I'm in total shock and I need help.

[whyhim]

Please help me, I have just found out that not only is my 17 son doing drugs, he's supposedly doing coke, but also he's hanging around in Nechells with dealers. Can't speak, have been sick and just don't know what to do. Have three other kids so can't have confrontation tonight. Also my ex, his dad, would wait around if I told him and probably come close to killing him. I'm ashamed of my son and realise that he has ruined our lives, but also those of his siblings.

PLEASE HELP ME

[chestnutty]

Whyhim - I know you changed your name for this rather destressing situtiom of this thread but any update?
I hope things are better.

[4mum]

dont let your feelings of shame take over.

going through the same thing with my little brother


its hell but you have to be there and give hugh amount of support,make sure you get loads of support yourself.


you have to be there for your kid or you will fave losing him.

really feel for you,but it can work out okay..

[Ally24]

I'm sure he hasn't ruined everyones lives, perhaps he has problems which need dealing with in a caring way even if he is doing drugs now it could just be a very short phase.

[bellarosa]

Hi WHYHIM,

Please get in touch with Famalies Anonymous
www.famanon.org.uk

They are an organisation set up to offer support and advice to parents, partners and family members of drug users. They have been an invaluable source of support and a real life line for me over the years. you can call them, and there are discussion forums like this one and also meetings which you can attend.

Sending you love and courage for the journey ahead.
x

[lijaco15]

I have had personal experience with my son and drugs. He was doing cannabis and recreational. I contacted social services when he was 16 years and they weren't interested. There seems to be no help available. My son is 17 years now. He started dabbling around the age of 14 years and I didn't have a clue. My son became involved with dealers also. It is awful because the dealers target kids, in parks and around schools. All the local telephone boxes are used to buy from. I didn't realise that things were that bad!! Until it affected us and my son.

[3littlefrogs]

Thank God I never reached that stage - I can see how it can happen all too easily though. Every secondary school in this country has a drug problem, and it doesn't matter how posh or otherwise. Anyone who doesn't believe that is deluding themselves. It is a case of keeping your child from being sucked in that is the challenge that parents face.

[themoon66]

3littlefrogs.... my friend who had the drug dealing son used to come to work with her Ford Fiesta full of household stuff, to stop him selling it. She could never give anyone a lift coz the back seat had to hold microwave, telly, stereo, coffee machine, and her Crown Derby teaset!

[rabbleraiser]

Whyhim, sometimes it helps to know that someone else has gone through a similar experience.

My dp has four children, all much older than the little boy we have together. His ds1 had, admittedly, always been quite hard work in relation to the others.

Any way, last year we found out that the police had raided the house he lived in with his mum and siblings, and taken away the evidence they needed to prosecute him for drug dealing.

To cut a long story short, he was convicted, and was given a two year suspended sentence. It was a short sharp shock, and it's extremely unlikely that he'll ever do it again.

My point is that he comes from a good home, with great parents, and his prospects had been good. It was a shock, to say the least, and there was much hand-wringing about whether the parenting was to blame.

Truly, it wasn't. Drugs are out there, and there but for the grace of God go all of us. By all means get him/the dealer/whomever, arrested if you think it will help. What you're going through is utter crap, and my words aren't going to help.

But you're not a crap mum.

[whyhim]

Thank you so much.

[LilRedWG]

Whyhim, I'm afraid I have no practical advice for you - you've got some great advice from everyone else though. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.

[whyhim]

What I needed was advice and also care. Thank you everyone for posting. Ds is definitely suspicious now, because when he got home last night he told DH he needed his space and was moving out to s £60 week furnished flat. I have spent today smiling at people, working 9-5. I have to do Sat and Sun too. My heart is breaking-I feel numb. We are going to talk to him tonight when we've written down what we want to sasy. Then tomorrow, when he's gone to work, my dh will tell my ex. He can't come round and shout because ds won't be here and by the time ds gets home, I will be too. We have not slept for three night, I feel sick and kind of feel that if I go to bed now, things will go away. I know they won't but ds made me a coffee yesterday when I was talking to the hospital about my dad.He was so nice to me and I wanted to smack him one and tell him he's a two faced He doesn't know for sure we know, but he's changed his handset and hidden his sim card (I checked). He must be worrying that he's been dobbed in and I will if that's what it takes to get him away from this shitty dealer. DS told dh this am that he's going to work mornings as well, becasue *is and has the van. Guess what, I don't think they'll be selling windows?! They'll be travelling round collecting drug money. If ds doesn't get straight, I am thinking of getting police involved and getting dealer arrested.

[3littlefrogs]

I agree totally with bananabump. I have hesitated about posting, because you have had some good advice already.

Being the parent of a teenager is really hard. Toddlers are much, much easier, yet, sadly there is hardly any support out there.

I have been in a situation where I had to lock ds in the house, confiscate (ie remove when he was in the shower)his mobile phone, wallet and keys, unplug the house phone and lock it in the boot of my car, for a week.

I remember sitting in the car, round the corner from work, sobbing down the phone to a drugs counsellor, trying to pull myself together to go in to work to look after 4 seriously ill people.

I know how hard it is when you have so many committments, but you need to deal with this
now, because if you don't it will get worse.

TBH, being sent to stay with his father, might be the best and safest option for all of you. Getting him out of the area, away from the people who are controlling him is the answer.

I really hope you can get through this.

[bananabump]

Been following the thread, it's such a difficult situation, isn't it! Really feel for you.

Are you certain that when you speak to him that it will end in a massive shouting match? is it unavoidable? I'm not saying you can have a quiet little chat over a cuppa and it'll all be over, but I think anticipating that it's going to go nuclear isn;t going to help.

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment: He has these new friends. Cooler, harder friends- he's feeling pretty tough, it's exciting. He loves you and the family but you're a drag in comparison to that lifestyle. However, he doesn't want to give up the safety of home altogether, and he's going to lengths to make sure you don't find out about his habits. He's anticipating that when you find out, you'll go mad, scream, shout, kick him out of the house etc

But you're the parent, you can choose how to react, and how to proceed. You can choose to scream, shout, call him names, accuse him of ruining all your lives, and you'd be in the right BUT you'd isolate him and just make him run.

What you need to do is get the children out of the house for the night, then when he comes home, sit him down and tell him you're worried about him. Speak quietly, and try for eye contact. Just tell him you've been noticing he's lost weight, doesn't seem himself, and youre concerned that he's taking drugs. I know you said you've asked him before and he fobs you off, so when he does that, tell him that you have heard from someone that he's been spending time with dealers, and that you've heard he's doing coke.

Of course he's going to deny it, but tell him there's no point and it's too late for it. You know there's something wrong, and you're very frightened, not only for his health and safety, but for the safety of the family and your other children. You need to make him aware that he isn't just having a laugh and making money, he's endangering his family. Ask him how he would feel if he owed money, and came home to find one of you beaten up, or the house smashed to bits.

Try to have your partner there, and without manhandling him, try to keep him in the house, just quietly insisting that this needs to be discussed now, and if it isn't then you'll have to contact the police. Tell him you can either help him now, or you'll have make decisions on his behalf, and he won't like them.

Was just a thought but do you have any relatives far away where you could send him for a few weeks/months while things calm down? Perhaps someone in the countryside. I have no idea of your financial situation, but if you could afford to do without his wage for a while, and send some money to your relative to keep him? Of course you'd need to make sure he'd paid his debts first or they might come round looking for him.

Sorry such a long post but I think what someone said earlier was correct. Your son isn't a shit, he's a teenager doing shitty things. All is not lost, but you need to be very careful how you approach this.

[themoon66]

My friend's lad was dealing anything he could... coke, dope, heroin, glue, prescription stuff.

[whyhim]

Just a quickie, he's not back yet and supposedly been to Wiltshire for work so back at 11ish. mum! The moon, sorry but eas the kid dealing coke or dope? Makes a big difference according to the police guy I spoke to this morning.
Thanks for listening

[themoon66]

He's unlikely to get life for dealing. The prisons are full to bursting and policy is to keep people out.

My friend's son has been busted for dealing twice... first time got suspended sentence and a fine of £900 (which his mum paid - even though she was skint), second bust got him 2 years inside..... he was out in 18 months. He could have been out in a year if he agreed to tagging, but he prefered life inside!

[penmack]

whyhim the bottom line is you need to have it out with him, it is a hard thing to face up to but it has to be done. he might run off but he might not. as someone else said he might of got himself into a situation he cant get out of. he may run off in a flounce but he'll come back.its hard but it has to be done . hope it goes ok

[PeachyChocolateEClair]

You have no evidence hes been dealing, one persons say so when they are cornered is not evidence

you need to ask him before you get panicking about that

[whyhim]

it's coke so minimum 5, 8 max i think. Dealing, huge fine and poss life. Doiesn't bear thinking about it, but if my son's drugs killed someone, that's muder[sad

[UCM]

Good luck Whyhim. I am afraid that I think that telling his dad is the right thing as his deal may deal with it more practically, in a non emotive sort of way. At least the initial problems will be sorted out and then you can concentrate on building your relationship up with him IYKWIM.

[PeachyChocolateEClair]

8 Years?? REALLY? that sounds a bit long for possession (dealing being a different matter)


Blimey

[whyhim]

Right spoken to policeman, nice guy and wouldn't give name etc, just told him the story. He suggested talking to my son first and then if all else fails, shop him. BUT he will get a custodial sentence, at least 8 years for possession and life for dealing. Just because he's 17 they won't go lightly on him and he will go to an adult prison. I'm going to talk to my dh now and then talk to my son tomorrow night. I'll be home earlier and can ask him to get straight back from work and not go out for a drink afterwards. I will then talk to his dad, when I know what my sons reasons/feelings are.

[Vev]

Do you really want this life for your son - help him. Tell his father - send him to his fathers if that'll get him away from his dealer mate.

He's going to end up in a whole heap of trouble of his own making even if you don't shop him to the police.

Dealers and their runners are the scum of the earth and that's why there's such a big problem with drugs these days.

Help him now.

[whyhim]

got to work, back lster. thanks all.

[PeachyChocolateEClair]

Please whyhim don't panic.

If its the only ay you can get to talk to him, put a DVD on (a new one so they'll be interested if poss) fort he LO's downstairs and talk upstairs. the presence of the LO's in the house might just be what you need to make you stay calm.

he ahsn't ruined anyones life. he's 17, lots of people eff up at 17 (I did although not drugs) and then go on to have perfectly honest normal lives. What you do need to do now is establish a line of communication that stays open- by istening not chastising. It might be ahrd but its important

I wish you luck