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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How to Handle This Situation....

92 replies

RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 10:57

I've named changed for this, but I'm a long time, if not always so regular (these days) poster.

We've organised a big birthday treat for our DD who will be 15 soon. Several reasons why we've been unable to do much for her over the last several Birthdays, so we wanted to make this one special for her, which on her choosing is a camping trip with a small group of her friends.

We already know these kids, like most around here at this age have been dabbling with drink & drugs, cannabis been easier for them to get their hands on than beer. We do tend to take a more liberal approach with DD & believe keeping communication open with her & educating her about drugs, rather than denial, if that makes sense. As a result we've accepted her owning up to smoking a small amount of weed on rare occasions such as end of term parties etc, without a huge fuss, but strict rules that we always know when, where & who with, even having some control over where it comes from so we know it's as safe as can be .

This approach has worked well so far, as when her best friend got into trouble & took ill after smoking what must have been rocket fuel version of weed (at bloody youth club😖) DD felt able to call us for help. Which given the very vulnerable situation the girls were in, (hassled by older more predatory teens to smoke strong drugs) we are really glad about. DD has also listened to advice & didn't smoke any herself.

BUT, I've had a bad feeling this last few days, turned out that's not unfounded. It's come to my attention that DDs friends are planning bringing MDMA/Ecstasy to DDs camping trip with view to getting off their nuts whilst in our care. Having had a nosey on a SM account, DD was at least the voice of reason, given that we've already taught her the downside of this drug & others, emphasising that she is very high risk to dangerous side effects due to a health problem. Thankfully she has listened & was saying no she wouldn't, but was then talked into a "tiny amount" after 2 of the kids talked her into it describing when they've taken it before (one is only just turned 14😦)

I feel pretty bloody angry if I'm honest, this is going to be a big expense & major stress for us minding a small gang of teens who I had thought up until this point were fairly sensible. We had promised DD we would stay in the background & allow them to feel that they were camping alone, but be there with food & back up when needed. (& of course keeping a close eye, but from a distance)

I don't have parents contacts yet, bar one, we don't even know who they are, though I have insisted that we get permission & it must come directly from all parents or the teen who doesn't get that won't come. So far we haven't heard from parents, though all teens say they are coming.

I'm really not sure how to handle this. Part of me wants to insist that DD adds me to the group chat where this is discussed & I will tell them all myself in no uncertain terms that this will not be tolerated, we will spot it easily if they do take drugs & we will haul their backsides to the police & contact parents if anyone put us in that situation. It's dangerous given poor network/no wifi coverage where we stay.

Or just text DD that we know & nobody comes along who thinks that sort of behaviour is okay & we will cancel if theres even a sniff of it & I will be watching more closely from now on & hack her accounts if necessary. Considering contacting the school too, though we've had enough drugs info from them that I suspect they know. Though I can now name the 13 y/o dealer 😧

WTAF, did we let ourselves in for, I'm not naive, or didn't think I was, but bloody hell 😐

Ideas on how best to handle this appreciate

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 17:33

& MyBrilliant - spot on, no excuse needed, the truth is more than enough here

OP posts:
Justgivemesomepeace · 11/09/2017 17:39

Glad its sorted. Hope she has a great time.

RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 18:29

Just spotted your post Just, you were right in that she is secretly relieved not to be going now & turns out she has been stressing about it for days, which explains why I could sense something was wrong. She now like she's had a huge weight lifted off her shoulders

OP posts:
NC4now · 11/09/2017 18:40

Being strict doesn't come naturally to me as I'm liberal by nature but there are a few things I have to be firm on. Drugs is one, and that's not from a sheltered life.
I see too much through my work to know that if a 13-year-old is dealing drugs in school there is someone exploiting them and leading them down a very dangerous path.
It's a world I want my DCs as far away from as possible.

NC4now · 11/09/2017 18:41

Glad it's sorting out for you.

titchy · 11/09/2017 18:48

I'm genuinely delighted it's resolved. But your policy of being honest and truthful so that she can always tell you everything didn't quite work in this case did it? In fact she DIDN'T tell you and you found out by checking her SM. I'm still agog that you think it's normal for 14 to do E. sixth formers yes, year 8,9, 10 not the majority.

RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 19:14

Titchy, she told me BEFORE I confronted her.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
titchy · 11/09/2017 19:16

But she didn't tell you when she knew E was going to be there, or that she'd caved in to peer pressure and taken a small amount.

RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 19:21

She DIDN'T cave into peer pressure, she just appeared to but explained that & it fit. She couldn't tell me BEFORE she know E was going to be there, impossible, she DID tell me as soon as she knew it was more than just "talk"

OP posts:
SunshineAndSmile · 11/09/2017 19:49

Glad it's sorted out OP. Going forward I would encourage your DD to distance herself from this group of friends they really don't sound like a nice bunch. It is clear they are into drugs and they are keen for your DD to join in. She is finding herself in situations that are incredibly stressful and needs to move away from this or they will get to her eventually.

Runninglateeveryday · 11/09/2017 20:10

I was about to say I bet your DD would relieved if you cancelled. I cancelled DDs birthday party for a similar reason, she actually seemed like a weight had been lifted.

I'm not sure if it's area or just who they are drawn too but many of the 13-16 year olds around this area smoke cannibis, do mdma and acid trips, it's quite terrifying.

RockinHippy · 11/09/2017 20:13

I agree Runnning it's really terrifying. I had just about got my head around how many of them have smoked cannabis & so young, & now this 😩

OP posts:
gingergenius · 11/09/2017 20:14

Well done. Your DD sounds like a trooper and so do you OP. Glad it's resolved and hope she has a lovely birthday after all this!

MabelWotsits · 11/09/2017 20:16

I think you have a moral responsibility to tell the other parents their DCs are dabbling in powers and pills.

They ruin lives, trust me.

Butterymuffin · 11/09/2017 20:26

Her friendship group sound like very bad news. I would be working on getting her to see that and remove herself from it.

Pallisers · 11/09/2017 20:37

I also think her friendship group sounds way off. Is it really the case that nearly every child in the school is doing weed and contemplating worse at age 14? Is this normal in the UK?

Also agree that you should share with the other parents - at least with the mother of her best friend who seems to have been in some fairly sticky situations very young. But maybe you've already done this.

fleshmarketclose · 11/09/2017 21:16

Dd is 14 and what you describe isn't normal for her year group at all. There is a tiny minority who smoke, drink, use cannabis but they aren't seen as anything other than stupid tbh and most definitely not cool.
I'd be thinking long and hard about what needs to happen so that dd is extricated from the group she socialises with tbh because if she can't assert her own authority (without needing you to dig her out) and do what she thinks is right then she is pretty vulnerable being part of a group who indulge in drugs at 14.

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