Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

16yr old daughter moved out for no reason

127 replies

724Llama · 12/02/2018 06:23

My first time here, I'm lost!
My 16yr old daughter moved out whilst I was out of the house, I came home to a letter!!!! We txt morning/night everyday, she living with her boyfriend & his family(the mother didn't even advise her to come home?!?) I see her every Sunday and am trying to maintain some kind of relationship. My main question.... when she moved out she took minimal belongings, she came home for the day yesterday and asked to take more items. I said she could take anything she bought or boyfriends & family bought for her! I said no to all the expensive items we bought her (Xbox, laptop, clothes, GHDs etc)! She does have a lot of clothes with her! This caused a lot of upset and an extremely miserable child for the rest of the day! Now I'm thinking I should allow her more clothes? Advice please, thank you.

OP posts:

FreeFolk · 12/02/2018 19:17

I moved out of my dads house at 16 with just the clothes I was wearing and whatever I could stuff into the largest handbag I could find. He wouldn’t let be retrieve anything else, but later binned it all as he didn’t want it taking up space.

20 years later I still think about all my stuff I lost. It was the final nail in the coffin for me to cut all contact.

It is a shitty thing to withhold her belongings OP.

italiancortado · 12/02/2018 19:22

So she moved in with her boyfriends family at 15 years old but you didn't think to go there and speak to them and bring her home?

PersianCatLady · 12/02/2018 19:25

When I left home at 16 my Mum didn't let me take things that she had given me as gifts with me.

TBH it was fucking mean and it made my life really miserable.

Even now I still remember how awful it was to have nothing but knowing that I was not allowed my own possessions.

Stop being like my Mum.

picklemepopcorn · 12/02/2018 19:35

I'm a bit shocked everyone thinks it's ok for her to move out at 16. Presumably, parents still have responsibility for her up until 18.

Also, I think it's reasonable to try to protect some of her belongings especially If OP suspects his family are controlling.

I think she needs her personal items, GHDs, clothes etc. Ask her not to take all the valuable items. Point out they may not be covered under the family 's insurance.

italiancortado · 12/02/2018 20:01

Also, I think it's reasonable to try to protect some of her belongings especially If OP suspects his family are controlling.

Fuck that. Surely it would be more reasonable to try and protect the daughter, not her stuff

Riverside2 · 12/02/2018 20:08

OP I suspect the fact you wouldn't let her take her own things because she didn't "deserve" them, in your view, will have a lot to do with this.

It sounds like you don't really know why she moved out and you will need to take a long hard look at yourself. Perhaps she couldn't face telling anyone the real reasons she's moved.

I think it sounds quite extreme that she's moved out and also contacted her dad after a long period of no contact. She was clearly absolutely desperate to leave.

so you need to address why that is. I suspect you know but you are just in denial at the moment.

Mum2jenny · 12/02/2018 21:03

I'm guessing she was so desperate to get out, it was worth it ( in your dd's opinion). No idea why she made the decision but your controlling ways wouldn't have helped.

picklemepopcorn · 12/02/2018 22:04

Italian, I imagine there isn't anything left she can do to protect her DD. She can make sure that if DD comes home in a hurry, she will still have some of her clothes and belongings to come back to.

I'm quite surprised everyone else thinks OP should just let her go and get on with it.

rollingonariver · 13/02/2018 06:56

I moved out at 17 because my mum was incredibly selfish, I was actually living with my dad at the time but she had ruined everything. In theory I got along well with both parents, in practice I needed my own space to feel like a human.
Let her have her things. She probably already thinks you're controlling / a bitch etc (not saying you are but as a teen you're very self centred). She's probably moved out for good tbh op, I never went back just try and be as supportive as possible.
She's been saying something to her bf's parents otherwise they'd be saying she needs to go back? There's definitely a reason for this.

blueskypink · 13/02/2018 07:45

I'm quite surprised everyone else thinks OP should just let her go and get on with it.

And how exactly do you think the op should have stopped her?

BeyondThePage · 13/02/2018 07:47

Those people saying go and get her back, or why do people think it is ok to move out at 16...

What would you do?

If your child is bigger than you, stronger than you, defiant and unwilling to go with you, telling others that they just can't put up with it any more (not necessarily telling the truth - but who would not give them the benefit of the doubt) - WHAT would you do?

BitOutOfPractice · 13/02/2018 07:52

If you give someone something as a gift, it belongs to them. Both morally and legally.

I know you're hurting but punishing her like this will not hasten any return home

italiancortado · 13/02/2018 08:23

Italian, I imagine there isn't anything left she can do to protect her DD

That's absolute bollocks.

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 08:53

I realise you can't stop a (just) 16 yr old from doing what she is determined to do. Which is why I said there isn't a lot OP can do to protect her now.

I'm surprised by how unconcerned people are about it. If my DS had left at 16 I'd have worried enormously. When people post about wanting their child's belongings out of the house, repurposing their bedroom when they go to uni etc, posters tend to disapprove 'pushing a child out of their home'.

If I'd left, and my mum helped me pack the last of my stuff and waved me off, I'd have been gutted.

Keeping some of her daughter's stuff in her room shows that she'll always have a home to come back to, if she needs it.

I do think some of you are being harsh in assuming OP is the mother from hell.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/02/2018 09:09

You need to speak to the boyfriends parents, let them know that you are aware that they allowed their DS to sleep with his 15 year old girlfriend, and you are very unhappy about it. Then leave.
Your DD may well return home, as they will be very concerned about what you might do next.
You've got to stay strong and put on a front, although I'm sure you must be gutted. Remember, it's pretty hard being sixteen ! 🌺

Original poster

724Llama · 13/02/2018 09:50

Wow! Thank you so much for some really great advice! Little notice taken of negative judgemental comments!
I spk to BF mum the day after & she told me she'd spk to my daughter & encourage her to come home as no real reason to leave, she thought my daughter wanted to live st gees cos she's obsessed with her son I asked my daughter the following w.end what BF mum had said & apparently she mentioned nothing about coming home & told her she could stay as long as she wanted!
Myself & my daughter have/had a very close relationship up until this happened?!? That's what's making it so incredibly hard for me! Just the two of us at home, she's had an amazing 16yrs of my unconditional love & attention. No hard rules, chilled relaxed homely atmosphere!
Spoke to her yesterday and she collecting anything she would like this weekend.
I'm not going to lose my beautiful girl over a few clothes & possessions! I want to enjoy our limited time together & have fun!
She's still at school, GCSE's in May
Thank you again xx

OP posts:

lucylouuu · 13/02/2018 09:56

that's really young to be moving out when she's still at school and hasn't done her exams yet! has she got a job? I wonder how long BFs mum will let her stay there for.

It must be really hard for you OP especially as nothing has triggered this. It was always just me and my mum and we were really close, I moved out at 18 to live with my boyfriend in our own flat and it was really really difficult on me and my mum so it must be hard for you. I don't have any advice but I do think she'll be back before you know it

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 09:58

That's the way. Just make sure she knows the door is always open.

As far as she and bf's different versions are concerned, I wouldn't worry too much- it's quite possible that dd isn't telling you what was said, it's also possible she truly didn't hear what bfs mum was saying.

"You know we love having you but...."- oh good, they love having me, im staying here then.

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 09:58

Oh, and you'd better let school know as well!

italiancortado · 13/02/2018 09:59

spk to BF mum the day after & she told me she'd spk to my daughter & encourage her to come home as no real reason to leave

This is utterly bizarre. She was FIFTEEN!

'Sorry love, you can't stay here, let me give you a lift home' would have been the right course of action.

blueskypink · 13/02/2018 10:05

Op - did she move out because she wanted to sleep with her bf and you wouldn't let her? Not saying you should have done but that sounds like it might be 'the reason'.

Original poster

724Llama · 13/02/2018 10:12

Not sure if it was to with sleeping together. BF had stayed st out before but in separate room. Only thing I can think after snippets of conversations is our house is 'quiet' their family is bigger & always people popping in, family piss ups and gathering, she's 16 & is starting to enjoy a bit of drama & gossip!
I tell her everyday I love her, I've said I'll always be her mum & will always have her back and she can always rely on me. The only thing I won't do is fund her as she has a perfectly good home here which was going to be hers. I was moving out when she turned 18, Daughter was having the house, I was going to pay the mortgage!! She had a Saturday job but quit when she moved in with BF family?!!

OP posts:

lucylouuu · 13/02/2018 10:14

you were going to move out and let your daughter have your house and keep paying the mortgage when she was 18?!?!? bloody hell

italiancortado · 13/02/2018 10:18

I was moving out when she turned 18, Daughter was having the house,

This speaks volumes about how she must be feeling.

zzzzz · 13/02/2018 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread