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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do you deal with soap dodger?

103 replies

NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 11:41

My eldest has become a soap dodger since the whole puberty thing happened. Just went in and said "you've got a party later you need to have a wash" "no" "your hair needs a wash and your armpits smell" "no" and a glare...

I don't want to create a complex but it's not good. I knos this is common! How did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 12:37

"You can’t pissibly know that as you have never followed through with consequences. "

I always follow through on consequences which is why I would never make a threat that I knew I couldn't stick to indefinitely. So ones like e.g. she will have to move out or I wont' allow her food are definitely out because I do not make idle threats.

Generally they are both extremely well behaved which is maybe why I'm struggling - they have never given me any cause to have to threaten them before as they have always pretty much done as they're told.

Anyway I went up again and said look it'll do you good to get out and go to the party, you can shut yourself in your room when you get back. I'll run you a bath you need a wash and get dressed you're going in 20 mins. Then I had a suspicion and said did you just get your period - she shrugged which means yes. Anyway. I she's going to have a bath and go to the party as that is what is best.

When I was young I never got kindness - just threats which ended in standoffs where I'd say fine and shut myself in my room for days and sulk essentially and think everyone hated me and not eat and so on. I really don't want to end up there.

I just heard her thumping towards the bathroom Smile

I have taken all of this on board, some things I would just never do, some yes are good advice and we will need this going forward. It's such a shock having a full on teen at such a young age and we've not really had anything that we've needed to threaten over before.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
AlexanderHamilton · 18/08/2018 12:40

ANother thing to look out for is if she is developing underarm hair.

I find (& so does dd) that our pits smell more if we haven’t shaved/used remover cream.

30hours · 18/08/2018 12:40

So she’s sitting festering in her own menstural by choice? Somethings not quite right here. Glad she ‘stomped’ to the bath.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 18/08/2018 12:41

Good!! She’s in the bath.
Perhaps go on a little trip to Boots to pick out some nice smelling stuff and bubble bath etc.

Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 12:43

"then there’s no books, tv or WiFi until she’s clean."

This sort of stuff is fine!

The ones I thought were harsh and actually I simply couldn't do (so would make poor threats) were

You can't live here if you don't wash
You can't have any food
And the one where I ring her friend and tell her she can't come because she stinks

The first is quite obviosuly an idle threat, who would throw their 11yo out over this? The second is abusive - you have to feed them. The third makes me feel ill just thinking about it - it is way way too harsh a thing to do and could have really long term consequences.

OP posts:
Cauliflowersqueeze · 18/08/2018 12:44

Had she not washed you could have rung and said she’s not coming because she’s not doing as she’s told. That would also have been true.

JW1226 · 18/08/2018 12:45

Wow I thought she was say 14-16!
I'd be taking her to the doctors classic sign of depression!
Also run a bath and put her in it she's 11 a child and defo no party and no luxuries either. Until she obeys the rules then no treats! It's hard it's your daughter however when she gets to 15 she'll be a nightmare you need to put nip it in the bud before it's too late x

Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 12:46

Cauliflowers - that is a lovely idea and I've tried but she's not interested - she's very "ungirly" to the point of being anti-girly.

I put some peach bubble bath in though and she won't complain about that Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 12:50

Cauliflowers yes that would be better.

I'll have a talk with her later. We do need to get the bath fixed - the mixer is stuck and we can onyl get boiling water out, have to pour cold in, so I do it as I don't want them getting burned, and obviously showers are out! That will help but it's not actually the issue.

I don't think she's depressed, she's just very very insular and lives in her own world. I understand that to an extent - I would sit and read for days when I was young, my brother was the same with his drawings.

Anyway thank you all very much for your help - I have listened honest, and will tackle this.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 18/08/2018 12:53

I wouldn't want to go in a bath with my period. Do you have a shower? My DD tried to soap dodge. You really have to be firm that it's not negotiable. Take away the books and papers.

NaomiNagata · 18/08/2018 12:56

@NothingOnTellyAgain

I wasn't saying that your daughter says "but but but" when given suggestions... I'm saying that's what YOU are doing.

This is not a difficult situation to solve. You have been told how to do it. Simply by putting your foot down and no longer being a pushover. Stop being scared to punish. But your replies are "I can't do that, but this, but that"

Stop making excuses. Take her stuff away until she cleans herself. Do not let her out to play. Don't let her walk all over you. This isn't hard.

Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 12:56

but but but...

She doesn't go out to play Grin

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Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 12:57

And she' in the bath now.

I feel sorry for her TBH, it was pretty early for puberty and it must be hard.

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foldingtable · 18/08/2018 12:58

Wow, harsh posts! What a way to get a child to hate you, sounds like a lot of bully’s. Way to make someone hate their body-take away their control.

I gave DD some money and took her shopping for shower gel and deodorant. We went to Lush and Superdrug. Lush is good because they sell fun squodgy soapy things that aren’t girly.

I wouldn’t deal with the smell issue now, it’s too raw. Give her a hug. Tell her you’ll talk it through another time. Actually her friends Mum talked to her, she luvs friends Mum.

HonkyWonkWoman · 18/08/2018 12:58

Hahaha! Have I really just read this:
We do need to get the bath fixed - the mixer is stuck and we can only get boiling water out, have to pour cold in, so I do it as I don't want them getting burned, AND OBVIOUSLY SHOWERS ARE OUT! That will help..

Is this a piss take!!!!!!

LeftRightCentre · 18/08/2018 12:59

Then you take away whatever it is she does. Stop feeling sorry for her because you are not doing her any favours. She's not even a teenager!

Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 13:00

"Hahaha! Have I really just read this:
We do need to get the bath fixed - the mixer is stuck and we can only get boiling water out, have to pour cold in, so I do it as I don't want them getting burned, AND OBVIOUSLY SHOWERS ARE OUT! That will help..

Is this a piss take!!!!!!"

No it's not a piss take.

The shower comes off the bath taps and so is boiling hot. Hence we're having baths until it's fixed.

OP posts:
bellsbuss · 18/08/2018 13:02

Had this with DD2 last year of primary , I told her have a bath or shower or il drag you in there and wash you myself as she was reeking. No other threats were working by this point , She still refused so I dragged her kicking and screaming , pushed her in the shower and switched it on from outside the cubicle. We were both upset but she never refused again

Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 13:07

Ah that sounds more like somethign I can get on board with bells!

I'm better at doing it now rather than entering psychological warfare which I suspect wouldn't end well at all for either of us.

OP posts:
OverTheHedgeSammy · 18/08/2018 13:08

FFS, you have a child who has an issue with being clean. GET YOUR BATH AND SHOWER FIXED URGENTLY!!!!!

Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 13:08

I woudl happily shut her in the bathroom until she's clean and I can see that workign for sure. She would be well bored in there!

Thansk bells Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 13:09

I really don't think it's the facilities that are the problem it's DD - although clearly we are getting them fixed asap.

OP posts:
averythinline · 18/08/2018 13:10

My Ds hates showers even when fixed! it takes a lot of shoving to get in the bath but once he's there hes fine (although hair washing is another challenge cos need to use the shower head...
thinkgs that helped were

  1. decent bubbles (or using his dads ) and toiletries
  2. reading in the bath - coudl she not take her books in with her?? maybe not kindle
  3. a stand for the ipad so he can watch whilst he bathes (it goes on top of the bin so not actually in touching distance)

no choice he doesnt get to do x,y,z until he's had one.... he has to get the school bus so can say to him what would teh bus boys say if he smells.....
I would rather make it a nice experience for him and have less aggro I'm sure when he's older he will be fine but for now its a choose your battle thing

Filzma · 18/08/2018 13:10

You're a good mum OP. They say it takes 40days to get into a habit. Make sure you follow up daily showers for 40days. Even if she slacks later on, might be once in 2 days.

oldbirdy · 18/08/2018 13:12

My DS is autistic and a seasoned soap dodger. I find (like you did) that if I start the bath running and tell him it's for him and he'll be in severe trouble if it overflows works well. He stomps off to turn the taps off and gets in.