How to get 14yo dd to put some thought into her appearance?

[ChintzTeapot]

I'm not worried about her hygiene as she's very clean but she'd live in walking boots, joggers and a tatty old hoody if we let her!

It's got to the point where I lay clothes out for her the night before or else she'll just fling on the first thing she picks up !

I just buy her clothes myself now but I've tried taking her shopping to pick her own, taking her out shopping with her friends and just giving her money to spend and leaving her be.
Anytime we've been shopping she just trails around looking bored until we get near the book shop or a sports shop and when I tried giving her money she said she didn't want get her own and she'd rather just have me pick it. And then she doesn't wear half of what I do buy!

How do I get her to start behaving like an adult and take some pride in her appearance?

Why do you concerned with what she might wear for work or interviews at 14? Are you planning on sending her to work soon or something?

You could have just told her to put on a shirt and left the leggings - they're fine for anywhere really. And if the family dinner was Pizza Express or similar the rugby top would have been fine anyway.

She's just like Erasmus: 'When I get a little money, I buy books; if there is any left I buy food and clothes'. Smart girl.

Seems like a non-issue. She should wear what she likes out of school. Presumably she would wear something else if going to a wedding etc.

I wouldn't expect a 14 year old to dress up just for a family dinner, my dds would wear anything for that. They would only dress smarter for a wedding or funeral.

My 14 year old DD is the same, I quite admire her refusal to play the game. I expect she will take more of an interest in her appearance - on her terms - as she gets older and gains more confidence.

Don’t see the issue ... let her wear what she wants.
Some people prefer to be comfy over super smart.
Even the rugby top ... she not harming anyone and as long as she’s clean leave her be to express herself as she wishes.

Branleuse - that was all I expected of her.

I don't want her to suddenly become interested in fashion I just want her to put some thought into wether what she's wearing is appropriate for the situation.

I work in a job where clothes being comfortable and practical is more important than looking smart so I do understand that she might not need to worry about dressing for work but I don't want her to struggle if she does decide to a job where presentation is important.
Though maybe it is too early to be worrying about this.

Maybe she will start acting like and adult when she's an adult?

It is very, very weird that you are laying out clothes for a 14 yr old.

she sounds much more sane than you, tbh.

Jesus, let her wear what she wants. If she's clean leave her alone.

Leave her alone, poor kid.

I think it's reasonable to insist that a teenager dresses appropriately for the occasion. Tatty old hoody is fine for hanging around in. If everyone is eating dinner in a restaurant and is expected to be a bit smarter, it's fine to insist that she finds trousers and tops that are smart and do not have holes in them, even if she prefers simple styles. For a wedding she should wear a basic but nice dress or trousers and top etc. If she has a school uniform she should obey the rules and keep her uniform tidy and mended. If she does work experience for school and has to wear a suit or business casual, she should do that. Totally reasonable to set out expectations about the above and help her to work out how to meet them.

It is completely fine for her to have no personal interest in shopping or clothes, however! My heart always leaps when I hear about a teenager who isn't happy in a shopping center until they approach the bookshop---trust me, a lot of parents would do anything to have that "problem"!

wouldn't expect a 14 year old to dress up just for a family dinner, my dds would wear anything for that.

I'm not on OP's side here regarding the clothes, however, she did specify that it was a family dinner for a special occasion, nott just a family meal out.

I'm not sure I agree that people should have to dress-up for special occasions though. Being comfortable is more important, why force someone to be someone they clearly don't want to be and aren't enjoying?

My dds are 18 and 15 and both very sporty. The 15 yr old rows and practices 2 hrs a day Mon-Fri plus regattas at the weekend. The do like to look after their appearance and wear makeup etc. but they are also very confident and relaxed. They wear very comfy, athletic clothes most of the time. But can glam up when they want. Maybe OP buy your dd really nice comfy sportswear, look at what she actually wears and buy her the nicest versions, like highly quality hoodies, sweatshirts, trackpants and leggings. My dds like Adidas and Lululemon.

Your dd sounds great! Don't nag her into feeling bad about herself.

If I had a teenager that got excited about book shops and sport I'd be over joyed. Leave her be, she sounds amazing.

Aw she sounds great.
Clothes that are actually dirty, stained or have holes in aren't ok, other than that, meh. Fair enough, a hoodie isn't acceptable for a naice dinner out. I didn't wear a dress or skirt from 10-18, other than occasionally a denim skirt or a dark red cord skirt. Smart was said skirts or black/ grey jeans, rather than blue, with black/ dark coloured top/ jumper. Casual boots or loafers, not trainers. Would something like that work for naice occasions? Imo you can't expect more than that really, she's clean, it's just that her appearance isn't her priority and that's ok.

It's years before she has to think about formal job interviews and no doubt that will be explained to her very clearly by her Sixth Form careers advisor, together with other helpful hints. It's not something she has to practise years in advance any more than she needs to start memorising the bus route to her future interview. She can deal with it when the need arises and she will be told, don't worry.

I wear my late MIL's cast-offs for work and have zero interest in clothing, but when I needed to do a job interview the other year I went out and bought an outfit at M & S. Dead easy. I got the job.

Yes, you could have insisted that she dress up for the special occasion. But all that requires is one special outfit that she likes and a reminder that it's polite to wear it for this particular occasion. It doesn't require her to take a more extended interest in her wardrobe.

Leave her alone. She sounds pretty carefree which is a rare thing in this age group.

Embrace her individuality.

My eldest dd is 14 and is the same. She is very much a home bird and likes to stay in and she is happiest in comfy clothes so can usually be found wearing pj pants and a hoodie. If we go out then that changes to a pair of leggings and a hoodie or jeans and a hoodie. She doesn’t wear makeup and her hair is almost always in a pony tail. She’s happy as she is so I’m happy too. Leave your dd alone if she’s happy, there’s plenty time for hair faffing and makeup when she’s older if she wants to.

She is only going to know what is appropriate if you talk to her though. Dd is 15 and very similar she is just not very self conscious, of its weather appropriate and covers her body that’s good enough for her. We have had several conversations about dressing appropriately for different situations and I’ve guided her in to clothes she is comfortable in but suitable for the event. It’s not something we are born knowing it’s something we learn.
Dd has stared developing her own style it’s a little alternative compared to the ‘fashion’ at the moment and she looks fabulous. She has never been interested in make up but we were in Sephora on holiday and one of the women did her eye make-up and she loved it and is thinking about giving it a go. It does come with time. For now day to day leave her be and help guide her for special events in a few years you will be wishing she spent less time on her appearance.

I think the poster who asked would it be different if she was a boy was spot on. Boys will need to do job interviews too, at exactly the same rate as girls, but how often do you find a parent worrying because they've had to tell their 14yo hoodie-wearing boy "Auntie Marge's special do is tomorrow, you will need to wear your black trousers and tie". We just do it automatically and assume that your boys will make their way through life anyway and somehow assimilate that you don't turn up for your interview at the bank in trainers and a builder's bum.

Take her to the book shop and buy her nice sports clothing

My DH and DSs have little/no interest in clothes

My 13 year old cleans her teeth and loves showers, but no make up, tatty hoodies and joggers and knackered trainers that belong to her sisters. She's very happy, sensible with a fantastic sense of humour and I'm very proud to have her as my dd.

It really doesn't matter what they wear. I do like her to be clean and that's it.

My DH and DSs have little/no interest in clothes.

I tell them before an event- smart clothes please, tidy shoes- and they wear the smart trousers, the smart shirt and remember to put on shoes not trainers.

Pick out a smart outfit for DD. Tell her 'this is what I want you to wear when I say smart'. Leave her to it. The rest of the time she can wear what she wants.