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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Looks like DD14 is seeing an 18yr old. Can you help me handle it properly please?

105 replies

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 12/01/2017 23:12

DD has spent a few weeks now out and about, keeping herself to herself and just not being involved as much.p lately, attached to her phone etc.

I was tidying upstairs just now and saw, what looks to me like a love bite on her neck. I didn't say anything but she knows I saw it.

DD2 is still floating about getting ready for bed and when I went in to pick up in her room and turn her light out she said did you see it? And then said DD1s boyfriend is 18 and told me his name.

so, my 14yr has her first boyfriend and he is apparently 18. I remember, probably doing similar at her age and it all fizzled out due to me not being old enough to join in with their older activities and his friends ripping the piss out of him. TBH I probably got bored before he did of the relationship but it was warmer hanging out in his car instead of the park.

But the mother part of me wants to scream you are never seeing him ever again.

I understand girls may at times be more mature than boys but 18 v 14, really?? In my mind I can only think of one thing he wants from my daughter.

What should I do?

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 14/01/2017 16:49

but.....i would have died if my mum messaged any of them and it would have absolutely destroyed any chance of me confiding in her about anything. she came to the door once after one of the lads walked me home to say hi and they had a lovely chat, couldnt you orchestrate something like that as an initial intro?

GahBuggerit · 14/01/2017 16:52

also to throw in a curveball - very easy to give yourself something that looks like a lovebite, we used to do it all the time

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 17:09

very easy to give yourself something that looks like a lovebite, we used to do it all the time. Im Trying to work out which is the bigger question here

How or why

P1nkP0ppy · 14/01/2017 17:14

Anatomically impossible to do one on your own neck GahBuggerIt!

I'd be very worried if it were my 14 year old op, she's hardly going to admit having a sex life to you is she? I know I would have lied through my teeth if my DM had ever questioned me about my love life!

GahBuggerit · 14/01/2017 17:20

why? obviously, we thought they looked cool Hmm

my mum expresed the same disbelief and asked me to show her, so i did Grin

last time she ever called me a liar

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 17:30

You didn't say how?

GahBuggerit · 14/01/2017 17:38

grab a chunk of neck skin in one hand, form a circle with the thumb and first finger on the other, quickly grab the skin in the circle and twist. makes a red blood vessely type bruise that looks just like a lovebite.

sorry didnt think people would actually want to know how!

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 17:39

I'm just baffled that anyone would want to do that to themselves, however it's done tbh. What an embarrassment.

SoupDragon · 14/01/2017 17:39

Every day is a school day!!

GahBuggerit · 14/01/2017 17:46

well yea but try telling that to a 13/14 year old back in the 90's Grin wasnt embarassing at all back in the day

we were all pretty clued up though just acted the Big I Am. At 17 we would have vommed at the thought of going out with a 34 year old, i guess we have all done things we wouldnt do now.

Scarftown · 14/01/2017 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 18:05

Sometimes part of protecting our children means doing things they are not happy about. I would look at the bigger picture tbh. I would absolutely not be allowing this relationship to continue. When we tell our kids they can talk to us about anything it is important they are also aware that may then lead to us taking action to protect them that that may not be happy about. Otherwise the message is you can tell me anything and I won't be able to do jack shit about it.

Madratlady · 14/01/2017 18:08

I would be discussing contraception in your position, and supporting her if she does want to go on the pill or some other form of contraception. Even if she doesn't plan to sleep with him or tells you she won't, there's always the chance she might. Better that than a pregnancy to deal.

dressinggownsandkidsintowns · 14/01/2017 18:15

Reality16 I'm not being funny but that was my dm take on things and I rebelled in a huge way and left home at 16 to live with a 28yo druggie so although that may be what you want to do, it may not bring the results you want long term

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 18:16

Dressing you are but one example.

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 18:18

I wouldn't be discussing contraception. No way. I would be happy to with an under 16 in an equal relationship but no way on the earth would I do anything that may condone nor encourage this. This is a 14 year old CHILD.

GahBuggerit · 14/01/2017 18:19

no, the message is i will help you work through it, especially important when its something like ghis that has potential to backfire massively in so many ways. thats looking at the bigger picture imo

op would be telling her dd that she doesnt trust her if she tries to stop whatever relationship is going on, best case dd sees her arse and forgives her mum after a while, but just hides stuff better next time. worst case? i wouldnt like to say.

GahBuggerit · 14/01/2017 18:23

and yes op contraception talk may be worthwhile, but could it be done from another angle? does your dd suffer badly with her periods etc where the pill may help?

Madratlady · 14/01/2017 18:24

Reality I understand that and I certainly wouldn't want my child being sexually active at that age and I would be doing what I could to prevent them being in a situation where that could happen but you can't realistically stop your child going out ever and plenty of 14yr olds are sexually active. it's important that they know about safe sex, whenever they use that knowledge. If she wants to have sex then she will, regardless of what her mum does or says. My priority would be protecting my child and in this case that would include from stds and pregnancy. I would also be discussing consent.

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 18:26

Nope I would make damn sure no adult was anywhere near my child. If that meant keeping her home or having police involved then so be it. She is 14. I would like to think I would do better for mine at that age than get them on the pill Confused

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 18:27

I understand plenty of 14yo are sexually active. I already said in an equal relationship I would be happy to support at the right time. But a child, with an adult? No fucking way.

GahBuggerit · 14/01/2017 18:27

and agree with dressing, one of our group had a mum who forbid her from hanging around with us as she thought we were unsuitable friends, she just honed her bullshit skills to a fine art and was pregnant at 15.

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 18:33

I wouldn't forbid my child to choose her own friends. That's a bit out of context. I would however do everything i possibly could to stop a relationship between my child and an adult. I'm just so confused that so many people seem to find this even remotely acceptable. It isn't.

GahBuggerit · 14/01/2017 18:39

the concept is exactly the same. controlling distrusting forceful mum trying to stop her dd from doing something she felt was unacceptable, dd rebelled, oh did she rebel!

and noone has said its fine, some of us are simply sharing with op a different way to handle it without cocking it all up.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/01/2017 18:43

I think messaging his mother is a great idea. Good luck. I'd be terribly upset - I have a 14 year old.

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