Say 'no' to giving DD's friend a home for a year?

[Madmog]

DD has a lovely 17 year old friend. A while ago we found out that while growing up she's been abused by her parents, her earliest memory being at three years. Not constantly, but verbal and physical abuse. She picked up the courage to tell the school a few months ago (although she'd confided in DD before that without us knowing). Myself, another parent and school reported parents to Social Services and they've been involved, as well as regular support at school. She's still at home as wants to go to uni so basically needs a roof over her head while she does her A levels. The relationship has totally broken down, they don't speak, she doesn't ask anything of them, lifts, cooking, food etc.

Social Services have now told her they can't really do much else as she's free to leave home at her age and asked her if she can come up with any other options. She's told DD there are two families she would consider, one of which is us.

Pretty sure DH will be a no, but that's half how I half feel. DD has a bursary at a school away from home, so it would be just us and friend most of the time. Her friend would have DD's room and one sleep on the floor when DD comes home for hols (that part isn't an issue). I suppose we're at that age where our child is independent and we can just think of ourselves, go out when we want, put pjs on at 7pm etc etc. DD's friend is willing to cook, do her own washing, but I don't want to be working around someone else in the kitchen, queue for the shower etc. Also, feeling I need to keep the house clean more clean and tidy. We could afford to feed another, but then would have to cut back on treats.

At the same time, I half feel I'm letting her down. I've always made it clear friend can contact us if she needs to, and she's done this once late on a Saturday and come to us. This offer will continue. Another consideration is letting her just live here while doing her A levels, approx a month, so she can have a clear head without pressures from home (which there will be as she's already a failure in their books). That's not so bad, as it's only a month and DD wants to return between her exams sometimes.

Any thoughts?

Don't do it if you don't want to, OP. I think the offer of having her to stay for one month during A Levels is a good compromise.

We are all different it's not one size fits all. It's perfectly ok to do what you feel is best for you and your home/family life.

You've been such a great help to your DDs friend already and thats a good thing.

What about the other family she'd like to stay with? Could she share her time between the two houses?

It’s not about having low standards. A well behaved 17 year old is still a 17 year old who will soon be 18.

If you’ve ever seen an episode of Judge Judy, any act of goodwill eventually comes back to bite you.

I think I'd do this until June/July - just to get her through her A Levels. Set ground rules re cleaning, behaviour etc (I'm sure your own DD has these). Seek advice from CAB or the like re. finances.

I don’t think I could take her for a year on these circumstances considering that there is no spare room, your DD won’t be at home and your DH is not supporting the idea.
You won’t be able to change this after a month trial - it’s very serious. This girl needs stable support. And as many PPs said 17 is a very tricky age for social services, out of children but not with adult services yet. So you will be responsible for her solely.
I think that it’s a situation where you should offer her to stay with you rather then she will ask, otherwise you are not ready for this. Hope it makes sense.

I would do it in a heartbeat and you would be very mean if you said no.

What nonsense. There are a lot of well-meaning proclamations of how people would do it without thinking twice on this thread, when of course that is easily said when no one is asking it of you and you can imagine yourself being selfless. There were exactly the same opinions on a recent thread posted by someone with a large family of her own who was being asked to take in and raise a relative's two year old who would otherwise be adopted. Cue lots of heartfelt proclamations of how posters could never see a relative enter the care system etc etc. Again easily said.

OP, I would think very carefully all round the situation, and recognise that it may not be just room and board for a year that you are committing to, what happens post-A levels, and the likelihood of the friendship with your DD breaking down while the friend lives with you. And if your husband cannot see his way to doing this, I think you need to respect that and find other ways of supporting this girl.

Going against the grain, I don't think I would be up for doing this. It's an odd situation to have the friend staying in your DDs room when she is away at school.

What is the situation with the other family considering helping out? Could you share responsibility and offer to have the friend in the school holidays?

How does your DD feel about this, does she want this to happen?

My parents died when I was a teenager and I was living independently at 16. I was in what was a type of University Halls in London which had rooms which were mostly rented to uni students but also to young adults who were working. I was still under the care of the local authority and was financially supported by them until I was 18, I saw my social worker about once a week.

My mum had died of cancer and my dad was very emotionally abusive and neglectful so moving into these halls felt like heaven. On the other hand I wish I had had a loving family to take me in, I definitely needed the emotional support. I have dds who are 18 and 15 now and it horrifies me to think of them being so vulnerable. I did eventually get to university but years behind schedule because I was struggling to cope with absolutely no support. I wasn't even massively needy, it just makes all the difference in the world to have calm, emotionally mature adults to rely on in an orderly sane environment.

I know it is a big ask OP but you would be offering a solid, stable environment at a crucial time for her. If you decide to go ahead I would talk about reasonable expectations and house rules openly as problems happen when people assume what to expect from each other. This would only be a temporary arrangement for all of you and would just help her launch successfully and safely to the next stage in her life.

Thanks for all your comments and links. DH wasn't an outright "no" last night, he's a busy person with work, volunteering so have to catch him at the right moment for a proper talk.

I don't know if the other family have been approached. I got the impression Social Services want something (if anything) in place very soon, but it's not something we can rush into as we just need to consider the impact of everything.

I've already thought about the uni situation as well. From things that have been said in the past, parents want their child to do better for herself than they did - however they haven't handled this element right and have put unnecessary pressure and punishments for not doing as well as they hoped. This is just one issue. I do know the parents a bit and I suspect they'll support her through uni as they'll want this for her, but if she moves out who knows if they'll support her then. Her grades weren't as good as predicted for GCSEs, mocks didn't go well (although school acknowledge she was dealing with everything coming to a head) so who knows with continuing pressure what the outcome of A levels will be.

She does have a job and uses her money to keep independent from her parents, ie train expenses to look at unis on her own, not asking them for things she needs etc.

If it's a possible yes, then I think it'd be a good idea to have her to stay for a few days while DD is here, if she can wait that long. just to see how it goes from both sides and it'll be more relaxed with DD around initially. Growing up, she was quite highly strung (know why now) and didn't have the confidence to stay at people's homes but looks like she's having to overcome her fears.

Please don't make any decisions without speaking to social services.

It would be far better for her if this was a formal agreement so she can access post 18 services.

My worry would be if she leaves her parents and then has little support later on from the local authority, how she will manage.

I got the impression Social Services want something (if anything) in place very soon, but it's not something we can rush into as we just need to consider the impact of everything.

Don't let SS rush you. I bet they'd love to have someone offer an informal arrangement with no/minimal support from them. But they have legal obligations and you can push back. Do some research and find out what support they could give you, financial and emotional, so that you and DD's friend all get the support you need.

*Totally agree with klenziet - please get a formal agreement with social services in place if you do offer her a home.
*
If you don't it really could impact you all negatively in the future. They are acknowledging she needs to be out of the current living situation she is in. They should be supporting her financially and emotionally to do this. If you agree to an informal arrangement it could prevent her getting support in the future.

I honestly think I'd have to but then I am a soft touch.

There'd be very strict rules so that everyone is clear what's acceptable and what's not and if they're broken then she's out.

I think having a stable loving home could be the turning point this girl needs.

It's all very well for strangers posting here to say that they would take the child but they are not the ones in your position.

I personally would be willing for her to stay during A levels but not for a long term commitment.

If she stays between now and A levels then you will also have her for the summer. If she doesn't get into Uni will you ask her to leave?

If her and your daughter are no longer friends and fall out then you will have to ask her to leave.

If you realise that you don't like living with her you will have to ask her to leave.

It's not going to be an easy or short term no matter how you look at it.

If your DH isn't in agreement it's a non-runner anyway as your family have to come first and you can't cause issues in your marriage because of the situation.

I think this would have to be a family decision & I do wonder how your DD would feel being away at school whilst her friend was living in her room at home?
I would also need to reach an agreement with SS & not let them completely abnegate any responsibility for her.
Sharing with the "other family" may a be a viable option.
What will happen when/if she does go to uni? she is still going to require financial & emotional support then.
A very difficult situation & in my view not in anyway as simplistic as some pp are making out.

We were in a similar situation when dd was 16 and her best friend's mum got sectioned and we were the only option that allowed her to stay in the town and complete her exams etc. We thought long and hard but we did do it in the end.

I don't think my conscience would allow me to do anything but take her in. It's a year out of your life. It's a good thing to do. It's a way of showing love to your own child if she wants this to happen.

For me it would have to be a decision agreed to by everyone living in the house as it is their home too.
Also the worst possible scenario would be if it did not work out & she was asked to leave.

Very true. You want everyone to be on board.

Your husband is a hypocrite. Volunteering? When there is someone on his doorstep who needs a home and the alternatives are bleak? This is not some adult who has fucked up their own life, but a victim of the worst kind of betrayal, by her own immediate family. God, dp and I took in our friend for 4 months because she screwed up her relationship and couldn’t afford to survive when she was kicked out. She got back on her feet and now is off travelling. And she brought it at least partially on herself! (Although she couldn’t go home to family because of cancer and relationship breakup in other parts of her family, so she really had run out of options)

That's harsh - how is the DH a hypocrite for having commitments to volunteering work that presumably he's been doing long before this issue arose.

Giving a bed to an adult for 4 months is very different to taking in a child for an unspecified period of time. Especially when your own child is not going to be at home for a lot of the time. Not knocking that OP, I'm a parent of boarders but o can see how that adds a level of complexity to the arrangements. Make sure whatever you do, that it doesn't negatively impact on your relationship with your DD.

If you do this as a family it's amazing.

You need to insist it's done formally by social services, so you being foster cares so she can access support for care leavers when she's older.

OP if you do this make sure that formal arrangements are put in place by SS, for the girls benefit as much as yours.

I have a friend who did something similar, assumed that once she went to uni that that was job done, but by then the girl felt like that was her home and her new family were 'rejecting' her and she went into a complete downward spiral, even making allegations about her DH. She had been a lovely girl but too many assumptions were made on both sides. Get something in writing. Very, very few 18 year olds go off to uni and never come back.