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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm in total shock and I need help.

124 replies

whyhim · 08/05/2007 23:00

Please help me, I have just found out that not only is my 17 son doing drugs, he's supposedly doing coke, but also he's hanging around in Nechells with dealers. Can't speak, have been sick and just don't know what to do. Have three other kids so can't have confrontation tonight. Also my ex, his dad, would wait around if I told him and probably come close to killing him. I'm ashamed of my son and realise that he has ruined our lives, but also those of his siblings.

PLEASE HELP ME

OP posts:
Original poster
whyhim · 10/05/2007 09:39

Why would I call the police? Can they help? I thought they'd just arrest him for using or dealing. He'll never dob this dealer in and tbh I don't think I would either. Too scared of what might happen to us all. I know eher he lives and his phone no 'cos I've dropped my son off there to "play" with their decks How stupis am I?

OP posts:
lilymolly · 10/05/2007 09:41

You need some experts to advice you, please ring a local drugs helpline and meet with a counseller who may be able to advice and answer your questions.

Original poster
whyhim · 10/05/2007 09:43

Lilymolly, thank you. I don't know what problems my son has, he's lucky I think. Job, nice house, loving parents who he thinks "care too much!" siblings, holidays etc. What is so wrong with his life? I think he's drifted into this and sadly I don't think he wants to get out. DH and I think he likes the "toughness" of this life, makes him feel big. He went to a posh school, hung round with the rich kids and lived their life. Parties, etc and know he's left school, he wants that life/money style back, we think. I am scared of losing him

OP posts:
Original poster
whyhim · 10/05/2007 09:46

We've talked to two helplines, both of them keep asking us what we think we should do?! I need someone to tell me. They keep saying talk to him, but when we finally decide we're ready to talk to him, what if he denies and laughs it off, then what? Also his real dad won't have any of this councelling "SHIT".....HIS ANSWER WILL BE SHOUT, TELL HIM TO STOP AND KEEP HIM IN. i AM TEMPTED TO SEND DS THERE FOR A WHILE. sorry about caps, crying..

OP posts:
FiveFingeredFiend · 10/05/2007 09:48

Yes becuase arresting him and his friends and allowing this behaviour to happen and allowing him to disrespect your family is obviously better than a criminal record.

First offence, underage - your counting on the shock of your actions rather than the consequences to your son.

or you can let him kill himself

lilymolly · 10/05/2007 09:49

God sounds so much like my brother, lives in nice area, good parents, holidays mixed with well off people, had a job, etc, but still not happy, and has never matured into a young man. he still acts like a teenager, grunting and not communicating in a normal adult fashion. My dp is only 26 (I am 31) and he has a £200k mortgage, his own business, dd 16mths old, dog etc etc etc, and is a mature adult.
There is no comparision between them at all.
A counseller once told me that drugs prevent one maturing into an adult, and delay devleopment, hence why brother acts like a "kevin"

I think your ds needs a short sharp kick up the arse.

Original poster
whyhim · 10/05/2007 09:52

I thought it didn't matter if they were underage and anyway, I have to prove he's doing it. I have the word of this lovely mum and son, but where would it go from there? My son is v immature in some ways, spoilt even but also has a horrendous temper. If he doesn't get his own way in life, he can be really nasty and stubborn. I feel like this is so much my fault, I've given in some times when I shouldn't but we are seen as quite strict with our kids. Other people's kids were out at night, mine aren't. He still has to be at 11, even though he's 17.

OP posts:
lilymolly · 10/05/2007 09:55

Does he work?, pay board? does he help around the house? do you see where I am going........ has he any responsabiltys?

Where does he get money from? who pays for his mobile phone? nighjts out?

FiveFingeredFiend · 10/05/2007 09:59

No dear, if you rang the police told them your concerns about him being a dealer, owing money etc etc they will take it seriously. If they feel unable to support you directly they may be able to put you in contact with other area resources at your disposal.

You seem to be on one hand worried beyond belief - yet on the other not willing to do anything about it. I think your son knows this. How wonderful is it to be the centre of the universe if you are him?

I have been in your situatin BTW, i can't clarify.But what i will say is that you seem to have an unfoudned fear of authoratative intervention.
Police.
Social services.
Drug action team
Community support officers
CAB
Frank
Parentline

You have resources at your disposal. however you seem to be wallowing in your drama instead of trying to resolve your situation.

What example does he give for your other children?

Where are the rules? Your whole being as a mother dictates that you raise a human being who is a functioning member of society.

Not that he should love you, not that you will lose him. This is about him. His opportunities and his future. It isn't about you. So act.

Original poster
whyhim · 10/05/2007 10:02

Right, he has worked since he left school. Got various jobs at window cos. selling which he's really good at, charming and can sell! Got made redundant, got another job where he met this dealer guy. He has a phone contract for £29 a month which we have paid since he was 15 but he didn't get pocket money. His dad gave his cash occasionally and everything he does with his dad is paid for, golf, tennis...his dad left when he was 8 weeks old and he pays this back in cash...
He has lost/sold phones, wheeler deals on e-bay,we lose count of where and what he's doing, so him hanging around with various people is the norm. He gets his wages and owes me loads of money, so is paying me back £100 a week. He pays £30 housekeeping weekly. Has been insisting he'll get a flat 'cos it's too much to giove me! Anyway, works until about 10pm, most nights as the firm goes to Lonodn/Wales selling milk. Most nights he's in around 11pm, but over the last few weeks my "mummy radar" has been on, and I've told him I know he's up to something. Cue big smile and hug for me and no I'm not. We've been commenting on his thin ness for ages, but he's naturally skinny and strong. Black shadows under eyes, sleeping in till lunch, all teen typical stuff but know we know better. Hasn't been eating his tea t night, telling us he's had chips etc on way home. Sign of drugs, isn't it?

OP posts:
lilymolly · 10/05/2007 10:05

Oh my god, whyhim, I totally agree with fff.
I have skimmed over your thread, and you do not want to seem to confront him, which is exactly what my mam and dad cant do either. YOU MUST talk to him and sort this out, please it will be very hard, but you MUST do this asap.

lilymolly · 10/05/2007 10:06

cancel the phone

FiveFingeredFiend · 10/05/2007 10:07

is it me or does this not make any sense.

i said on Tuesday

Hold on.

you have gone from - your not sure he might be taking coke.

to he's a runner for the dealers.

to some big ugly men with knuckle dusters.

Now we are back to him not eating chips and being a bit skinny as your concern that he is drug taking?

lilymolly · 10/05/2007 10:08

If he can afford to buy drugs then he needs to pay you more than £100 per week

Original poster
whyhim · 10/05/2007 10:09

Have to go in a mon. FFF, myes my job is to bring him up right, but he's 17. He knows what's right and wrong and the other children don't know about this. I am bringing them up and they are fine. I am in shock, not scared of authority. We have phoned Frank, no help at all. Phoned a councellor, who told us to talk to him. What I want to do is smack him hard and tell him to grow up! Yes, I am concerned for me, dh and the others because DS1 is being his usual selfish self and dictating how our lives are going to go. Why should one stupid boy affect everything we're trying do achieve, children who respect us and a family unti that's strong? I am thinking about him, we never stop thinking about him, he's always the centre of attention in the house for one or other reason. The others get the backlash of his tempers and we get the worry of where he is. If he's late, we wait up because we love him and worry about him. I will talk to someone, but being on here is giving me ideas and I am not ready to contact the police until ds1 has had the chance to explain. If he denies everything, then we will think again. This is my son, I love him and I'm not blind. He's an idiot, but I still love him.

OP posts:
FiveFingeredFiend · 10/05/2007 10:12

so let us see.

You have no proof. just "hes skinny and said he ate chips" analogies.

Its ok for him to be a ducker and diver becuase erm.......his dad does it?

he owes you money

he gets bought anything he needs.

taken anywhere he wants

no discipline

Good to be him.

lilymolly · 10/05/2007 10:12

sounds like life revolves around him to be honest. again just like my brother. I think this needs to stop before your other children get involved. God hope you feel better soon

lilymolly · 10/05/2007 10:14

see 2 voices of reason please listen to our advice, and solve this problem before it gets worse.

Original poster
whyhim · 10/05/2007 10:14

I know he's taking coke, this other kid told us. I think he's getting drugs in return for collecting money off people. I don't know how much he's taking and I don't know where he's getting the money from. \He needs money to get to work and get food for the day. That's £5 a day for 6 days, he gets varying wages and gives me £100. He has tops £50 left for the week, so how does he get drugs? I looked at the websites on drugs and it's him to a tee. Lack of appetite is a classic sympton, weight loss and tiredness beyond normal. That's why I know he's in trouble, and I will confront him but as I said, I need more facts and I'm not leaving dh with 3 kids to tackle it on his own. DS comes in at 11, and I don';t thnk that's an ideal time to start yelling.

OP posts:
lilymolly · 10/05/2007 10:16

So tell him to take a day off work, set a day aside with you and dh whilst lo are at school, and "talk" to him where there are no distractions. You could even go to a Relate counseller where I am sure they do family counsilling, thus having a neutral third party mediating. But sounds like your making excuses not to confront him

Original poster
whyhim · 10/05/2007 10:17

His dad is a successful businessman, not a wide boy. ds gets nothing else from us, birthdays and xmas he gets the sam as the others. He gets a lift to work iof I'm around because it's 15 mins away, that's all. There is discipline in the he gets told not to talk badly to us, clear up his room, help with the others if he can. He's not as bad as some kids I know generally which is why we're so shocked about all this. He gets food, same as the others, a roof over his head and the same love as the others. What's so wrong with that?

OP posts:
Original poster
whyhim · 10/05/2007 10:18

I run my own business, I have no deputies. I haven't cancelled a class for five years because I can't get ill. I can't make him take a day off work. I'm his mum but he's not a little boy who'll do as he's told, especially if he thinks there's no problem. That's what so hard, he's nopt a child but he's acting like one.

OP posts:
lilymolly · 10/05/2007 10:20

Nothing wrong with that, but that would be the way you treat a child who is NOT taking drugs iyswim,
Without being harsh,, you are making excuses for him, You came on here to ask for help, and I am giving you the benefit of hindsight, cos it is happening to my brother who is 27, thats your son in 10 years time if you do not get this nipped in the bud

lilymolly · 10/05/2007 10:22

Excuses Excuses.......
We all have responsabilities. your son is the priority at the moment, and YES you should tell him what to do, he lives in your house.

Take a sat/sunday get rid of lo and TALK TO HIM.

PeachyChocolateEClair · 10/05/2007 10:24

Please whyhim don't panic.

If its the only ay you can get to talk to him, put a DVD on (a new one so they'll be interested if poss) fort he LO's downstairs and talk upstairs. the presence of the LO's in the house might just be what you need to make you stay calm.

he ahsn't ruined anyones life. he's 17, lots of people eff up at 17 (I did although not drugs) and then go on to have perfectly honest normal lives. What you do need to do now is establish a line of communication that stays open- by istening not chastising. It might be ahrd but its important

I wish you luck