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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do you deal with soap dodger?

103 replies

NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 11:41

My eldest has become a soap dodger since the whole puberty thing happened. Just went in and said "you've got a party later you need to have a wash" "no" "your hair needs a wash and your armpits smell" "no" and a glare...

I don't want to create a complex but it's not good. I knos this is common! How did you deal with it?

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 18/08/2018 12:17

Being dirty and smelly isn’t just something that affects her. It’s horribly antisocial. She shouldn’t be allowed to go to a party if she isn’t clean. If I were you I would insist on up, showered, clean clothes, clean teeth first thing every morning as a basic before she is allowed breakfast, WiFi, whatever. It takes ten minutes and stops her from making everyone else suffer. She needs to learn that it is not acceptable.

AlexanderHamilton · 18/08/2018 12:18

Or does she prefer a bath, Dd does sometimes if she’s having sensory problems with the water on her skin.

ggirl · 18/08/2018 12:19

Yup ..I would be putting my foot down and not asking but insisting that she get in the bath or shower and you'll be washing her bedding while she's in there.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 18/08/2018 12:19

Agree with telling her no wash no going out. And if she stays in she stays in. No worries if she feels she is winning.

Tell her when she goes back to school that she has to wash every day and if that doesn’t happen you will also ask her head of year to discuss the importance of proper hygiene. I’ve had a couple of those conversations and they’ve had a 100% success rate.

AlexanderHamilton · 18/08/2018 12:19

Is the party one of her friends? Tell her you will be explaining to them exactly why she isn’t going

NaomiNagata · 18/08/2018 12:20

Take away the books. Take away her drawing paper.

Put your foot down with her. You say "You will not live in this house if you refuse to keep clean. You will not go out, you will not have books to read etc. Hygiene is not an optional extra in this house. Get up and get in the shower because you stink".

Don't be a pushover and stop saying "but but but" when given suggestions.

Kingkiller · 18/08/2018 12:20

No wash no party. You say that if she doesn't go, that will have achieved nothing. But that is not true at all. It will have achieved showing her what happens if she doesn't cooperate. She will say "I won't go then" because she's testing whether you'll go through with it or back down. She might even reckon it's worth her missing this one party to show you how mean you are and ensure that you'll never do it again. Stand your ground!

ggirl · 18/08/2018 12:21

I'm confused is she yr 6 or 8 yrs old?

Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 12:21

No way am I going to ring up her friend and tell her she can't come because she smells?

Would you really do that?

OP posts:
Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 12:21

She's 11

OP posts:
JW1226 · 18/08/2018 12:21

Throw a cup of water over her or a cup of dirt then she has no choice unless she wants to roll around in mud.

Serious note how old is she?

AlexanderHamilton · 18/08/2018 12:22

Yes nothing I really would do that.

You are way too soft, you need to toughen up a bit or teenage years are going to be hell.

Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 12:22

"Take away the books. Take away her drawing paper.

Put your foot down with her. You say "You will not live in this house if you refuse to keep clean. You will not go out, you will not have books to read etc. Hygiene is not an optional extra in this house. Get up and get in the shower because you stink".

Don't be a pushover and stop saying "but but but" when given suggestions."

Yes this is it she wouldnt' say "but" or give suggestions. She would just say "Fine" and sit in her room and that would be that.

And this bit "You will not live in this house if you refuse to keep clean" she's only 11 I can't kick her out!

OP posts:
Dermymc · 18/08/2018 12:23

She's 11!!!
Fucking hell OP you are a pushover. Nip this in the bud now or your problems will multiply.

Dermymc · 18/08/2018 12:23

Then let her sit in her room. She'll eventually get bored.

Original poster
NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/08/2018 12:23

You would ring up her friend and say taht she smells?

You don't think that's a bit off? Someone earlier mentioned avoiding bullying, I'd have thought that ringing up her friends and saying she can't go out because she stinks would set off bullying of monstrous proportions.

OP posts:
AlexanderHamilton · 18/08/2018 12:26

You can’t pissibly know that as you have never followed through with consequences.

One time when Ds was younger he was refusing to get dressed for school. I threatened that if he didn’t do so he would have to go to school in his pj’s as it wasn’t fair to make Dd late. He of course didn’t believe me.

So I picked him up, put him in the car & drive to school, he sobbed all the way as he knew he would be laughed st once we got there. (He didn’t know I had his uniform in a carrier bag so he could change in the car when we arrived)

He never did that again.

titchy · 18/08/2018 12:26

OP stop being so wet! Phone up the friend's mum and say she can't go as you're having some issues with her.

The start removing books, WiFi and drawing materials.

EachPeachPearRum · 18/08/2018 12:27

Okay so she doesn't go. But you need a routine so having a shower isn't tied to social engagements. Tell her she needs to shower every single morning. Then stand over her and make it happen until she does it on her own. You're way too soft OP.

AlexanderHamilton · 18/08/2018 12:27

Aged 11 I would ring up her friends mother & day she was not coming to the party because she was refusing to shower & she smelt.

But it wouldn’t come to that. She’d back down. If it did she’d never do it again I promise you.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 18/08/2018 12:27

I don’t think I am tough OP. It’s expected by society that if you want to socialise, you should be clean. If she wants to stay at home and stink, then there’s no books, tv or WiFi until she’s clean.

It’s not tough, it’s teaching them that you are the parent and also teaching her what’s expected by others.

Or would you rather take her and have the other kids tell her she stinks?

AlexanderHamilton · 18/08/2018 12:30

Most of us on this thread have been there with one or more of our kids. We are all telling you the same thing that worked for us.

Livinglavidal0ca · 18/08/2018 12:32

Look at it this way, it’s your responsibility as her parent to make sure she’s clean, fed and healthy.

You’re not doing that right now!

30hours · 18/08/2018 12:33

What utterly useless parenting.

OP: my kid stinks
Mn: tell her to wash or have a consequence
OP: I couldn’t POSSIBLY.

Basic hygiene may not be compulsory in hot hosuehold but don’t inflict your stink on others.

itwillbealrightpromise · 18/08/2018 12:34

*No way am I going to ring up her friend and tell her she can't come because she smells?

Would you really do that?*

I would say she has to ring up and explain to her friend herself, or that she has to shower and then go to the party. The aim is to get her to shower, so it probably wouldn't end up happening, but it could if she didn't.