Fear and panic DD will drop out of school completely

[PookieDo]

I got roasted on MN earlier this year for saying I was scared DD would fail all her GCSE’s because she doesn’t give one shit about them and people told me I was mean for putting her down. She can’t get into the 6th form as her grades aren’t good enough. I have taken her to multiple colleges open evenings where she won’t speak to anyone.

I’ve tried to engage her with her School advisor but apparently ‘she’s a bitch’ and i am ‘also a bitch’ for anything I suggest.

She sends me daily texts now about how much she hates school and she has a college interview this week, which she is now also refusing to go to, won’t prepare for. She asked me to help her prepare then has manipulated every single attempt I made at helping so she could flounce off and announce she isn’t going to go. I got a list of standard questions asked at interviews. 1st question - she loses her shit refuses to answer it and storms off. I’ve tried cajoling her out of her room and have now said to her fine, but don’t expect a single driving lesson out of me if you are going to actively choose to be on the dole

I am actually starting to panic for real now. I’ve been so calm and really hopeful that she’s turned a corner and not about to fuck her life up through a series of angry crap decisions.

I cannot support her financially if she does not stay in education. I honestly think We would end up homeless - she’s not going to be able to earn much at 16/17 when she won’t go for one single interview for either a job or college. So she has no job, won’t look for a job, won’t prepare for a college interview, doesn’t want a job or School and is horrible to me when I try to talk about it. And I have 7 months to work out how I am going to cover this shortfall and not 2 years 7 months

I am not prepared financially for the drop in child benefit/UC, maintenance etc in July and at 16/17 I don’t think you can claim anything becasue you should be in education!

What am I supposed to do? Be a loving and supporting mother whilst she just angrily kicks me and herself in the balls repeatedly? How can I get through to her how important this is that she must at some point have to do SOMETHING like an interview, talk to someone or make an effort in life

I have suffered from serious mental illness all of my life, and know that there is still difficulty and stigma attached. But, I think avoiding getting help for your child because of future stigma and financial implications is a pity. I would think that it is also teaching your child that it is something to be hidden.

I found CAMHS chiefly useful because they were superb at communicating with school and helping improve my dd's school life through practical recommendations. There is always the option of moving and repeating a year - I think - if the year has been missed due to illness.

It is very very stressful though. I am trying to take a step back and let my daughter bear some of the responsibility - not very good at that.

HI new joiners to the fear thread sorry you find yourself here

Update on DD college: she went to interview and did ask me to come. For all her ‘I don’t need you’ bravado she clings to me like a bs y monkey. She sat and didn’t really speak up for herself at all and got signed onto 3 bloody A Levels which she won’t do, can’t do and doesn’t want to do but just sat like a nodding dog. I’m not being harsh - she can’t handle GCSE’s very well, she’s not going to manage 3 A Levels and walked out saying to me she didn’t want to do them. I held my tongue - I won’t get thanked for meddling.

Now she is on at me to let her drop a GCSE again. I am just very tired.

She’s been less disruptive since but I think this is down to me not really saying much about anything wnd just nodding along

My DD will not engage in any conversations about anything to do with mental health at all. I’ve tried many different ways to talk to her and either get a meltdown or stonewalling. I wish she wasn’t so against considering support. Also is interesting that she knows I had PND with DD2 although was only a toddler herself, she will refer to this sometimes in a derogatory way - as she sees this as me being weak. I think this is where a lot of her issues come from as although she wasn’t abandoned, I was ill and her DF was abusive and I retreated into myself for a few months. This has a very bad effect on DD1 - although she already was displaying extreme behaviours, this made them worse.

*baby monkey

Sorry to drone on I think that I feel hurt by DD’s behaviour towards me sometimes because I think she is angry with me and feels let down. I feel hurt because I didn’t do anything in her childhood on purpose (like PND or having her sister!) and I have tried very hard to be as good a parent as I can in my abilities. I tell them I love them every day, I talk to them all the time, I’m quite liberal in some ways and open. I always tell them I want the best for them. I always feel guilty and try way too hard to try to help DD’s all the time almost over compensating out of some kind of guilt (PND, being a single parent, not much money, crap dad, young mum etc etc) I have too much guilt and I think it makes DD angry? She doesn’t like me being vulnerable. I feel responsible for some of her anxiety.

Despite this nothing is ever enough for DD and she is always utterly convinced she is my least favourite child, I don’t love her as much and don’t care as much. Despite this she gets on fairly ok with her Dsis

It’s definitely ringing PDA bells.

OP what kind of course do you think might suit your DD/what else is offered by the college? At least if the college place is there it might be possible to talk to them about changes. This sounds so hars

I think a BTEC or NVQ would be much more practical

1. She would have more control over the coursework and less pressure than just doing straight exams
2. Less days in college than full time 5 days a week
3. Same subject would allow her to get more absorbed into that one subject instead of multiple subjects causing more stress

You know she sounds EXACTLY like my 11 year old DD who has ASD.

How on earth do i even broach that kind of discussion with her
I am really stumped

I tried to do it last time in saying let’s get you some support, you know it must be stressful to feel angry all the time but this makes her all the more defensive/avoidant

I have asked her for years and years to talk about her feelings and all she can say is things make her angry. She has on occasion said things have hurt her feelings - but in an angry way. Only angry

Here is my main list of concerns. I’m really going to be brutal about it

1. Severe and prolonged BABY and toddler tantrums. Would hurt herself and others. Becomes violent when angry nowadays with doors and other items (throwing them)
2. Obsessions. Will watch/listen things repeatedly, cannot stop until has watched every episode etc
3. Doesn’t like new thing, places or people at ALL
4. Obsessions over other people. She has severe aversion to people eating or drinking, people saying words in a certain way, certain tones of voices, any kind of fiddling movements (like rubbing your legs or your fingers)
5. Obsessed by her own hair
6. Obsessed by always having to have everything first. Using the toilet or shower. Will even shove you out of the way to get it
7. Always has a very odd versions of a recount of a conversation and will add in things that didn’t happen or were not said. She often believes this did happen because she thought it did
8. Doesn’t like being touched by anyone even if she knows them well. Not even affection or accidentally
9. Is very rude and has no filter

10. Doesn’t like any authority 11. Fixated on things. Possessions usually

She also doesn’t really like animals she is uncomfortable around them because they are unpredictable

But her good parts: (feel guilty I didn’t list them)
-She’s VERY funny and dry, usually because she is so blunt
-She’s generous and likes the power/feeling of sharing things with us
-She’s good with and liked by many small children - (usually because she and them can be repetitive together haha)

• she is responsible and trustworthy with many important things because she likes to do everything the right way
• she does nice things for people on their birthdays, important occasions and always thinks about things lkke that (DD2 never does she’s too lazy)
• she is good at organisation and planning for herself and others
• she is quite independent in many ways does own laundry etc and enjoys it
• she can be very loving to me (although this is often a side effect of her feeling unwell or anxious and needing me)

It sounds like you need to support her towards finding a plan for future that she can want, rather than you promoting college repeatedly which sounds like top of the list of what she doesn't want.

If she's good with kids, generous, cares about doing things propertly, sharp at reading people, creative & being organised, there are lots of job opportunities in that combined direction. Preschool practitioner NVQ for a start.

Thanks for your advice

College is an option not the only option but she doesn’t want to do an apprenticeship. But she has to do some form of education until she is 18, as is the law. I don’t think there is likely to be any actual form of legal repercussions to this except:

-It looks awful on CV’s for her future to be doing nothing
-She would be paid at a very low rate if she did get a job
-she can’t claim any benefits if she does do nothing

We have looked at apprenticeships over and over and she says no to them. College she did go to the interview and NVQ or BTEC is a really good option I hope she takes it! I have nothing against apprenticeships but it will still entail college if she does an NVQ. She can’t just leave education and I am not prepared to endorse her doing so just because she ‘can’t be bothered’.

She didn’t go to school today as feined illness and then was sad and mopey all day at being home alone

"has to do some form of education until she is 18, as is the law."

There is no penalty. She'll get endless mailshots from council, but no penalty if she is a NEET. Toothless 'law'. She could be offered Princes' Trust which might suit her.

It's not clear that your strategy is to support her to find an option she does like. Don't keep putting the options on a plate for her (sounds like you are insisting she must choose). Ask her what picture she'd like to have of her life in 2-4 years and then ask her what she thinks she wants to do to get there. Just keep encouraging her to think thru how she could get there rather than you telling her what you think the path is. If she isn't sure, ask her how you can help her figure it out. She needs to believe the path she ends up on is her plan of what she wants to do, so she needs to find her way to it.

I don’t know if we are coming from different angles
I cannot support her to do nothing and that is what I am taking off the table. The option nothing is not an option

Everything else is an option

She went to the college interview because you wanted her to go even though she doesn't want college. She's deferring to you about dropping the GCSE. She tells you stories about sport. She shouts at you (which is painful, but it IS communication).

She is engaging quite a bit, actually. You have huge influence. Just need to figure out the best way to leverage it so she wants to find a path forward while keeping your sanity.

Try to put her in the driving seat. Does she understand about how very tight your finances are?

I haven’t explained in depth that the finances are an issue as how would she ever be able to help. She wouldn’t and it’s not fair. But I have told her I can’t supoort her for long out of education and work and she can’t claim any benefits.

I took her to the open evenings at lots of colleges and schools but the bookings and interviews are all in her name to her email address and not mine. She also gets some support from the careers lady at school (apparently a bitch) who is pressuring her way more than I am. She told me the college dates and I booked time off and drove her. But beforehand she melted down about the interviews and makes rash negative claims/decisions that freak me out and make me panic

At the colleges it’s all about apprenticeships as well, she’s had talks at school and people visiting etc, a lot of focus is on them in year 11 to make a decision about what to do at the end of summer term. I don’t believe it’s just me banging away at her, it’s just what takes place in your GCSE year.

I’ve gone through the apprenticeship adverts online or sent her the links but explained YOU STILL HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE for at least 1 day a week. You tell me about NVQ - you still have to do college work!

I don’t believe it is ever in anyone’s best interests to be an unemployed 16/17 yo and while I want her to be happy part of growing up is making decisions about your future

If she’s going to leave at 16 and get a job then she needs to apply for jobs and go for job interviews. But she doesn’t want to do that either

Any option rather than option nothing. if she works in a shop for the rest of her life with no qualifications to her name I will still think she wasted her opportunities but at least she would have made her own decision about that and it would be A Job.

She can’t have no job and no college. If she had a medical condition or severe mental health problems I would understand but she is being defiant, obstructive and unrealistic

Preschool practitioner NVQ for a start.

Looked at this
Still need a job
Still need college/study/coursework/tutor

It’s the same thing I am talking about just a different format

In addition. the colleges and such like are asking students to apply now and giving conditional offers out. I don’t control their admissions process. Do you think its a good plan that she can’t be bothered right now to turn up to interviews and say it’s ok DD just sit in your bedroom sulking. I do not think that would be great parenting from me personally

You take the offers in August or you don’t take them. This is all I and School have asked DD to do. Go to the college, get the offer, decide after GCSE’s as you may change your mind. Don’t have no offers and no options at all. Colleges are flexible on their course options until enrollment, 6 weeks and even 1 year into a course. and apprenticeships will still be available later on but possible less choices the longer you leave it and no panic about last moment enrollments or interviews

She doesn’t like her teacher for GCSE PE and can’t be bothered to do the physical activities needed for her exam. Which is why she is always going on about dropping it. She chose it as an option not me.

List for her the kinds of things will have to be cut without CB, and clearly explain why you're worried about it disappearing.

Have you ever done selling? You don't focus on the bits she may not like. Help her see what she likes & wants. If she likes the future, minor aspects about the path to get there usually become more tolerable.

I well believe she's being a cow but you can't change that part. Don't get distracted by it.

ps:
if you think kicking her arse hard will work better, then that's your call.
Let us know how things work out, either way.

She doesn’t like anything and I am not exaggerating. I think I can tell what she likes by her behaviour (around small children) but she will not verbally discuss it. I come up with ideas and suggestions all the time, she will just respond ‘don’t know/don’t care/shut up’

I’m venting here but
This is a typical convo
Me: what about childcare
DD: oh stop it! Stop!
Me:

Me: you are very good at being organised DD. Here is a list of careers I found in the college book want to look?
DD: don’t like any already looked
Me:

DD: ok so on my 17th I want to have a driving lesson on the day. But you need to apply for my provisional licence ok? And I want to go prom dress shopping. I’ve sent you a load of links to them. I also want a new desk for my room
Me: DD do you think you will be getting a job to contribute to any of these things?
DD: I’ve already told you. No
Me: %%#* swear words

This is the type of thing she sends

And School

OP, if she isn’t on the autism spectrum I would be very surprised. My children both are. We went through similar with DD who refused to go to school from 14 onwards and we had a very bad few years. The diagnosis did help. She had tutors to finish school but refused to go to college. I received a lot of phone calls from various people wanting to know why she was 16 and not in education but no one followed anything up, she easily slipped through the net there. She would occasionally attend meetings and agree to everything but not follow anything up ever. At 18 she’s now working part time and studying independently and things are calmer.
Try not to react to her provoking you all the time, she craves a reaction. Smile and nod. When she gives you her list of demands tell her none of this is going to happen unless she co operates and it’s her choice not to. She sounds so like my daughter at that age.