How much Rent is fair to charge teenage son?

[Rentquery176]

Hi all
I am the proud owner of an 18 yr old ds. He has recently left school and got a job earning £14k pa (approx £1000 a month). He is living at home with his 13 yr old sister and me. I am a single parent working between 20 and 35 hrs a week and have lost a total of £339 pcm with him leaving school, including the loss of the single persons council tax benefit.

I have asked him to pay £40 per week in rent. He is objecting to paying this partly as his dad has helpfully told him how much maintenance he is paying, so feels he shouldn’t have to pay so much. He has said he will pay £30 a week but I am reluctant to accept this on principle, as much as anything.

Any opinions welcome. I have namechanged as I may show him this thread.

You definitely need to set realistic ground rules for him at this stage. What if he's still living at home at the age of 25 or 30 and you're still heavily subsidising him? It'll be difficult to change the arrangements once you've accepted them as 'fair'

I believe that young adults need to learn some of the harsh realities of the cost of living, and budgeting accordingly. Under your son's proposal of paying £30 a week, he'd be left with nearly £900 a month as spending money - with you suffering having lost the £339 a month income?

He's having a larf! What planet does he think he lives on???

Most of us pay about one third of our income in housing costs alone, with bills and food and leisure etc on top of that.

Call me harsh, but there's no way that I'd accept his proposals. I think £40 a week is way too cheap too if it includes food and utility bills too. I'd be expecting at least £80 a week and think that I was doing him a massive favour at this price!

It's not up to him to 'tell' you what he'll pay to you, but for you to tell him what your terms are. I'd call his bluff if he's not willing to accept, and tell him he's free to leave and that you'll rent his room out for far more than you want him to pay .Get him to calculate the costs of living in a shared house elsewhere! £40 wouldn't even cover the cost of his food, let alone rent, council tax and utility bills.

When maintenance is stopped when a child stops full-time education etc what costs reduce? Assume heating, food bills etc say the same. Assume the NR parent benefits and the resident parent suffers lack of income in respect of maintenance/benefits but also no reduction, and in fact possible increase in costs eg council tax

I used to pay £50 a week to my Mum from the age of 17. You're being too kind on him!

I paid £40 a week in about 2003, out of approximately £850 monthly wage.

Fair point about the NRP being better off due to no longer having to pay CM, but the RP is just to suck it up and be worse off while still having most of the same outgoings??

And the OP has another child. So by her not charging any rent, yet taking a hit on the CB, TC’s, that’s leaves her worse off for daughter, til she turns 18, then OP is expected to do the same for her? OP shouldn’t be struggling for the next 5+ years, when her DS will be 23!

We charge ours £40 a week. I think it's a cheap deal to be honest.

Will your ex be continuing to pay child support then, even though your son is no longer in education? Tbh I don't think you can think of it as losing £340 a month or whatever, as that was for when he was a child and you paid for things like phone contract, clothes, school supplies etc. You should charge him enough to cover what he costs you in food and bills, so about £40 a week seems fair to me.

Hi all, Op here. Thanks all for your helpful comments. This is obviously a contentious and tricky subject for many of us.

I have not been back since my initial post as I wanted to get as unbiased comments as possible, without me influencing anybody by commenting. I will be speaking to my son later and will take the useful on board.

In reply to @boxingdaydisappoints - Do you have kids of your own? I hope not with your attitude. It appears you are projecting issues from your own life onto me. As for your comment that I don’t have children who need me at home, I am not happy leaving my 13 year old daughter to her own devices in virtually all of the school holidays. Her dad will not look after her beyond the bare minimum and therefore it is up to me to run around after her and make sure she has at least some fun, as well as all the usual appointments kids have/time off sick etc. I do my best to balance being a good parent and earning money, it’s definitely not easy.

I will let you know how it goes...

Forgot to say, Yes, I still receive the same maintenance as before. This is because it was termed Global maintenance, so partly for me. I needed this so that I could get the mortgage put into my name which he also wanted. This was balanced by him having a slightly larger/more generous second charge on the house to be paid out when youngest is 18.

So, it’s a bit complicated but yes i am fortunate to still get the same maintenance as before. I probably couldn’t have kept the house otherwise, which I definitely think was best for the kids. Also, as others have pointed out, kids don’t just stop costing you money as they’ve hit 18. Why should I be the only one forking out all the time? £40 per week certainly doesn’t cover it!

He doesn't get to dictate to you how much you can charge for lodging and board in your home is the issue. £40 is far under what he'd be paying all in for any other place. So you just tell him, 'It's £40/week or you need to find another place to live.' And mean it. He sounds entitled and that's the crux of the matter.

He could not go to a landlord and tell him, 'Well, you have no mortgage so I'm only paying X/month.' And he needs to be doing chores in the home, too. It's not a hotel.

I have stepchildren who are a similar age to your children. My situation is very similar, only I work as much as I can because my husband pays a lot of maintenance to his ex wife to enable her to not work full time and still maintain her large family home. Unfortunately she doesn't count her blessings only moans about having to work the little she does and try's to use her children as her cash cow. So perhaps I am projecting but it sounds rather a similar situation. Good luck with your attempts to screw as much as you can out of your son, good luck when the maintenance stops as it will eventually. You may wish then you'd got back into work full time whilst you still could, instead of using holiday childcare provision as a very weak excuse. Perhaps your ex husband works long hours and can only maintain his maintenance payments by doing so and therefore can't also help with additional childcare.

OMG Boxingdaydisappoints how rude are you? Seriously judgemental and bitter re the ex wife living in the "big house" whilst you have to work. Boo hoo for you NOT. Get in the real life young working adults still living at home should contribute to household budget end off.

Wow. £40 rent a wee from my 18 year old son is now treating him as a cash cow. 😂. Maybe he could move in with you full time and you’d soon realise how much he costs to run. £40 certainly won’t go very far in putting a roof over his head.

you should have picked a better husband then Boxing day shouldnt you?

Boxing, that bitterness isn’t good for you

Last thread I read from boxingdaydisappoints, only a couple of months ago, was her moaning that her boyfriend wouldn’t propose to her. She obviously twisted his arm, lucky man.

@Boxingday
Harsh and twisted!

This isn't about what the ex pays, it's about what it's reasonable for the son, who is now an adult, should pay towards his keep. Do you really think it's ok for the son in this situation to have £1000 a month disposable income and pay nothing towards his own costs? Whilst his mother and younger sister have a severely reduced income to live on?

I have a strong feeling that you don't have children of your own and haven't really grasped the financial and practical difficulties that the resident parent faces post divorce, and the constraints that caring full time for children places upon the rp. Your comment about holiday care is simply derisable!

If he's paying a contribution I'd show him a copy of your bills per month. This way it's educating him how much it costs and he'll feel more grown up knowing you trust him.

I would say you are not trying to make profit from him and don't want rent but a third or half of bills. That way he can see he's paying what he clearly is using and will feel better for it?

Ps. I'd ask him to buy his own food/toiletries ect if he isn't or add that to bills

What Octave says plus he should be paying his phone bill if he isn’t already.

Tbh, anything less than £500 a month and you’re effectively subsidising his social life/frivolities
£1000 a month is a good amount at that age and even with paying for £500 towards rent/keep, he will still have £500 left over, out of that you could cover the £300+ you are losing and potentially (if your able) save £100/150 for him a month towards deposit/rent for a place of his own.
Can’t see any reason why he’d need any more than £500 a month and most likely at his age it will get pissed up the wall on nights out/clothing etc far better he gets a dose of reality-setting him up for when he does move out so it’s not as much of a shock.

I’d not accept any negotiation either, he either accepts your terms, finds himself a house share or moves in with his df.

I charge mine a % of their wage, so currently £160 pcm (room, bills, laundry facilities, WiFi, basic foodstuffs) and they pay for their own stuff like clothes, transport, extra food, phone, toiletries.
I see it as essential lifeskills, they are adults and the relationship needs to evolve.

I have to admit that when I left school and got a job I thought I was paying too much board at home (I totally wasn't!!) I stayed over most nights at my then boyfriends house and only ever really had breakfast there. I paid £150 pcm.

Obviously as I got a bit older I realised I wasn't paying near enough.

Now I have 2 DS's and will definitely charge board when they are old enough and working! I actually like the idea of charging a % of their wage so it's fair if one earns more than another.

OP, does your DS know how much you're losing with him not being in education?

I also can't believe some of the comments to OP about not charging!

I'm so glad the astonishing hypocrisy and goadery fuckery is still so alive and well on mumsnet.

As for fobbing off your cash cow as soon as he's stopped being of "benefit" - not in the least surprising! My house is already full of stepkids thanks, perhaps you should consider him still your responsibility and continue to look after him!

Oh, do stop embarrassing yourself Boxing. It’s pretty clear from your previous threads that you really resent being a SM, paying for the kids, and your stepson in particular takes you for granted. You reap what you sow. So spare us the holier than thou attitude.

And perhaps familiarise yourself with what “hypocrisy” is before you call anyone else out for “goady fuckery”