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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

And DS has done it again...

86 replies

Appleandbanana123 · 02/10/2018 07:40

I posted not long ago about DS' first day at uni, and how he seems to be on a mission to show nothing but disregard for those who love him.

Although I genuinely believed that I was 'leaving him to it', I took comments on board and have not been in touch.

However, my best friend (his godmother) is getting married this weekend. We've known about it for a while, flights booked etc. I sent DS a message to ask what his plans are for meeting up for our flight on Friday (the airport is somewhat in between DS' location up north and where we live). He's replied to say that he won't be able to make it as he's got some training for his new part-time job, and that he'd rather not have to spend time with DH and I. I disregarded the last comment, even though it stung like hell, but I can't believe he's actually going to let his godmother down too.

I understand that of course he needs the work / money (if the story is true!), but it's just over 24 hours of his time as he's supposed to fly back straight after the wedding on Saturday evening.

Once again, I am going through a million different emotions here, the main one being that I genuinely wanted to believe that I had raised DS to be a caring and considerate human being. His actions show the exact opposite. He is totally dismissive of other people's priorities and feelings, especially the people who have always been there for him. He mentioned something about 'making it up to her' - how? Shall we organise a re-run of the wedding for when it suits him? This is somebody who has played an active presence in his life throughout, who has taking him on skiing trips and flown over for his big events, whilst his dad has never bothered taking him on holidays or ever attended a parents' evening.

I don't get it... so 18 years of giving my 100%, nothing but my very best and total dedication, and all I have to show for it right now is a rollercoaster of hurt feelings and disappointment. It looks like we've all been dismissed as irrelevant.

OP posts:
PostNotInHaste · 02/10/2018 11:11

His attitude is shitty but can I gently say I don’t think it was wise that flights were booked for him at this stage of him just starting University.

My DD has also just started and it’s my Aunt’s Diamond Wedding abroad this weekend. She would have like to have gone and my Aunt would love to have seen her but I said it’s too soon and I think she is actually pleased she isn’t going as she’s just started part time work too and it would b3 too much to go just now.

JustDanceAddict · 02/10/2018 11:12

Trouble is, when he agreed in July that he was going to the wedding he didn’t know he was going to have to attend training for a job this weekend. I’m sure if he wasn’t working he would’ve come.
I think it was naive of both of you to think he’d be up for coming so close to start of uni with everything that entails, but as he’s said he’s not coming at a cost to you, financially, he has to pay the money for the flight & accommodation. Will your friend lose out financially in terms of a space at the reception?

Tentomidnight · 02/10/2018 11:20

Something DH and I did in counselling is talking as though we were the other person. It helped us to gain empathy for each other and a better perspective on or relationship.

Why don’t you give it a go. Describe the situation from your DS’ point of view..

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 02/10/2018 11:31

We didn't know that DS was going to uni when we booked flights. Totally agree that I am not placing enough importance on the fact that DS is ensuring that he's financially independent and self-sufficient, and not giving enough credit for it in my interactions with him (and / or my overall take on the situation). I am finding it really difficult to see past the inconsiderate / selfish element, and that's a big point for me to work on.

Yes titchy smothering, obsessed (and self-obsessed too), unrealistic etc. I am sure you are doing a sterling job, have never doubted your actions and have never put a foot wrong. Well done Wine

OP posts:
owabno · 02/10/2018 11:40

You didn't know in July that he was going to university in September?

Branleuse · 02/10/2018 12:08

youre speaking about him as if hes 14, not 18 and moved out. I think you need to back off. I dont think his godmother will be as bohthered as you think, because most people are more realistic and understanding of work and uni commitments. I do think he should send an apology though

Kittykat93 · 02/10/2018 12:27

I definitely think take a step back and let him come to you when he wants to.

Unless there's a huge backstory, his text about not wanting to spend time with you was incredibly rude. I wouldn't have dreamed of talking to my parents like that and I hope my son never does either. It's a total lack of respect and I hate it when people excuse it just because he's 18. He's an adult not a child and knows how to speak to people.

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2018 12:37

I understand, OP. But there’s not much you can do right now.

A thought: if his dad has never ‘shown up’ he's not had much of a male role model. And you and his godmother have always ‘shown up’ but he’s not old enough to appreciate that yet - he takes it for granted. Hopefully he won’t stag an entitled selfish man as he gets older.
Perhaps when you’re feeling more distanced from the hurt you can have a compassionate but clear conversation about it feels - but leave it a few months.

Sorry, OP. Flowers

Annalogy · 02/10/2018 13:02

I still don't think that this is all an excuse enough to be rude to his parents like that. That's just disrespectful surely?

I can completely understand not wanting to go and respect him for working, but come on now.

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 02/10/2018 13:03

The uni placement was a last minute surprise and it's on the condition that he does a foundation year. He coasted through 6th form... now 4 years of uni ahead, instead of 3. He got the offer on 22 August (I've just taken a look at the dates).

So I've followed advice and have wished him good luck with the training and well done with the job. I also asked him to make sure he lets his godmother know himself.

Now, I will just go back to leaving him to get on with his life (and will avoid any arrangements for the foreseeable future).

Thank you listing and for so much positive advice! The whole situation with DS has been a huge learning curve for me...

OP posts:
DeltaZulu89 · 02/10/2018 13:18

I think he’s being really rude. He knew about the wedding and when you take a new job they ask if you have any holidays booked etc. He never should have said he didn’t want to spend time with you and your DH. That strikes me as nasty and spiteful, done on purpose to make you say “fine, don’t come then” so he can say you told him not to come. I don’t understand why starting uni is such a ‘get out of jail free’ card. His new friends don’t suddenly take precedence over previous family commitments. Tell him he’s being really rude and he can explain to his god mother why he isn’t there. 18 is definitely old enough to reap what he sows.

JasperCopeland · 02/10/2018 14:26

You've done well on backing off and playing this one cool. Bright and happy text messages every few days will be the way to go. Let him know you are proud of him and happy in your own life.

Northernparent68 · 02/10/2018 18:26

I’m wondering if he’s angry his father does n’t want to spend time with him and is projecting that onto your husband, you and his godmother.

I agree with the poster who suggested de escalating this, please do not resort to passive aggressive tatics, or clever retorts.

RitaFairclough · 02/10/2018 18:38

I also think he’s being really rude. You can’t accept a wedding invitation and then say you can’t make it. He should have told his job he had a commitment this weekend.

He sounds horrible and I think you have had a hard time on here, OP. I would be furious if one of my children was so rude and actually, i’m In my 40s and my own mum would be furious if I behaved like that.

Are you supporting him through uni? He might want to remember that.

Userplusnumbers · 02/10/2018 18:50

Yes @Rita, I imagine minimum wage jobs in university towns struggle to fill positions, so are really happy to hold them for people that can't make the scheduled training.

Your DS was a bit abrupt, but he's probably feeling a bit stressed with all the change himself. Rather than insisting the on an apology for how he spoke to you, I'd let him know you're happy about the job, but he does need to call his Godmother himself to let her know he's not coming.

YeTalkShiteHen · 02/10/2018 18:54

Are people seriously suggesting that because he was rude, once, after going to uni and there’s apparently a back story of him wanting space, he should be unable to return home for Christmas?

Jesus.

MrsGrindah · 02/10/2018 18:55

Plus I doubt it will ruin her day. She may be disappointed yes esp if he doesn’t tell her himself , but there’s far more important things going on that day

purplecorkheart · 02/10/2018 19:00

His text was rude but I bet he forgot about the wedding. To be fair depending where he is, student jobs can be hard to get and a lot of places would frown on him rearranging training even for their Godmother's wedding. Just text him back and say No problem, just give xxx and xxx a text to let them know. Good luck with training.

YeTalkShiteHen · 02/10/2018 19:04

I’ve read your other thread OP.

In the kindest possible way, you are going to push him further and further away if you don’t back off a wee bit.

I get it, I get that it’s hard for you and that you’ve spent many years being his sole parental influence. I understand why you’re hurt, but the way you’re phrasing it is really combative (maybe it feels that way to him too?) and very pushy.

Let him be, he’ll come back to you one day.

Dermymc · 02/10/2018 19:12

Somewhere along the line you and DH have messed up your relationship with your ds. According to your other thread he hasn't lived at home for over a year and didn't want to tell you about his move to university. This speaks volumes, he wants to escape from you and your dh.

Leave him be.

You're obviously not going to share the full back story but you sound suffocating. The pp who said you sound like an investor waiting for her investment to come good are so right. He is your son who for some reason doesn't want to have anything to do with you. I suggest you reflect long and hard on your actions over the past 10 years and work out what might have caused him to feel like this.

CalonGlas · 02/10/2018 19:18

I feel sorry for the godmother, caught in the middle of this.

I know 18 year old boys don't understand the stresses of organising a wedding but if I'd whittled my invitation list down to just 15 people and one of them binned it off for a training day so late I couldn't invite another friend, because they were having some kind of family argument with their mum, then I'd have to take several deep breaths.

On the other hand, it might be preferable to having two people glowering at each other in my wedding photos.

He has to tell her himself.

A580Hojas · 02/10/2018 19:24

Reply to his message

"When you grow up a bit you will cringe at this awful twattish behaviour. I don't much want to spend time with you either at the moment so the feeling is absolutely mutual. I really could have found better uses for the £XX I spent on your flight and hotel. I hope the job is worth it."

YeTalkShiteHen · 02/10/2018 19:28

A580Hojas aye that’s a great message! If OP never wants to see her son again. Confused

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 02/10/2018 19:32

Dermymic

Because DS didn't get the results that needed to go to uni straight after 6th form, he chose to take on an apprenticeship position and house share with two school friends who were also on a similar situation. Seeing that he wasn't going to uni like most of his friends, I suppose he felt that he wanted to be moving forward with his life in some way. That's why he wasn't living at home before uni.

And he did tell me straightaway about the uni offer. He was delighted, and were we for him. However, just like now, I had to find out what his plans were for his actual move day to uni as both DH and I had a really busy week ahead. What some posters have unkindly described as smothering - and twisted the whole story about me buying two sets of bedding which DS had asked for - was actually me getting annoyed that DS wasn't coming forward with really basic info about the day and what he needed us to take up / bring back.

A bit of courtesy and consideration was all I was excepting, just as he possibly wasn't even going to let me know about wedding. We fly out in two days' time - if he couldn't change it, am I really that crazy to expect him to let me / his godmother know? She's written to me this afternoon, still talking as though he's going. I was waiting for him to contact her, instead of it coming from me. Well, it doesn't look like that's going to happen.

But it's not my job as a parent to tell him that he is being rude or inconsiderate as that makes me obsessed and smothering.

OP posts:
EggysMom · 02/10/2018 19:41

Yes, you'll have to let GM know seeing as she has asked you. You can explain that whilst you applaud his commitment to finding/holding a job, you're disappointed that he hasn't contacted her himself. Leave it at that with no more emotion.

Then leave him to himself. Don't ask him if he wants anything. Don't offer anything. Don't ask him what his plans are. Make yourself unavailable to him, and enjoy the freedom you will gain.

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