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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

When to say we can't do it anymore? Pls don't judge!

77 replies

ElzBevan · 12/05/2018 18:09

We have a 14 year old daughter. I say we - my husband has been here since she was a year old. Her bio dad has abandoned her more than once....he currently lives in Thailand after telling her via facebook!
We have had a year of hell. Lying, stealing, running away, being beaten up, police at the door - you name it, she's been at the centre of it all.
Before today I have always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, no matter the battles I've had to fight on her behalf.
For the last few weeks we have been targeted by a group of kids, who just don't seem to like her... we couldnt figure it out. Each time she has been beaten we have supported her, each time these kids show up we call the police, and so on.
A few days ago my neighbour came to me and asked me to ask DD to stop throwing her fag ends into her garden - i jumped to her defence (as Usual)
last night we caught her smoking in her room - even when caught she denied it, even caught red handed. I took away her phone, laptop and told her she was grounded....
This morning DH takes me to work. by the time he gets home 30 mins later, she has packed some stuff and run.
this is the 4th time. the police have been informed, and will be out to search the house (again) in a bit.
DH went into her room, and has found evidence of smoking, sexual activity and shopliffting - lots of shopliffting.
We have 2 ds's (9 and 11) who are being massively affected.
At this point, when the police do find her, i have decided i don't want her back in the house. She can't tell the truth, even when confronted, she can't speak to anyone with respect, she has trashed her bedroom, and she steals.
Has anyone experience of this??!
If you got this far thanks for reading

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 12/05/2018 22:20

Have you had anyvsupport from CAMHS/SS. Youvsay she has no empathy and is a pathological liar. Have you had any realistic clinical support to start establishing whethere there are clinical psychological issues indsrlying tje behaviour or a neurodevelopmental disability? What clinical help is/has been in place?

It must be very difficult.

Original poster
ElzBevan · 12/05/2018 22:21

She is home, we have a number to call to get some help.
at no point did i say i was abandoning her, or refusing to parent her, but just sometimes we all need a little help - DH and I parent alone,no granparents,no babysitters,no date nights.at the end of the day we are only human and need some place to vent
she is home,fed,and watching youtube with her little brothers. tonight we will all have a goodnights sleep, and look at it all again tomorrow.

OP posts:
Bonelessbanquet · 12/05/2018 22:21

Your child has been repeatedly abandoned by her father, if you give up on her she will feel utterly worthless

Original poster
ElzBevan · 12/05/2018 22:22

@immortalmarble -youve misunderstood!

OP posts:
Original poster
ElzBevan · 12/05/2018 22:24

and for those with helpful or encouraging words,thanks

however, once again i'm reminded of how judgemental some can be- more fool me for opening up i guess

OP posts:
DLADilema · 12/05/2018 22:26

“At this point, when the police do find her, i have decided i don't want her back in the house.”

I’m confused. Immortal marbles interpretation was the same as mine.

MrsJimmyPerez · 12/05/2018 22:30

OP you said you've decided you don't want her back in the house and that at this point it's time for someone else to try, which would be abandoning her and refusing to parent her.

Fine if you're just venting - it's a tough time and an anonymous MN post can release pressure - but really really not fine to actually carry through with what you said you were considering.

NotTakenUsername · 12/05/2018 22:30

ElzBevan You are having a hard time in your life, but this thread has been very supportive. Everyone is encouraging you to seek help, keep going and don’t give up on her. Your op implied that you were going to. Sad. No one is judging, just encouraging you to keep going. Flowers

converseandjeans · 12/05/2018 22:31

It sounds like really hard work & you are presumably picking up the pieces of her Dad disappearing off and abandoning her. I think there will be some people on here who can offer some proper advice. But agree with others you need to work through it - if you give her any inkling you can't cope with her & don't want her there the damage might be harder to repair than what you are dealing with now. Just wanted to offer some sympathy.

immortalmarble · 12/05/2018 22:31

I’m not judging OP; if I have misunderstood I’m sorry. Where did the beating come from?

polkadotwellies · 12/05/2018 22:33

we thought she was being bullied, turns out its 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other

I don't really understand this bit. Bullying can be really severe and can make people shut down and self destruct. It could be she seems to have lack of empathy because she's trying to feel numb. The fact she smoked obviously and lied shows a lack of care not that she's pathological.

It must be so hard but I really think she needs help with the bullying. I was a teenager who got up to all sorts but was in a really bad way.

Petitepamplemousse · 12/05/2018 22:35

She is having sex and engaging in some questionable/dangerous activities. You need to PROTECT her and be on her side and look after her. Not even think about abandoning her. The fact you would even say something like that shocks me.

Petitepamplemousse · 12/05/2018 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

affectionincoldclimate · 12/05/2018 22:39

I appreciate this must be a hellish time for you OP. I really do.

I was that child when I was 14 to 16 years old. Some of the things you listed took me right back. Drugs, running away, sex. drinking, aggression - the lot. I was scared, unhappy, lonely and my Mum was there for me. I will never forget that.

I turned out fine in the end.

Get her help. And get YOU help. But don't abandon her.

NotTakenUsername · 12/05/2018 22:40

Ok op - now that Petitepamplemousse you can make reference to judgement twunts.

Petitepamplemousse · 12/05/2018 22:44

I’m sorry but I will judge anyone who suggests abandoning a FOURTEEN year old daughter going through a tough time, who has run away. Yep, I massively judge OP for that.

Petitepamplemousse · 12/05/2018 22:47

‘When the police do find her, i have decided i don't want her back in the house’- that is the definition of abandonment.

NotTakenUsername · 12/05/2018 22:49

Well done Petitepamplemousse. Slow clap for you. Now can you piss off so the other posters can support the op and hopefully help her and her daughter?

Lonesurvivor · 12/05/2018 22:56

The comments about been judged are nonsense, you could easily be accused of doing the same to your daughter.
You're in a tough situation and asking for advice. Just because people disagree strongly with what you, the parent and adult are considering doing to your daughter, doesn't mean you're been judged it means we think it's the wrong decision.

flowerpicture · 12/05/2018 22:59

OP, before the thread breaks down into a mess of misunderstandings and uninformed judgements, can you please clarify the beatings aspect? Is your daughter getting beaten up regularly by other teens? Or are you saying she's causing fights and losing? I just want to be clear on that before offering any sort of advice.

Petitepamplemousse · 12/05/2018 23:01

Well NotTaken, I believe telling the OP she is unreasonable to treat her daughter so harshly might give her some much-needed perspective and therefore cause her to treat her daughter with more kindness, compassion and more thoughtful approach to next steps. I am more interested in how OP’s daughter might be feeling right now rather than her mother who is so quick to suggest kicking her out.

Practicallyperfectwithprosecco · 12/05/2018 23:02

It's the worst feeling in the world thinking you have somehow failed your child and feeling helpless in what to do. What you don't need is some twat calling you a crap parent. At times I thought I couldn't help her but luckily I've got a good support network that helped me stay strong enough to help her. OP if you haven't got people around you that you can rant at and cry etc then use this site not everyone here will judge, teenagers without problems are difficult and some have more problems than others, you just need a listening ear and helpful non judgemental advice.

Petitepamplemousse · 12/05/2018 23:15

Ah I’m sorry, apparently GOOD parents tell the police they won’t take their own children back into their houses?
OP, that was what I was referring to as crap parenting, because let’s face it, kicking out your kids is pretty shit. If you aren’t going to do that, and were genuinely just sounding off, then I revise my comment.

Abitlost2015 · 13/05/2018 07:27

OP, you sound exhausted and like you are asking for permission to give up. Of course YANBU to do so, we all have a limit.

However, I feel posters above are correct and it may it be the best long term solution if you want to maintain a relationship with your daughter and help her.

The fact she has been abandoned by her birth father stands out from your OP and I fear she is testing you (not consciously) to make sure you will not. If you can find a way to let her know you’d like to be there for her but can’t tolerate certain behaviour? Can you get some more support for yourself before a complete break from her?

Only you know your specific circumstances and the fact you are questioning your decision means once you reach one it will be the best for your current circumstances. Good luck.

Abitlost2015 · 13/05/2018 07:28

Sorry, my second paragraph should say *it may not be the best long term solution

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