How to get 14yo dd to put some thought into her appearance?

[ChintzTeapot]

I'm not worried about her hygiene as she's very clean but she'd live in walking boots, joggers and a tatty old hoody if we let her!

It's got to the point where I lay clothes out for her the night before or else she'll just fling on the first thing she picks up !

I just buy her clothes myself now but I've tried taking her shopping to pick her own, taking her out shopping with her friends and just giving her money to spend and leaving her be.
Anytime we've been shopping she just trails around looking bored until we get near the book shop or a sports shop and when I tried giving her money she said she didn't want get her own and she'd rather just have me pick it. And then she doesn't wear half of what I do buy!

How do I get her to start behaving like an adult and take some pride in her appearance?

Poor kid!
Did you ever think that she's a different person to you who clearly doesn't have your priorities? Let her be, she may care later, or not at all! Be proud she's not a sheep!

Once she discovers boys it will all change!
I wish my 15 year old would take less interest in hair clothes and make up to be honest. She is obsessed with her appearance which is even less healthy imo

As long as she's clean, why not just leave her to it? She's years off being an adult and frankly peer pressure is far more likely to have the effect of making her care about her appearance - probably too much in thr opposite direction!

Why does it matter? Surely she can wear what she likes as long as it's clean and not tatty?

She sounds wonderfully unselfconscious and sensible to me- can't you just enjoy her for who she is?

Hi is her self esteem and mental health? Lack of interest in appearance can indicate an issue however if its always been this way perhaps nor. I think unless she's experiencing anything negative from this such as bullying you can leave her to it. At some point she is going to have to take responsibility for buying her own clothes because that is part of being an adult but she's got a while yet.

Leave her be for fuck sake. As long as she’s clean and hygienic, that’s all that matters.

She sounds great, be careful what you wish for. Not all girls are into frilly dresses and makeup.

So long as she’s clean I can’t see the issue. She will be finding her way appearance wise and is obviously comfortable. I’ll let her be. So long as she’s adhering to school uniform and knows to dress appropriately for social events then how she dresses from day to day really isn’t important

Dd is the same age and not interested in clothes/make up/hair either. She wears skinny jeans from Primark, trainers and t shirts or hoodies from H&M. If she goes shopping with friends she doesn't buy clothes. I just point stuff out and she says whether she likes it or not. It doesn't bother me. I like how she is. Never has uniform issues at school as she doesn't choose to wear make up outside school let alone at school!

You sound horrific. Leave her be.

Well, walking boots, joggers and a tatty old hoody sound ok to me, as long as they're clean and she's clean too. Would you be worried if your son were dressing like that or is it just because she's a girl? Young women have enough societal pressure to conform without needing any additional pressure from their mums, so I would just back off and let her dress how she wants to. Lots of women aren't very interested in clothes and that's OK.

God, leave her alone

Yep my mum was always like his. I was perfectly happy in jeans and t shirts and trainers. No interest in clothes what so ever.
Mum is tall, slim and elegant (think Princess Diana type) and equates her self worth to her appearance.
I am short and stocky and looked ridiculous is the things mum wanted me to wear. (I appreciate you are giving your DD options). Mum was pretty chilled about what I wore, but deep down wanted me to live shopping with her and be a little fashionista.
Once I hit about 18 I became more concerned about clothes and what I was wearing. But to be honest it did and does cause me loads of angst, and I resent how much money it all costs.
Was actually happier in jeans and T-shirt, in my own bubble of not caring.

I hate most of what my 16 yr old dd wears! She loves baggy 2nd hand rubbish but I have no influence over her whatsoever. We do occasionally go shopping and if I’m paying, I do have a small say, but more often than not she’s with friends or buys online w her debit card. I’m just hoping it’s a phase. She can look amazing in nice clothes as she has a fantastic figure and is tall, but what she wears is not flattering... I cringe when she goes out in certain outfits. Luckily she is clean, nice hair etc it’s just the clothes!!
I don’t se what’s so bad about not liking what your dd wears, I’m sure my mum didn’t approve of what I wore half the time - ‘is that the fashion these days?’ She used to ask!

Btw I mainly live in jeans/leggings etc so am no way glam!! Maybe I feel that if I was her I’d be making the most of myself as she is much more blessed with her looks and figure than I was at that age.

No idea what the problem is! If she is clean and hygienic and is wearing clean clothes then that’s all that matters. Maybe she’s not into clothes? I never have been.

I was the same at her age. It wasn't until my mid 20s I started properly paying attention to the stuff I was wearing and what looked good. It's only recently that I've bought a decent foundation instead of cheap stuff! She may well start caring more in the future, just be prepared for it to be a while off yet.

I'm an adult, perfectly hygienic and all that, but I take absolutely no interest in my appearance. Never have, and as I'm 55 now it's probably past praying for.

Otoh I do go a bit mad around bookshops. Which is perfectly fine as I'm an academic and people are going to care an awful lot more about how much I have read than about how I dress.

I did discover boys, in fact the one I discovered when I was 19 was so good that I kept him . He isn't interested in clothes either.

But then I do actually believe there are people who are not interested in medieval liturgy or tropical fish. Sounds strange to me but there it is. People are all different.

I think your daughter sounds fab and in this day and age I’d be delighted to have raised a strong young woman who didn’t feel the need to conform to society’s pressure to focus on her looks and clothing. Please stop undermining her for this and have a good hard think about why her appearance and clothes interest you so much- are you jealous of her figure/looks/youth? It’s sounding a lot like more of an issue to do with you and your choices than her and hers.

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply.

I don't mind it so much most of the time but she seems to either not understand or not care that there are some occasions where it's not appropriate and I worry about if she has to dress for work or job interviews when she's an adult.

What lead me to posting is that I left her to get dressed for a going out for a family dinner for a special occasion and she put on a rugby top, legging and a fleece.

Surely at 14 she should know that this isn't an appropriate outfit for a special occasion?

Why don't you talk to her and say you want to choose a "special" outfit together? Or a couple? And just tell her she only has to wear them on occasions or for an interview etc

Don't give her a complex because you have a different style to her. I hope that my children are as comfortable with themselves as she is that she's happy to wear what she wants

I think as a teen it is horrible to be told that you are 'wrong' in some way. It chips away at you.

However, I do remember a TV makeover programme once working with a lady who had a very casual style. What they did was simply chose her slightly nicer versions of what she liked to wear, so she was still comfortable but looking slightly more well-presented.

eg. a rugby top, leggings and a fleece becomes a casual but pretty shirt, leggings and a cardigan.

Even though it is a special meal, I think any relatives are going to want to see your daughter, not what she is wearing. She is lovely in herself.

She sounds brilliant. Day to day it really doesn’t matter - in fact I’m these horribly narcissistic times with girls left right & centre being admitted for eating disorders & developing mental health issues because they are obsessing about their appearance & worrying about what people think whist taking duck face selfies, then you should thank your lucky stars.

My niece is a tree surgeon - she wears cargos a vest and a fleece every day of the week, has a great, happy life, wore the same through college, for every interview & now runs a successful company & owns a lovely house. I’ve seen her turn up in walking boots to a wedding & be the life & soul. Each to their own!

If you are very ‘groomed’ is she maybe rebelling against that?

i think she sounds fine, although I dont think it would have hurt her to put on even a plain black tshirt for a family meal instead of a rugby top.