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House rules for dd (13) and boyfriend - help!
35

GallivantingWildebeest · 19/02/2017 16:25

Dd has been going out with a boy for 6 weeks. They usually fispear up yo her room, door closed, and kiss. Dd had a rash around her mouth earlier... I have spoken to her, and said the door has to stay open, but what are your house rules? This is all new to us...

Also, we picked up her boyfriend and took him back to ours at 11 today. He just said his mum will come to collect him at 8.30. Dd has school tomorrow So I said 6 would be better - is this reasonable?! Dd not happy but she has to bath, get ready, pack bag, etc.

I have his mum's mobile number but haven't had to text her yet. Dd and bf make their own plans. She just seems v young for all this... How much freedom do your DC have?

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frenchfancy · 19/02/2017 16:27

At 13 boys were not allowed in the bedroom and certainly not with the door closed. 6pm seems reasonable for any visitors in a Sunday.

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GallivantingWildebeest · 19/02/2017 16:36

Thanks, French, that's helpful. Wherevdid they hang out, then? We have a playroom downstairs but Dd has grown out of it.

I guess one option would be to to covert that into a TV lounge for Dd and friends...

and when did you start allowing boys into bedrooms??

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BoobleMcB · 19/02/2017 16:46

If the door is closed, I doubt it's just kissing going on. Or if it is, it won't be for long. I think what you have said is very reasonable. Have you spoken to her about safety/protection/pressure/expectations?

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GallivantingWildebeest · 19/02/2017 16:57

Christ, don't say that, Booble! Yes, we have spoken about sex and mobile use/sexting, plus what's appropriate and not, but I think I need to have a chat about expectations. Thank you.

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Hercules12 · 19/02/2017 17:02

Oh God. Dd is 13 and we're not at this stage yet. No advice.

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Hercules12 · 19/02/2017 17:02

Meant to say poor you!

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Chasingsquirrels · 19/02/2017 17:04

We have a playroom downstairs which I have just got a corner sofa to make it more den like - for this exact reason! They don't need the floor space for intricate train tracks any more. It has a TV and the Wii in there.

Ds1 (14) had his girlfriend round for a few hours after school and they were in his room. Now they can go into the playroom (which is next to the lounge).

If he had been there since 11am then 6pm sounds fine, or 5pm even so you can all then have tea together after he's gone

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Blastandtroph · 19/02/2017 17:06

I'm not in this situation (yet) but at 13 I don't think I'd be at all comfortable with a doors closed policy. I don't know how responsible and 'mature' they both are, but it risks them/him/her seeing this as a 'green light' to more than kissing. I'd also sound out his parents for their thoughts

  • as a Mum of a DS(13).
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GallivantingWildebeest · 19/02/2017 17:13

Thanks, all. Right. Shall think about changing playroom into a den. It has glass doors too - much better...

And will talk to Dd tonight.

I've only met his mum a few times briefly and Dd has never been round to his house - complex family situation - so wouldn't feel comfortable talking to his mum about it.

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BoobleMcB · 19/02/2017 17:34

I didn't mean to sound alarmist Haha, I am not saying that they will suddenly be at it like rabbits. More like @Blastandtroph said. You don't want to be encouraging them to experiment further.

Converting the play room sounds like a brilliant idea though

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Akire · 19/02/2017 17:38

Sounds like a good rule to start other wise when's she 14,15 16 when they could be getting up to all sorts you will only have the "it's so unfair you let us go upstairs before".

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Floofborksnootandboop · 19/02/2017 17:42

If the door is closed, I doubt it's just kissing going on. Or if it is, it won't be for long

That's ridiculous, you don't know that at all. My DD is 14 and likes her door closed so people aren't listening in on her conversations or she doesn't have to listen to other people's. Of course when her and her boyfriend were up there the door were always open and that wasn't ever up for discussion.

I have older kids too, 16, 18 and 19, and they had to either have the bedroom doors open or be downstairs until they were 16. At first I didn't let them up to rooms with girlfriends/boyfriends at all but once more than one of them had someone over at same time it got a bit harder as they didn't want to hang out in the same room.

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GallivantingWildebeest · 19/02/2017 17:50

Thanks, Floof - Dd will have her door shut generally even when she's by herself or when friends are round.

Just been up, and boyfriend is in Dd's bed! Clothed... Dd on chair by bed, chatting. Hmm. Are teen boys more confident than they used to be?!

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BoobleMcB · 19/02/2017 17:51

floof that statement relates to her being up there with her BF!

You go from calling me ridiculous to then stating that your children had to have the door open of course and it wasn't ever up for discussion

Complete contradiction of yourself there

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NewPuppyMum · 19/02/2017 17:53

Relevance of the rash?

Something wrong or just too much kissing?

Seems they both have too much say in your house about what goes on.

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NewPuppyMum · 19/02/2017 17:54

Maybe she heard you coming and jumped out quickly?

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Itmustbemyage · 19/02/2017 17:56

They may not be doing anything beyond kissing. But be prepared that whatever rules you have in place in her own home will not stop them being alone together in other places or his home, if your DD ever goes there. Teenagers do not need to be in bedrooms to "experiment". speaks from bitter experience

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GallivantingWildebeest · 19/02/2017 17:59

New puppy - rash = kissing.

Jumped out of bed - don't think so.

But did you actually have any sensible advice, or have you just posted to criticise?? Hmm

Bf has no say about what happens; Dd has some say. But I was wondering what other people do, as this is new to me.

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Wallywobbles · 19/02/2017 18:05

We don't allow opposite or unruly guests upstairs. They have to prove themselves before that rule gets bent. Assume the worst always and work on your rules on that basis.

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Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 18:08

Have you told her about the legal age to have sex?

In my house the boy won't get a chance to step through the door. I remember my daughter having a friend who was a boy from her class at 5 or 6 years old. I invited him to play with her at my house. It didn't go down to well with her dad. Can you imagine his dd coming home with a boy at 13.

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Monkeyface26 · 19/02/2017 18:09

Am v jealous of the playroom with glass doors. I think it's understandable that teenagers should want to chat without adults hearing but kissing behind closed doors is not a precedent you really want to set as things will progress eventually. Making a cool tv lounge/games room is a brilliant idea.
However sensible your dd seems, it is worth considering whether you ought to have a 'no mobile phone with the door shut' rule too. I thought my dd and I had discussed sexting sufficiently that she would never do it. I was wrong. Now, we have that rule. It's a great idea to think this stuff through now while she's 13 & more likely to be accepting of the rules.
Don't feel under pressure to answer requests immediately either. It really helps to answer the "Can I.....?" questions by saying "I'd like to think about that". I wish I'd done that a bit more as teenagers so much less accepting of a rule change later than they are if you start as you mean to go on.

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esiotrot2015 · 19/02/2017 18:10

How old is the boy?

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GallivantingWildebeest · 19/02/2017 18:15

Thanks, Monkey.

Edito, he is 13 too. But a confident 13.

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GallivantingWildebeest · 19/02/2017 18:17

Yes, Dd knows the legal age for sex. And she is sensible. But this is her first boyfriend...

She showed me the Valentine card he sent her and it was sweet, but he also said he loved dd and how important Dd is to him. It was quite intense.

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Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 18:17

I would want my dd to hold onto her innocence and enjoy her childhood for as long as possible. Is there to much talking and not enough boundaries in the home. To much pressure at a young age to have boyfriends, sex and to goof around.

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