Fear and panic DD will drop out of school completely

[PookieDo]

I got roasted on MN earlier this year for saying I was scared DD would fail all her GCSE’s because she doesn’t give one shit about them and people told me I was mean for putting her down. She can’t get into the 6th form as her grades aren’t good enough. I have taken her to multiple colleges open evenings where she won’t speak to anyone.

I’ve tried to engage her with her School advisor but apparently ‘she’s a bitch’ and i am ‘also a bitch’ for anything I suggest.

She sends me daily texts now about how much she hates school and she has a college interview this week, which she is now also refusing to go to, won’t prepare for. She asked me to help her prepare then has manipulated every single attempt I made at helping so she could flounce off and announce she isn’t going to go. I got a list of standard questions asked at interviews. 1st question - she loses her shit refuses to answer it and storms off. I’ve tried cajoling her out of her room and have now said to her fine, but don’t expect a single driving lesson out of me if you are going to actively choose to be on the dole

I am actually starting to panic for real now. I’ve been so calm and really hopeful that she’s turned a corner and not about to fuck her life up through a series of angry crap decisions.

I cannot support her financially if she does not stay in education. I honestly think We would end up homeless - she’s not going to be able to earn much at 16/17 when she won’t go for one single interview for either a job or college. So she has no job, won’t look for a job, won’t prepare for a college interview, doesn’t want a job or School and is horrible to me when I try to talk about it. And I have 7 months to work out how I am going to cover this shortfall and not 2 years 7 months

I am not prepared financially for the drop in child benefit/UC, maintenance etc in July and at 16/17 I don’t think you can claim anything becasue you should be in education!

What am I supposed to do? Be a loving and supporting mother whilst she just angrily kicks me and herself in the balls repeatedly? How can I get through to her how important this is that she must at some point have to do SOMETHING like an interview, talk to someone or make an effort in life

@PookieDo I'm not sure how to PM on the app...I didn't want to put this in the thread but here goes....your DD sounds very much like my DS. He was diagnosed with ASD aged 13. He's now 20 and now disagrees with this diagnosis (he agreed at the time).

I think you lay down some non negotiable like she does attend college next year, but doing nothing is not happening (even if she takes to her bedroom you make it clear she eventually does something)

Just reading back through other posts

My Dsis has tried to contact her to offer her support with the interview or just to talk about what she wants to do. DD has ignored her. I will have to restort to her DF if I cannot get anywhere with her but he is useless at these things and will probably just tell her off

I will try again tomorrow - interview is Wednesday so not much time, she only has 2 total lined up so if she doesn’t get into the other college and has missed this one it will make things harder

I don’t care about the GCSE results anymore. She was going to do an NVQ and you just go in at the level 1, 2 or 3 depends on your GCSE’s so she will be able to get something - but I need her to turn up in the first place

Unfortunately she needs to come out of her comfort zone (aka bedroom) and this is clearly pushing her limits.

I am internally freaking out and trying to work out what to do. She seems to have aspirations for travel and nice things, but finds the action of getting it very hard

I don’t know who else to talk to - at this point she sees me telling people things as a betrayal of her secrets

@LynetteScavo

Thanks for your advice
It has helped to talk about things, sorry if a bit gabbled
How is your son doing? How do you guide them into making good choices for themselves and not just hiding at home trying to ignore it!

I think the guiding thing is a bit subliminal. My DS did spend 9 months in his bedroom not speaking to anyone, but eventually got himself on to a college course (I took him to the "interview" tbh that was just a tick box thing and he'd have still been given a place) but I let him enroll himself as I was fed up of trying to drag him to things. He's now at uni. sitting in his room not Diwali get to anyone. His saving grace was that he's academic, but I'll be very surprised if he ever gets a job. DH says I'm being dramatic about it. I think. Having. DH who has worked since he was 16 yo has shown DS sitting around doing nothing for ever isn't an option, but also DS didn't have the financial stress of us needing him to study/work or move out. I appreciate he was luckier than many in that respect.

But what I'm trying to say is, if you you remove that stress from your DD it might help her. If you can, you're a better person then me, because I don't think I could in your situation.

(The language teacher refusing to teach your DD did make me smile, as it sounded so familiar - sorry!)

Thanks for sharing with me

DD is immature which is very normal and expected I think as 16 is such a fragile age even if there isn’t anything deeper going on that is one thing that may not last forever

I haven’t even touched on some of the other stuff going on, needless to say it’s a lot about maintaining control over her surroundings - everyone else needs to conform to the order she likes, but she is exempt from the same rules. It’s DD’s world but I think she’s aware that the outside world won’t work the same way. And it’s scary

I have to give School some credit for not chucking her out. They have been patient with her and I’ve tried to set some kind of good example... She’s really good at turning things upside down so you think you are mad or like a little mouse you can’t catch always outwitting you with some crafty twisting manoeuvre. But underneath none of it is intended to be mean or cruel I don’t think, it’s just because that is the way she sees things and how they need to be

Lots of this strikes chords with me. Mine was out and about rather than in his room but school things sound very familiar. Looking back, there is so much facing them at 16, choices, directions, expectations and I think it can all be too much to grasp or work out what they want as a next step, let alone how to get there. I noticed sport or active stuff helped. ...being around people who weren't family or school really...would your DD try anything like drama, art group, pop choir, park run, cadets etc, maybe volunteer in charity shop or animal sanctuary, environmental stuff, part time job? Does she have a friend who does something she could go along to? Anything to break the pattern really?

Absolutely second that college can be a totally different atmosphere, there is less to react against and more flexibility in general. Mine underachieved greatly at school and still messed about at college but tutors there seemed to know it was lack of maturity and not a character flaw. He had to keep adjusting his expectations down due to lack of effort but they were firm and fair with him and absolutely made sure he got what he needed for the next stage, despite himself. Good luck!

Also, FE can last for 3 years (free courses and still child benefit or child tax credits), so even if she needs to retake GCSE year at college first, she has plenty of time and options ahead. School feels very pressured because they work rigidly within years, college is far more flexible and set up to work around her.

Look at my link about PDA.

I looked at the link and did a parent questionnaire the cut off was 45 and I counted 63 for DD. But I have no idea how to progress anything to an extra stage

I know i sound defeated but trying to take her to see someone just makes things much worse.

I have made the bad mistake today of using the phrase ‘not normal’ when arguing with her this morning - I made it very clear there was to be no stonewalling and she called me ugly. I have since apologised for making it sound like I was calling her ‘not normal’ but she told me to get fucked. She has latched onto that comment and and blown it up

noticed sport or active stuff helped. ...being around people who weren't family or school really...would your DD try anything like drama, art group, pop choir, park run, cadets etc, maybe volunteer in charity shop or animal sanctuary, environmental stuff, part time job? Does she have a friend who does something she could go along to? Anything to break the pattern really?

This is a huge issue
She has no interests
She doesn’t want to join anything and never has

I have taken her to dancing, swimming, sports clubs, volunteering, scouts, i have printed the school club list every year since year 7.

She was once in the choir at primary school. She is doing GCSE PE which she detests, she is sporty but prefers to work out ALONE in her bedroom. Sometimes we go for walks together (will ask her this evening)
She has been to 1 party, never invites friends over, never goes out socially with friends, only hangs out with family really. She has access to some money through chores but like I said earlier - she spends the money (and more) before she even has it. At Christmas she sat up till midnight to spend her vouchers in the Boxing Day sales, bought lots of useless things she now never wears.

She collects make up pallettes but doesn’t use them and doesn’t want to learn how to do the make up. So she has about 20 huge eyeshadow pallettes she just likes to have them

If she has to go somewhere new she gets very panicky about it and create some kind of drama/row. She will constantly worry about what her hair looks like or what she is wearing. This is part of the college issue I think. She doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t like her outfit

I have a different kind of dd 15 - who is a control freak and very anxious but she does have a lot of friends. She is terrified of school - won't go there at the moment though she does see friends - and I think sort of paralysed about her future GCSEs etc.

I am worried that she will be at home with me doing her washing and making her lunch when she is 30! Some of the techniques for pda are thing I have always done with her. She is good at school, rude and stubborn at home. And I am in a state of deep worry.

She has been to CAMHS who helped her get back to school last year. Just been to dr this morning who is going to talk to CAMHS about possible next steps.

Different kinds of personalities, but I am facing the same kind of worries...

And my daughter is an absolute sweetheart when she is not stressed. She is determined she wants to stay into the 6th form for a levels but can't get in at all at the moment and seems to have lots of displacement worries - skin, weight etc to take her mind off bigger picture.

Like you, I think I take on my daughter's worries for her. But I think that is me - I can't leave her with them on her own. I keep trying to step back but....

Oh bless you - sorry you are worrying too. I hope your DD finds support to get her confidence up and go to 6th form!

I love bombed DD into talking to me again, 🙄😂 as frustrating as it is and feels like I am backing down it is just easier.

I understand the controlling element because it must be the only way they can manage. DD is so controlling and some of it is infuriating

Also frustrating is that me pushing her to upset and engaging in a row and seeming like I am meddling has made her completely resolute ‘I DONT NEED YOU I AM DOING THIS ALL BY MYSELF WITHOUT YOU SO DONT SPEAK TO ME!!!!!!!!!’

Whereas I am now more relieved - as long as you bloody go to the meeting I don’t care about whether you accept my help with it or not!

I don’t know who has reversed psychology-ed who out of this situation

DD told me a typical story tonight about how she seems to perceive team sport. Netball. DD loves willing things but detests every element of team sports because no one ever understands her true potential, always puts her in a shit position and she then has to cause a confrontational scene with the girls/teacher and then does a flounce

*loves winning

What will CAMHS do to help your DD again? What helped first time?
I don’t think my DD is anxious about school in quite the same way, she just doesn’t like authority. To say she didn’t have to go would make her the most pleased person

CAMHS helped practically by communicating with the school and letting her start gradually.

She wanted to go back to school. She could have done Interhigh or some other home ed. She got very lonely.

This was/is my DD, she begrudgingly said she'd go to college, swiftly dropped out and has done
Nothing at all for 16 months. Any conversation ends in shouting and tears (from her) she won't consider engaging with mental health support, won't work and won't go to college 😬

@wishingforapositiveyear
Was she like this about school? do you think she will get bored eventually? Does she have friends?

@wishingforapositiveyear

Nightmare!!!
I would crack up. How are you sane? What will happen?
I think I may send DD to live with Dad if she chooses that route much to my sadness but I can’t think what else i would do!

Yes she was excluded from mainstream pretty early into secondary and attended an EBD school (with no sixth form)! Tried college, quit straight away nothing since even a calm broach on the subject results In tears and smashing things.

Unfortunately she doesn't get bored , she has a few friends and sees them 2-3 times a week. I wouldn't mind so much if she wasn't always trying to get money, she'll go out without a penny then send me emotional blackmail type texts that she needs to eat and doesn't want to be indoors so I must send 30 quid or I don't care!

She won't try medication or counselling.

I'm not sane , far far from it😂. I've detached for my own sanity as it doesn't matter what you do, sanction, reward, love bomb , even bribery and corruption she won't budge and if just ends in me working 12 hours a day then lying awake stressed all night.

That sounds so stressful.

Couldn't get my one in again this morning. Going to talk to the dr again tomorrow about drugs to help her.

Neither of my children see their father so that is not an option for me.

Please can I join this thread? I'm tearing my hair out with DD who's 17, almost 18 and in her final year of Sixth Form.

Having been the perfect child until 16, getting really good GCSE results, she moved to a new sixth form and everything has been downhill since then.

She's been hanging out with friends with 'issues' - eating disorders, overdoses, self-harm, lots of drugs. DD has picked up a bunch of these issues and is now extremely depressed, wanting to drop out of school and terrified of anything to do with the future. She won't make any plans for post-June. She's not applied to anything. She won't discuss having a gap year. She won't countenance Camp America. She just cries, shuts herself away and refuses to talk.

She's seeing a therapist - it's not doing any good. GP was useless. I don't know if a private psychiatrist would do any good.

Her appearance has gone to hell - she was so into fashion and now she shuffles around in baggy tracksuits, dirty hair. Her eating is sporadic and when she does eat it's just crap from deliveroo. I just feel like a complete failure as a parent and wish to god she'd never gone to this school.

Had a dreadful parents' evening yesterday with more tears and her just saying how crap school is, how she hates it and wants to drop out. Nothing constructive at all. I'm at a complete loss.

Would it be possible for her to change sixth forms? And can you try getting her a referral to CAMHS?

And see another GP? Receptionist are usually quite good at recommending the ones who are sympathetic to mental health issues and teenagers

She can't change sixth forms as it's too late in the day. All the GP can do is refer to CAMHS and I'm super reluctant to go down that route and have mental health issues on her medical records. Having a history of pretty patchy mental health, it's caused me no end of problems in getting life insurance, critical illness cover etc. Plus I don't know what CAMHS can do - they seem very reluctant to prescribe anything like SSRIs and she's already having talking therapy privately. I don't know.

DP is going to try and have a sensible conversation with her at the weekend. I'm taking a back seat as otherwise it just descends into me getting irate and her stonewalling and both of us in tears.