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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16yr old daughter moved out for no reason

127 replies

724Llama · 12/02/2018 06:23

My first time here, I'm lost!
My 16yr old daughter moved out whilst I was out of the house, I came home to a letter!!!! We txt morning/night everyday, she living with her boyfriend & his family(the mother didn't even advise her to come home?!?) I see her every Sunday and am trying to maintain some kind of relationship. My main question.... when she moved out she took minimal belongings, she came home for the day yesterday and asked to take more items. I said she could take anything she bought or boyfriends & family bought for her! I said no to all the expensive items we bought her (Xbox, laptop, clothes, GHDs etc)! She does have a lot of clothes with her! This caused a lot of upset and an extremely miserable child for the rest of the day! Now I'm thinking I should allow her more clothes? Advice please, thank you.

OP posts:
CarackObama · 12/02/2018 07:27

DianaT1969

Exactly!

I did the exact same thing but moved out at 18 so she couldn't have police try to bring me home or whatever.

I had two step siblings and although they're lovely, I don't live happily in certain environments. I had a bad ED so them doing insignificant things like touching my cutlery or bottles (I got myself desperate kitchenware) would set me off.

Sometimes it's just the things we overlook.

GYMBALL · 12/02/2018 07:29

It doesn't really matter what you think of her boyfriend and his family . Withholding her things could cause her to resent you , meaning that if / when she wants to leave him it won't be you that she comes to .

SuburbanRhonda · 12/02/2018 07:30

I would feel the same way. But they are just “things”. She is your child and the most important thing is for your to maintain your relationship with her and be there if they break up.

Give her her things - vodka’s wording is good. Just try to be loving and welcoming - she may just need to get this out of her system. My brother did this at the same age and went to stay with a mate. He came back after six weeks.

DoneDisappeared · 12/02/2018 07:31

You not letting her take her things is a symptom of why she's moved out. If you want a relationship with her going forward let her have her things.

LonginesPrime · 12/02/2018 07:31

Now I'm thinking I should allow her more clothes?

Yes, you should let her have her clothes and belongings. They're not yours anymore if you gave them to her.

She might have left for completely unrelated reasons but this controlling behaviour isn't going to make her think she made a mistake in leaving - it's going to paint you as a fruit loop and confirm her decision.

Runninglateeveryday · 12/02/2018 07:37

id text and tell her she's welcome to have all her stuff you'd just hoped this arrangement wasn't permanent and that you miss her and feel hurt she didn't have a conversation with you about moving out, just left.

Is she in year 11?

DD was so obsessed with her first bf I'm 100% she'd have moved out if his mother Had allowed it. I'm surprised his mum didn't speak to you before agreeing to this.

reup · 12/02/2018 07:41

What is she doing for money?

rowdywoman1 · 12/02/2018 07:45

OP,
Do you think she may have moved out as she thought it is the only way to be able to sleep with her boyfriend? Beauase if that's the reason there's every chance she'll return IF you leave the door open so to speak.

Personally I'd give her her things. I'd apologise and tell her that I just didn't want to lose her. I'd tell her that I love her and that she can always come home at any time of day or night.

Encourage her to call in, arrange to meet her, go shopping etc, especially if you're concerned about boyfriend. Be positive (even if it's through gritted teeth) and keep your relationship with her positive. Good luck Flowers

MissWilmottsGhost · 12/02/2018 07:48

I left home at 16. I left to get away from my controlling mother and abusive brother. My boyfriend was also abusive and controlling but such behaviour was so normal in my life that I didn't notice.

Hopefully your daughter's situation is not as horrible as mine was, but the reason I left was because it didn't feel like home there. Home is somewhere you feel safe. Home is somewhere you feel welcome.

Perhaps your DD feels more welcome at the DPs parents' house. Telling her off and not allowing her to take her stuff is not going to help with that. But also there must be a reason why she would prefer to leave than stay and you need to think about that. At 16 her relationship with her boyfriend is unlikely to be long term, when it does end will you be the person she runs to for comfort or are you just going to say I told you so?

My relationship with my mother never really improved. She still sees me as a bad girl (I am now a successful 45 year old) and still does not understand the reasons I could not remain under her roof.

ohlittlepea · 12/02/2018 08:00

Maybe you could just explain to.her that you're still adjusting to her moving out as it came as such a shock to you, and it was hard when she asked for her things as it made it feel more permanent? So you reacted badly because in your heart of hearts you wish she was still living with you. But that now youve had tine to think about it she can have them all and you are sorry. I think a lot of 16 year olds would move out if it meant they could play grown ups with their boyfriends or girlfriends at a house where there was less rules. It doesnt necessarily mean there was anyrhing hugely wrong at home. I would make it clear to her that you miss her and shes always welcome in your home. they are such fragile creatures at that age it could all come crashing down in an instant. I would also recommend a long term reversible contraception. The implant. Which you cant forget to take...or not take on a whim because youre 16 and have an impulsive and not very wise brain.

differentnameforthis · 12/02/2018 08:03

Don't punish her by denying her the use of the GIFTS you gave her.

That's mean, they don't belong to you anymore. You WILL push her away like that! Let her take what she needs.

She has a reason op, no kid of 16 ups and leaves for no reason

blueskypink · 12/02/2018 08:05

Agree with others that you should let her have her things. Otherwise you're giving her more justification for moving out in the first place - ie that (in her eyes) you're unreasonable and controlling.

Did she want to sleep with her bf at home and you said no? Is that the reason?

differentnameforthis · 12/02/2018 08:07

My reasons for keeping some of her belongings are I believe she doesn't deserve them after the way she has treated me! Ahhh, nice. A good dose of spite, that'll teach her.

Grow up op. Before you push her away indefinitely.

He is also controlling of her, so I don't want him or his family enjoying her things! But you are denying HER! if this is a terrible of hers, she needs to know that she can come back. You keep pushing her, she will end up staying with him just to "prove" you wrong.

If she is going to come home, she will do it quicker if you keep the path home clear, and remain calm and as friendly as you8 say you always were.

hungryhenryshouldeatelsewhere · 12/02/2018 08:13

What did the letter say?

If she doesn't want to live with you anymore she must have her reasons. You should allow her access to all of her possessions. It's shitty but you must stay civil and reasonable so as not to push her away for good.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/02/2018 08:16

I would have to judge the boyfriend’s mum for allowing them to have sex when your DD was underage. Consensual or not, that’s a shocking lapse in judgement and could have gone spectacularly wrong if they’d broken up and your DD had reported him to the police.

Dobbythesockelf · 12/02/2018 08:20

My dh moved out at 17, he told his mum it was cos it was easier to get to college etc compared to where his parents lived in reality it was cause his mum is controlling and he was massively unhappy there. To this day he says it's the best thing he ever did. What I'm saying is the reason she tells you might not be the truth. It could be that she just wants to live with her boyfriend or it could be something else. If you sent her her things you are only going to push her away and if you want her to be able to come home then surely you don't want to give her more reasons not to. If you leave the door open, and are understanding she might get fit out of her system and if she ever needs help it will be you she comes to. If you are spiteful you night damage your relationship more.

Dobbythesockelf · 12/02/2018 08:21

If you deny not sent

threestars · 12/02/2018 08:30

Can you meet up with the boyfriend’s mother? Is she happy with this turning into a permanent situation? Is DD still at school? If so, is she managing to complete homework?
I would try to create a good relationship with the mother so that you can come and visit regularly. DD might have told her other reasons why she wanted to leave home?

Super123 · 12/02/2018 08:33

Is there any way you can contact bf's Mum when they're in school? I would want to talk to her to find out what happened and why she didn't think of contacting you before dd moved in.

I would also definitely let her take all her own things. It's just not right or fair to keep her possessions.

DriggleDraggle · 12/02/2018 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rotavixsucks · 12/02/2018 08:36

A 16 year old does not move out for no reason no matter how pig headed they may seem.

You sound a bit like my mother by not allowing her, her things you are just pushing her further away. A gift is a gift you don't take them back when you feel like it.

I moved out at a similar age because I couldn't bare the atmosphere due to my controlling and narcissistic mother.

If you'd spoken to her (my mother) she would have said I was out of control and disrespectful because we didn't never saw eye to eye.

There's always 2 sides and you may be unaware of how she has been really feeling. Let her have her things and leave the door open for her.

greendale17 · 12/02/2018 08:39

I wonder if she will sell her belongings to make some money then

BeyondThePage · 12/02/2018 08:58

This sounds like my DD17 would if her boyfriends mother would let her.

She hates living here, we are so controlling (because I asked her to walk her dog every other day),
we expect sooooo much from her, (2 hours piano practice a week, homework completed),
we treat her like a child (won't buy alcohol)
we are boring (but not when we all go to Florida on holiday)
we have soooooo many rules (home by 11 on a school night, shower regularly, go to school, hang up uniform)

She told her BF mum we were so vile and horrible and did all of the above. BF mum told her that her rules were much stronger, so "suck it up buttercup, you've got it easy, appreciate what you have" basically.

We have had a bit of a "truce" since then.

She has probably spun her own story.

specialsubject · 12/02/2018 12:47

You need to talk to the boys parents. Are they happy to feed, clothe , educate and transport another kid? How long for?

What happens when the sex gets boring and they split?

Coco30 · 12/02/2018 12:57

You wouldn't let her have her stuff Even with holding her clothing.
Thats really controlling.