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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you give your 15 year old alcohol for parties?

109 replies

familygermsareok · 28/10/2017 17:12

DS asking to take 4 or 6 bottles beer or cider to his friend's party tonight. Party is typical last minute get together round their house. I am aware he has had alcohol at similar parties before which friends have brought and we have allowed him to have a beer once with us when on hols. He has never come home obviously drunk and is usually well behaved and sensible.
I realise teens do drink (did myself!) but my main concerns are that if I am actually supplying him with it then I am condoning it when other parents may not agree, and I have no control over where he drinks it, could be in a park rather than someone's house. And it is adding to overall alcohol available, even if shared around, the more that bring the more there is. Also it is illegal to supply under 18s!
However, if I don't give him any he may always be the one scrounging off someone else. He says most, though not all, of his friends bring some and they share.
I don't know many of his current friends' parents to ask. I do know one mum who always gives some to her son so some certainly some do.
Have had the talk about not needing alcohol to enjoy yourself. I think occasional supervised alcohol is ok at this age but am uncomfortable about supplying as above.
Would appreciate other's thoughts on this please.

OP posts:
Uptheduffy · 28/10/2017 22:33

What, showing off/trying to impress/hoping she'll be more likely to snog him if tipsy are all things very much part of teenage life. There is obviously potentially a darker side too. I would not be encouraging children to use alcohol when underage in a society where every daft, reckless or embarrassing thing they could do at a party can be captured on phones and shared on the Internet.

Uptheduffy · 28/10/2017 22:39

Actually Blueemerald I think pretty much anyone's teenage son might do this. How long has putting alcohol in the punch bowl been around for? Getting girls inebriated in order to (at best) make yourself seem more attractive to them through beer googles, or to lower their inhibitions and, at worst, assault them is not a new thing.

Blueemeraldagain · 28/10/2017 23:51

Oh no, depressingly it does happen. I've just never heard a parent use it as a reason not to provide any alcohol for their teenager.

"Can't give them alcohol because they might use it to get someone else drunk and sexually assault them?"

As I said before I don't have children but if I did and believed that I don't think they'd be going to any parties at all. I couldn't think that they were capable of that and send them to a party (where there will be alcohol and drunk people) with a clear conscience just because I didn't provide the drink.

Milkandtwosugars · 29/10/2017 00:23

My mum would buy me Smirnoff ice or WKD if I had a get together at friends or at home.

I was pretty boring though - I had one best friend so we’d have a couple to feel cool on the odd occasion when she stayed over. Not very often at all.

I was 14 when I got my first proper boyfriend, he was 2 years older than me and my mum was fine with my drinking with him and his friends.

BUT I was sensible. I never took the piss with it. I’ve never lied to her about where I was, who I was with etc.

  • not one of those teenagers who ever snuck out to a field or the beach etc.
I’ve always been more of a home bird, or a drink inside a house person.

I’m 24 now and I very seldom drink. I only drink Malibu and coke or a couple of cocktails. I don’t enjoy getting “drunk”. I stop at merry/tipsy.
I’ve been clubbing ONCE in my life - a few months ago. I didn’t enjoy it so chances are I won’t go again.

My children are far too young for me to need to think about this - but if they were trustworthy and honest; then yes I would buy them a couple at 15.

Milkandtwosugars · 29/10/2017 00:29

I didn’t mean that I was getting drunk often at 14 - it was rare!

mywayalltheway · 29/10/2017 01:20

Having the same sort of dilemma with DD14 (yr 10) my gut instinct is no but it’s the usual ‘but all my friends are allowed’ whilst I’m sure not all her friends are allowed I know many that are. It does seem to be the in thing for parents to allow a couple of small bottles at parties it certainly wasn’t something my parents or my friends parents would have done when I was a teen (mid forties now) so we use to club together and buy the cheapest strongest alcohol we could find and drink on the streets then sleepover at whichever friend had the most laid back parents. I really don’t want DD to behave like that.

gluteustothemaximus · 29/10/2017 01:28

My friend buys vodka for her 16 year old. I was Shock

I wouldn’t. And I’d be livid if DS went off to a party that a parent had supplied vodka to.

So even if you’re not supplying it, another parent might. Just a thought.

peachy94 · 29/10/2017 01:34

Abit Hmm at people who think their 16 year olds haven’t had a drink. Surely if you don’t allow it it just becomes ‘forbidden fruit’? my parents were pretty lax about me drinking even from a young age they’d let me have a taste of theirs, glass of champagne on occasions etc I remember being on holiday just after I turned 14 and they let me have a drink in the evenings. From yr 10 most of the parties/gatherings I went to had alcohol and most of my friends parents were happy for us to have a few drinks at their houses rather than sneaking around parks with cheap vodka. If you’ve never let your DC drink what happens when they turn 18 and potentially go off to uni at the other end of the country and freshers is just a sea of alcohol and no responsible adults to look out for them? For someone who’s never been allowed to drink socially surely that’s more dangerous than allowing small amounts from 15?

AlexanderHamilton · 29/10/2017 11:16

I know Dd likes a drink. It's never been forbidden, she enjoys a glass of wine with a meal or even a small g & t.

I still wouldnt send her to a party with alcohol though.

BackforGood · 29/10/2017 13:36

Same here Alexander. All mine have been able to have a taste, and then maybe half a glass, here (or with us) on occasion. Also, once the older two got into the 6th form, they were allowed to take a couple of cans or bottles, but OP's ds is only just turned 15, (Summer birthday she said) and she is talking about 4 to 6 cans. That is too much, too young, and by condoning it, it can also put pressure on your dc, or others to think it is "expected"

Actually Blueemerald I think pretty much anyone's teenage son might do this.

Wow Uptheduffy, what a nasty little mind you have. That is a seriously offensive statement.

Original poster
familygermsareok · 29/10/2017 15:47

I don't have any issue with DS having a small amount of alcohol with us or another known responsible adult around, but I'm not comfortable giving him some to take to parties as I can't be sure who will be supervising and whether it will be shared with another whose parents do not want them having any. I do not want to be responsible for that. And as BackforGood said it is condoning it and making it an expected part of parties. I don't think alcohol should routinely be expected at parties at 15. I am aware it will almost certainly be available, but I don't want to be actively encouraging it.
On the other hand, if it makes him less likely to join in with the communal cheap spirit??? Who knows what to do for the best.

He is 15 and 4 months. I have told him we will not be allowing him to take alcohol to parties and we have discussed the potential harms from drinking. I have no doubt that he probably will still take some from his friends, but he is responsible for his decisions and I am for mine.
As he gets older I may allow him to take a couple of bottles, particularly if I know the other parents. I agree 4 or 6 is too much. He had requested that to share, as that is what some of his friends bring to share.
He did not take any with him last night. When we picked him up he appeared completely sober but the friend we were also giving a lift to had obviously had some!

OP posts:
Love51 · 29/10/2017 16:12

pallisers you asked where are the randomers parents in this? When I was 15 the randomers parents were irrelevant because the randomers were adults. Now that's called cse, back then it was how my mates got a bed for the night because they couldn't go home drunk. I'm always pleased I was allowed home drunk. It stopped me staying in squats (another thing my mates did).

Uptheduffy · 29/10/2017 17:02

Backforgood did you actually read my full post? I did not say every male would try to assault a drunk girl if that is what you have taken from it.
Getting girls inebriated in order to (at best) make yourself seem more attractive to them through beer googles, or to lower their inhibitions and, at worst, assault them is not a new thing

Sadik · 29/10/2017 17:13

"Another moment when MN diverges so acutely from my own experience of life that it is dizzying."
People move in very different circles - I certainly wouldn't be surprised at yr 11 dc being given a couple of beers to take to a beach party. DD doesn't do crowds / loud noise / uncertainty, and so has only been to one such party to date, but from that one + the gossip they definitely involve drinking.

Mooncuplanding · 29/10/2017 17:19

I've a year 11 and these parties are horrendous

They are all drinking.

I've asked where the hell they get it from and the answers include older siblings, the known dodgy shops (won't tell me where they are) to getting homeless people to buy it (not ds I bloody hope!)

I find it hard to know what to do, ideally he wouldn't be going at all! But unless I'm prepared for total rebellion I have to let Jim go and the tactics have ranged from giving 2 bottles and say that is all you drink, you don't get involved in the other stuff (vodka) and then just letting him go without. I can't say I've noticed much difference.

I think what's key is that I always pick him up, he knows he can't stay out and avoid me seeing him and that's what seems to maintain sobriety more than anything!

GrumpyOldBag · 29/10/2017 19:03

My 15 year old DS got so drunk at a party this week he fell over, smashed up his face, and couldn't remember anything afterwards.

It was an 18th ... so there was alcohol galore.

No way i let him take his own drinks to parties.

Original poster
familygermsareok · 29/10/2017 19:44

YY Mooncuplanding , it is hard to know best approach. I agree that always picking up so they know they will get clocked is probably best way to stop them taking too much.

OP posts:
UniversallyUnchallenged · 29/10/2017 19:49

No

Primaryteach87 · 29/10/2017 19:54

My parents allowed me to have alcohol (not spirits at that age though). No issues. I never drink to excess as a teen. My personal opinion is that it’s up to parents to set their own boundaries with their own kids and not for other parents to be forced into enforcing them. So I would check the host parents we’re happy, encourage my teen to drink responsibly and send a small amount (4-5 beers),

VivaLeBeaver · 29/10/2017 20:37

Picked dd up last night from a party. She'd obviously drunk more than I'd given her from what she's said. She seemed fairly sober but wasn't talking and went straight to bed. But admitted this morning that she'd thrown up in the garden of the party. Appaantly the booze was flowing and people kept giving her stuff! Sounds like her boyfriend told her to stop drinking and made her drink water. At least he's sensible.

BackforGood · 29/10/2017 21:31

It's worthwhile talking with teens about 'sensible drinking'...... things like alternating an alcoholic drink with a pint of water. Things like not mixing drinks. Things like only drinking a drink when you know what is in it - keeping your own bottle or can with you. Things like eating before you go out, and/or whilst out (lining your stomach / soaking up the alcohol. Things like moving about, dancing, or getting fresh air, or something rather than sitting still just drinking.
Of course, modelling a positive attitude towards alcohol yourself.

Ellybellyboo · 29/10/2017 21:41

DD1 is 16 and I play it by ear

I don’t mind her having small amounts of alcohol, but it depends on when/where/etc.

She’ll have a couple of bottle of Smirnoff Ice or something like that for a party at a close friends house where I know the parents are OK with it and it won’t get out of hand

She is quite sensible - she called and asked my to pick her up early from a party a couple of weeks ago as everyone was drinking huge amounts. She didn’t want to and she was really anxious about it.

Uptheduffy · 30/10/2017 06:32

You know you don’t actually have to let them go to every party when they are 15. There are kids who don’t.

PrincessoftheSea · 30/10/2017 06:39

Shockat 4 or 5 beers being a small amount. Is it only me who worries about the effect of alcohol on childrens bodies?

WhatHaveIFound · 30/10/2017 08:16

There's no way that i'd buy alcohol for my 15yo DD but obviously other parents do.

DD went to a 16th birthday party a few weeks ago and came back in a terrible state. I'm torn between making her write a letter of apology to the parents of the party teen (for throwing up at their house) or getting annoyed with them for standing by and watching this happen.

I've told DD she's very lucky that she didn't do any serious harm to herself though she did lose 2 days to feeling ill!

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