And DS has done it again...

[Appleandbanana123]

I posted not long ago about DS' first day at uni, and how he seems to be on a mission to show nothing but disregard for those who love him.

Although I genuinely believed that I was 'leaving him to it', I took comments on board and have not been in touch.

However, my best friend (his godmother) is getting married this weekend. We've known about it for a while, flights booked etc. I sent DS a message to ask what his plans are for meeting up for our flight on Friday (the airport is somewhat in between DS' location up north and where we live). He's replied to say that he won't be able to make it as he's got some training for his new part-time job, and that he'd rather not have to spend time with DH and I. I disregarded the last comment, even though it stung like hell, but I can't believe he's actually going to let his godmother down too.

I understand that of course he needs the work / money (if the story is true!), but it's just over 24 hours of his time as he's supposed to fly back straight after the wedding on Saturday evening.

Once again, I am going through a million different emotions here, the main one being that I genuinely wanted to believe that I had raised DS to be a caring and considerate human being. His actions show the exact opposite. He is totally dismissive of other people's priorities and feelings, especially the people who have always been there for him. He mentioned something about 'making it up to her' - how? Shall we organise a re-run of the wedding for when it suits him? This is somebody who has played an active presence in his life throughout, who has taking him on skiing trips and flown over for his big events, whilst his dad has never bothered taking him on holidays or ever attended a parents' evening.

I don't get it... so 18 years of giving my 100%, nothing but my very best and total dedication, and all I have to show for it right now is a rollercoaster of hurt feelings and disappointment. It looks like we've all been dismissed as irrelevant.

Do you ever contact him just to chat or tell his something funny? Just little things that make a relationship, nothing about arrangements or plans.

I think some people have been very unkind with their comments. Good luck op

In future OP, let him book and pay for his own travel and accomodation, even if he's supposedly going away with you. He sounds like an arse right now tbh- hopefully he'll grow out of it.

Sorry OP, sound like he is maturing late and you are feeling the brunt of it. Maybe you were too suffocating prior to him going to uni and he is now rebelling? Or maybe he his feeling the stress of uni and fears failure and is keeping you are arms length. Either way there isn't much you can do other than keep in touch, support him when needed and wait for him to grow up and hopefully come back to you.

For the wedding, I wouldn't assume he has as close a relationship to her as you imply unless he has developed a grown up relationship with her, not just trips as a child. Going by his current behaviour you might need to apologise on his behalf, just so your friend knows in advance.

I think you're in the right OP. My brother behaved rudely throughout his 20s (like an overgrown teenager) - being rude to our grandparents for example - and it annoyed me that my parents never called him out on it.

BIL is similar in the sense that he acts as though his arrangements trump everyone else's and has that casual attitude to other people - the in-laws again seem to tolerate this.

I sympathise. He is treating you badly. Teens are very self centred and can be inconsiderate; however there seems more than that to his attitude.

You don't have to accept the rudeness but there's not much point calling him out over it unless he wants something from you.

He's got used to his freedom after a year not living at home. Hard as it is, I think you are going to have to accept this. Try to behave in an adult way and make no demands. Let him come to you in his own time. I'd suggest sending little updates about your life and avoid questions about his -if he wants to tell you, he will. If he doesn't, he'll see you as interfering.

When others are unreasonable I always tell myself to stick to my principle which is to treat them as I would like to be treated myself. So be friendly and supportive but otherwise let him get on with it. You have to really anyway, as he's old enough to do as he likes.

As for GM. If she's your best friend, can you not confide in her and just apologise for his attitude. It would be nice if he contacted her but you can't force him to.

My middle son will be of to uni next...I'm sure op I will do the same as you and buy him bedding ,and ask what he needs ,and I'm sure my son will also take it for granted..you sound like a very caring mum...and your son sounds like I'm sure mine would be in the same circumstances,anything to get out of enforced family time...your son has got him self settled and a part time job...that's brilliant.im hoping mine will be as resourceful x

I don't think his behaviour is unusual at 18 and just started university. It's annoying spending the money and now rescinding the invite but go with it and keep it light. Guilt tripping him would just make him resentful. Give him the godmothers address so he can send his apologies, a card or present.

But be the better person. Don't uninvite him for Christmas. That's not nice. Always have your door open to him - home should be the ultimate bolt hole - you never know when he might need to come back for a rest or break after a break up with a girlfriend etc. Be generous and kind and he'll be back.

The times when I have 'come down on his like a ton of bricks' are when, in my humble opinion, he has treated others as an afterthought.

Yesterday, even after I politely (and calmly) explained that he needed to tell his godmother himself, he still didn't. In his own words, he was busy with lectures and swimming practice all day. This is simply not acceptable. Firstly, I shouldn't have had to ask him to contact her. Secondly, there was no 'sorry', no sense of urgency or of giving anyone else but himself some priority. By then, it was already gone 8pm, and at no point did he bother to say "I will put a card to them in the post tomorrow" or "I will call her now". Even if he absolutely hates my guts, his godmother has done nothing to deserve this level of disregard - we are talking about 5 minutes to make a phone call

You sound exhausting. Sorry to be blunt.
Your posts scream control, control, control, control, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety...

I agree 100% with everything YeTalkShiteHelen has said here.

You did not have to chase up his arrangements. You could have left him to thumb a lift to university, or take a bus, buy bedding, or a sleeping bag, or not... whatever...

Cut your losses.
Let. Him. Go.

It is up to him to let his godmother know that he won't be at the wedding. Stop fretting about it., Either he does what he now knows he should or he dies not. It is out of your hands.

It is up to his godmother to be pissed off at him or otherwise for being a no-show or a no-show plus no-notification.

Let the chips fall where they may.
Stop trying to intervene in and control his relationship with his godmother.

She is a grown up. She will handle it.

Leaving home doesn't entitle anyone to be a rwat. I literally cannot imagine the level of shit I would have been in if I had allowed my parents to book a flight I want going to take and to choose late not to go to a wedding I had previously said I would attend.

Yes, he's an adult and that means not randomly backing out of prior commitments.

Similarly if you want help moving from your parents, you have to respect their time and make the relevant arrangements.

Not much to be done though, I fear. I don't know if I would ask for the flight money but I would be extremely hyrt.

The flight was booked in July, well before the DS got the university offer.

As soon as he accepted the offer the OP should have assumed that he wouldn't have been able to get to the wedding. This is what happens when kids go off to university unless they are living at home and won't have to travel.

It is also very much to be expected that a DS who has supported himself for the last year will get a job. The idea that a part time student-friendly job will allow for the student to head off on one of the early weekends of work for a wedding is not reasonable. The world of casual/part time/not very skilled work does not operate like that.

He didn't randomly back out of a commitment. He didn't live at home for the last year. He may or may not have even seen the invitation. He most certainly did not RSVP on his own behalf.

And he did not expect help from his mother and step father to move in. She knew this explicitly, yet continued to try to horn in on arrangements he had made that included his father.