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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

When to say we can't do it anymore? Pls don't judge!

77 replies

ElzBevan · 12/05/2018 18:09

We have a 14 year old daughter. I say we - my husband has been here since she was a year old. Her bio dad has abandoned her more than once....he currently lives in Thailand after telling her via facebook!
We have had a year of hell. Lying, stealing, running away, being beaten up, police at the door - you name it, she's been at the centre of it all.
Before today I have always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, no matter the battles I've had to fight on her behalf.
For the last few weeks we have been targeted by a group of kids, who just don't seem to like her... we couldnt figure it out. Each time she has been beaten we have supported her, each time these kids show up we call the police, and so on.
A few days ago my neighbour came to me and asked me to ask DD to stop throwing her fag ends into her garden - i jumped to her defence (as Usual)
last night we caught her smoking in her room - even when caught she denied it, even caught red handed. I took away her phone, laptop and told her she was grounded....
This morning DH takes me to work. by the time he gets home 30 mins later, she has packed some stuff and run.
this is the 4th time. the police have been informed, and will be out to search the house (again) in a bit.
DH went into her room, and has found evidence of smoking, sexual activity and shopliffting - lots of shopliffting.
We have 2 ds's (9 and 11) who are being massively affected.
At this point, when the police do find her, i have decided i don't want her back in the house. She can't tell the truth, even when confronted, she can't speak to anyone with respect, she has trashed her bedroom, and she steals.
Has anyone experience of this??!
If you got this far thanks for reading

OP posts:

MudCity · 12/05/2018 18:13

You can’t do this any more. It is fine to say this. However, you do need to stand firm....very firm.

Good luck.

QuoadUltra · 12/05/2018 18:17

She is being bullied, right? Or have I got that wrong?

If so, this is all very understandable.

My eldest is eleven so I don’t know much about teenagers but 14 still sounds very young.

Oly5 · 12/05/2018 18:18

Oh this is just awful. I’m sorry you’re going through her. As her parents you can’t abandon her, these are such horrible years of confusion and messiness. I assume you have calmly talked to her and asked her to tell you everything that’s going on. Tell her you know it already but want to hear it from her in case you can help. Then tell her you’re going to seek extra help for you and her to sort things out. Can the police put you in touch with anyone who can offer guidance and counselling? I’d say the smoking and sex are possibly fairly normal for her age (yes, even sex at 14) but the shoplifting is going to leave her with a criminal record. Is she being bullied/abused? Can the school help you at all?

TammySwansonTwo · 12/05/2018 18:25

Does it help to know that I was smoking, having sex, drinking, lying, stealing and doing all sorts of irresponsible shit at 14 but I still managed to get good qualifications, a degree, a good career, a good marriage, a happy family life etc? She is not condemned to a life of disaster.

I don’t know why your daughter is like this. All I know is why I was like that, all I know is that I was dealing with the fallout from some pretty awful stuff (sexual abuse, bereavements, depression, constant pain due to something that wouldn’t be diagnosed for another 7 years, etc). I went off the rails for a while but I found my way back.

Will she talk to you at all about what’s going on and why?

Original poster

ElzBevan · 12/05/2018 18:35

Thanks
we thought she was being bullied, turns out its 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other.
We have had some support, but because we are dealing with it they never follow through.
We have done all we can -listening, supporting, tough love, etc etc.
She seems to be lacking some basic human feelings - love, empathy and she is certainly a pathological liar.
yes, she has had been abandoned 3 times by her birth dad, she also has a heart condition.
and yes, financially we are struggling, but she has everything she needs, even if that isn't necessarily what she wants.
As parents, we are clearly not giving her something she needs... at this point i think its time for someone else to try - before she ruins not only her own life, but makes the family around her implode also

OP posts:

Oly5 · 12/05/2018 21:43

But she’s young. You can’t throw her out or send her into care. That will ruin her life. Do all you can to get more help. Half of what she’s doing is normal teen behaviour. She’s hardly robbing people at gun point or murdering anyone. Keep working at this

Lonesurvivor · 12/05/2018 21:52

No-one else will have your child's best interests at heart. If you give up on her now too it's likely you'll destroy her completely.

OpalIridescence · 12/05/2018 21:55

I'm so sorry, I can hear how tired you are. It's natural to want this to stop.

But you know you shouldn't do this don't you? Your daughter is 14 and acting like a total fool. However, she is in the middle of a crazy time of life and she needs her parents. If you tell her she can't come home you need to understand the damage that will do to her and your relationship.

I was a terrible teenager, I really put my parents through it. I was rude, disrespectful, I had fights, I smoked and took drugs, I I truanted, I was a mess. I would have appeared a total nightmare to other people, I was just seriously unhappy.

Like a PP it was just my teenage phase, I am a law-abiding, happy grown up and am very close to my lovely parents. This too will pass.

HollowTalk · 12/05/2018 21:56

I disagree with other posters. Sometimes a family needs a break. If the OP was saying her own mother was prepared to have the child for a few months, nobody would be arguing.

In my family one particular sibling made everyone's life hell. At the time I wanted that person to live elsewhere - I was close to suicide as a result of their actions. I still think, years on, that actually we would have all benefited, that person too, if they'd been taken into care.

Foster care nowadays isn't like it was. A person going into care would get the help they needed and the family would have some respite, too.

OhTheRoses · 12/05/2018 21:56

She's 14.

Blizzardagain · 12/05/2018 22:00

I couldn't kick her out OP but you need to have a serious conversation with her. I'd hand over your evidence of shop lifting to the police. Are SS involved? Could they offer some support? Ultimately you also have two younger children being hit with the fall out of their siblings behaviour which isn't fair either.

OpalIridescence · 12/05/2018 22:01

I would be arguing even if the grandmother was offering. You just cannot tell this girl she is not worth it any more. If you tell a child they are no longer welcome in the family, are not a unconditional member any more it will cause permanent damage.

DLADilema · 12/05/2018 22:03

We have done all we can -listening, supporting, tough love, etc etc.
She seems to be lacking some basic human feelings - love, empathy and she is certainly a pathological liar.

Well then you haven’t done all you can... listening, support and tough love will not help if the issue is one that requires psychological support.

Don’t abandon her. But you need to signpost her to get help. 14, she doesn’t think it, but she is still a child.

QueenOfMyWorld · 12/05/2018 22:04

Stick with her and I'm sure she will come out the other side.I put my mum and dad through he'll between 14 and 18 then I calmed down and became more mature.She is v young and will be heavily influenced by her friends

bionicnemonic · 12/05/2018 22:07

Please stay with her.
You’re all she has.

alpineibex · 12/05/2018 22:08

My grandparents did this to me and my behaviour only got worse.

I'd been sectioned and they told me on a visit to the hospital that they didn't think they could cope with me coming back home.
I very nearly had to be sedated afterwards.

Bare in mind that if she's running away from home there's every likelihood she's just run away from any temporary carers too.

alpineibex · 12/05/2018 22:08

We're super close now though, now that I'm better.

Practicallyperfectwithprosecco · 12/05/2018 22:09

My 14 year was abandoned repeatedly by her birth dad and it led to massive problems but we didn't realise that was the root of her behaviour. A year of help from CAMHS and my happy child is starting to reappear. No matter how vile she is being and how tough it is remember she is still your baby. Sometimes I had to look at old photos to remind myself but glad I didn't give up on her. Get her the help she clearly needs - the self destruct button they have pressed can only be switched off by you and just be there to pick up the pieces. She will come out the other side and although she won't admit it now she needs her mum.

HipsterAssassin · 12/05/2018 22:10

Can social services help? In my area there is a team of workers for precisely these sorts of situations. What about school? What have they recommended? I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds utterly harrowing.

HarryLovesDraco · 12/05/2018 22:12

Never! You can't stop parenting your child. No foster carer will be able to repair whatever has gone wrong. Believe me - she will just run more often and wear out several sets of foster carers thereby deepening her self of self hatred and worsening self esteem.
You need to push for help. Camhs?

NameChangeCuzImAHorriblePerson · 12/05/2018 22:12

You just need to ride it out. Sooner or later she will be bored of this rebellion. I was a little shit at 14 also, came out of it by 16 and went on to get a degree, get married and have a happy and uneventful (in a good way!) life. I know it's hard but it will pass.

Grumpyoldblonde · 12/05/2018 22:12

I feel for all of you. I was that teenager though and I'm now a very responsible, boring adult.
Part of my problem, just part was appalling PMT which I think is completely overlooked in young girls, I was angry, paranoid and felt out of control.

It's very hard on all of you I hope you can stick with her though, she needs you.

MsP0b · 12/05/2018 22:15

Stick with her. She's your child. It's horrendous but it will pass.

MrsJimmyPerez · 12/05/2018 22:15

If you reject your child now you will cause a devastating wound that she will struggle to recover from for the rest of her life. I worked for years with 'Looked After' teenagers and the one's that were in the home because their parents refused to have them at home anymore suffered terribly from the rejection. I'm wondering who you're thinking will look after her if you don't? There really isn't a lovely, safe place waiting for her - that place needs to be her current home with you.be

What she's doing doesn't sound extreme - exhausting and worrying, but smoking, stealing and lying aren't unusual for teenagers.

Perhaps you (and her step-dad) can look for support for yourselves, strategies on how to stay calm and united when under this stress. Teenagers aren't something you cure, they're something you get through.

immortalmarble · 12/05/2018 22:17

Oh my lord, she’s been repeatedly beaten by a group of kids and you want to throw her out? Or have I misunderstood?

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