How to Handle This Situation....

[RockinHippy]

I've named changed for this, but I'm a long time, if not always so regular (these days) poster.

We've organised a big birthday treat for our DD who will be 15 soon. Several reasons why we've been unable to do much for her over the last several Birthdays, so we wanted to make this one special for her, which on her choosing is a camping trip with a small group of her friends.

We already know these kids, like most around here at this age have been dabbling with drink & drugs, cannabis been easier for them to get their hands on than beer. We do tend to take a more liberal approach with DD & believe keeping communication open with her & educating her about drugs, rather than denial, if that makes sense. As a result we've accepted her owning up to smoking a small amount of weed on rare occasions such as end of term parties etc, without a huge fuss, but strict rules that we always know when, where & who with, even having some control over where it comes from so we know it's as safe as can be .

This approach has worked well so far, as when her best friend got into trouble & took ill after smoking what must have been rocket fuel version of weed (at bloody youth club😖) DD felt able to call us for help. Which given the very vulnerable situation the girls were in, (hassled by older more predatory teens to smoke strong drugs) we are really glad about. DD has also listened to advice & didn't smoke any herself.

BUT, I've had a bad feeling this last few days, turned out that's not unfounded. It's come to my attention that DDs friends are planning bringing MDMA/Ecstasy to DDs camping trip with view to getting off their nuts whilst in our care. Having had a nosey on a SM account, DD was at least the voice of reason, given that we've already taught her the downside of this drug & others, emphasising that she is very high risk to dangerous side effects due to a health problem. Thankfully she has listened & was saying no she wouldn't, but was then talked into a "tiny amount" after 2 of the kids talked her into it describing when they've taken it before (one is only just turned 14😦)

I feel pretty bloody angry if I'm honest, this is going to be a big expense & major stress for us minding a small gang of teens who I had thought up until this point were fairly sensible. We had promised DD we would stay in the background & allow them to feel that they were camping alone, but be there with food & back up when needed. (& of course keeping a close eye, but from a distance)

I don't have parents contacts yet, bar one, we don't even know who they are, though I have insisted that we get permission & it must come directly from all parents or the teen who doesn't get that won't come. So far we haven't heard from parents, though all teens say they are coming.

I'm really not sure how to handle this. Part of me wants to insist that DD adds me to the group chat where this is discussed & I will tell them all myself in no uncertain terms that this will not be tolerated, we will spot it easily if they do take drugs & we will haul their backsides to the police & contact parents if anyone put us in that situation. It's dangerous given poor network/no wifi coverage where we stay.

Or just text DD that we know & nobody comes along who thinks that sort of behaviour is okay & we will cancel if theres even a sniff of it & I will be watching more closely from now on & hack her accounts if necessary. Considering contacting the school too, though we've had enough drugs info from them that I suspect they know. Though I can now name the 13 y/o dealer 😧

WTAF, did we let ourselves in for, I'm not naive, or didn't think I was, but bloody hell 😐

Ideas on how best to handle this appreciate

I'd definitely cancel. I can understand why you've been more liberal and you can do that with your own child - but you will be responsible for everyone else's on this trip. You know they're going to bring drugs, what if one of them has a bad reaction and something happens to them - will you ever forgive yourself knowing that you could have prevented it? I wouldn't want that on my conscience.
It's not your DDs fault - organise something else for her instead. Although if my "friends" were pressuring me to do drugs I'm not convinced I would be considering them friends anymore.

Do you really think parents of drug addicted children were at fault of some kind because they took a hard line approach your child is taking drugs with your permission and do you really think your approach is any better your child could become addicted to this crap like any other.

Btw I am not judging you well maybe a little but these kids are using you as a security blanket

"Do you really think parents of drug addicted children were at fault of some kind because they took a hard line approach your child is taking drugs with your permission and do you really think your approach is any better your child could become addicted to this crap like any other"

mrsjay please RTFT. I have NEVER given my permission to take drugs & have made that very, very clear. Only that we will be less strict on punishment where she tells the truth & if her friends have drugs & she's in a situation where it will be offered, we insist that we know ahead.

We took advice on this approach from a good number of people, including friends who work in the field of dealing with teens and drugs. We also watched a close friend in complete denial that her then thirteen yr old DD was exposed to drugs and took the heavy handed approach, meaning her DD just hid it all and ended up going down a very dark path at only fourteen

I should have added, I was torn between cancelling & a heavy handed, we know, it will not be tolerated & if anyone thinks they know better & can pull the wool over our eyes, we will not mess about at contacting both police & parents. Considering threatening borrowing a friends sniffer dog before we set off too. Just don't know if this is enough, gobsmacked they are being so stupid tbh & the ring leader isn't the one I might have expected to push things 😕

I like your approach your Daughter feels she can talk to you at least ,i do feel however that a "talk softly but carry a bloody big nasty nail studded stick " would help then every one around (your daughter and her friends)would know not to cross the line ...........

Trip has to be cancelled. No question.

I suspect that she will be relieved. She sounds under quite a bit of stress trying to police her friends' drug-taking. It isn't fair to heap that responsibility onto her. You can't control the situation and you are an adult. How do you expect a child to do it?

She doesn't know how to say "enough is enough". Because she is a child. That's why you have to step in.

And yes you can take any approach you want in dealing with your child. But you will be 100% responsible for the safety of those other children. How relaxing is this camping trip going to be if you and your daughter are on edge constantly?

She's a child. Let her have a nice birthday.

I'd cancel - maybe give a different treat to my dd but you cannot be responsible for a bunch of 14 and 15 year olds who are hellbent on taking some serious drugs.

And frankly, if it were my 14 year old, and you knew they were planning drugs, went ahead with the trip, and then called the police when they did what you knew they would do, I'd be wondering what drug you were on.

I appreciate it is a minefield - I have 3 teens age 16 up. But honestly I think showing any tolerance for drug-taking (or even alcohol imo) at age 14 declares to you child that you are potentially a weaker link. 14 is way way too young. There is a big difference between " you will not take drugs so that is the end of the conversation" and "we will not tolerate any drugs at this age but we understand what the world is like out there so will be talking to you about it (and remaining vigilant)"

I think you wanted someone to say to you that you can ignore this/manage it/your kid is behaving fine/go ahead with the trip because that would be a lot easier. I can understand that but I really don't think you can - for your own child's sake if nobody elses. I know you don't want to hear this but you have a 14 year old (she is not yet 15 right?) who has already taken weed, has been involved in a frightening situation with older teens pressurising harder drugs and one of her friends getting into trouble, as well as giving into peer pressure and agreeing to take harder drugs herself. At 14. Your approach is not successful and you need to re-think it. These are hard years and you can start off with one approach and find you need to shift/dodge/weave/recalibrate over and over.

I agree with popchyk it is a hell of a responsibility for a 15 yrold to be watching out for her friends drug taking it would just scare me knowing these kids could be popping pills and anything could happen on this trip cancel give your dd a get out and be the bad guy.

You can dress it up however you like but you have agreed that your DD can take drugs, as long as you know when, where, who with and have some control over where they've come from. You've not only condoned it but are actively involving yourself in her drug taking - how are you controlling where it comes from? Are you supplying her?

I actually feel incredibly sorry for your DD.

Because you live in a city where drug taking is rife, you've approached this from the default position that she will take drugs so you might as well go with the flow.

Her friends are either a pack of bullies who have bullied her into agreeing to take Ecstasy, or her self esteem is so pathetically low that she will succumb to peer pressure and take drugs when she clearly doesn't want to, to fit in. How do you know this wasn't the case with weed too?

You've failed your DD badly here. You either need to protect her from these bullies, or work with her on building her self esteem so she doesn't feel she has to go along with everything this crowd do. Not pat yourself on the back for being so liberal.

Thanks everyone for the sensible replies. I will ignore & not engage the ones reading between the lines & making it up as they go along & have me painted as condoning taking drugs, or that that I'm their drug dealer 🙄

I too suspect DD will be relieved not to be in this situation, but I know she will be gutted if we cancel her party as she's been so excited about it, especially given she hasn't been able to celebrate her birthday in several years due to ill health. No way in hell do we want to be responsible for a group of drug addled teens in a tent in the middle of nowhere, without a way to call for help. They are mixed sex too, so even more tricky. Wouldn't want to be responsible in any situation & Im peed off this has happened as it's clear from what I've read that it's not about thinking that we are too lax & will let them, but thinking we are too thick to notice so they can fool us 😏

I'm also very shocked to learn a 13yo is dealing this sort of shit in school. I have threatened DD before that I will contact the school with names if anything happens again & really wanting to do that now, but bar being too weak to say no strongly enough. DD wasn't really at fault & was saying no. I suspect her remarks about maybe a little, were more about getting the ring leader off her back, than it was actually meaning she will take this drug, she knows how high risk she is & isn't silly enough to risk her health as she has a hard enough time with that.

Looks like cancelling is the only sensible option, just wish this had happened before we paid deposits etc, as it's money down the drain

Haha, thought as much, not prepared to answer just how do you have control over where it comes from then?

If you must know Chic, I meant knowing that they are not going to adult dealers where they risk getting a slap. Her friend was beaten up quite badly by one such dealer & couldn't even tell his parents the truth, preferring to say he had been mugged. This sort of thing is as worrying as them taking the damned drugs at all

They are getting the drugs from somewhere though - someone who is prepared to supply drugs to kids. Whoever that is there is a kid up the chain somewhere being put at risk.

You are right NC, I'm not comfortable with that either, but I'm much happier knowing that DD can & will talk to us about this stuff & honestly. This has happened last night & I haven't had an opportunity to talk to about it yet. I know she will be honest though

You were going to provide 14 & 15 year olds with cider/beer???
Honestly pet you're making a rod for your own back.
Please read back over your thread - your dd & friends drinking, doing drugs, someone took very strong stuff and needed help, someone got beat up, older makes being predatory, plans to take mdma/ecstasy, parents going to provide cider & beer at a mixed sex camping trip. Youre biggest worry seems to be is should you cancel the camping!!

I would cancel and explain to my DD why. Something dreadful could happen and I am sure you would not want that on your conscious. I understand why you have a liberal attitude but maybe (just maybe) it is coming across to your DD and her friends as too liberal and they now think anything goes. Without knowing you and your DD etc it is hard to say but I really would recommend cancelling.

Ah ok, so nowt to do with quality, strength or origin (which you kind of implied in your OP), just making sure they don't get a slap whilst buying.

Your daughter's dealer is another kid.

"Cool". 😎

Thanks for the further replies.

Put like that, you do make a good point, but don't worry that's not really that accurate. By a few beers or cider, I mean 1 weak can or bottle each whilst supervised around the campfire. Everyone we know & the school parents we do know too take the same more European approach to alcohol & kids. They are teens, it's far more attractive if they think it's outright banned. Out of those kids we know who are now adults, not one of them has a less than sensible approach to drinking. Most are actually teetotal. DDs friend whose parents we have spoken too, also takes this approach with drink & we are told all the other parents of the group take that approach too, though we won't be taking that as gospel until confirmed by parents & if one parent says no, there will be no can of drink

& yes NC, to a degree you are right about strength etc & no there's nothing cool about school age dealers. It's gobsmacking tbh, but it seems they either nick their parents home grown, or their parents are supplying, either way it's homegrown, not big time dealers, so far more likely to be weaker.

I have a dd this age, actually turning 15 tomorrow.She goes to a huge local comp in a not great area. There is a group of kids in her year into this kind of stuff but they are a tiny minority. This is normal life to some kids but absolutely not for most. I would be having words about the company she's keeping and try and find friends who aren't spending their time drinking, taking drugs, dealing, mixing with predatory older teens etc. Their have been some friendship group changes recently as a few kids weren't comfortable being around that group and good for them- they moved on.

Plenty of time for that when she's older and better equipped to deal with it.

I agree justgive. ds is 14 and there are a group in his year, but the rest think they are mad.

I know that at another local school there is a crowd that go out drinking, facilitated by parents at weekend. That is also seen as a weird group.

DD wasn't really at fault & was saying no. I suspect her remarks about maybe a little, were more about getting the ring leader off her back, than it was actually meaning she will take this drug, she knows how high risk she is & isn't silly enough to risk her health as she has a hard enough time with that.

You do know that all the other teens who are "pressurising" your dd into taking drugs have parents who think the exact same about them - they are pressurised by others, they wouldn't really want to take drugs etc. You do know that your dd would most likely have taken something - especially after a cider and a few puffs of weed to lower her judgement - except that you discovered what was going on - no matter what she says now.

Honestly, OP, don't want to give you a hard time but it sounds like your 14 year old is moving in an environment -school, youth club, friends -in which drugs are rife and going way beyond weed. The weak cider and "European" approach to alcohol resulting in teetotal teens is the least of your worries. I think your young teen and her friends need help - what is the school or youth clubs' attitude? Do they know what is going on? Has anyone bothered telling them? How about local police - do they care?

Are you willing to consider the possibility that your liberal or realistic approach hasn't done your daughter much good so far?

I thought I was quite liberal, but compared to you I'm really not. However DH and I have cultivated an open, honest, informative and respectful relationship with our 14 y/o DS and I can honestly say that he or his friends, have never yet been involved with

Drinking.
Drugs.
Being taken ill after consuming super-strength drugs.
Harassment by older predatory teens regarding drugs.
Moving on from cannabis to taking Ecstasy.
Mixing with a 13 year old drug-dealer.
Mixed-sex camping at age 13,14,15 where the parents will be supplying beer and cider.
Getting slapped around by their adult drug dealers...

In fact in my son's school the "cool" kids and the "nerdy" kids all rip the piss out of the stoners - the stoners really are in the tiny minority.

What really surprises me is the thing you seem most worried about, is money down the drain if you cancel the trip.

You talk about not being naive but I think you've been incredibly so.

I would cancel the trip without a second thought and start thinking about ways to get your DD away from this group that she's become entangled with.

If you think this isn't such a big deal, and you don't appear to think it is, then crack on and keep doing what you're doing, but seriously, when you get to the point of even joking about (and I don't think you were joking) considering borrowing a friend's sniffer dog , then you've massively fucked up somewhere along the line, sorry.

If there are one or two kids there who are into drugs, I wouldn't put it past them to slip something into the food or drink of those who refuse, just to 'liven things up'.
I have suffered this myself so I know it goes on.