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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How to Handle This Situation....

92 replies

RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 10:57

I've named changed for this, but I'm a long time, if not always so regular (these days) poster.

We've organised a big birthday treat for our DD who will be 15 soon. Several reasons why we've been unable to do much for her over the last several Birthdays, so we wanted to make this one special for her, which on her choosing is a camping trip with a small group of her friends.

We already know these kids, like most around here at this age have been dabbling with drink & drugs, cannabis been easier for them to get their hands on than beer. We do tend to take a more liberal approach with DD & believe keeping communication open with her & educating her about drugs, rather than denial, if that makes sense. As a result we've accepted her owning up to smoking a small amount of weed on rare occasions such as end of term parties etc, without a huge fuss, but strict rules that we always know when, where & who with, even having some control over where it comes from so we know it's as safe as can be .

This approach has worked well so far, as when her best friend got into trouble & took ill after smoking what must have been rocket fuel version of weed (at bloody youth club😖) DD felt able to call us for help. Which given the very vulnerable situation the girls were in, (hassled by older more predatory teens to smoke strong drugs) we are really glad about. DD has also listened to advice & didn't smoke any herself.

BUT, I've had a bad feeling this last few days, turned out that's not unfounded. It's come to my attention that DDs friends are planning bringing MDMA/Ecstasy to DDs camping trip with view to getting off their nuts whilst in our care. Having had a nosey on a SM account, DD was at least the voice of reason, given that we've already taught her the downside of this drug & others, emphasising that she is very high risk to dangerous side effects due to a health problem. Thankfully she has listened & was saying no she wouldn't, but was then talked into a "tiny amount" after 2 of the kids talked her into it describing when they've taken it before (one is only just turned 14😦)

I feel pretty bloody angry if I'm honest, this is going to be a big expense & major stress for us minding a small gang of teens who I had thought up until this point were fairly sensible. We had promised DD we would stay in the background & allow them to feel that they were camping alone, but be there with food & back up when needed. (& of course keeping a close eye, but from a distance)

I don't have parents contacts yet, bar one, we don't even know who they are, though I have insisted that we get permission & it must come directly from all parents or the teen who doesn't get that won't come. So far we haven't heard from parents, though all teens say they are coming.

I'm really not sure how to handle this. Part of me wants to insist that DD adds me to the group chat where this is discussed & I will tell them all myself in no uncertain terms that this will not be tolerated, we will spot it easily if they do take drugs & we will haul their backsides to the police & contact parents if anyone put us in that situation. It's dangerous given poor network/no wifi coverage where we stay.

Or just text DD that we know & nobody comes along who thinks that sort of behaviour is okay & we will cancel if theres even a sniff of it & I will be watching more closely from now on & hack her accounts if necessary. Considering contacting the school too, though we've had enough drugs info from them that I suspect they know. Though I can now name the 13 y/o dealer 😧

WTAF, did we let ourselves in for, I'm not naive, or didn't think I was, but bloody hell 😐

Ideas on how best to handle this appreciate

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 10:57

Oops, name change didn't work then 🙄

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 11/09/2017 11:00

You are being far too liberal and all of her friends have seen it a mile off.

I would cancel the trip.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 11/09/2017 11:01

I would rearrange and do something like a trip to a nearby city in the daytime instead. You'd be crazy to go ahead with the camping. (Where are you? It's pouring with rain here!)

AgentProvocateur · 11/09/2017 11:02

I agree with MyBrilliantDisguise. You're in an awkward position already condoning one type of underage drug use and these kids probably see you as a pushover. I'd cancel the trip and encourage my daughter to choose different friends.

PotteringAlong · 11/09/2017 11:05

This is what you get when you allow your 15 year old to take drugs with your knowledge.

Toughen up. Cancel the trip.

Namethecat · 11/09/2017 11:05

Yes I agree with the above poster - too liberal, I think teenagers push parents to see how much they can get away with. If her goalposts are very wide she can pretty do as much as she wishes and has given you indications that she is easily led .

WaxWaxWax · 11/09/2017 11:07

Cancel the trip.

This is what comes of trying to be a cool friend rather than a parent.

Jinglebells99 · 11/09/2017 11:10

I would cancel the camping. Sorry, I may be an old fuddy duddy, but I have two teens of 18 and 15 and no way would I want them going to a camp where the parents knew there was going to be drugs. And if anything was to happen like one of them getting ill or dying, I am sure you as the parent, would be in deep trouble seeing as you knew kids were bringing drugs. By the way, I have relatives who started smoking at 13 and now in their forties, still smoke cannabis every day, and it had led to poor life choices and paranoia.

RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 11:11

Really not condoning anything, we've made that really clear & DDs friends think I'm a bit of a dragon tbh as I don't mess about when it comes to disciplining her, plus have cultivated my best, don't f" with me resting bitch face😆. It's not so much liberal, more being realistic. These kids are doing this anyway, as we did too (though quite a bit older) I'd rather not pretend that's not the case & be able to offer proper support & information to DD.

I'm bordering on cancelling, but DD isn't at fault here & she will be the one to lose out ☹️

OP posts:
Troubleshootingforever · 11/09/2017 11:12

I'm quite laidback 're patenting but in this case I would rethink the whole event. Very risky

ChicRock · 11/09/2017 11:14

This is what allowing your 14 year old daughter to smoke weed leads to.

Didn't take much for her friends to talk her into a bit of MDMA/Ecstasy, did it? What next?

She's only 14 and she's already making some piss poor choices on the back of your "liberal" approach.

I can't believe you'd even consider still going ahead with this trip.

Troubleshootingforever · 11/09/2017 11:15

It's not about who's at fault. It's about preventing a disaster, potentially life threatening. Imagine if your daughter did take a small bit and needed hospitalised or worse. Imagine having to contact a parent to tell them their teenager is in the morgue and that you knew they planned to take drugs.

Crispsheets · 11/09/2017 11:15

Cancel without a doubt.

ChicRock · 11/09/2017 11:16

How can your DD not be at fault - she's agreed to take some MDMA/Ecstasy.

Are you "cool" with it because she "only" agreed to a "little amount"?

PotteringAlong · 11/09/2017 11:18

Your daughter is planning on taking ecstasy! Of course it's partially her fault!

RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 11:19

I'm not getting into the usual MN bun fight. But will say one more time, we are not condoning anything, never have, never will, just being realistic about what's out there & what local teens get up to these days. My seemingly more "liberal" approach is based on friends with adult kids who took a different approach & went through years of hell when their kids turned out to have a drug problem. The ones that kept lines communication open as we are, got through these years without any casualties

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 11/09/2017 11:28

I can see why you've taken the more liberal approach, but surely you understand that not all the girls' parents will be on the same wavelength? Given that you're going to be responsible for them all during the camping trip, I'd say that you give your daughter the choice of a) trip going ahead but with absolutely no recreational drugs or b) cancelling. It's all too easy to imagine something going wrong and you would be 100% to blame when the parents get to know about it.

By all means continue your liberal parenting for your DD, but don't extend the trust and confidence to all her friends.

steppemum · 11/09/2017 11:29

yep, cancel.

ds is 14. I would haul his arse over coal if I found him doing drugs and he knows it.

It really is not normal for nearly 15 year olds to all be experimenting with drugs.
There are a group in ds year who do this, the rest of them think they are idiots.
ds cousins are older, (15-16) none of them do drugs, not even a bit of weed to experiment.

Would ds have come to me with concerns? yes, would he and his friends have asked for help in the scenario you described? yes. How do I know, well because we have talked to him so many times, where we have said if something goes wrong, if you make a mistake, if you find yourself in a crap situation, come to us, we will get you safe and well, no matter what, you can call us.

I know he trusts us, and I know that if the shit were to hit the fan, he would come to us.

Find something else to do.

OhWhatNowEarl · 11/09/2017 11:29

I would be classed as liberal by MN standards but no way involving drugs of any kind, I compromised sometimes on the amount of alcohol but made it clear any type of drugs would not be tolerated if he wanted to live in my home

My DS is 18 now and the only one of his friends who doesnt do drugs and is quite happy to have nights out with his friends and strong enough to say no

You need to cancel the trip

RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 11:43

Thanks for all of the replies.

Just want to clarify, we have never agreed to ANY drugs at her Birthday trip & have made that very, very clear. We did agree to maybe providing a few bottles of (weak) beer or cider only IF we had permission from ALL other parents

Also you are right, DD did eventually agree to trying a little after 3 of her friends set about convincing her. I'm not actually sure she was comfortable with that & even lied that I'd told her a story about my taking it & having a very bad time for several days. I did see her try hard initially to convince them otherwise & maybe just have said yes to get them off her back. Still not great though given circumstances & how vulnerable she is to a bad reaction.

& I'm angry because I do realise exactly what a vulnerable situation this puts us & them in.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 11:46

We don't agree with her & her friends taking drugs full stop, but as above, we live in a city with a drug problem. Talking openly & not being naive seems a far more sensible approach to denial

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/09/2017 11:49

It's come to my attention that DDs friends are planning bringing MDMA/Ecstasy to DDs camping trip with view to getting off their nuts whilst in our care.
That's a total game-changer so regretfully you have to cancel. Some of it might just be big talk but you can't risk it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/09/2017 11:51

Deep down DD might be a bit relieved you take the pressure off her by being the 'bad guy' cancelling it.

Nomoresunshine · 11/09/2017 11:51

Surely parents who don't say no are adding to the problem?
Leah Betts died from half an ecstacy tablet years ago when i was a teen. . .
Wouldn't want that at a party event I had organised. .

MrsJayy · 11/09/2017 11:52

Your child and friends are 14 you are being far to liberal she is 14 and smoking weed her you are condoning it this is why her pals are bringing drugs to her trip because you are the "cool parents" cancel it and if she misses out she misses out

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