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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Say 'no' to giving DD's friend a home for a year?

104 replies

Madmog · 10/10/2018 16:58

DD has a lovely 17 year old friend. A while ago we found out that while growing up she's been abused by her parents, her earliest memory being at three years. Not constantly, but verbal and physical abuse. She picked up the courage to tell the school a few months ago (although she'd confided in DD before that without us knowing). Myself, another parent and school reported parents to Social Services and they've been involved, as well as regular support at school. She's still at home as wants to go to uni so basically needs a roof over her head while she does her A levels. The relationship has totally broken down, they don't speak, she doesn't ask anything of them, lifts, cooking, food etc.

Social Services have now told her they can't really do much else as she's free to leave home at her age and asked her if she can come up with any other options. She's told DD there are two families she would consider, one of which is us.

Pretty sure DH will be a no, but that's half how I half feel. DD has a bursary at a school away from home, so it would be just us and friend most of the time. Her friend would have DD's room and one sleep on the floor when DD comes home for hols (that part isn't an issue). I suppose we're at that age where our child is independent and we can just think of ourselves, go out when we want, put pjs on at 7pm etc etc. DD's friend is willing to cook, do her own washing, but I don't want to be working around someone else in the kitchen, queue for the shower etc. Also, feeling I need to keep the house clean more clean and tidy. We could afford to feed another, but then would have to cut back on treats.

At the same time, I half feel I'm letting her down. I've always made it clear friend can contact us if she needs to, and she's done this once late on a Saturday and come to us. This offer will continue. Another consideration is letting her just live here while doing her A levels, approx a month, so she can have a clear head without pressures from home (which there will be as she's already a failure in their books). That's not so bad, as it's only a month and DD wants to return between her exams sometimes.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
starfishsunrise · 10/10/2018 19:25

I would do it.
This could change her life in so many ways.
Poor, poor girl.
Please reconsider OP. It's a huge thing for you but time moves so quickly.
ThanksThanks

zippey · 10/10/2018 19:31

Don’t do it op. No good deed goes unpunished. It will be hella awkward and you’ll all end up hating one another.

She’s 17, old enough to find her own way in life.

Or give her the numbers of the people here who say they would do it.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 10/10/2018 19:36

You, and another parent reported the situation. So you were there at the start of this journey. It's only fitting that you help at this stage too. You describe her as a Lovely 17 year old . So it shouldn't be a burden. Discuss with your DH and hopefully you will both conclude to keep supporting this young lady, who with your help and support, can hopefully come through this bad start and still become a wonderful adult like you would hope your own daughter will become too. You are an example to both girls - this is your time to show them both how good people behave.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 10/10/2018 19:37

I would suggest you do it, but only if you can do it with genuinely good grace and no resentment.

MrsGrindah · 10/10/2018 19:40

I think you have to talk to DH first as if he’s against it then no amount of pleading from Mumsnet can change it

SpoonBlender · 10/10/2018 19:40

My mum took in a sister's friend in a very similar situation. Friend now says that probably saved her life and definitely allowed her to make something of herself rather than going down the pan into drugs and booze. It can definitely be worth it, is what I'm saying.

JeanPagett · 10/10/2018 19:44

But what if she doesn't get into uni? Could you bring yourself to throw out a girl you'd given headroom to for almost a year? I think this has the potential to be a bigger and longer term commitment than some posters are making it out to be.

Of course if you're getting on well and she's become one of the family that could be fine, but a really difficult situation if not. What if your DD falls out with her, or begins to resent her friend? Would you be prepared to deal with that?

INeedNewShoes · 10/10/2018 19:46

I would want to know what she plans to do during the very long uni holidays (some halls of residence close in the holidays).

If it was definitely a fixed term arrangement of now until uni next September I would have to seriously consider it. Yes it will definitely be a slight imposition to you at best (and at worst she may need more support than anticipated) but this few months could make such a difference to her.

fifithefoof · 10/10/2018 19:49

I'd do it op. I was kicked out of home at 16 and it would have really changed my life to have had a family take me in.

greendale17 · 10/10/2018 19:51

But what if she doesn't get into uni? Could you bring yourself to throw out a girl you'd given headroom to for almost a year? I think this has the potential to be a bigger and longer term commitment than some posters are making it out to be.

^This completely.

Also you mentioned you could afford to feed her but would have to cut out treats. Does she have a job or money from elsewhere? If not, who is going to fund her?

WerewolfNumber1 · 10/10/2018 19:54

I’d do it.

My brother’s friend lived with us for a bit less than a year at that age.

He’s now 44 and told me recently that without my parents he wouldn’t have got a-levels, a degree, met the woman he married, got a decent job etc. He and his wife now foster because they want to “pay it forward”.

Obviously it was an inconvenience in our family life in some ways but ultimately those were pretty small considerations compared to the massive impact it had on his life.

He is still close to all of us, and I consider him like a sibling really. It’s a lovely thing to do if you can.

twattymctwatterson · 10/10/2018 21:19

I couldn't leave a child homeless or in an abusive situation essentially for the sake of my own social life. I also think if you say no and this girl's life goes downhill you risk alienating your DD. I would have been very angry with my DM in those circumstances

HandlebarTash81 · 10/10/2018 21:24

With all due respect, who’s funding university for her next year if her current parents currently provide very little?

Petitepamplemousse · 10/10/2018 21:34

OP, please give this girl a chance. Think of the good you could do. Just think of it.

Petitepamplemousse · 10/10/2018 21:36

@zippey, don't judge everyone by your own low standards. My own parents did it for my friend for 2 years aged 16. It's more common than you think.

TeaAndNoSympathy · 10/10/2018 21:36

It’s a massive ask. I would ask what social services are planning to do to support you if you agree. Will you be expected buy her everything she needs? Will SS make any financial contribution? What will they offer in terms of emotional support?

How will she fund uni? Parents are normally expected to make some contribution. Will hers? And what if she doesn’t get in? What would happen then? I think you need to consider the worst case scenarios before you dive in. Her parents sound dreadful. would they cause any trouble for you? What if they turned up at your house? Etc etc.

HermioneWeasley · 10/10/2018 21:41

A wonderful woman did this for a friend of mine (who I met as an adult). She’s a hugely successful career woman now. Her brother has been in and out of prison and has had multiple kids with multiple women. It utterly changed her life

Having seen the difference it made for her, I’d do it. And I hate kids

Thatstheendofmytether · 10/10/2018 21:43

I let her stay. Would hate to think of a child suffering and knowing I could do something about it. I know she's not technically a child at 17 but still.

MintyT · 10/10/2018 21:44

I did it, l have spoke about it on here before, deep breath and do it

sar302 · 10/10/2018 21:52

Do it or not, only you can decided, but there will be no help from social care. Being 17, the children's team will be attempting to put off doing anything until the adult team have her. And the adult team won't be willing to touch her until she's 18 - if they are interested at all.
If you do pick her up, then there will be even less impetus for them to do anything, as she will be safe. You will be on your own. It is unlikely that she will be high up on the housing list either, so no going into a council house etc at 18.

Such a difficult decision x

shiningstar2 · 10/10/2018 22:04

A very difficult situation and I hear all those saying you could turn this girl's life around. However I'm not sure I could do it in the circumstances described here.
There doesn't seem to be a spare room available for this girl and I think a year is a long time for the op's dd to come home from boarding school and share her bedroom especially in the holidays with one or the other sleeping on the floor. How long before tensions occur? If the girls fall out ...what then? Do you ask the visiting girl to leave? It is the op's A level year as well and this could back fire badly.

Then the op's husband doesn't approve of the arrangement. It's his home too and this could impact on the op's relationship if she goes ahead without him being properly on board.

Helping and sympathising as the op has is very different from having the girl 24/7 for a year. The cost of keeping her fed and a roof over her head is the least of it. Teenagers need clothes, entertainment money, school essentials. Can you afford all of this op ...or do you know how this will all be funded? Possibly through social security but I'm not sure.le

What about the ground rules you have in place for your own daughter? Will this girl accept the same rules...times for coming in on holidays/weekends ext ...or could this be a source of tension between you, the girl and your daughter? We helped out temporarily with a girl in similar situation when our daughter was doing A levels but don't think we could have kept it going for a year. The girl is still grateful but it definitely impacted on our own daughter's A level results. Too much time spent discussing the other girl's issues. Also we relaxed our own rules to accommodate the other girl's needs which resulted in too much weekend socializing/hanging out and not enough work being done lol.
An awful predicament for your whole family to be in and you will want to help but the girl will have lots of issues because of her situation and you can't tell how this will impact on your own daughter in a very important year for her.
If the girl can be boarded out through social services or another way I would offer a weekend bolt hole for her, friendship, a listening ear, some treats and maybe some financial help ...but not sure about a year's commitment. Sorry for the long screed but I think there are so many issues with this. Good luck op.

billybagpuss · 10/10/2018 22:47

With the uni funding you can 'self fund' if you have been estranged from your family for 3 years or sooner if there is documentary evidence. So she will may be able to apply for the full loan with the help of the social services intervention.

Yes as pp have said she may not get into uni so it could be a longer commitment than originally thought but I would imagine in this scenario she would be anxious to get employment or apprenticeship and start to plan her independence by moving out albeit maybe a little longer than originally planned.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP

FruitCider · 11/10/2018 08:15

I ended up in a hostel when I was 17. It's taken me 17 years (so half of my life) to repair the damage that caused. And even now I don't think I am fixed, and don't think I ever really will be. I:

  • didn't finish my education
  • was groomed by older men
  • was manipulated into taking crack cocaine
  • was raped in my hostel room several times
  • got into loads of debt
  • developed PTSD
  • attempted suicide
  • experienced really severe domestic violence

All because I had to leave home before I was ready.

I'd take her in a flash...

BehemothPullsThePeasantsPlough · 11/10/2018 08:24

She’ll be able to get a full non-contributory student loan and probably hardship grants. It’ll take paperwork and it won’t be an easy life, but the system is set up to provide it if you’ve got the sort of evidence she’ll have from SS.

MisstoMrs · 11/10/2018 08:25

Oh goodness OP this is so hard. There are some heartwarming and terrifying stories on here.

Honestly, for me, it wouldn’t be the kitchen rota (although I appreciate small details can become huge if they’re annoying you) it would be the emotional input I would want to give. If you have the reserves to support this girl then absolutely do it. If, though, you think you would end up resenting her and treat her accordingly, then I would think twice. You might do more harm than good. Being rejected by your parents must be awful, but then being rejected by your second choice, so to speak, could be even more damaging.