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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16yr old daughter moved out for no reason

127 replies

724Llama · 12/02/2018 06:23

My first time here, I'm lost!
My 16yr old daughter moved out whilst I was out of the house, I came home to a letter!!!! We txt morning/night everyday, she living with her boyfriend & his family(the mother didn't even advise her to come home?!?) I see her every Sunday and am trying to maintain some kind of relationship. My main question.... when she moved out she took minimal belongings, she came home for the day yesterday and asked to take more items. I said she could take anything she bought or boyfriends & family bought for her! I said no to all the expensive items we bought her (Xbox, laptop, clothes, GHDs etc)! She does have a lot of clothes with her! This caused a lot of upset and an extremely miserable child for the rest of the day! Now I'm thinking I should allow her more clothes? Advice please, thank you.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 10:20

Sounds like she wasn't ready to live on her own. Were you moving in with someone, OP?

Slartybartfast · 13/02/2018 10:29

oh you were going to move out?
sounds a bold choice, where were you going?

GreatGatsby212 · 13/02/2018 10:30

Sounds like she isn't ready and maybe doesn't want the responsibility of a home just yet. Also maybe the she would like to choose her own home/where she lives etc. I love my mom's house, but it's not where I would choose to live, even if it was all paid for. She may see it as a way you get to control her past 18.

upsideup · 13/02/2018 10:31

Why were you planning on just leaving her at 18? Did she ask for that?
My (ex)dsd asked to move in with me when she was 16, I let her despite her mum not being happy, from then on her mum acted a new level of controlling, jealous and nasty and only proved to dsd why she she wanted to leave in the first place.
I think your dd's bf's parents are trying to do the right thing by her by letting her stay, you need to keep your daughter close now and not risk pushing her away any further, its likely any attempts to force her to come back to you will only do the opposite. Support her and decisions, over time she will realise where she wants to be and what makes her happy, that might be moving back with you or it might not be.

sashh · 13/02/2018 10:40

I've said I'll always be her mum & will always have her back and she can always rely on me

You are saying that and then not letting her have her things, including her clothes.

Don't be surprised if DD turns up with local PCSO to retrieve HER property.

lucylouuu · 13/02/2018 10:52

sashh OP already said she changed her mind and her daughter is coming round to collect the rest of her things

socksandrocks · 13/02/2018 10:55

I done the same thing at that age, my mum seemed completely oblivious to why I would want to. I was young and thought I was a big grown up and got treated that way at boyfriends house. Mum treated me like a child, a small child and belittled me without even realising it. She was generally moany, no fun and snappy. At that age I couldn't blv the fun and how grown up I could have so moved where the fun was. Had my mum been different I'd have stayed. I couldn't talk to her about anything and she didn't seem to want to talk to me much.

I remember going back for a visit one day and she basically ignored me the whole time I was there, I showed her my newly bright red dyed hair, she just made a face so I left and didn't go back for months. She was hurting, I can see that now but she was the adult and the mum and should have behaved differently. I never moved back and when I was 19 I moved to a different country, only accessible by plane or boat to her. We don't see each other much

Original poster
724Llama · 13/02/2018 11:32

Oh my goodness, some very judgemental peeps!!
It was her suggestion that I moved out and moved in with my partner (her stepdad of 13 yrs)! It started as a joke by her that over the last year has become less of a joke & more of a life change that was up for discussion. Obviously I wasn't about to move out the minute she turned 18😂 it would've needed several chats & reassurance from her that she was ready, it would've been fully her decision! I love my daughter and have only ever encouraged and supported her to active her dreams. I'm not pushy, I'm not controlling.
I'm thinking this is just a crazy idea concocted by her & her BF that they want to try playing happy families!
I've explained, I'll never agree to her leaving but I'll always be here for her, my home is still her home, her room will stay hers and will not be changed!
I appreciate it's difficult on this thread to not judge but I'm struggling to make the best out of what I clearly see as a bad situation. I've asked if she'd return home and think about this massive life change after her exams, she said no. So, in the meantime I need to try & ensure she has as low stress during her exam season.
Thanks again for some really supportive advice🤗

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 12:31

Good luck, Llama.

zzzzz · 13/02/2018 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
724Llama · 13/02/2018 15:04

He's her step dad as he's been her main father figure for the last 13yrs! Just because we don't live together 24/7 doesn't mean we're not a family!

OP posts:
DixieFlatline · 13/02/2018 15:29

What is the relationship like between your partner and your daughter? How often is he at your house?

Graphista · 13/02/2018 15:39

Wondering if this is a reverse or something.

Very late mention of your partner, don't recall you saying what was in letter.

I left home at 18 because home was miserable (alcohol addiction, abuse, tension), from 16-18 I spent as much time as I could at boyfriends house not due to being obsessed with bf but because home was miserable.

30 odd years later parents still in denial and put it down to obsession with bf followed by at 18 moving to be closer to first full time job. Nope! Couldn't wait to get away.

Assuming genuine how does dd get on with your partner? Why after 13 YEARS are you not living together?

16 yr old girls do like permissive boyfriends and their families but being even stricter isn't going to help matters. In my experience there is usually more to it.

Keep lines of communication open, LISTEN don't just talk AT her, don't react in knee jerk ways (like you did with her property), do fun things with her.

Northernsoul58 · 13/02/2018 16:51

Taking 'expensive' belongings with her is one thing. (Forgive me if I'm wrong but in this day and age these things are pretty much what all but the most budget restricted households regard as necessities!). If you bought them for her they are hers. No argument. Also, clothes. Really?
But what about her daily upkeep at the BF's house. Is his Mum willing to take on another mouth to feed? For how long?
If you know BF's Mum, and you seem to be in contact in some way, then why not talk to her about the move. Make it clear to her that no upkeep is coming her way and she has full responsibility for the financial upkeep of your DD while she is staying there. Tell estranged Dad the same and encourage him to play ball by not supplementing DD. This is not about the money of course, but about getting to the root of what your DD's problem really is. A bit of harsh reality among the grown-ups could work wonders in sorting out where she needs to be.

bastardkitty · 13/02/2018 17:02

No one moves out of their home leaving their 18 year old alone because their daughter suggests it. Very disingenuous to portray her as being responsible for your life choices. You are obviously very hurt but I really don't think you are being very honest with us or yourself about what has lead to this outcome.

Runninglateeveryday · 13/02/2018 17:37

So you and DP have never lived together can I ask why you have to wait till DD is 16?

Runninglateeveryday · 13/02/2018 17:37

18 !

Gigimoll · 13/02/2018 17:44

Honestly, I mean my dd is 10 months so I can't imagine how much this hurts for you. I'd give her her things and let her get on with it and realise for herself as long as she's in no danger. She keeps coming over but I presume she just likes the freedom by what you've said and lack of responsibility. (cleaning etc) which to me.. Is wrong in my perspective because she needs to. It's good for her to know she needs to.
It seems a bit dodgy though that she's suddenly moved out. I've seen that she's not pregnant but I'd be weary about that for a bit. I lied about my pregnancy to my mom until I knew for sure he was healthy. She can't take anymore upset so I'd have delt with it alone.

Original poster
724Llama · 13/02/2018 18:11

My daughter & partner have a fab relationship. He stays at ours, we stay at his. It works perfectly for us. I live nearer town, my work, her school, he lives in the Countryside, so we have the best of all worlds.
I appreciate its very hard to give advice on just 1 side of the story but I thank all that have given constructive criticism and supportive advice.
Of course I'd never let my daughter choose my major life choices and dictate my life. It's merely been a suggestion which, as I said over time has had further discussion. It would not be a decision taken lightly or a rushed decision!
My daughters BF is a mummy's boy & can do no wrong, there is no way she'd said no to my daughter being there as she'd be too worried to upset her son!

OP posts:
Runninglateeveryday · 13/02/2018 18:45

What's her bf like? I will probably get flamed but DD has not yet learnt playing it cool and was bordering on bunny boiler behaviour with her ex, she'd have moved in with him in a heartbeat given the green light. She didn't trust him (he cheated) so wanted to be with him or on the phone to him 24/7 !

Original poster
724Llama · 13/02/2018 19:11

BF.....I've had reserved judgement, they both
appear to be obsessed with each other. He has a few times had her in tears which resulted in her declaring her love for him! I put it all down to 'teenage' relationships. Over the last couple of days I feel I've got this a bit better sussed in my head. It's still very raw & I know 'time is a healer' my focus now is to maintain some form of normality & a relationship with my beaut of a daughter so she has minimum stress leading up to & during exam season! Thank you Runninglateeveryday 🤗

OP posts:
FreeFolk · 13/02/2018 19:12

'Little notice taken of negative judgemental comments!'

This comment has stuck out to me. It's as if you only hear what you want to.

Even your title is 'there's no reason' not my fault

I think there are serious issues you are failing to address.

ittakes2 · 13/02/2018 19:24

Have you considered that by not letting her take her things it might seem to her you are trying to control and manipulate her? I'm not saying you are controlling or manipulative because that would be unfair as I no nothing about you other than your post - but if you do these sorts of things to her in other ways it could be the reason she has moved out? From your other posts, it sound like you have a good relationship with both her and her boyfriend. Unfortunately, you might just need to sit this one out as if you try and keep her with you it might push her away. Good luck.

zzzzz · 13/02/2018 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
724Llama · 13/02/2018 19:37

Freefolk...sorry, that possibly came across wrong! I meant comments like.....Don't be surprised if DD turns up with local PCSO to retrieve HER property.

Ittakes2.....you may have missed my earlier post, I rang her yesterday and said I'd reconsidered and I was merely adjusting to all of this. Shes coming for the day on Sunday and will sort through and take what she wants. Think you're right, I shall somehow 'ride this out'

We are spending a day together this Friday, she still wants me to take her to her college interview. Then we're in town for lunch etc.

OP posts: