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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Say 'no' to giving DD's friend a home for a year?

104 replies

Madmog · 10/10/2018 16:58

DD has a lovely 17 year old friend. A while ago we found out that while growing up she's been abused by her parents, her earliest memory being at three years. Not constantly, but verbal and physical abuse. She picked up the courage to tell the school a few months ago (although she'd confided in DD before that without us knowing). Myself, another parent and school reported parents to Social Services and they've been involved, as well as regular support at school. She's still at home as wants to go to uni so basically needs a roof over her head while she does her A levels. The relationship has totally broken down, they don't speak, she doesn't ask anything of them, lifts, cooking, food etc.

Social Services have now told her they can't really do much else as she's free to leave home at her age and asked her if she can come up with any other options. She's told DD there are two families she would consider, one of which is us.

Pretty sure DH will be a no, but that's half how I half feel. DD has a bursary at a school away from home, so it would be just us and friend most of the time. Her friend would have DD's room and one sleep on the floor when DD comes home for hols (that part isn't an issue). I suppose we're at that age where our child is independent and we can just think of ourselves, go out when we want, put pjs on at 7pm etc etc. DD's friend is willing to cook, do her own washing, but I don't want to be working around someone else in the kitchen, queue for the shower etc. Also, feeling I need to keep the house clean more clean and tidy. We could afford to feed another, but then would have to cut back on treats.

At the same time, I half feel I'm letting her down. I've always made it clear friend can contact us if she needs to, and she's done this once late on a Saturday and come to us. This offer will continue. Another consideration is letting her just live here while doing her A levels, approx a month, so she can have a clear head without pressures from home (which there will be as she's already a failure in their books). That's not so bad, as it's only a month and DD wants to return between her exams sometimes.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
MsForestier · 10/10/2018 18:44

Oh brie Flowers that's awful. I'm tearing up here.

billybagpuss · 10/10/2018 18:45

We did it for DD's BF, he was thrown out just before Christmas of his A level year.

Don't worry about the keeping the house 'guest level' clean and tidy, she will be so grateful for a roof over her head the state of the house will be the last thing on her mind. You will settle into a different routine so you don't feel you're working around her. She may get a part time job to help with the budgeting.

Yes it is a big commitment, but you will have such an impact on her life by keeping her off the streets and allowing her the space to grow.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 10/10/2018 18:48

Have u spoken to your DD ?? What does she say? I think, like a PP said, it would depend on how long and how well you know her

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 10/10/2018 18:49

It's one year. That's nothing. I wouldnt even hestlitate.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 10/10/2018 18:49

*hesitate

lightlypoached · 10/10/2018 18:49

I'd do it. How horrendous for her having to share a space with her abusers, just awful.
We put up DDs BF after a breakdown in his parental relationships (alcoholics). It was not ideal but he's now safely settled in Uni. We just know that the intervention has made a huge positive impact to his life, and that finally he's had the chance to experience what a real loving ordinary relationship is like, which will set him up for ever. That's so rewarding.
no regrets here.

suggestions of financial help are good ones and might be worth looking into.
I really wish her well, she sounds a very resilient young woman.

Enterthewolves · 10/10/2018 18:51

Social services have a legal obligation to work with her - she’s a child. Please support her to take advice from Coram Legal Advice lawstuff.org.uk

HandlebarTash81 · 10/10/2018 18:52

I agree. I think it’s a short enough period of time that it’s worth it.

I’d happily slob around - she’ll probably want to as well but won’t unless you do!

I guess a potential problem might be what happens if her and your DD grow apart and how that impacts DD when she’s home, but that sounds unlikely.

IdontknowwhyIcallhimGerald · 10/10/2018 18:57

Having known two teens who ended up.in hostels and "supported" living I'd say do anything you can to keep her out of those places and safe in a caring, family home.

Lindah1 · 10/10/2018 18:58

I'd do it op, imagine if it were you in that situation. A few months is nothing in a lifetime. As others have said I don't think you need to worry about cleanliness etc she will just be grateful for the break.

gizmomonki · 10/10/2018 18:59

I wouldn't do it fir the reasons you've stated your pretty much free and it is a burden.

buckingfrolicks · 10/10/2018 19:02

I'd do it. I'd love to be able to support a young woman who has had such a shot start in life.

I think tbh it's selfish not to. What role model are you setting your DD? A clean house is more important than a human being? Christ I've taken dogs in, why not a young, vulnerable and hurting human?

Megs4x3 · 10/10/2018 19:02

I would have loved this kind of help when I was about that age. Fostering isn't an option for her at 17. I've done this 2 or 3 times for friends of my children and would do it again in a heartbeat. You've already said she is lovely and it won't be for long in the grand scheme of things. It's a big ask I know and will need everyone to be on board fully, but please consider it. If my experience of doing this is anything to go by the benefits far outweigh the perceived hassle.

Singlenotsingle · 10/10/2018 19:07

Why don't you start off by offering her the one month option, and see how it goes? You should have the child benefit paid to you so that'll be a little bit towards the cost.

ZenNudist · 10/10/2018 19:09

There are a lot of lovely selfless people on this thread. I couldn't do this. I'd be worried that I'd make the situation worse not better in so far as when it all got too much it would create conflict. It's not like you can say yes now and back out later. And then what do you do when you want to go out for a meal with your husband do you offer to take her with you you'll feel ever obliged to make sure she's got something to eat. If your DD was actually at home it might make a difference but I definitely wouldnt do it if I've got no other children at home.

But that's just me assuming that you have other things in your life keeping you busy and you don't necessarily have the time to take on the care of another child. If you are at a loose end and looking for someone to care for and don't think that you'd get resentful of the massive incursion on your time and space and money then maybe it is for you.

You also have to consider your marriage. If your DH does not want to do this and you overrule him I think you could find yourself in for some blame strewn conversations later.

My in-laws took in a friend's 17 year old as a favour for a year. She turned out to be greedy lazy dirty and a liar. I know this is a worst case scenario and I'm sure this girl isn't anything like that. I know how much stress is caused my in laws. We would not have realised how bad things could have got from knowing her very well beforehand and having been on holidays and had her to stay over loads of times.

Remember you don't really know somebody until you live with them and then they let their guard down and start to feel comfortable and you might find that their habits don't mesh with your habits.

TeaByTheSeaside · 10/10/2018 19:10

I would do it in a heartbeat and you would be very mean if you said no.

When we were teenagers, my brothers friend's dad threw my brothers friend out as soon as he turned 16. His dad stuck him in a horrible damp bedsit so he could be with his new partner. My mum took him in and he lived with us for 2 years. He slept on the floor in my brothers bedroom. He said it was through my mum's support that he got good grades in his A levels and now has a good job.

If you can help out someone else, why wouldn't you?!

SilverHairedCat · 10/10/2018 19:11

@user1493413286 supportive living is awful. It's as unsupportive as you can get in my experience, certainly not a family life and definitely not a pleasant environment for a child wanting to better themselves.

OP, if you are able to do anything to support this young person, even if it is just during A Level exams, that sounds fabulous. See how that goes perhaps, then consider the longer term.

namechange57 · 10/10/2018 19:14

Here's a speech from someone in a similar position. I saw this last week.

Have a think about how much help you feel able to give. In this situation I'm sure every little bit of help will be appreciated and remembered for years to come.

theboxofdelights · 10/10/2018 19:18

I would do it if I had the room and I could afford it in the circumstances. It is such a short amount of time and at 17 you don't need to supervise etc.

I would just embrace her as part of the family for the few months until after her A levels. I would want her to eat with me and muck in around the house like a family member rather than a guest.

AltogetherAndrews · 10/10/2018 19:18

I understand your reservations, but think of it this way: however difficult it would make your life, it is nothing compared to how difficult her life will be for that year if you don’t. She needs to get out before further abuse happens, you could give her safety. I have done it twice for friends of my DSS, it wasn’t easy, but I couldn’t leave them stranded. Set ground rules and stick to them, maybe suggest meeting with the other family she has mentioned and see if it can be a shared arrangement, to give you respite and space.

buckingfrolicks · 10/10/2018 19:20

Look OP, if your in the SE I'll have her for a year. Seriously.

BiscuitTinClarabel · 10/10/2018 19:20

I have taken in a teenager (different circumstances, someone we knew well who had been bereaved). It was a bit weird initially and took a while to feel properly relaxed on both sides but absolutely no regrets. Love having him around. And I will always feel glad that we did all that we could.

buckingfrolicks · 10/10/2018 19:21

You're not your. Would hate to appear illiterate!

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 10/10/2018 19:22

So is she starting upper sixth now, so she will sit A levels next summer and hopefully uni next Sept? Yes I think I would invite her to live with you until uni. It's frustrating for you, but I think it will make a massive difference to her life if she has somewhere calm to live this year, and I think you will settle into living with her. Once she starts uni I'd prob want to have only short visits rather than whole holidays.

Spudina · 10/10/2018 19:24

My XBFs parents did this for me when I was 17 and kicked out of home. It didn't work out with their son, but I have never forgotten their kindness. I understand your reservations. But I hope you can help her. You could really help turn her life around.