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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to get 14yo dd to put some thought into her appearance?

85 replies

ChintzTeapot · 21/10/2018 20:48

I'm not worried about her hygiene as she's very clean but she'd live in walking boots, joggers and a tatty old hoody if we let her!

It's got to the point where I lay clothes out for her the night before or else she'll just fling on the first thing she picks up !

I just buy her clothes myself now but I've tried taking her shopping to pick her own, taking her out shopping with her friends and just giving her money to spend and leaving her be.
Anytime we've been shopping she just trails around looking bored until we get near the book shop or a sports shop and when I tried giving her money she said she didn't want get her own and she'd rather just have me pick it. And then she doesn't wear half of what I do buy!

How do I get her to start behaving like an adult and take some pride in her appearance?

OP posts:
titchy · 23/10/2018 08:22

It's got to the point where I lay clothes out for her the night before or else she'll just fling on the first thing she picks up !

Yes why are you doing this? It's HIDEOUSLY controlling and speaks volume about what you think of her - way to destroy her self esteem. I assume she doesn't have smart family lunches everyday so why?

Pebblesandfriends · 23/10/2018 08:27

I completely get your dd, at that age, in fact until I was about 17 I was very self conscious and had a great fear of overdressing. I hated my mum's efforts to smarten me up. What I would have liked at 17 ( not 14) though was a colour consultation and make up lesson from professionals to give me confidence once I started to develop an interest in that sort of thing. For now leave her be.

justforareply · 23/10/2018 08:32

Leave her to it
DD1 interested in clothes/make up at 14/16. Now 19 and not the slightest bit interested in clothes/shopping/make up - they change of their own accord
I told her clearly what I thought when she told me at 15 that all her friends had MAC primer, foundation, concealer, finishing powder and not fair that she didn't 😳

Tinklewinkle · 23/10/2018 08:34

My DD2 (13) is mad on horse riding and usually wears jodhpurs or leggings and a hoodie and wellies or a pair of trainers that are more hole than trainers these days (she does have several pairs of non-holey shoes)

Most of the time I leave her to it, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect her to make a bit of an effort for a special occasion.

I’ve bought her a couple of outfits that are variations on the leggings/hoodie favourites but that are smarter (and banned from being worn to muck out horses Hmm) - so leggings with a nice top and ballet-type pumps, which she’ll wear without complaint if we’re going somewhere a bit nicer

RiverTam · 23/10/2018 08:39

might it be worth booking her an appointment with a personal dresser just to get her a couple of outfits for special occasions, then she doesn't need to think about it anymore. She may be worried that she doesn't know what suits her and doesn't want to get it wrong and have people laugh at her. Then it's not you, her mum, telling her what to wear.

Having seen your second post I do agree that whilst the main thing is that she's clean, there are times when a fleece and joggers aren't appropriate.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 08:54

What's wrong with not caring abut what you wear? She sounds a damn sight more mature than you do in this situation. You are choosing her clothes daily so all this rubbish about wanting her to dress nicely because it is a family meal is nonsense.

Leave her to make her own choices I have no doubt she is intelligent enough to realise that sometimes you need to be mindful of what you wear, in an interview for example.

If this was a man putting out his partners clothes he would rightly be called controlling. The behaviour you are exhibiting is very belittling and demeaning.

Her outfit for the family meal was probably a protest at being treated like a 2 year old, I know toddlers who have more autonomy in what clothes they wear. Hmm

bastardkitty · 23/10/2018 09:03

Once she discovers boys it will all change!

might it be worth booking her an appointment with a personal dresser just to get her a couple of outfits for special occasions, then she doesn't need to think about it anymore

^ I despair. My DD is similar. We bought a couple of dark tops she could live with if she needed to go somewhere a bit smarter. Honestly, she's wonderful and I love her just the way she is.

MrsJayy · 23/10/2018 09:09

She is 14 let her live in her hoodies if that is what she is comfy in Im assuming she wears different clothes for school ^going out for biryhday parties etc etc. She doesn't need to worry about job interview attire at 14.

RiverTam · 23/10/2018 09:25

bastard it's just a suggestion! I would have loved a hip young woman at Topshop or wherever helping me find out what I liked and what suited me instead of my mum trying to do so.

I'm sure the OP's DD is wonderful and is loved, it doesn't change the fact that knowing what to wear in certain situations is a useful life skill, and if it's not innate then why not help out? She's literally talking about special occasions only.

titchy · 23/10/2018 09:57

She's literally talking about special occasions only.

No she's not. She lays out clothes EVERY DAY lest her dd wear something unsuitable...

reallyanotherone · 23/10/2018 10:14

Yep leave her alone. Clean and tidy is more than fine.

When you say “special occasion” did she meet the dress code for the establishment you were at? If so, no problem. If she was in trainers at a place that is shoes only then you have a point.

The focus on girls appearance is ridiculous. I rarely tell my mother about going out anywhere as it’s like the inquisition. What will you wear? You can’t wear x and y you know, you’ll have to go buy z. Which will go on and on for weeks. Even if i don't tell her the venue and dress code. And i will wear x and y, because there is no reason not to. Dc won a sport award recently and i made the mistake of telling her. Weeks of phone calls about buying a dress, will have to “look nice”. Worrying that we will get the dress code wrong. Way to instill paranoia!

When i was 13 and started earning my own money it was a massive relief to discover goth/emo/alternative dressing. Black jeans and a black t shirt, doc martins, ideal for any occasion. Long black skirt and a fitted black tee for non jeans occasions. Took a huge amount of pressure off- i was utterly sick of my mum hovering, judging my clothes, and actually sending me to get changed on occasion. She hated my black phase, but couldn’t really argue as she couldn’t tell me a black tee didn’t go with my black jeans.

She still bloody buys me clothes at 50 in an attempt to smarten me up.

Alexandra2018 · 23/10/2018 10:16

Just leave her to it as long as she's clean! I've got rid of everything I've bought my dd she has her own style I'm sick of wasting money now! She can wear the scruffy boots and ugly tops I give up 

Blessthekids · 23/10/2018 10:19

I kinda understand what OP is saying. I have a dd who was similar which on the whole I didn't really have a problem with but at about 14 I did start to have to put my foot down. Partly because going to the shops multiple times for her was tiresome. To be clear I don't particularly like fashion or shopping and I do not need my kids to be into fashion, boys or make up. However, its all good and well saying to me I don't mind, buy anything and I'll wear it then I buy the stuff and you don't wear it, I have to return it a few days later and you won't give any specifics of what you want beyond 'anything'. I started to drag her out and refuse to leave the shop til she picked out a few items of clothing she was willing to wear.

She is better now and of course she's stopped growing now. She also has more of an idea of what she likes and doesn't like. My aim was not to turn her into some clothes horse but to realise that as she becomes an adult, the responsibility of buying clothes to wear is hers not mine. Although always happy to give an opinion!!! Nearly there.

MrsJayy · 23/10/2018 10:21

I agree there is so much ingrained pressure on girls to look nice it is ridiculous as long as they are not smelly and have brushed hair my dds looked fine going out to lunch or wherever .

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2018 10:25

I work with several people who dress like this. They will have interviewed in the same clothes and been chosen for their skillsets. There are many types of work out there and if she ends up in something sports related she'll spend her life in joggers or leggings!

TubeTop · 23/10/2018 10:29

I wish I'd been more like your dd as a teenager! She sounds ace.

reallyanotherone · 23/10/2018 10:30

I put on a lot of weight post kids, was skint as unemployed. Hadn't had my hair cut in 5 years, and none of my old “business wear” fitted.

I rocked up for a job interview, hair in a reasonably tidy bun, no make up, black drawstring trousers, loose beige shirt and a cardi. I felt comfortable and more confident than i would have fat and trussed up in a cheap business outfit.

Funnily enough i got the job. Because i have the qualifications and ability to do the work. Not because i was dressed a certain way.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2018 10:33

Once she discovers boys it will all change

Yes, becayse assuming she will grow up straight is the way to go. And she will dress for their pleasure.

Sigh.

sayyatiddaknini · 23/10/2018 10:41

This all sounds totally normal. Mine have a uniform for every occasion of jeans, converse/trainers, t shirts and hoodies, as do all of their friends. I don't see the problem. Your laying out clothes for her reminded me of Bridget Jones's mum laying out a "lovely" outfit made out of curtain material!

Kemer2018 · 23/10/2018 10:47

She sounds a little like my daughter.
Just accept her for who she is. Keep your thoughts to yourself so she doesn't lose self-esteem.
It can be hard, mine is additionally a bit of a soap dodger so has to be shoe horned into the shower.....but she will bathe with a bath bomb.
She loves camo and boyish colours and styles. But as long as she's happy that's what matters
She's 12.

C0untDucku1a · 23/10/2018 10:49

Expect her to think and dress like an adult when she actually is an adult.
Me and my dd went to a tween / teen concert at the weekend with the female hosts all dressed like teenage girls. Two wore camouflage combat trousers, fitted tshirt and trainers. Me and dd spent yesterday shopping to get her the same outfit. I thought it was refresing to see tween / teen idols who were dressed to auit the audience! unlike when we saw little mix in summer

Cherries101 · 23/10/2018 10:55

You treat a child like a baby and you get a baby. She isn’t aware of what’s ‘appropriate’ to wear in a social setting because you never told her. You just keep picking clothes out and then expect her to know how to do it instinctively. The reason she doesn’t wear what you pick out is probably because you don’t take her to the places she might find fashionable.

Littlechocola · 23/10/2018 10:56

Is she happy?
Surely that’s all that matters?

PurpleTrilby · 23/10/2018 11:08

It's not what you look like on the outside that matters, it's how you feel on the inside.

cestlavielife · 23/10/2018 11:10

Eh?
She s 14
Let her wear what she wants.
When it s interview / work experience you can suggest otherwise ..but she will learn by experience when the placement tells her. Though if it's social media or gardening she will be fine!

Give her clothes allowance. Don't dress her she is not 4!

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