s enjoying making me stress and worry about it

Get her phone off her and stop giving her money.
Switch off WiFi.
Until she starts to engage.
She can do some waitressing or shop work but it sounds like she needs time out of education.

She doesn’t get any money from me because I tried that to get her to find a job. It didn’t work.

She uses exams to not get a job but she has no intention of even looking for one

So then I said I expect her to focus on exams and go to college if will not get a job, but now she won’t do that either

I tried taking the phone away, it doesn’t have an effect. She doesn’t really have many friends

www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school

I’ve tried telling her how fun it is to work somewhere fun even like McDonalds, in a young work environment and not bad money. How nice it will be to have money and get out of the house (she doesn’t go out socially)

She’s always saving up imaginary money she doesn’t have to buy things that will never happen then she’s always resentful about it

She wants to go to prom but doesn’t want to go to prom. No fucking way am I paying for prom if she drops out of school

@colditz

I’ve read that but I can’t find the actual consequences if a 17yo refuses to go to college or work

She sounds incredibly anxious and more than a little depressed.

When did this behaviour start

I think that this behaviour is communication. She’s not happy (depressed). She is rebelling against what you say as of course she can rely on you. Can you engage some help through the school? Could they get a mentor for her? What have they said re her recent behaviour?

Colditz beat me to it. I was going to suggest anxiety/depression. She sounds very much like my teen. I've told mine exams don't matter and to try her best but remember she can go back and do them at 18, 21, 25, 30 or never. Knowing she doesn't have to pass and can still have a life seems to have helped her function better at school.

We're concentrating on apprenticeships rather than college as there's no way she would cope with college.

Sorry, that should have been a ? After depressed. obviously I can’t tell, but it sounds like a possibility.

I would focus on short term goals.
Goal #1 is for her to stay in school so she actually sits some of her exams
Goal #2 is to work for the exams a bit so she passes as many as possible

Try not to worry openly about after GCSEs. You can cross that bridge when you get there.

I'd back off a week. Then talk about how passing will give her more options, and that trying is what is important. That anything is open for discussion except dropping out and not working. You won't/can't fund her to laze about doing nothing.

Try not to stress too much about college interviews. The ones DD had were just checking she knew what the course was and that it tied in with any aims she had. More of a conversation.

Does she really not care, or is she running scared?

I'd be telling her that if she wouldn't engage with school/college like the CHILD she is, then she can find work or get out. When I was 16, despite getting good grades I decided I didn't want to stay on for 6th form. I wanted a job but that aside, those were along the lines of what my mum said to me. She, same as you, suffered a drop in money due to no more child benefit and I was to make up the shortfall which was completely fair enough!

There is no way on this planet I'd have been allowed to repeatedly shirk taking any responsibility for my own life at that age. The flouncing is beyond ridiculous and out of order. Yes she may be overwhelmed and stressed but that's life! Why should you tread on eggshells while she entertains herself by shredding your nerves?

You've done what you can, what more can you do? You can't handcuff her to a desk and force her. So it's ultimatum time.

I think she’s terrified. She can’t just leave, she has to be in ft education or training until 18. I’d try extreme sympathy and a lot of listening and see if you can find something she will engage with. Good luck.

It didn’t start it is her personality.

She may well be anxious but it is hard to tell as she is cruel, angry and rude when faced with something challenging. It isn’t even like I can get underneath the exterior to the soft centre to try to help her in some way. She does not want to do it so will not do it

Truefriends OP can’t just kick her out! That wouldn’t be reasonable or helpful.

All her behaviour is extreme emotion, she’s terrified imo

She doesn't have many friends or socialise
She isn't too attached or bothered about her phone
She seems to have no regard for her future and shows no motivation to progress
She shows ideas about wanting to buy things with money that she doesn't have
She doesn't seem to show empathy for the state that you're in tonight....

When I first started reading I was of the firm mindset 'a kick up the arse and she needs to start acting her age and taking responsibility for her actions.

As I've read your subsequent posts I feel perhaps there are other underlying issues? What do school have to say about her? Has she spoken with a health professional? What does she do outside of home? I know you say she doesn't go out much but when she does, where and who does she generally see? Have you noticed other changes in her?
I am not at all the kind of parent that runs to 'other causes' I firmly believe parents needs to be boundary driven and children need to follow. But in some situations, such as your daughter, that may not be the case.

Is there anything else that you feel could be of relevance?

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx

Just a suggestion, as it may give you some techniques to use if she fits the profile (don't hold out hope for any diagnoses though)

Please don't give her an ultimatum as suggested by another poster. It really seems she needs some support and of course as her parent OP you need support too but unfortunately we kind of come down the pecking order where our children are concerned.

Are there any family members around that could try and speak with her? Or a close friend of yours? I have a friend that has a daughter who will sometimes confide in me and one of my daughters is very bonded and close to one of my best friends and I feel if ever I couldn't get through to my daughter, my friend would try.

What are you other options?

I honestly am more convinced than ever before that she has ODD but she has always made getting help almost impossible

She hates anyone trying to help but wants people to help her. It is no use asking School or anyone else anymore as she makes me look completely bonkers by pretending she has no idea what is going on if I talk to them and behaving like an angel!

The more frazzled I get the more she seems to enjoy it and get calmer. It’s like she knows how to transfer feelings from herself into me. So now she is calm because the issue is all my problem again and no longer belongs to her. She just doesn’t want to do it. She has few friends because she is so argumentative (and always right)

I know she has confidence issues and because she has made a lot of active choices to have no hobbies, no interests and no goals (like she is blank), she then is frustrated she would have to ‘lie’ at an interview because talking about yourself she believes she has nothing to say. So if I present a simple version of something reframed and a bit embellished, she will see it as lying and she won’t do it.

Woah!

OK. Calm down if you can. This is horrible but taking her phone etc off her isn't going help.

She will get on a college course, even if she's also resitting English and Maths GCSE. The college interviews are more about her seeing if she really wants to do that course, not about how well she presents at interview and what she can offer them.

I've no idea about how her being in college or not affects universal credit, but if she needs to do a third year in college child benefit will stop after her 18th birthday, but she has two years to mature before you have to face that and she may be feeling up to getting a part time job/apprenticeship by then.

I think the best thing you can do is pretend to relax. This is a such a stressful time in Y11. We adults may be able to see it's nearly over, but the summers seems an age away for a teenager. She'll be so, so stressed I think backing off, crossing your fingers and praying/wishing very hard while making sure she gets enough sleep and decent food is the best you can do.

My Y11 DS has just said to me "you've no idea how difficult GCSE's are Mum!" His older brother said exactly the same thing 4 year ago .

I know it's virtually impossible, but I do think backing off, while helping her find the right college course is the way to go.

PDA is quite likely too

She has a very strange interaction style. She talks AT you. Often it’s random and irrelevant information that doesn’t fit with the topic of conversation. She is hard to have a conversation with because if she doesn’t like it for any vague reason she will end it but without the social graces and just say ‘stop talking now/shut up’ or create a distraction like a flounce

I have spent years trying to wangle a way around getting some kind of support but resistant/oppositional personality types can hold out a lot longer than most other people with stonewalling etc.

Sometimes I wonder if she’s depressed about her lack friends but she says she doesn’t like any of them anyway. She hangs out with a group of girls and only likes 1 of them. They make her angry a lot so they are always falling out she has nothing nice to say, never gets invited out socially or anything. If she was she often drops out ‘as they are bitches’ for some reason.

She can be very charming, funny and kind but is quite insular. And I’ve asked about her feelings or depression she tells me to fuck off

Would it be worth getting her to see a counsellor but phrase it more as having a chat with someone?

Are there any self referral services in your area? Or a service you can referred to through your GP? This may take longer than a self referral but she needs support now and so do you.

If you don't mind saying, what part of the country are you in?

Do I have to physically drag her to this college interview?

She has chosen of her own choice not to apply for an apprenticeship. She had the option to but didn’t want to.

Re UC and college - I knew if she did an apprenticeship that it would all change because it’s seen as earning. So it all stops. But she has never wanted to do one of them so the plan was she goes to normal college and she agreed.

I know I need to work a way around losing all the maintenance/UC and CB for her but I thought I had till she’s 18. I do earn and have a job but it’s about £300-£350 per month, so i am freaking out that she will leave with nothing and I will have none of the extra income to support us and a miserable unemployed teenager at home so a double whammy and it’s no good for either of us

If she chooses to be out of education and unemployed she cannot claim anything like JSA or the like at all

I am in the East.
We have been to CAMHS 3 times now, I will be honest the last time last year was really rubbish. First 2 times good as she was smaller and it was more jolly type play therapy.

Last year They picked up ADHD on a questionnaire, told me I wouldn’t get a diagnosis (not what I asked for I asked for support for DD) then offered counselling after 17 weeks at sessions 20 miles from school once a week only for us to go to 2 sessions and the counsellor told DD I was the main issue as I over react about everything and the said she was leaving and we had to go back on a list. DD was very pleased about this end result despite her DF being a much bigger problem in her life but frankly she was too old and wise to it all by then.

She saw GP about another issue and I mentioned anxiety, he tried to talk to DD she refused to speak. I offered to leave the room she refused that too. So we left!

I get on well with School but from years 7-10 (secondary) she was their main attendee at detention and 1 teacher refused to teach her French as she was so rude and she got moved (she was pleased by this)

I feel a bit out of options