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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16yr old daughter moved out for no reason

127 replies

724Llama · 12/02/2018 06:23

My first time here, I'm lost!
My 16yr old daughter moved out whilst I was out of the house, I came home to a letter!!!! We txt morning/night everyday, she living with her boyfriend & his family(the mother didn't even advise her to come home?!?) I see her every Sunday and am trying to maintain some kind of relationship. My main question.... when she moved out she took minimal belongings, she came home for the day yesterday and asked to take more items. I said she could take anything she bought or boyfriends & family bought for her! I said no to all the expensive items we bought her (Xbox, laptop, clothes, GHDs etc)! She does have a lot of clothes with her! This caused a lot of upset and an extremely miserable child for the rest of the day! Now I'm thinking I should allow her more clothes? Advice please, thank you.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 13/02/2018 19:50

What happens when she decides not to go to school anymore? Wants to come on holiday with you? Takes the nice bits? What about when she needs new clothes and shoes?

Does his mother know she's taking on this responsibility?

HackAttack · 13/02/2018 19:56

There is a tone to your messages that I can't quite put my finger on. Strangely immature and not the way you'd expect a parent to talk about a child. There is something you aren't sharing. If you aren't honest the advice won't mean anything.

mathanxiety · 13/02/2018 19:58

I think you should let her have her clothes.

But the Xbox and other stuff - that should stay.

Let's see how long her bf wants her without the toys.

Also, while she is legally entitled to live with whoever will take her in at 16, what she has done is silly and immature. The idea that she has a real home is important and you should reinforce that by keeping the stuff at home.

Your idea that she doesn't deserve it after the way she has treated you is silly and immature too.

Original poster
724Llama · 13/02/2018 20:04

Hackattack....apologises for any tone, no tone meant! This has andvis a real shock to the system that I'm desperately trying my best to adjust too.

To put it into context, I honestly thought I was being the best mum I could possibly be. Daughter was well loved, appeared to be happy, had attention & also time to herself. Days out and holidays were discussed, she helped out around the house. We were I thought, doing ok(I wanted to write perfect, but no ones perfect!) and then BAMM this happened!

I've offered her to still go on holiday this year if she wanted too but she declined!

OP posts:
Estellanpip · 13/02/2018 20:11

You've taken it personally as if it's a reflection of your parenting. It probably isn't about you. It could be the novelty of the boyfriend/his family/being able to wake up with him in a morning.
At 16, the relationship is unlikely to last. Don't alienate her by resorting to childish measures i.e., not letting her have her possessions, badmouthing the boy's mother, saying she had your unconditional love (that goes without saying, you're her mum).
She'll be back.

Original poster
724Llama · 13/02/2018 20:21

Thank you estellanpip. The hardest thing has been not to blame myself!

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 13/02/2018 21:34

I was in your position albeit my daughter waited until she was just 18 to move out but to be hinest the years between 16 and 18 were hell and our relationship was becoming very fractured. She moved in with his family, 6 months later rented their own place and 6 months after that bought their first house. Our relationship is amazing now. I appreciate she was 18 not 16 but as a mum I think I was feeling much as you do. My advice is let her go and continue to love and (emotionally) support.

shedalight · 14/02/2018 07:45

Op.
Single parent here. My lovely daughter gave me a very hard time when she was younger and had a boyfriend from a big warm family. Wealthy, stay at home Mum who baked cakes etc, siblings, grandparents, they all adored her and she looked at our small family - and found me wanting. I was a single working parent. I really struggled not to be hurt (I actually was very hurt but tried not to show it).

In the end she admitted that she'd stayed in a fairly shit relationship because she loved the family more than the boyfriend Sad.

Well done for getting to this stage. I had to bite my lip for so long. But of course it eventually panned out that this 'idyllic' family was a hotbed of harmful secrets, abusive behaviour, alcoholics and the poor boy was a mess because of it. She learnt a lot about families which I could never have taught her and I managed not to say "I told you so".
I think you're doing the right thing. Good luck.

BlindLemonAlley · 14/02/2018 08:18

I think what Shedalight said about the attraction being the buzz of a big warm family and perhaps the fact BFs DM is more permissive about things like them sleeping together is key to all of this. His DM must be pretty laid back to allow his GF to move in just before they both sit GCSEs. I can’t imagine this is something many parents would be happy about.

Other people’s homes and family can seem very attractive compared to your own boring home when you are a teen, especially if their parents are ‘cool’. OP mentioned lots of people popping in and that her DD enjoyed the drama of all this. I think in time, as she gets to know the family better the novelty of this stuff might wear off. Keep the door open OP.

JDilla · 15/02/2018 00:25

It seems there's a lot more to this story that you are saying, you must have done something to make her want to move out so much.

Bahhhhhumbug · 15/02/2018 01:00

I agree there must be some reason or maybe your DP and her don't get on as much as you think. As for it being her idea you to move out when she is 18 then clearly she doesn't want to be around one of you and now it looks like she couldn't even wait till she was 18.

Godowneasy · 15/02/2018 01:44

I can't believe that most people are so accepting of this young schoolgirl going off to live at her bf's parents house at the drop of a hat. It's ridiculous of the bf's parents to allow it when there are no over riding factors why she needs to move into their home!
She's a teenager- most teenagers and their parents have regular ups and downs- it's the nature of the beast!

It's not acceptable that she just ups and leaves because she thinks she wants to live with her boyfriend. It puts her in a more vulnerable position than living at home with her mother, and possibly jeopardises her school work and up coming GCSE's, and could impact heavily on her subsequent life.

What could possibly go wrong!!!! facepalm
Just what the fuck does the bf's mother think she is doing in allowing this to happen, without very good reasons and discussion with the girl's mother?
By all means, offer a little respite if things are tough at home (which they don't sound particularly unusual or difficult) but just letting her move in indefinitely is a very poor judgement call indeed in my opinion.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2018 07:08

Agree 100% Godowneasy.

Original poster
724Llama · 16/02/2018 06:41

Godowneasy, blindlemonalley, shedalight....thank you!!

I'm dying inside and struggling. I understand the frustrations of others on here that maybe I'm holding back but I can assure you as bizarre as it sounds I've said everything!

My partner and I were discussing this again last night and my new analogy is 'we're old toys' like Woody in Toy Story! She's got her dad back in her life who's throwing money at her every week, she's in her BF every night so obviously acting like a queen at school to her peers! They're her Buzz Lightyears!

This analogy is what's going to keep me sane!!

Looking forward to a lovely day with daughter today, I'm still taking her to her college interview, she's chose somewhere nice for lunch, I'm hoping for a good day!!!

I truly appreciate everyone's advice/support!

OP posts:
Original poster
724Llama · 16/02/2018 06:41

*in her BF bed every night!

OP posts:
Dancinggoat · 16/02/2018 07:06

My D spent most of the week at her BF at that age. Not moved out but just about.
She spent a lot of time saying how wonderful BF family were and copied their ways and outlook on life.
It lasted two years. She felt real anger towards us. Then she matured and now many years on can't believe how she felt and acted.
It's the hormones causing them to want to separate and become independent from you.
It was an awful couple of years.
Hopefully yours won't last as long , I really feel for you.

Godowneasy · 16/02/2018 09:25

I think you need to to speak to her school and to the BF's mother again.
Are they at the same school? If so, I'd ask the school whether they'd intervene and have a meeting with yourself and BF mum in which the school express concerns about the situation.

lucylouuu · 16/02/2018 13:08

I hope you have a nice day with your DD today OP

Supermagicsmile · 16/02/2018 18:37

Hope you had a good day with her op :)

Original poster
724Llama · 17/02/2018 04:30

I had a meeting with school the day after this happened, they were extremely shocked & very concerned. We've kept up regular contact but as she's 16, nothing they can do!
I will not speak to the mother as will be w waste of time. She's a 2 faced flake controlled her son!

We had a lovely time yesterday, think it helped as it was a neutral location! We even had giggles like previously! We parted on a high which was lovely.

OP posts:
toastyarmadillo · 17/02/2018 04:58

Sorry your going through this, sounds incredibly stressful for all involved parties. All you can do is keep the door open, teenage relationships rarely last the course and she may find the grass really isn't any greener living with her BF.

Thinking about the practical side of things. I am wondering if you would be liable for some kind of child maintenance to support your DD, at least while she remains in full time education? It's something that should probably be investigated, as is the legality of claiming anything like child benefit or tax credits etc that she's included on?

Would it be worth contacting social services to ensure that she's genuinely safe living there, obviously I am not suggesting she isn't! I would suspect SS involvement or discussing financial effects may be enough to put BF mum off the whole idea? If she's moving out it should be done officially and involve informing the right people. Good job contacting the school.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 17/02/2018 04:58

Unconditional love and acceptance.

hollowtree · 17/02/2018 05:20

From your DDs perspective: I was an extremely independent teenager and had my first serious BF at 15 and he was 17. We were together till I was 18 and stayed good friends.

My parents were so unkind without realising it that I just outgrew them at a really young age. I'm not saying that's what happened here but it was my reason for going

Proudmummytodc2 · 17/02/2018 07:24

I haven't RTFT

I moved out at 16( I had finished school I was in college I was younger than everyone else because of when my birthday fell) so slightly different from your daughter and moved in to my own flat with my now DP.

My mum and dad always maintained I was just grown up for my age and had my own life already planned ect

But reality is I have a whole list of things that made me move out and it was all to
do with their behaviour and attitude towards me.

See to be honest with you if you acted the way you are acting just now with her stuff when she stayed with you it's no wonder she left,it probably to get away from you as you sound nasty and spiteful.

I don't think your as innocent as your making out to be.

Original poster
724Llama · 17/02/2018 07:38

Thanks toastyarmidillo, I'm forntunaye enough to have an awesome friend (ex manager) who is fully qualified social worker and continues to work in children's services; I've been taking advice from her since day 1. I've also worked in a children's centre for over 10 yrs do have a good understanding of safeguarding. I did ask the school to contact SS & complete a M.A.S.H, they did but it didn't reach threshold as she's considered safe.

Proudymummytodc2, not quite sure how's you've formed such a horrid opinion of me? I started this post for advice & very quickly realised I'd made a mistake withholding her belongings, I was a very distressed mum! If you care to read the rest of the posts you'll read that we continue have a good relationship. My daughter obviously doesn't think of me as nasty so I'd request you keep your hurtful shallow opinions to yourself, thank you!

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