And DS has done it again...

[Appleandbanana123]

I posted not long ago about DS' first day at uni, and how he seems to be on a mission to show nothing but disregard for those who love him.

Although I genuinely believed that I was 'leaving him to it', I took comments on board and have not been in touch.

However, my best friend (his godmother) is getting married this weekend. We've known about it for a while, flights booked etc. I sent DS a message to ask what his plans are for meeting up for our flight on Friday (the airport is somewhat in between DS' location up north and where we live). He's replied to say that he won't be able to make it as he's got some training for his new part-time job, and that he'd rather not have to spend time with DH and I. I disregarded the last comment, even though it stung like hell, but I can't believe he's actually going to let his godmother down too.

I understand that of course he needs the work / money (if the story is true!), but it's just over 24 hours of his time as he's supposed to fly back straight after the wedding on Saturday evening.

Once again, I am going through a million different emotions here, the main one being that I genuinely wanted to believe that I had raised DS to be a caring and considerate human being. His actions show the exact opposite. He is totally dismissive of other people's priorities and feelings, especially the people who have always been there for him. He mentioned something about 'making it up to her' - how? Shall we organise a re-run of the wedding for when it suits him? This is somebody who has played an active presence in his life throughout, who has taking him on skiing trips and flown over for his big events, whilst his dad has never bothered taking him on holidays or ever attended a parents' evening.

I don't get it... so 18 years of giving my 100%, nothing but my very best and total dedication, and all I have to show for it right now is a rollercoaster of hurt feelings and disappointment. It looks like we've all been dismissed as irrelevant.

I really don't understand people telling me to back off?! The two occasions when I've had to approach him was because I had no choice - I had to find out what his plans were in order to organise our end of it. Twice in 12 months. Other than that, we probably met up a couple of times for lunch, and then for our three birthdays (he spent last Christmas at his dad's). That has been the extent of it. I never demanded detailed accounts of his daily routines, also because I have never doubted his ability to look after himself.

I maintain that I raised him to be a more considerate human being. And the rudeness is a new feature...

Oh no, I will! I have just been giving another few hours to see if he'd get his act together. But you see? This is exactly the type of situation that has prompted previous falling outs but then I am told here to back off, and not be so demanding / intense??

Yes, thank you and that's my plan.

I don't agree YeTalkShiteHen. Her son is an adult now, he needs to get real. He needs to stop thinking of his parents and Godmother as alien people. OP needs to stop tiptoeing around him or trying to control him. His behavious is shitty towards his Godmother, whatever his parents might have done.

No way would I be making light of this and saying "there there you do what you like" to any son or daughter of mine. And I do have kids in their late teens so I have an inkling.

Would it not be easier to speak to him rather than texting? I agree with OP, he is being very rude. I know a lot of kids that age are the same but it is still rude. He knows the wedding is important and has cost you ££ so he should at least be brave enough to discuss it with you in a more mature way, and definitely contact his Godmother himself too - although I suspect he won't..

I've not read all the thread.

My feelings are.

His text is rude and uncaring.

I'd let him know that it's good he's got a job and I understand that that training for it takes president.
But he needs to say he is sorry for unfortunately missing it and the money wasted to get to the wedding.
That even if he doesn't feel like spending time with you and his dad , it is hurtful and unkind to tell you that.

Crikey, I really don't mean this cruelly, but if you were my mum and emotionally blackmailing me like this, I'd be trying to get further and further away from you.

Back off a bit, get on with your own life, and let him make his own choices. Stay friendly and open but don't have the attitude of "so this is what I get for caring for you!"

Maybe you can then find some balance and friendship again.

Op you're getting a hard time here which is undeserving. Big hugs to you ! I'm with you . I actually thought that his text came across as rude , he could have put it in a much better context . He should have even been apologetic. At 18 he's old enough to understand that you've spent money on the trip and that this is money basically thrown away! I'd be mortified!

To those saying that you shouldn't expect a return I completely disagree! No one gets into any form of relationship be it with a partner , employer or friend and not expect a return of love, respect and time! I doubt anyone here would accept having a partner who doesn't in return fund them with the things that they've invested in.

Op- just be patient . He will come round , honestly . X

No one gets into any form of relationship be it with a partner , employer or friend and not expect a return of love, respect and time

This is a false equivalence - in all of those situations both people choose to enter into it. You bring a child into this world without their 'agreement' it's 100% your choice, they don't owe you.

They owe you respect...

No one owes anyone respect. Respect is earned, not acquired in the delivery suite. Is Rose West owed respect from her kids?

For me, it's the other way around.
Respect is due to everyone.
But it can be lost.

He's being thoughtless, but that's not unusual at this age.

Look at the positives, you have raised an independent man, who is studying full time and working part time. He's doing really well.

Now is time for you, to enjoy with your DH, and to spend as you wish without factoring in DS.

It is sad for your BF that he doesn't want to be at the wedding, but that's his choice. However I would insist that he let's her know directly that he won't be there.

I do wonder if he's felt a bit pressured with two families that he spends time with, double family time, IYSWIM. This could encroach on his social life which will be his priority!

As I said, many teens can be self centred at this stage, but in a sense they need to be, to find out who they are and who they want to be.

Give him his freedom. Don't automatically include him in things, but make it known that he can be involved if he wants to be.

Thank you for the notes of support and good advice!

Again, I don't understand people telling me that I am emotionally blackmailing my son, and that I shouldn't include him in arrangements but let him live his life.

The wedding was basically a one off. In 12 months, there were two occasions (other than our 3 birthdays - it's ok to involve him in those, isn't it?): his move to uni and the wedding. No prompts, no demands, no emotional blackmail for him to be present anywhere. So how is that me being demanding or automatically including him in things.

Also, of course the least he could do was to speak to his godmother himself and that was what I said to him. Until last night, he hadn't and considering that he is 2 hours away and his own person (as so many have pointed out here), I can hardly force him. So I have raised an independent adult, with good work ethics, but unfortunately also terribly inconsiderate.

As a somewhat decent parent, I do believe that one has the right to expect a few basics in return. I have given him no reason no to show me respect and consideration, and the same goes to his godmother. She has shown him nothing but love, and therefore deserves better than the way DS is handling this situation.

Is Rose West owed respect from her kids?

Clearly not but that’s a really, really extreme example giving the context of the thread.

I do think (and have said) that I think OP needs to back off and that she’s pushing her son away. But a comparison to Rose West is a bit much no?

YeTalkShiteHen but what do you mean by back off? Twice in 12 months I had no choice but to chase up his arrangements. It was two occasions. Other than that, he is left to live his own life. Two occasions that I got angry with him for not taking into account other people's time and their need to know what his arrangements were.

OP solely from what you’ve written, you seem overly invested in expecting things from him, that he has to conform to what you want and that’s exhausting.

Fair enough, I’ve only read a thread (two actually) on the internet, but I have to say if you speak to him with the tone and language you talk about him with, I see why he’s pissed off.

Again, I haven’t had a go, I haven’t called you names or insulted you, I’ve just said I feel you are too much in his face and don’t seem to have any respect for him or his wishes.

Even on the threads you’re only interested in people who agree with everything you’ve said, which is very telling.

He’s your son, you do what you see fit. But understand that he also has the right to make his own choices, and if your pressure (it’s not just the twice you talk about, there are other pressures you place on him that you’ve written about yourself!) continues he may well choose to withdraw completely.

If he does, think on this thread.

I wondering what planet people live on where a supposedly independent 18 yo who has agreed to go to an event, then basically forgets.

If it were my DS, he would be getting told there was no choice and he would either be paying/apologising for not going (paying godmother for the no doubt too late to cancel meal she has booked and me for the flights) or going.

He either is an adult and needs to man up and accept his responsibilities OR needs reminding/telling to go.

YeTalkShiteHen I am honestly not ignoring those comments! Considering how little contact I've had with DS since he started living with his school friends (only the odd message - once every two weeks, at the most - asking if he was doing ok and literally two lunches over 12 months), I genuinely don't see how I am too much on his case. The times when I have 'come down on his like a ton of bricks' are when, in my humble opinion, he has treated others as an afterthought.

Yesterday, even after I politely (and calmly) explained that he needed to tell his godmother himself, he still didn't. In his own words, he was busy with lectures and swimming practice all day. This is simply not acceptable. Firstly, I shouldn't have had to ask him to contact her. Secondly, there was no 'sorry', no sense of urgency or of giving anyone else but himself some priority. By then, it was already gone 8pm, and at no point did he bother to say "I will put a card to them in the post tomorrow" or "I will call her now". Even if he absolutely hates my guts, his godmother has done nothing to deserve this level of disregard - we are talking about 5 minutes to make a phone call (well, as per my initial post, ideally 24hrs of his time to attend the wedding).

I didn’t say you’d come down like a ton of bricks.

Your tone and the use of language around your son are emotive and demanding. I said IF you take that tone and use that language with him I can see his point.

Yes, he should have contacted his godmother, absolutely he should have. I’ve never said he shouldn’t.

You come across like you think he owes you something, and that is probably (again, internet speculation based purely on what you’ve written) what is pushing him away.

If you don’t see it like that, fair enough. But don’t expect him to see it your way, when you don’t seem to consider him.

Reading your updates it does sound as if you have backed off but I suspect that when he does talk to you he senses your disapproval, even if you don't say anything. I suspect you've got into a negative vicious cycle.
There is no excuse for him not contacting his GM and he does sound rude.

In the future going forth I'd suggest not arranging anything with him, having no expectations and letting him come to you. I'd try making sure conversations are jolly and not pressurising. Don't ask him about christmas or any future plans. Wait for him to mention them. Assume he's not coming if he doesn't mention it and perhaps buy a few freezable bits in case he does spring it on you.Have low expectations and then you won't be disappointed. Expect the worst and hope for the best. Make each interaction positive.

Poor you OP. He’s behaving really badly. Rude and disrespectful. One day he’ll be mortified. But don’t be the person to tell him that - let him get there on his own.

Pp have said the right thing - bright and breezy even if fuming inside (although I think the money wasted warrants more than bright and breezy but there you go).

He’s being an unpleasant idiot - but he is still a teenager. So you can but hope that the values you’ve instilled over the years are in there somewhere and will start to show themselves as he grows up.

Also I don’t think you’ve been suffocating at all. That’s silly - you’re just trying to get a long planned trip organised and he’s let you down. It may be that it is better for him to do the training - but that’s a matter for discussion between you all. He failed to do that - he’s a silly boy. But give him some years - maybe he’ll grow up one day.

I can understand that he can't go to the wedding now but a normal reaction would be "I'm really sorry, but I can't get out of the training. Will you say sorry for me?"

What was he like when he was at home, up to the time he left school?

It does sound as though he's becoming like his father. I think you now shouldn't expect him to visit or buy gifts at birthdays/Christmas. It's so horrible when children change like this, but you need to take care of yourself. I would be planning to go away at Christmas.

I had no choice but to chase up his arrangements

I get why you're saying this, but the choice you had/have was to leave him with the consequences of his actions. With the uni move, if he didn't let you know in time when he wanted to do it, the alternative was to say 'sorry, I'm booked in to work now and change it so you'll have to sort it out yourself'. The consequence for this latest event is that a) he will damage his relationship with his godmother - but that's on him, not you, and b) you won't book and pay for things in advance for him now, as you will expect him to be flaky and rude. So if he wants bedding, train tickets or whatever bought, he can do it himself from the budget you've already given him. Consequences. Step back and let them happen.

He's 18, if he doesn't want to go he doesn't want to go.

You've posted a number of threads on here being very negative about him over matters which aren't that significant to be honest. I got in a state with my mother when I was younger (around 19/20) where I sensed every single thing I did she would disapprove of and be negative about so I just gave up trying to please her. Perhaps this is how he feels?

If I were bailing out of a wedding with 48 hours' notice, I would expect to phone the bride and explain my absence.

That's what your DS should do at a minimum. If he's the big independent adult that do many MNers on this thread are insisting he is.

Not that he sounds like it to me.

Op I understand your hurt and disappointment. I'm so sorry he's behaving like this.