Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

And DS has done it again...

86 replies

Appleandbanana123 · 02/10/2018 07:40

I posted not long ago about DS' first day at uni, and how he seems to be on a mission to show nothing but disregard for those who love him.

Although I genuinely believed that I was 'leaving him to it', I took comments on board and have not been in touch.

However, my best friend (his godmother) is getting married this weekend. We've known about it for a while, flights booked etc. I sent DS a message to ask what his plans are for meeting up for our flight on Friday (the airport is somewhat in between DS' location up north and where we live). He's replied to say that he won't be able to make it as he's got some training for his new part-time job, and that he'd rather not have to spend time with DH and I. I disregarded the last comment, even though it stung like hell, but I can't believe he's actually going to let his godmother down too.

I understand that of course he needs the work / money (if the story is true!), but it's just over 24 hours of his time as he's supposed to fly back straight after the wedding on Saturday evening.

Once again, I am going through a million different emotions here, the main one being that I genuinely wanted to believe that I had raised DS to be a caring and considerate human being. His actions show the exact opposite. He is totally dismissive of other people's priorities and feelings, especially the people who have always been there for him. He mentioned something about 'making it up to her' - how? Shall we organise a re-run of the wedding for when it suits him? This is somebody who has played an active presence in his life throughout, who has taking him on skiing trips and flown over for his big events, whilst his dad has never bothered taking him on holidays or ever attended a parents' evening.

I don't get it... so 18 years of giving my 100%, nothing but my very best and total dedication, and all I have to show for it right now is a rollercoaster of hurt feelings and disappointment. It looks like we've all been dismissed as irrelevant.

OP posts:
PillowOfSociety · 02/10/2018 08:35

Oh dear.

I don’t know what to say. Is there a back story to his saying he doesn’t want to spend time with you?

Are you giving him any financial support or is the thing about his job a passive aggressive thing about money?

I do think 18 and Uni is a time not to be making arrangements on behalf of our kids, but if he agreed to go when you booked it....

Also he should have contacted you to say he had a problem wrt the training.

If he means it, he will make it up to his godmother, but that is up to him. If you start asking ‘how?’ you are controlling that.

Sarahjconnor · 02/10/2018 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheesefield · 02/10/2018 09:03

Tbh I don't think it's particularly unusual that a teenager who has just started uni doesn't want to go to a godparents wedding. Were they close? How often did they see each other? Did he specifically ask to come, or did you just assume he would?

Leave him to get on with his uni days for now. I really don't think this is uncommon behaviour for his age and position in life. He wants to be with his mates at uni. He probably doesn't want to fly over to mum's friend's wedding only to have to come back the next day.

JasperCopeland · 02/10/2018 09:16

I'd de escalate this one. Text back 'yep that's fine, shame you can't make it but well done on getting the job sorted out. Let me know how it goes and I'll send you photos'

Branleuse · 02/10/2018 09:21

play it down. An 18 year old is not likely to care much about a family wedding and if he has to work he has to work. Id do what Jasper said

Doilooklikeatourist · 02/10/2018 09:25

Exactly as @sarahjconnor said
Love the bit about Christmas!

MissMarplesKnitting · 02/10/2018 09:27

Arrange Christmas without him included in plans.

He can't have his cake and eat it. At eighteen he's more than old enough to understand all the treats and niceties of life come with a responsibility.

In this case he's responsible for his own entitled attitude towards others, and his lack of empathy.

His values are out of whack, and he's behaving poorly. So let him sleep in the bed he's made and see if he learns from it.

LibraryLurker · 02/10/2018 09:30

He is 18. He is an adult. If the godmother means a lot to him, leave it to him to explain his absence and make it up to her. It may only be a part time job but his employer is not going to move a training day just to suit one person and why should they? Let him be.

Talith · 02/10/2018 09:32

He's living away, working and studying at university - I'd be delighted if my 18 year old ticked off those boxes! Dismissing your parents as irrelevant in some ways is the sign of a flourishing independent adult (and successful parenting) . Yes he's being an inconsiderate self centred git at times but kids can be (and so can adults). Sometimes we have to be selfish to look after ourselves in the world.

Others have suggested some good strategies - e.g. if you're financially supporting him or he's likely to want to come for Xmas, point out that consideration goes both ways. If he's truly independent and not bothered he's entitled to do as he chooses really.

Lweji · 02/10/2018 09:33

I think it's great he's getting a job. However, I'd call him on not having warned you in advance.

I'd also call him on "not wanting to spend time with you". That's kind of normal on a regular basis, but he shouldn't say it and it shouldn't apply to bigger occasions.

I might mention not wanting to spend money on him either, and advise him to invest in that job.

titchy · 02/10/2018 09:34

You didn't really take anything on board from the last thread did you? You still have expectations that are a billion miles from his reality. His role is not to make you feel good. He's independent, has lived elsewhere for the last year. You're wanting to be involved in the minutiae of his life. It sounds suffocating.

Did he say he was going to the wedding, or did you assume?

Ignoramusgiganticus · 02/10/2018 09:36

It's a bit soon to be leaving all the fun at uni. He's just settling in. Teenagers are inherently selfish. I know I was, and I didn't really appreciate my parents properly until I was mid 20's. Having said that I would never have said what he did at the end of the message. What is the back story here?

I'd play it down too and wish him good luck with the new job. The more you push him, the further he will withdraw.
Let him contact you from now on and be politely interested but not overly invested. Give him a chance to miss you rather than resent you.

llangennith · 02/10/2018 09:50

When teenagers start uni they suddenly have a lot of freedom but also responsibility thrust upon them. It goes to their heads. By the second year they come back down to earth.
His end of text comment was rude but try not to take it to heart.

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 02/10/2018 10:20

titchy I don't understand the unpleasant tone of your post. Should I have just sat at the airport on Friday evening, waiting to see if DS was going to turn up in order not to suffocate him?? How on earth am I suffocating someone whom I haven't spoken to in almost three weeks?

I checked with DS before booking flights etc, it didn't assume or impose the trip upon him. Flights were booked on 15 July, after consultation Wink. His godmother has always been very much present in his life, and it does mean a lot to her that he is present - surely, I wouldn't have forked out £££ in flight and accommodation if it wasn't a big deal for him to attend.

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 02/10/2018 10:31

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I've got a son who has just started uni too so I know it's a hard time. I'd like to very gently suggest you step away and leave him to it for now. He's at a stage where he's trying to be independent. He'll always need you, but he'll come to you when he wants you. Trying to get him to join in with family stuff that's he's not that fussed about is likely to end in disappointment.

It's not easy though and I need to keep repeating this advice to myself on a regular basis! Thanks

titchy · 02/10/2018 10:35

Oh I agree he should have let you know. and that his text was rude.

I was commenting on the emotion you show in your posts (I read your other one.) They scream neediness, a desire for him to be grateful, a need for you to be involved when he clearly doesn't want you to be, then you get pissed off when he doesn't want the things you've bought. And that is incredibly off putting in a parent.

Re-read your last paragraph. He's your child. Not an investment you expect a return from.

Not getting in touch is the right thing to do, but you need to change your mindset otherwise when you do communicate all that will come across is your bitterness that he isn't acting as gratefully as you think he should. Play the long game. Otherwise you'll screw up your relationship with him for ever.

hedgehogboots · 02/10/2018 10:42

Be careful OP as when I got to that age and started having my own commitments (full time uni, work and my own home) I was disowned by my family for not attending events. Was even worse when I had my DD and they expected me to be able to travel hours to attend some distant cousin’s birthdayConfused I’ve not received even a card off anyone bar my DM and DF since I was 16. I have no respect for any of them tbh and definitely won’t be treating my family that way. Don’t push your son away from your family by forcing him to attend events. Try and reach a middle ground maybe with his student loan (if he’s got one) he can get her a nice card and a present of some sort as a gesture for not being able to attendSmile

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 02/10/2018 10:45

The wedding itself is a very intimate set up, only for close friends & family - about 15 guests, plus the bride & groom. This isn't about me, but it pains me to know that his godmother has always been there for him and will be sad not to have DS there on her big day.

OP posts:
KateGrey · 02/10/2018 10:52

But that’s down to your DS. He’s an adult now although in many respects you probably feel he’s still a child. I get what you mean I do but you need to leave him be now and let him deal with the consequences of his choices.

BluthsFrozenBananas · 02/10/2018 10:54

I’ll be honest, I was very much like your son at his age. When I left home I distanced myself from my family a bit, not because I didn’t love them, but because they’d been somewhat smothering and I needed the space.

He’s not committing a deliberate act of unkindness, he’s not trying to hurt you, he just doesn’t want to go to this wedding. Okay, the way he told you was off, but I’d cut him some slack. Then I’d go and read some threads from people who are really struggling with the behaviour of their teens and young adults and count my blessings that he’s at university, he’s settled in, he has a job and the worst thing he’s done is display a bit of typical teenage selfishness.

titchy · 02/10/2018 10:55

Of course it's about you - every sentence in your posts are about you and how he's made you feel.

Blackoutblinds · 02/10/2018 10:57

He’s an arse. But he’s 18. They often are at that age.

“Ok. Please Let your GM know you’re not coming. See you soon. Love you.”

And leave it at that.

LIZS · 02/10/2018 10:57

Stay neutral, don't take the bait. Reply what a shame you can no longer make it. Could he let his gm know as she will need to know final numbers and will be disappointed that he can't go.

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 02/10/2018 11:00

I don't think that asking your child if they need anything for uni, and then buying them things that they don't want and forcing them to be grateful, is it? So he asked for new bedding, I bought two sets of new bedding. End of. But I am needy and suffocating. Should I not have asked if he needed anything in order to be less suffocating? Or asked and then ignored it.

I am asking for the people that love him to be treated with the respect and consideration that they deserve. His arrangements for the wedding were booked months ago, after he confirmed that he was happy to go, and I doubt he was even going to let us know that he's no longer going if I hadn't asked!

DS' family in the UK is limited to myself, DH and his dad & his new family (wife and two children). Grandparents etc are all abroad, as is his godmother, just that she is always been there for the big milestones in his life.

He will be fine comes Christmas as I am assuming that he can go to his dad's. I am going to go through the advice here again as lots of great suggestions - thank you! In the meantime, I'll go back to minding my own business Wink

OP posts:
owabno · 02/10/2018 11:04

You are wrong to be annoyed at him for having to do training for a new job. How bizarre. Most parents would be utterly supportive of that, particularly as he is at university.

As for his attitude towards you, I can't help but wonder why.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.