Fear and panic DD will drop out of school completely

[PookieDo]

I got roasted on MN earlier this year for saying I was scared DD would fail all her GCSE’s because she doesn’t give one shit about them and people told me I was mean for putting her down. She can’t get into the 6th form as her grades aren’t good enough. I have taken her to multiple colleges open evenings where she won’t speak to anyone.

I’ve tried to engage her with her School advisor but apparently ‘she’s a bitch’ and i am ‘also a bitch’ for anything I suggest.

She sends me daily texts now about how much she hates school and she has a college interview this week, which she is now also refusing to go to, won’t prepare for. She asked me to help her prepare then has manipulated every single attempt I made at helping so she could flounce off and announce she isn’t going to go. I got a list of standard questions asked at interviews. 1st question - she loses her shit refuses to answer it and storms off. I’ve tried cajoling her out of her room and have now said to her fine, but don’t expect a single driving lesson out of me if you are going to actively choose to be on the dole

I am actually starting to panic for real now. I’ve been so calm and really hopeful that she’s turned a corner and not about to fuck her life up through a series of angry crap decisions.

I cannot support her financially if she does not stay in education. I honestly think We would end up homeless - she’s not going to be able to earn much at 16/17 when she won’t go for one single interview for either a job or college. So she has no job, won’t look for a job, won’t prepare for a college interview, doesn’t want a job or School and is horrible to me when I try to talk about it. And I have 7 months to work out how I am going to cover this shortfall and not 2 years 7 months

I am not prepared financially for the drop in child benefit/UC, maintenance etc in July and at 16/17 I don’t think you can claim anything becasue you should be in education!

What am I supposed to do? Be a loving and supporting mother whilst she just angrily kicks me and herself in the balls repeatedly? How can I get through to her how important this is that she must at some point have to do SOMETHING like an interview, talk to someone or make an effort in life

Thank you
I think I probably do not understand how to do things the right way as we have no support. I am afraid to take her back to GP or counselling as this seems to alienate her from me and she is very offended by it. Whilst I want to do the right thing by her, she sees it as me another thing I am forcing her to do

You are being too pushy & expecting too much of yourself to have her answers (imho, and you're free to ignore this, but you did start the thread).
Try not to ask questions at all.

"Let me know when you have a plan for what you're doing after GCSEs"
&
"I need to explain how tight our finances are. It's going to be very tough without child benefit after you finish school. The CB stops in August. This is what stopping CB probably means...." XYZ things she wants: "I can't afford X or Y. I can budget ££ for the prom dress... Sorry, money doesn't grow on trees."

Give her some responsibility. People rise to expectations & challenges.

Those text convos don't need replies. A lot of times the best thing with kids is not to try to fix it but be polite enough to acknowledge you heard. You can acknowledge with support which is as much as she probably wants. A simple
" :( to hear you're having a bad day." & the occasional x or thrown in.

I didn’t reply to those kind of texts except to say later oh dear. I hear it so much I would go mad if I got over involved to that level

I probably am being pushy because she is drifting but it’s hard to explain the lead up to the college thing. She became fixated on the interview dates and asking me over and over that I had the day off (I did) and worrying about the logistics of timings then freaked out a few days before. So we get into a cycle of her going to do something of her own accord - and she don’t do ANYTHING you ask only when she wants to, so I have made arrangements and given her help she asks for then she melts down and it all becomes chaos

Forget careers, find something she likes, now. Even if you can't see a use for it.

Seethe gp.

Vidit other colleges. It's only January look at other courses. Vocational courses like health and social car, pharmacy assistant might appeal. Maybe she doesn't get the concept of this sort of course, if she has undiagnosed LD.

And, yes. Give her the numbers. Law dictates that if you don't go to college we don't get the money will speak to any possible pda tendencies. It becomes not a choice.

Firstly there are no laws that can be imposed if you leave school at 16 or 17. The only thing is you won't be able to claim any child related benefits and the 16/17 year old won't be able to claim any unemployment or other related benefits.

It does sound like there is something else going on. What she has will dictate how you handle things going forward.

Something I noticed is both you and the school are almost overwhelming her with choices and expectations.

What she does next should not be on whether you receive benefits.

Also are you sure she would get an apprenticeship if she doesn't have certain GCSEs .

Would taking the pressure off completely and tell her she doesn't need to do the GCSEs if that is what she wants and if she doesn't want to do college she doesn't have to but she will need to support herself so will need to get a job.

Or she does the GCSEs and finds herself a college course she likes. (Give her the brochures of the courses each college offers ). If she wants to do it by herself then this is what needs to be done then back off. You will be there if she needs to talk or help but it is up to her.

FWIW at this point 3 years ago DD hadn't thought of which college let alone which course whilst her peers seemed to have everything lined up. DP got very ill and everything went out of the window. She still managed to get into a college but left the next year to set up her own business.

What I am trying to say is don't panic.

I recognise a lot of those behaviours in myself and my sister. I was less argumentative and oppositional but just as disengaged as your daughter. My sister has since been formally diagnosed with ASD and the likelyhood is I am on the spectrum somewhere as well.

I ended up not actually applying for any college after GCSE. The more my parents presented the options I needed to choose between the more I resisted.

My parents used the tactic suggested by a PP with both myself and my sister which seemed to work. That was not to present the current choices that need to be made but to ask where we wanted to be in 5/10 years and work backwards. That way the decisions made now aren't leading you down a scary blackhole but have a point and are easier to quantify, control and engage with.

I now have a successful career and make good money and have a great family. It can get better.

(for what it's worth I ended up in an apprenticeship)

She only wants to drop 1 GCSE not them all. She has a difficulty with her attitude, comcerntration and not aptitude - if she turns up and takes the GCSE’s on a ‘good day’ she potentially will do ok with 4’s and maybe even a 5. She does pressure herself with all the other pressure. I will take off some pressure. But I am not going to advocate not taking any exams. It is a case of do your best and see what happens

I am torn between firm handling or gentle because firm handling seems to be explosive but gets results and engagement. Having no structure is just as bad as having a structure around her - when she’s in school or has a task I can see how it makes her resentful and obstructive, but productive. Having no structure makes her feel depressed, morose and stressed. When she has no purpose (and no hobby) she is very unhappy.

I don’t know how to explain what a contradiction she is... so if you said we are having a really relaxed holiday, no real plans she would hate it in reality. She would be agitated and feel stressed and out of control trying to force you to make a plan. If you made plans she would be much happier - until you came to do the plans, then she finds anything out of her control stressful. So if you run late, something goes wrong, it’s not what she thought, she doesn’t know what to wear, it’s a loss of control

She has expressed the area she wants to work in and it isn’t childcare. The 5–10 year thing. In a calm moment she will say she wants to do BTEC in chosen area. Then when something else doesn’t go to plan everything is catastrophic and then she’s confused and hard to get back on track. This week she doesn’t want to go to college but the previous week she really did

In that vein it’s hard for me to keep up with the changes. It’s unpredictable, I say and do the wrong things.

I will take the pressure off, and I’ve said over and over she doesn’t have to do college she just can’t choose to do nothing as it won’t do her any good

Gosh it sounds exhausting!
If I were you, I would not even talk about GCSE's or courses or anything along those lines for at least a couple of weeks.

You never know it might make her think for herself a bit better

This is what I did with ds about revision. Stopped nagging for a couple of weeks and then he started revising towards the end of that period.