How to Handle This Situation....

[RockinHippy]

I've named changed for this, but I'm a long time, if not always so regular (these days) poster.

We've organised a big birthday treat for our DD who will be 15 soon. Several reasons why we've been unable to do much for her over the last several Birthdays, so we wanted to make this one special for her, which on her choosing is a camping trip with a small group of her friends.

We already know these kids, like most around here at this age have been dabbling with drink & drugs, cannabis been easier for them to get their hands on than beer. We do tend to take a more liberal approach with DD & believe keeping communication open with her & educating her about drugs, rather than denial, if that makes sense. As a result we've accepted her owning up to smoking a small amount of weed on rare occasions such as end of term parties etc, without a huge fuss, but strict rules that we always know when, where & who with, even having some control over where it comes from so we know it's as safe as can be .

This approach has worked well so far, as when her best friend got into trouble & took ill after smoking what must have been rocket fuel version of weed (at bloody youth club😖) DD felt able to call us for help. Which given the very vulnerable situation the girls were in, (hassled by older more predatory teens to smoke strong drugs) we are really glad about. DD has also listened to advice & didn't smoke any herself.

BUT, I've had a bad feeling this last few days, turned out that's not unfounded. It's come to my attention that DDs friends are planning bringing MDMA/Ecstasy to DDs camping trip with view to getting off their nuts whilst in our care. Having had a nosey on a SM account, DD was at least the voice of reason, given that we've already taught her the downside of this drug & others, emphasising that she is very high risk to dangerous side effects due to a health problem. Thankfully she has listened & was saying no she wouldn't, but was then talked into a "tiny amount" after 2 of the kids talked her into it describing when they've taken it before (one is only just turned 14😦)

I feel pretty bloody angry if I'm honest, this is going to be a big expense & major stress for us minding a small gang of teens who I had thought up until this point were fairly sensible. We had promised DD we would stay in the background & allow them to feel that they were camping alone, but be there with food & back up when needed. (& of course keeping a close eye, but from a distance)

I don't have parents contacts yet, bar one, we don't even know who they are, though I have insisted that we get permission & it must come directly from all parents or the teen who doesn't get that won't come. So far we haven't heard from parents, though all teens say they are coming.

I'm really not sure how to handle this. Part of me wants to insist that DD adds me to the group chat where this is discussed & I will tell them all myself in no uncertain terms that this will not be tolerated, we will spot it easily if they do take drugs & we will haul their backsides to the police & contact parents if anyone put us in that situation. It's dangerous given poor network/no wifi coverage where we stay.

Or just text DD that we know & nobody comes along who thinks that sort of behaviour is okay & we will cancel if theres even a sniff of it & I will be watching more closely from now on & hack her accounts if necessary. Considering contacting the school too, though we've had enough drugs info from them that I suspect they know. Though I can now name the 13 y/o dealer 😧

WTAF, did we let ourselves in for, I'm not naive, or didn't think I was, but bloody hell 😐

Ideas on how best to handle this appreciate

Cancel the trip. One tablet can be enough to kill! You can't be 'liberal' with your child's life.
When she's 18 she can do what she wants, but right now YOU are the responsible one.

OP, I would cancel or the whole thing will just end in tears.

But you need to have a rethink going forward.

I brought my teens up in central London and they attended a posh school where lots of the DC had plenty of cash and freedom.

It was absolutely not the case that they all took drugs or even drank.
This generation are known as generation sensible for a reason.

I'd be asking some serious questions about the company your DD is keeping. Drug taking and drinking is not usual at 14/15. But of course the kids that do it say it is.

And by the way I've never even had weed and I'm almost 50 years old. My mum did all the drug taking, put me off for life!

I agree Just too & so wish that was the case around here too. Only it isn't, I said we know people working in this field, plus have plenty of high school teacher friends & I keep a close eye on social media too & the kids not experimenting are very much in the minority & seen as immature, or too nerdy by their peers ☹️ plus the various high school kids still interact a lot & even though DDs is a better school & are on the ball with this stuff, they are mixing with kids from all schools. The school obviously know given how frequently we get warning emails etc. I'm not sure how much more they can do, though I'm still tempted let them know about this.

As for YC DD isn't allowed to go anymore, which she's owned up to being happy about & I think it's a relief for her. She's gone to the younger group for years without problems, unfortunately the older group is a bit too mixed age for my liking having seen what can go on. I did let pass on what happened to the person there who we know. Unfortunately they know & are trying to stop it, but don't want to frighten away the most vulnerable kids who are often the ringleaders. So it's best we keep her away.

We even know people who have moved away to get their kids out of harms way, only to find out that there's a bigger problem in the small towns & villages they move to.

& I'm under no illusions that DD is a saint, she isn't, but in this instance she was the one saying no. TBH she knows we would do our nut over this & most likely cancel, so I do trust she wouldn't be so daft as to encourage this

OP, maybe you should move out of the sink estate? You daughter deserves nicer friends.

Sorry, but you think taking drugs is MATURE? Is this to do with being popular? OMG!

Please read properly Poison, the KIDs think it's more mature, they are teenagers!

& no sink estate here🙄 part of me thinks we might be better off if that's where her friends were from, at least they then probably couldn't afford to buy drugs

I thought I was a reasonably liberal parent. No way would I out up with this. Your daughter is so young still.

Personally I would cancel the camping trip and take my child away for a one to one trip and spend some time talking about where her life is going. I'd also be changing her school to help her make a nicer group of friends. And supporting her to find hobbies (especially sports) that would give her a much healthier outlook on life.

I hope this doesn't sound judgemental. It's tough at times being a parent.

rockin all schools and areas have the stoner crew.

But they are the minority. Especially at 14. The rest of the kids just steer clear.

Also I would take the advice of people you know who work 'in the field.' They should know that all the research shows that DC of that age are not using drugs or drinking.

Thanks News, I understand your judgement, but we are really not condoning any drug taking & only "maybe" a can of beer each as a special treat. DDs school is recognised as the best in the area on all levels, but they do interact a lot with other schools after school & unfortunately a good school doesn't mean teens aren't getting up to no good. They are teens.

Good point whoever mentioned spiking drinks, it's happened to me too. Though much older. I'm still gobsmacked at just how young all this crap starts these days 😐

I think you can still go ahead but you need to communicate your expectations in advance with all the other parents. 'Your child is your responsibility...you must ensure they do not bring/intend to purchase drugs/alcohol...if we find any child in possession of either we will be informing both school and the police.'

Be that nightmare parent if you want to go ahead with the trip. Doesn't matter if other parents are usually more tolerant. You will be responsible for these young teens and you've said there is no mobile signal should things go pear-shaped.

I rightly or not would come up with a reason for the trip to be cancelled, family crisis or the like. Sounds like your DD is being sensible and that your approach with her is sound.

I can see exactely why you have taken that approach. Esp because it's the one that is often the one advised by a lot of MNtters because, as you say, they will do it anyway so better that they do it a controlled way than hiding what they are up to and getting a real big trouble (like the time your dd rang you - see issue with older teens).

Cancelling the trip is one way.
The other is to make it very clear to all the teens involve and the PARENTS and drugs will NOT be allowed on the trip. And make it clear that instead of being in the background, you will actually be present, VERY present of need be and that anyone caught up with drugs will be sent back home.
I would make sure that the parents are aware too that they might well need to get up in the middle of the night to come over and collect their darling.
Make it clear to your dd that the issue isn't her but her friends and they are the ones you do not trust at all.

Aside from the b'day party, there is a question to ask about her friends an de the environment she is in. There seeems to be a lot of drug taking going round :( So in the top of carrying on talking to your dd etc I would also try and encourage her to get other friends (and ditch the youth club too!)

I'm sorry you're getting flamed here OP. You're in a difficult situation. I've always been very open with DD about drinking, drugs, sex - I couldn't see the point in lying, being hypocritical or pretending that teenagers wouldn't do what they want regardless. As such, I've always tried to tread a fine line between giving DD the information she needs to make informed choices, trying to ensure that she makes good choices in the circumstances and keeping all communication open at all times.

DD is now 16. She's just done very well in her GCSEs, is starting A-Levels, works part time, is very mature BUT does tell me everything, which sometimes I wish she wouldn't! She's discussed drinking, sex, contraception. She told me when she lost her virginity. She discusses drugs, parties. She's been at a school where there are a lot of wealthy teenagers, most of whom have been experimenting with drugs and alcohol for the last year. Some of their parents are aware, others aren't. I'm in a position where I know exactly who is taking what, where they buy it from and how frequently they're high.

I've done my fair share of drugs and DD knows this. I don't believe in lying to her or re-writing history. She knows that people take drugs and drink because it's fun and enjoyable. Same with sex. She also knows the dangers, that things can go wrong and what she needs to do to get help if she is in a situation that goes badly.

DD smokes weed from time to time with her friends, mostly at parties. She and her friends also want to try MDMA. All I can do is hammer home the risks, how to take it if she does do it, where to go for help and to keep the lines of communication open. Mostly I wish she wouldn't tell me, as then I would be none the wiser. Her friends don't communicate with their parents.

I'd say the vast majority of DD's friends (from both primary school and secondary, and now sixth form) do drugs. We're talking middle class and upper class families. Highly educated parents. The children are high-achievers with big aspirations. That's the reality.

OP - I don't know how to advise you. It's not a great situation to be in. I think, given that you're going to be in loco parentis for other children, you need to ensure that no MDMA or similar is going to be available, as frankly why would you want that burden of responsibility. But I think it's good that your DD can confide in you. I don't know that all the mumsnet pearl clutching is in any way reflective of the real world.

My kids are past this age, thankfully. I agree that you need to cancel. You seem to think that your r able to contact a lot of the parents to ask them about the kids drinking alcohol. Maybe have a think about contacting

I'm still gobsmacked at just how young all this crap starts these days 😐

London comp here. It doesn't start at 14. Your dd has. And that's something to be absolutely ashamed of. The majority don't start drugs at 14. Alcohol maybe, not ecstasy.

Yes school send plenty of emails, because it happens to a few so they warn everyone. That's doesn't mean the majority of kids take drugs at 14.

I suspect your friends who presumably work in this field have a limited experience of what is the rom.

And don't believe what kids put on SM - most of its bullshit.

Your dd has health issues, and appears unable to stand up to her peers. You should be coming down on her like a ton of bricks sorry. It is possible to have an open relationship with kids where they know whatever happens you're on they're side without resorting to 'I'll turn a blind eye as long as you tell me.'

And a mixed sex camp with alcohol - fuck me that on its own is asking for trouble. Or is drunken sex at 14 with no contraception also 'cool'?

... sorry.... Them about drug use?

Everyone we know & the school parents we do know too take the same more European approach

The European approach isn't a more liberal approach, allowing small amounts of booze at parties from a young age. It's not about encouraging people the idea that parties and fun require booze. It's more about treating alcohol as something to be enjoyed with meals and in moderation, not as a means to get pissed.

It's very hard to take the same approach in the UK as our whole drinking culture is just so different.

I'd go with your first suggestion OP and fwiw I get your stance here and don't think you've been too liberal. They would've done it anyway even if you'd come down hard on them and may have put themselves in more danger.

Time to put your foot down, set the boundary and draw the line.

MDNA is a step up from cannabis , one that they could die from taking.....it's time to step up and say enough is enough. No camping trip and your daughter's freedom curbed.....she's taking the absolute piss out of you!

I would find an excuse to cancel the trip (weather, family crisis, illness) and do something else for your DD instead. It seems like she is under pressure from these friends and you need to step in and stop worrying so much about a deposit. The idea of knowingly facilitating 14/15 year olds taking drugs and alcohol is just bonkers.

Sunshine, I don't see why she has to find an excuse to cancel the trip. I think, "No, the trip's off because you're all planning to take the piss and take drugs and think we're bloody stupid!" would do.

Your dd is strong enough to say No, she's secretly relieved you have banned her from going to the youth club. She's telling you she's not comfortable and out of her depth. She wants the boundaries there to help her deal with her friends. My dd 'secretly' feels relieved when I say no to stuff and she's happy to blame me when she wants to get out of things and feels pressured. Despite what you say I really don't believe that its only the 'nerdy/immature' kids that are not into this. My dd's school is not a good school, it's in special measures. Due to social media they are also in touch with kids from other schools deemed good/outstanding so the whole range. Not sure how relevant any of that is. They all have an element of this but definitely not the majority. Are you sure that is the reality where you are? Im just not getting that. I'd cancel the trip, it's just trouble waiting to happen. If she's feeling pressured to conform, I would imagine she'll find it really stressful being aware of what her friends want to do and the situation you are potentially going to end up in as a parent responsible for all this. Does she really want this or is it to appear popular/part of the in crowd? Would she really be happier to blame you for being an awful parent and cancelling her party to save face with them and do something more appropriate that she would enjoy more?

Thanks everyone.

FreckledLeopard, thank you, you sound exactly like us so far it's working for us too, but I get what you mean by sometimes we know too much as a result, but it's an approach that seems to working for us too & definitely has with several friends kids. You are also right about who these kids are, they are the ambitious high achievers for the same sort of backgrounds

By way of update, I'm pleased to say the problem is now resolved. DD has come home in tears & told me everything, she was already anxious about the trip as she put it, "because, my anxiety makes me do that with everything & I thought I could push through it & be okay" These friends changing the game plan & in her words "ruining her Birthday" has meant she's been an anxious mess over this & she's happier got it to be cancelled. Bless her she even insisted on paying the deposit out of her savings, which of course we turned down.

She said that she only agreed to try the MDMA to shut them up & that she spoke with them again today in person as she knows they argue less face to face. She did convince them they shouldn't be doing it or putting us in that situation as it's too dangerous. Thankfully her BF who was the one who took ill & we had to rescue was also backing DD & is too scared to try it too.

They did all agree in the end not to take drugs or get drunk when camping with us, but DD owned up to recently counselling another friend who was badly messed up for a few weeks after her usual friends group spiked her drink with MDMA, she was suicidal for 2 weeks & had no one to talk too. Thankfully this has also frightened DD & her BF off, but has left DD not wanting to risk a couple of her own friends spiking drinks at her party. She has said she doesn't think they would do that, but it's making her really anxious, which is making her feel ill & she prefers not to go camping in favour of just hanging out & with them for the day & has agreed to us buying dinner & cinema tickets instead... phew

Not getting into debates about how prevalent this is, it definitely is around here. You are right about the stoner groups in schools, this exists in DDs school too, but these are kids who smoke everyday & much more. They are also the ones spiking drinks at parties. DDs group like most, but not all, of the kids at hers & other local schools are the very occasional smokers. Ironically the kid who suggested getting it, used to be part of the real stoner group, but hangs out with them less as they are too full on :-/