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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Looks like DD14 is seeing an 18yr old. Can you help me handle it properly please?

105 replies

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 12/01/2017 23:12

DD has spent a few weeks now out and about, keeping herself to herself and just not being involved as much.p lately, attached to her phone etc.

I was tidying upstairs just now and saw, what looks to me like a love bite on her neck. I didn't say anything but she knows I saw it.

DD2 is still floating about getting ready for bed and when I went in to pick up in her room and turn her light out she said did you see it? And then said DD1s boyfriend is 18 and told me his name.

so, my 14yr has her first boyfriend and he is apparently 18. I remember, probably doing similar at her age and it all fizzled out due to me not being old enough to join in with their older activities and his friends ripping the piss out of him. TBH I probably got bored before he did of the relationship but it was warmer hanging out in his car instead of the park.

But the mother part of me wants to scream you are never seeing him ever again.

I understand girls may at times be more mature than boys but 18 v 14, really?? In my mind I can only think of one thing he wants from my daughter.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Reality16 · 14/01/2017 13:16

Mousy. 100%

I said upthread, this nonsense idea of inviting him round and trying to get to know him is quite bizarre. He is 18, and although people disagree (in order to minamise) that IS a grown man. I get that some are moreover mature than others but for Christ sake if an 18yo was buying the neck of my 14yo the last thing I would do would be invite him over for a cuppy.

Also mentioned this upthread, potential police matter if it were mine.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 14/01/2017 14:36

He obviously isn't welcome in our home, I'm really concerned hence posting here. Her dad is livid and is telling her so so I'm trying to keep it neutral so she feels like she can talk to me.

I've found him on fb and his page is open to the public. His relationship is "complicated" Angry

I really don't know what to do? Should I call 101, DD will go mental if she finds out but I know I have to do as much as I can to protect her.

OP posts:
Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 14/01/2017 15:00

I've found his mum on FB. Should I message her and what do I say?

OP posts:
KimmySchmidtsFakeXmasSmile · 14/01/2017 15:11

"Hello. I'm DD's mum. Would you mind having a quick chat with me? I'm sure your son is lovely but DD is only 14 and came home with a love bite on her neck. I am trying not to be overprotective but as I'm sure you can appreciate I have concerns."

But expect your daughter to flip out when she finds out.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 15:16

When did he turn 18, when will she be 15?

I would tell DH to STFU.

I would keep talking to her as you have done.

My parents hated my bf when I was 15/16 & he was 20, for no reason other than our age difference. The boyfriend I had at 14 (he was 15) that they loved, he was far more invested in getting into my knickers. The 20 year old was loving, kind & patient. I wanted to have sex with him, he kept saying 'No, you're too young, I don't want you to regret it'. When we were both sure I wouldn't, irrespective of whether we stayed together or not, we started having sex, properly. We were together 10 years and we are still friends.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 14/01/2017 15:20

He turned 18 just before Christmas and DD has a good few months before she turns 15.

Kimmy that message is a good one, my head is all over the place, I'm trying not to over think it but I'm still out of my mind with worry google isn't helping

OP posts:
KimmySchmidtsFakeXmasSmile · 14/01/2017 15:23

Well, would you feel the same way if he was 15? Because, from experience, my first boyfriend was my age more or less and that didn't stop him wanting a proper sexual relationship rather than a more platonic first-base one.

PerspicaciaTick · 14/01/2017 15:24

Before you involve the police (and I'm not saying you shouldn't) take a short time to plan how you will explain this to your DD and how you will protect your relationship with her to minimise the long term fall out. Personally, I would want to have some sort of plan in place before calling the police. Of course, it might turn out that she is relieved for you to take the lead and help her extricate herself from a tricky situation.

KimmySchmidtsFakeXmasSmile · 14/01/2017 15:27

But you cannot get him charged with anything if they both deny it.

KimmySchmidtsFakeXmasSmile · 14/01/2017 15:29

^assuming you wanting him to be charged with statutory rape that is.

Mousybrown · 14/01/2017 15:33

He won't nessasary be charged but it would be logged as a crime

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 15:38

If you want to ruin your relationship with both of your daughters, for life, then call the police. If you don't, then calm down & just keep talking to her. You can't say what you said to her last night then start callingbhis parents & the police if you want any kind of half decent relationship with her.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 14/01/2017 15:40

I've messaged a friend who has lived here for years and years.
Apparently he is a really kind and funny lad, I've been told his mum and dad are also really nice and she reassured that they are approachable so I'm going to send mum *Kimmy's" message.

This is all assuming that he knows DD is only 14 isn't it? And I asked DD about sex, she said no way. I trust her, she is mature for her age, a bit of a worrier. My plan is to tell her I'm only making sure she is safe and it's my responsibility to make sure she is.

I'm taking on board the comments about sex crazed 15 year olds as well, no I wouldn't feel the same because I'm assuming an 18 yr old will have a lot more experience and expectations, I may be wrong.

And, it is wrong isn't it, she isn't old enough to consent and I can't get over why an 18yr old wants to hang out in the park with 14yr olds.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 14/01/2017 15:50

My dd is the same age and there is no way she would be going out and about again until I was sure she wasn't seeing him again. Way, way too young and totally inappropriate.

I would be concerned about how and where she met him. My dd is only allowed to add people her own age from school onto her social media (which we follow her and check her on and she knows this) and we know all her phone passwords etc. On school nights she is only allowed out with her best friend and has to be home by 4.30pm if they are in town. If they go back to her house I will pick her up at 8pm or her friends Mum will bring her back. This is the friend she has had since 4 years old. At the weekend similar rules apply.

If she even started hanging out with someone aged 18 I would be horrified to be honest. 14 is still a child. 18 is not.

KickAssAngel · 14/01/2017 15:51

So DD has a love bite but isn't his girlfriend? How does she see their relationship? It doesn't sound very clear. Either she's minimizing/lying, or unsure herself. It could just be that they are friends who 'make out' sometimes, but there's no way for you to tell.

Keep talking to her - the idea of contacting his mum for a 'quick chat' and stating her age is a good idea. His mum may just think that DD is part of a group of friends and NOT associated with her son at all. I would assume that most caring parents would want a word with an 18 year old who is dating a child to make sure they know what the situation is legally. Far too easy for a group of friends who hang out together to blur over ages and just think of them as 'about my age'.

Fairylea · 14/01/2017 15:53

What I was trying to get at is that somewhere there she's added him on Facebook / snapchat / text or whatever to build a relationship and to me that would be an instant no because of the rules we have about social media etc for our dd. She knows if she breaks them there is no more social media / phone.

KickAssAngel · 14/01/2017 15:56

At that age I hung out with older teens. My sister was 3 years older, and the bigger crowd of us spanned about 4 years in total. BUT it was also clear that I was one of the younger ones. There were jokes about "you're too young for that" if they were talking about films/TV etc that was for adults.

I never dated any of my sister's friends (somehow that felt yuk) but I can see how it could have happened, although mainly dating happened across a 2 -3 year age gap.

dressinggownsandkidsintowns · 14/01/2017 16:00

My first bf was 21 I was 14yo
My dh I met when I was 15 and he was 29
And lots of others all older but the advice I will give you is the same as I will do if my dd has the situation. Invite him for tea and play nice, the calmer and nicer you are and the less bad you have to say the quicker he will disappear or show himself to be a lovely lad. Trust me her friends will do all the work for you if you are nice about him their duty is not to be and guess who she will listen to 

Disclaimer: dh thought I was 18 and I thought he was 22ish, he ran a mile when he found out and took 6 years before we sorted ourselves out 

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 14/01/2017 16:00

fairy I asked how they met. Apparently he is a cousin of a friend that just started hanging around with the group she is in with. There are a lot of them and I don't know them all.

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate all the different views and approaches.

OP posts:
Mousybrown · 14/01/2017 16:25

What is she like normally? Is she a risk taker? Does she like to go out to parties and have a drink etc or is she still a young 14?
There is a big difference in 18 year olds also.... I would want to know who he knocks about with and why he is interested in someone her age.

I know we all think we did this kind of thing at that age but the world is a difffernt place for teenagers nowadays........I would be inclined to keep a close eye and make sure he knows you know he is on the scene.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 14/01/2017 16:41

She is older than her years, normally very responsible and tells me when her friends have done something risky where she has stepped in and sorted it all out. She also thinks she knows everything and will do what she wants which is the only area we clash in - time to come home etc

I havent messaged his mum yet. I've thought about asking her to get a contact number from the lad?

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 14/01/2017 16:42

we all hung out in a big mixed group of 13-18 year olds. me and my friends told the boys we were 16

and lovebites.......oh the brand of lust......which was always as far as it went and we thought they were cool

none, zero, none of the boys were these sex crazed walking hard-ons, they were just fun to hang around with as thd boys are own age were so bloody immature.

iiwm id just keep talking to her, christ do not involve the police unless you are doing some sort of experiment on how to fuck parenting up or unless an actual crime is committdd, just keep talking without pushing too much. i would bet all i own that shes either being dishonest about his age or dishonest about hers.

FantasyAndHope · 14/01/2017 16:43

I think your handling it well. Keep been chill though because you want her to be able to come to if someone bad happens, i.e they do have sex and its unprotected and she ends up pregnant. You want her to be able to come to you so keep been semi-supportive even though you might not support it fully she will go against your wishes she's a teen. They rarely listen to us. They make mistakes but as long as you keep reinforcing the possible dangers I think it'll be fine. Not all 18year olds are the same so he could turn out to be genuine and wait till she's ready.

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 16:44

The thing is, she said no way to sex to you. That doesn't mean that she will say no way to him. He has already branded her with a live bite on her neck. That's really sickening if you ask me, live a trophy type thing for him. It's already got a sexual part to it, so don't be so sure that it won't progress. But I have to say even if it wasn't remotely sexual, he is 18 and she is just 14. Regardless of her maturity she does not need an 18yo boyfriend to try and impress.

As for all the people saying they went out with a guy years older when they were kids (yes, just kids) that's doesn't make it ok. I was with a guy twice my age when I was 17 and looking back now I find it really creepy. What did he see in me? I was barely out of my childhood, I can't help thinking sometimes that he would have liked younger but wanted to play it safe. Sadly my mother wasn't interested in protecting me so the relationship was allowed to continue. It wasn't even a bad relationship, but it should never have been a thing. Whenever I see the guy now (20 odd years later) it makes my skin crawl.

Reality16 · 14/01/2017 16:45

Keep been chill though because you want her to be able to come to if someone bad happens, i.e they do have sex and its unprotected and she ends up pregnant.. No. stand up and protect her and stop this absolutely ridiculous relationship.