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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I need help please

31 replies

Positiveone2 · 02/12/2017 14:24

I just found out that my daughter has forged her school report
She's been sending pics (inappropriate)to boys
And she's got an under tongue piercing
I'm fuming !!
She has private instagram accounts ..

I feel that I have failed in so many levels.
How could I not see it??

I feel like just killing her!!!
What do I do ?!!

OP posts:
Runninglateeveryday · 02/12/2017 18:46

How old?

ineedamoreadultieradult · 02/12/2017 18:47

How did you uncover all these things at once?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 19:21

Age?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 19:22

Are the inappropriate images to boys at her school?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 19:22

Where did she get her under tonge pearcing done?

SparklyMagpie · 02/12/2017 19:23

How old is she OP?

ragged · 02/12/2017 19:50

Well... she's resourceful, isn't she?

chiaseeddisapointmentagain · 02/12/2017 19:52

Could be worse.. she could be pregnant.

Sensimilla · 02/12/2017 19:53

Of that list, I would only be concerned about sending inappropriate photos to boys

Original poster
Positiveone2 · 02/12/2017 20:26

Oh gosh, I guess I was so upset at the time when I wrote this I left out the details .
She just turned 16 and I got the info because I took her phone away from her.
Photos were semi naked but not something you want to see as a parent. Thing is I always check on her phone but I guess this time I took it when she didn't expect it. And didn't have time to delete things. And to make matters worse she ran away from the house, jumped out from the bathroom window.
Honestly, I don't know where I've gone wrong, and I didn't know how to react to all that.
She's home safe now but I'm staying away from her until we have both calmed down.

OP posts:
Sensimilla · 02/12/2017 20:40

Why did she forge her school report?? Are her actual grades really bad? Worse than she should have got? Why did she feel she had to hide that from you?

Original poster
Positiveone2 · 02/12/2017 20:45

@Sensimilla , I don't know why she would do that, I've been nothing but supportive and it breaks my heart to know that she's been so devious. The grades are not that bad actually but I do tell her to always aim higher and maybe she felt that she didn't do as well as I wanted her to. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
CPtart · 02/12/2017 21:13

Stop just blaming yourself. Where's her dad?

Original poster
Positiveone2 · 02/12/2017 21:39

@CPtart he said he will deal with her but so far not a word was exchanged between them. I guess he's just as confused as me and doesn't know how to tackle it 😕

OP posts:
lljkk · 02/12/2017 21:42

"I've been nothing but supportive"

mmm.... that's what you think.

Need to find out what she thinks.

Original poster
Positiveone2 · 02/12/2017 21:47

@lljkk thanks for your support
That's all I need right now
Any words of advice ?!

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 02/12/2017 21:56

Does the school not email reports to you?

lljkk · 02/12/2017 22:15

"I got the info because I took her phone away from her"... "I always check on her phone but I guess this time I took it when she didn't expect it."

she won't see you checking her phone as supportive. That's not how they take phone-checking.

"maybe she felt that she didn't do as well as I wanted her to"

That could be an acknowledgment that you put pressure (or guilt?) on her that wasn't supportive. She jumped out the bathroom?? Definitely not looking to you for support at that moment.

The piercing sounds illegal, btw, how long ago?
The naked pics could be a sign of low self-esteem.

The good news is that teens lie to protect relationships. So she does want a good relationship with you, is why she deceived.

Runninglateeveryday · 02/12/2017 22:19

She's 16 personally I don't think you should be looking through her phone. I wouldn't be bothered by a piercing at all, I don't really get the forge school report if her grades are good , what is she forging?

fleshmarketclose · 02/12/2017 22:30

But she is sixteen, don't you think that you are treating her like a 13 year old? I'd be talking about the semi naked photos with her and what might happen to them but the rest I'd turn a blind eye to not least because she is old enough to choose whether or not to have a piercing and an instagram account. The school report isn't that big a deal tbh and I'd secretly smile at her cheek. Why are you checking the phone of someone old enough to legally have sex and get married (in Scotland) without your permission?

Original poster
Positiveone2 · 02/12/2017 22:46

@fleshmarketclose I guess I am a bit overprotective, but she is only 16 😐
I guess I have to back away
😓

OP posts:
fleshmarketclose · 02/12/2017 23:32

I'm on my fifth teen just now and if there is one thing I have learned it is that open communication is the key and you don't get that when you operate as someone policing their every move tbh all it does is shove everything underground.
None of mine would have worried about talking to me before they got a piercing, they would have discussed it with me and made their own choice. I might have pointed out the need for hygiene, a reputable piercer, possible implications to future plans but that would have been it.
The instagram we'd have talked about privacy settings, who would have access to their photos and how they should think about what they put online but again I wouldn't police it.
I would hope that because we communicate well that they would feel comfortable to speak with me if there were issues and it seems to have worked so far at least.
I would never have checked a sixteen year old's phone,I don't check dd's who is nearly 15 because I believe that we have spoken long and loud about internet safety and I trust her and I like to think she trusts me enough to be able to speak openly about any worries.
I have always wanted them to feel as though they didn't have to hide stuff from me because they could feel confident that I wouldn't over react, be judgemental or fail to consider their choices and opinions.
The older four were pretty easy teens and number five is following their path soit has worked for us anyway.

tiptopteepe · 02/12/2017 23:41

I think maybe you are overreacting a tad... from your first post I thought your daughter might be about 13.
At 16 you really shouldnt be going through her phone and sending semi nude photos is a bit less of an issue. More of something youd maybe have a bit of a friendly chat with her about the dangers of rather than something to get angry about at that age.

The lying to you about grades is worrying but again at 16 I think you need to be trying to discuss it with her calmly to get to the bottom of why she lied rather than going straight in with anger. Anger is only going to make a 16 year old hide more of their lives from you.

Sensimilla · 03/12/2017 07:27

Yes, I think you are over reacting. My teen is younger, so I haven't experienced this age yet; but at 16 I left home and was working full time

  1. I think the piercing is her business/ a non issue

  2. I would be worried about sending semi naked photos over the net. Who did she send them too?

  3. I'd be confused as to why she lied about her grades. But not angry. Why are you angry?

Me995 · 03/12/2017 09:28

Hi,
My 16 year old daughter opened up to me last night saying that she is very lowly at school has one friend who is only person who gets on with her and she is not very caring. She is talk g her exams at present but is being bullied by other girls and boys, with them throwing food at her, laughing and generally taking the Micky out of her. She came home crying and is doing everything to not go to school she wants to move schools. Her friends mother complained and is keeping her child off school, leaving mine scared stiff to go. She constantly keeps telling me I do not understand ! I myself went through similar. I told her to tell school someone she trusts but teachers do not like her either. They do not recognise this as a problem. I told her to be honest , but as school will not recognise bullying going on what can I do? Please help as really worried about my child, she is very bright, and pretty and tries to front it out but this is really upsetting for her and is making me feel helpless. Have tried to talk to staff, they do not recognise bullying , she does not want to go back on Monday for her please help!

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