I'm in total shock and I need help.

[whyhim]

Please help me, I have just found out that not only is my 17 son doing drugs, he's supposedly doing coke, but also he's hanging around in Nechells with dealers. Can't speak, have been sick and just don't know what to do. Have three other kids so can't have confrontation tonight. Also my ex, his dad, would wait around if I told him and probably come close to killing him. I'm ashamed of my son and realise that he has ruined our lives, but also those of his siblings.

PLEASE HELP ME

Not much sleep, was up at 4. Both of us are shocked and too busy at work to stop! We have half an hour this am to look at websites so will try adfam, thanks. He did come home last night, late as usual, muttering about missing two buses. We didn't mention it at all 'cos it was too late.

bump

Hi whyhim. I just want to say that you should listen to your son before you do anything or decide anything.
When I was his age a 'friend' was dealing drugs and when her parents confronted her she told them it was me.
I ended up in a hell of a lot of trouble with college, the police and my family when I had done nothing but be friends with the wrong person.

I am not in any way saying your son is innocent, but you are basing your fears on hearsay from 1 other boy, who hasn't spoken to him in ages and a 17 year old acting odd. He may well be up to something, and experimenting with drugs is not the end of the world, but please be aware that it may not be as bad as it seems.

Good luck

I don't have a teenage son but I think chirpy has a point - let him explain himself and also seek some help for you all.

Sorry, that didn't sound very sympathetic as I am on my way out but I do feel for you and I hope it works out.

My DTS are only 3yo so have no experience but I grew up near Nechells and I feel for you. Nechells is social wasteland - full of single mothers, errant fathers, high percentage of the unemployables, drug dealers, feral kids - you get the picture.

If I still lived in Birmingham, I would have moved 20 miles away from that place because I want my DTS to have a chance.

I think you need to sit down with your DS, listen to what he has to say and then come up with a plan to get him away from that hell hole.

You have my sincere sympathy. Good luck.

Please find 'real life' help locally. Someone - local school, social services, yellow pages - will direct you to someone to talk to. You need someone who knows the area and someone who will help you in how to handle things. Good luck.

whyhim

We have been through exactly the same with my nephew. Firstly, It doesnt matter how he was brought up, if he is gonna go and try drugs he will. My nephew was fine til they moved to a rougher area and got in with a wrong crowd and unfortunatley his best friends dad was/is a dealer. My nephew again was a runner for a (different) dealer. He has alson been a guinea pig for the "new" concoctions (sp??) that his friends dad would make. He has even admitted buying a £30 bag of crack and not really knowing what to do with it, he took it home and took the lot in one go.

My beautiful clever nephew was replaced with this greacy skinny gray person who didnt know us anymore, and its so painful to watch.

His mother threw him out because he was stealing from her and his sisters and my parents took him (not wanting to see him on the streets) and he did the same to them, my mother was tidying his room one day and found some of her jewellery that he had stashed for when he needed to cash it in.

It got to the stage where everyone dis-owned him.

Eventually christmas last year his mother let him go back home but was stealing from her to pay for his habit again, so she shopped him to the police and that was the reality shock that he needed. He spent a weekend in Pentonville prison, bumped into an old dealer friend (that he had skimped money from) and took a huge beating from him.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. He moved in with my parents (who now live in a different area) and has been clean since february. I know its not a long time but its a start. He started dabbling in drugs when he was 11 and he is now 21. He is currently serving 4 months in prison for stealing from his mother (and i will never forgive her for sending him to prison), if she had helped him in the first place rather then kicking him out of the house and making it someone elses problem, then he would never be where he is now.

He has a home with my parents to come back to and also a job (that he had only been at for 3 days when he was sent to prison).

Its gonna be a long road for you all, but please do not give up on him. My nephew is now the wonderful lad that I always knew was inside him, and I miss him so much (27 days til he comes home)

Sorry its so long but just wanted to let you know that your not alone.

wurlywurly, surely it wasnt actually your sisiter who sent him to prison , it was the things that he did that put him there. my brother was a heroin addict for many years and parents have some difficault choices to make. if he was stealing to feed his habit the chances are he would of ended up in prison sooner or later. sometimes it is the reality check that can turn things around for people

i understand that she didnt actually put him there, but i do feel that she didnt do enough to support him. But she told him from the age of 11 (before he ever tried drugs) that she never wanted him and that she only ever wanted his sisters. Do believe that him taking drugs was just to blur what he was missing at home also he had to cope with his youngest sister being diagnosed with leukemia, i'm not saying that everyone with problems should just blur their life with drug, but i know thats what he did.

Oh and since he has moved with my parents and got himself clean his mother hasnt got in contact once, as soon as he was sent to prison she was on the phone to governers demanding a visiting order.

OK firstly we're not living in Nechells. Secondly he went to a posh school (ex h choice not mine) where guess what, spoilt little rich kids took drugs. I don't think he did then, and today has totally altered our lives. Lady who dobbed him (no name obv) phoned me today and told me that he had phoned her son again this morning, asking for the cash that's owed. She knows her son has this debt to pay (for dope) and is willing to pay it for him. The bit that hurts is she phoned my son this morning to tell him that she will pay her son's debt, in order to keep my son safe. She bollocked him, having known him for ages and told him he's basically a good kid and to stop before he or someone else gets hurt. He denied everything, lied through his teeth and then texted her kid asking for his money! According to her this stuff has been going serious for 8 months at least. His friend that's moved to Devon (who app. introduced him to coke) owes my son loads of money and my son harrasses him every time he comes up from Devon. This kind mum told me that if I leave him to the mercies of my ex, who will react badly and prob. beat him up, that we will lose my son 'cos he'll go to this dealer and stay there. Then we'll have lost him for good. She has told my son she will pay"her" debt if he leaves this dealer alone and promises that her son/house/car won't be damaged. I am so ashamed of my son, for lying to me, selling drugs and causing distress to other famnilies and mine. My dh and I are wandering round in a dream Her son app. has begged mine to give up coke but he won't. Her son was actually going to phone me and let me know what was going on but was afraid that the "big" dealer would hurt him. His mum thinks he's nearly ready to tell me how m,uch and how long my son's stuff has been going on. My dh and me are going to tackle him tonight about it but I'm so ready for bed. No sleep last night, really. He will deny everything and where we will go from there?I'm scared that one day he won't come home, 'cos he's been too gobby...

Sorry very long post but there is no-one in R/L I would talk to about this. I texted himtoday and askd if he was at work and did he have a key. Not a flicker so he doesn't know yet that this other mum has talked to me. App. he's in London and will be home at 10.15pm!! I'm scared that he'll walk out and we'll have another nigth with no sleep looking for him He prob thinks other mum won't have phoned me so he's in for a shock Why can't babies stay that way and not break your hearts?

bump and putting littles one to bed Where did my oldest baby go?

fingers crossed for this evening xx

Thanks, have a new strategy, Have both decided not to mention it and let him stew. He's phoned to say he's going round to friends (who owes him money!) and will be in at 11pm. What's scary to me is he's not a runaway, he's not a teen dad, he's "just" doing drugs. I think I could def cope with gay..or beinga teen dad...I could cope with him doing drugs but what I can't cope with is him selling/dealing. That's scum and that's my boy.....(who might be selling to your boy/girl in the furture). I'm sorry.

Can you keep him in once he comes home.

whyhim, I apologise for not reading the whole thread - putting children to bed now. Just had to ask you, please don't lock him out or freeze him out of your lives.

I was a 17 year old on drugs, coke being one of them and I was from a 'good' home. Looking back, it was a cry for help. I was so unhappy and needed my mother more than anything - didn't see it at the time though. If she'd of turned her back on me I don't know what I'd of done.

I understand you're hurting. My guess is, he is too.

Police? did you phone social services?

Still haven't mentioned it. JoanC, can I ask why you were unhappy? My son has great hols with his dad, lots of stuff in his room, he knows he's loved 'cos he hugs me etc. He's not an unhappy teen thats resorted to coke, he's very weak willed and a sheep! Always has been, followed the bad boys at school etc and always wants to be part of whatever gang is going on. Flits from drums, to whstever, to a mixing deck, 'cos he wants them and within reason and the birthday money limit we have here, he gets lots. Seems happy enough when he's chatting to his mates but his mates change with whatever he's doing. I am just starting to come out of the numb bit and now I actually physically hurt. I have the sort of job where I have to smile all day and my face aches. I just want to strt again with him as a baby and maybe this time I'll do a better job. I know he's been allowed to get away with some stuff but we're parents of four ont one, and sometimes you can't be as consistent as you'd like. I am hovering outside a door at the moment, if I open that door all our lives will change. I don't want him to leave 'cos he'll go straight to his dealer mates but I want him to stop doing coke, stop selling and get a life and some respect for himself and us!

so sorry this is happening. I can see how your mind is racing through all the possibilities. Mine would be too - I'd be just like you.

I think it's probably for the best that this other mother and her son are telling you things - their side at least. I think you are right to assume the son may be editing the truth a lot, but at least it is one version of events. The more info you can get hold of, the better prepared you are to have a talk to your son. If you can see progress in fact finding, just concentrate on that for the next few days, it might help? You are breaking the problem down into smaller chunks, not trying to solve everything all at once.

The more your son realises you know things from other people, the less easy it is to lie. You could do the thing where you ask for his side of the story, let him speak then tell him your side filled in with the info you have got. Or first off, tell him 'you know everything about netchells - people have talked'. Let his assume you really do know 'everything' and see what he says.

I hope the helplines give you hope - I have seen lots of friends come out of a drug using phase in their twenties (including those who dabbled in dealing) and go on to lead happy, responsible lives settling down with families and careers.

I can see you are really busy for now, but can you and your partner somehow arrange some time off in the near future, just so you know you have a release from the pressure of your work. That might help get you through these worrying, stressful days and nights.

take lots of care xx

I keep crying for no reason It's feels like he's left me already. This other mum has been great, her son app. wanted to tell me about mine ages ago but felt a misguided loyalty. It's so shaming-this other mum phoned my son yesterday, while I was in the house teaching and told him that she would pay the money he was asking for. We're not sure if he's dealing direct but he's around this desler and they sold dope to her son, togeher. My son was there. She also told my son that she cared about him and that was one of the reasons she was paying, so he didn't get grief off the dealers but that as he's only 17, she would tell me. App. he lied through his teeth about evrything, denied everything to her. She told him that she's heard rumours about him since Sept and that she warned him then that he was hanging around with a really bad crowd. She tells off all the kids and checks up on her constantly. Since he's run up this bill, she's lost all her trust in him again. She is such a great woman, I'm really grateful that she phoned but I feel sick, numb and ashamed that someone else knew about this and we didn't. We're putting off the confrontation thing because if he denies it, then what? Wedon't want him leaving home in a pretend huff and going straight to this dealer guy to live. Also we are really scared that if we manage to stop him using and leave the dealers well alone, there'll be repercussions here. They know where he lives and if anything happened to my other kids because of this I would die. Am out working all day Fri Sat and Sun so we're not talking to him until after that, 'cos then dh has all the kids on hisown and we don't want any nasty phonecalls or visits. This dealer is threatening the other kids, using my son's mobile!! My son is then, from what I can see, collecting the money. He's harrassing other friends too, who owe him money. I also think I know who got him into coke, a guy I thought was a good freind to him. How worng can I be?

now is really a time to be as supportive as you can of your son. as much as you may think you feel ashamed and disappointed and scared, you have to be strong and confident. your son has some problems he needs help sorting out, and he obviously needs some external help, not necessarily that of a helpline (that would be help for you), but your help.
if you plan to talk to him, make sure you are prepared to tell him that you are not ashamed of him, you want to help him get out of this, you are willing to offer to help pay back his debts, as long as he promises to do things that will help himself too (like a new job nearby, not hanging out with certain people etc).
could be he just got in over his head and has no way of getting out of it now. would be the worst if you too would let him down

Police, social services?

Can I please give you a tale of my brother.
he is 27 and is adicted to coke, he steals from my mam and dad, broke into their shop and stole the taking, took thier xmas money, takes coke in his room, then calls police to report burglers in the house cos he is hallucinating, whilst my mam and dad sleep. They have just retired, and have a nightmare time. They had to pay £3000 to pay his dealers debt.
However, they just wont face up to the problem, and when he comes home, (as he works away 2 weekly) he tells them he no longer takes it?? and they believe it.

IMO they molly coddle him, he pays no board, has never offered to pay any money back to them, and has made no attempt to buy/rent his own home. Therefore has shown no responsabilty for his actions, and is living life as a teeneager, even though he is 27 ffs.

Now I have not read the whole thread, and I am not critising you in any way, but please act now and nip this in the bud. as I fear he may have an underlying problem.
I am convinced my Brother has depression, and uses drugs as a way out, their is a family history of depression/anxiety. Its sounds like your son, may have some difficultys with life, and is using drugs as an escape.
Please get professional help, and crack this before it gets any worse.
I really, really hope you get thru this.