Do you give your 15 year old alcohol for parties?

[familygermsareok]

DS asking to take 4 or 6 bottles beer or cider to his friend's party tonight. Party is typical last minute get together round their house. I am aware he has had alcohol at similar parties before which friends have brought and we have allowed him to have a beer once with us when on hols. He has never come home obviously drunk and is usually well behaved and sensible.
I realise teens do drink (did myself!) but my main concerns are that if I am actually supplying him with it then I am condoning it when other parents may not agree, and I have no control over where he drinks it, could be in a park rather than someone's house. And it is adding to overall alcohol available, even if shared around, the more that bring the more there is. Also it is illegal to supply under 18s!
However, if I don't give him any he may always be the one scrounging off someone else. He says most, though not all, of his friends bring some and they share.
I don't know many of his current friends' parents to ask. I do know one mum who always gives some to her son so some certainly some do.
Have had the talk about not needing alcohol to enjoy yourself. I think occasional supervised alcohol is ok at this age but am uncomfortable about supplying as above.
Would appreciate other's thoughts on this please.

I was allowed to take half a water bottle filled with a spirit when I was 15 to parties. As mad as they seemed at the Time while I was 15, no one actually ended up passed out or in danger.

but my main concerns are that if I am actually supplying him with it then I am condoning it when other parents may not agree, and I have no control... you are answering your own question really OP. Your gut instinct is telling you NOT to do it, 15yr is too young for this to be the acceptable norm at a party, (that's why they have to be 18 to buy the alcohol). They are still kids ffs, they shouldn't be needing alcohol to have a party! It isn't safe in the hands of adults, how the heck is it going to be in the hands of 15 yr olds?

It beggars belief that some parents think this should be the done thing with the rationale being that they will drink on a much worse scale if they don't supply it. So if you don't supply them weed do you think they will find themselves some crack from somewhere?

Pallisers applause to you, nice to see someone with some sense, one of the best posts I've read on MN

I was allowed to take half a water bottle filled with a spirit when I was 15 to parties
Nobody ended up passed out or in danger

I could drive down a motorway the wrong way at 80mph for a while and might not kill anyone either, so this would make it ok...

I’m surprised how many shocked responses you’re getting. My daughters who were academic , worked hard sensibogirls got invited to parties in year 11 where they wanted to take a drink or two. I made sure it was low alcohol mixers and talked about alternating with a soft drink. I think 16 is pretty normal to have a drink at a party not getting paralytic. I think some of the posters here who think it’s so wrong may have young children.

Sensible girls!!

Re your worry of condoning the drinking, I felt happier my girls would drink what they had brought and not be talked into a punch or a drink poured by someone else.

I am massively irritated by feckless parents who supply alcohol to underage teenagers.

We have a 15 year old. Being at a party is pretty exciting for him. He doesn't need alcohol. He weighs just over 6 stone so I would presume he'd have a pretty hard time processing it. I'd be livid if parents supplied his mates with booze just because they assume it's ok with the other parents.

In real life I would be considered a super sensible parent but I have no issue with my dc having some alcohol at a party at ages 15-17 and ime all the parents of their peers are the same as there is always drink around.

I draw the line at spirits or anything stronger than a normal cider or lager but in moderation having a couple of drinks isn't a huge deal for me.

s4 is too young for this, only the wilder kids on his year will be drinking on a random Saturday night at a friends house. Most are eating pizza, drinking coke, playing on the PS4and posting stupid stuff on social media.

Are you happy with the crowd he’s hanging about with ? Do you know his friends or their parents ?

Is your son at a private school? They seem to do drink and drugs a lot younger there.

Naively I didn't actually consider that 15 year olds might be having alcohol at parties until recently. DS has never come home with any obvious signs he has been drinking and it never occurred to me until a text conversation I had with another mum who told me she always gives her son a few cans for him and some extra to share with friends! I then had a chat with DS who confirmed that quite a few of his friends bring alcohol and he has sometimes had one or two. We spoke about safe drinking and issues around alcohol and I left it at that until he asked me if he could take some himself on Sat. I want him to be able to speak to me openly and not hide these things.
I do not have a problem with him having the occasional beer and I suppose I was just letting him get on with being a teenager but in my mind it puts things on a different level if I am supplying it for the reasons I have previously said. Mainly not wanting to condone and normalise it and not wanting to be responsible for availability to others.
But he will then always be taking from others which doesn't seem right either.
I suppose that makes me a bit hypocritical but I am trying to find the right thing to do.
I don't feel comfortable giving him any to take at this age, a bit older would be ok. And I suppose he could pay friends back by buying pizza like PP suggested.
There is no avoiding it , it will be available from someone.

To PP who said he doesn't have to go to every party, well no, he doesn't go to every party, but all of them will have the same situation, so unless he never goes to any that doesn't change things. And he has never given me cause for concern ( so far!) so I am not going to stop him socialising with his friends.

If you're feeling guilty about him always scrounging off others you could send him with some good nibbles instead - ie crisps, cakes , etc. Something to soak up the alcohol. And a non-alcoholic drink to share around.

It is a difficult choice to make and it depends very much on your teen and their friends.

My girls are sensible and open about it and I trust them. We have had lots of chats about drinking, the parties they go to always have an adult present and it's part of growing up.

By buying the drinks I can keep an eye on what they have. DD took 2 cans of Echo Falls to her most recent party and was more than happy.
Some fruity ciders are weaker than others too.

Until they end up hospitalised, nobody ever thinks their kid is an idiot. We all think our kid is sensible, would never do anything really stupid or dangerous. Most of us are wrong. Few of us will ever find out. The ones who do find out are unlucky because something shit happened to their DC.

Laceup, it's a nice theory but I think you will find that the majority of 15/16 year olds will drink if others are. It takes a rare and strong personality at that age to not be bothered about fitting in with the crowd.

Therefore, I would say it is much more likely that the kids whose parents don't give them any are still drinking what others bring. I would rather my child felt open enough with me to ask me for alcohol rather than being secretive, claiming not to drink and then actually drinking vodka or similar given to them by someone else.

I would also do it on the basis that if they show they can be sensible and drink just the two small bottles of low alcohol stuff I'd given them then they can do it again, and if they abuse that trust and get hammered they will no be going to parties again. If you forbid something it only makes it more attractive. I model moderation with alcohol in that I have the occasional glass or two but don't get hammered. If my kids do the same I am happy with that.

Sorry Kr1st1na, cross posted.
That is one of the problems, I don't really know the friends or parents . Not a private school, is a state one, semi rural so covers a wide geographical area. I knew all primary friends/ families well but as he moved through secondary has acquired an additional set of friends most of whom live a fair distance away. I have met them when they've been round here and seem polite enough but they just say hello, etc then off to play Xbox so I don't really get to know them.
Not out drinking every weekend (as far as I know!) Usually they just meet up, go to Soccerworld or cinema, hang out in McDonalds or one of their houses and play Xbox. Every few weeks someone in the school year seems to have a party , usually birthday, Sat was Halloween one and mostly it's held in their house. Parents are always around in background according to DS but I can't always verify that and don't know most parents.
Evergreen777 I think that is the best thing, if I supply nibbles/pizza, and he does take non alcoholic drinks. That way I'm not condoning but if he does have some of friends he can pay back in other ways.
Theimpossiblegirl and CourgetteKatie, yes, I do see the merit of giving them their own then you have a better idea what they have been drinking. I am torn over that, and I will probably do that when he is a bit older, but at the moment I just don't feel right doing it.

Happy for my DD (15, y11) to have a glass of wine, cider or weak g and t with us. Would not send her with alcohol to a party, frankly she does not go to such parties though I know some of her peers do. DS is older, we have given him a couple of small bottles of beer or cider since he was in lower 6th, so 16.5. He is now nearly 18, and often has a beer at home with us, a pint over dinner in a restaurant, and yes, takes a couple of beers to a party. Won't be long until he can buy it himself, but we still won't condone him coming home completely drunk - however he will know to come home/ring for a lift/get a cab and we will pay and will talk through the consequences the following day not get cross if he turns up pissed. I'd rather he came home and caused me to employ someone to clean the carpet than stay out for fear of my wrath!

My mother wouldn't buy me alcohol when we went out but because of that I'd end up asking a stranger to go into the shop and get me a bottle of cheap vodka 🤢 So would always end up hammered anyway. I think I would, personally, give them a reasonable amount because if my child will be anything like me it'll find a way.

And she made it very very clear she didn't want me drinking! Just meant I couldn't get caught so no it was nothing to do with parenting. When I did get caught I was grounded for weeks/ months on end, but I've always been good at hiding how drunk I am 😂😂

@pallisers where do you stand on TVs in bedrooms, mobile phones, and using tablets? Because your views are identical to mine and yet apparently I am stuck in the dark age on all the above so I just wondered if I had found a common soul!

My parents did this when I was younger and I will do it for my son when he’s older. I would prefer to know what he’s drinking and how much rather than him hang around a shop and ask someone random to go in for him.

I do understand that the majority of people wouldn’t do this.

I think 16 is pretty normal to have a drink at a party not getting paralytic. I think some of the posters here who think it’s so wrong may have young children

CouretteKatie - the op's ds is 15, not 16.
Personally, I would not be happy with my dc drinking at a party before the 6th form, and my youngest is 16, so I've been there, done that twice beforehand. Yes, they can have a small drink with us on the odd occasion at 15, but definitely not take it to a party at that age.

Backforgood I guess it depends where your child’s birthday falls in the year. I know ops child is 15 but I assume most parties are 16th. I genuinely respect that you didn’t allow your children until 16 but I’d worry they’d drink at the party rather than something I’d sent them with ( with lots of advice about slow drinking and pointing out you have a drink if you get offered one, and lots of soft drinks) To me giving them a drink protected them from having to make decisions in a vulnerable situation.

@pallisers where do you stand on TVs in bedrooms, mobile phones, and using tablets? Because your views are identical to mine and yet apparently I am stuck in the dark age on all the above so I just wondered if I had found a common soul!

No tvs - they don't care - tvs aren't the thing anymore. They can do what they want on their mobiles and tablets considering they are all age 16 plus. I do have the talk about social media and porn and stuff regularly. I supervised messaging etc when they were younger (god was that boring). Mine are 20, 17, 16 so I am at the end of the child-rearing thing.

I am actually a pretty easygoing parent - probably because mine are easy enough in terms of doing crazy shit. We still have had the coming home high though - but at age 18 not 15. I just think attitudes to drink in general are very disordered. I'm in the US and while kids do drink (of course they do) there isn't an assumption that everyone is doing it so better buy them a naggin of vodka of their own. There is a general feeling that we should all be stopping 15 year olds having a drink - or four. I literally don't know any parent who would think it ok to give a 15 year old alcohol.

The kids are going to drink whether you supply it or not. At 16 years old, it's fine to let them take a couple of cans of something. It also stops them sneaking around behind your back drinking whatever they can get their hands on.

We gave our similarly aged DD a couple of bottlrs of low alcohol beer so she could appear to be drinking.

When DS was 17/18 (he's still 18, in case you think I'm hopelessly out of touch) a lot of them were very keen on morgan's spiced rum. Once I knew he was fairly sensible I gave him about a quarter of a half bottle to take to a party. This gave the impression that he had drunk the rest whenever, while it was actually in our home in a soft drinks bottle. He claimed to be happy with this arrangement as more drink would have been 'stolen', as he put it.