Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Looks like DD14 is seeing an 18yr old. Can you help me handle it properly please?

105 replies

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 12/01/2017 23:12

DD has spent a few weeks now out and about, keeping herself to herself and just not being involved as much.p lately, attached to her phone etc.

I was tidying upstairs just now and saw, what looks to me like a love bite on her neck. I didn't say anything but she knows I saw it.

DD2 is still floating about getting ready for bed and when I went in to pick up in her room and turn her light out she said did you see it? And then said DD1s boyfriend is 18 and told me his name.

so, my 14yr has her first boyfriend and he is apparently 18. I remember, probably doing similar at her age and it all fizzled out due to me not being old enough to join in with their older activities and his friends ripping the piss out of him. TBH I probably got bored before he did of the relationship but it was warmer hanging out in his car instead of the park.

But the mother part of me wants to scream you are never seeing him ever again.

I understand girls may at times be more mature than boys but 18 v 14, really?? In my mind I can only think of one thing he wants from my daughter.

What should I do?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 13/01/2017 15:49

OP is he at your dds school? If not then he may be older than 18.

SoupDragon · 13/01/2017 15:56

He may also be younger than 18 and DD2 is mistaken/DD1 exaggerating to make herself look cool. I would approach this with no preconceptions and take it from there.

Ohyesiam · 13/01/2017 16:12

I would want to meet him, and get the measure of him. I would also try to keep my mind as open as possible, to find out more info, as this will give you better leverage, and make you better and to protect your daughter.
Any 14 year old worthy of the word teen will find a way to rush straight into his arms of you start laying down the law. But he might not even know her age, and his reaction to your reminding him that sex with her could put him in the sex offenders register might be to finish with her.

Reality16 · 13/01/2017 16:17

I just can't see how anyone would want to get the measure of a grown man dating a child. It's clearly wrong on all levels.

bruffin · 13/01/2017 16:22

lol at an 18yr being seen as a grown man.
what is it with these 18s dating interested in 14 yr old threads at the moment. Seems to be a few of themHmm

SoupDragon · 13/01/2017 16:22

Whilst legally an adult, 18 is not a "grown man"

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 13/01/2017 16:44

bruffin would you please link some recent ones for me. I did a search and the last one I found was in 2013. I'll take any advice and reading material after all, this is my little girl we are talking about.

OP posts:
Qwertie · 13/01/2017 16:56

I don't really have any advice, OP, but your DD cannot consent to sex and you do need to parent her in this situation. How you do that I don't know.
I had sex at 14, because I wanted to be cool/not be dumped/not be called frigid. I was pregnant at 16 and married the boyfriend who continued to be sexually abusive to me into my 20s when I left him.
My parents ( & the family planning clinic) were of the opinion that "you can't stop young people having sex" However, when your child is below the age of consent and in your care, you must do your best to protect them from having. I do not belive that any 14 year old girl would enjoy sex, but she will probably be highly motivated to allow it to happen due to the reasons above.

0dfod · 13/01/2017 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AddictedtoLovely · 13/01/2017 17:00

I'd want to go apeshit. Of course he wants more than to hang out, they have at least been snogging and giving love bites.😡

bruffin · 13/01/2017 17:02

there has been 2 in the last week. one about a 18 year old girl liking a 14 year old boys facebook page and another one in the last few days about an 18 and 14 year old.

RainbowsandLemonDrops · 13/01/2017 17:06

I remember being 13 and having 17 year old boyfriend. My parents went crazy, would absolutely have non of it. They unplugged the phone, grounded me, dropped me to and from school and watched my every move.

As soon as their backs were turned I did what I wanted anyway. I would have an open and honest conversation. Maybe invite him round? Your DD may be more open and honest with you then.

Gooseberryfools · 13/01/2017 17:12

What ever you do don't go in all guns blazing and get her back up. Ask her to tell you about how she met the boyfriend, where they hang out and say you'd like to have him back for tea. I would also mention that it would be illegal for him to have sex with underage girl (would get into heap of trouble) and ask if he's aware of that.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2017 17:20

This was decades ago so no mobiles, social media, and a young girl's 'freedom to roam' was restricted by society at large, but I met my ex-husband when I was 14 and he was 21. Admittedly I looked 17 but looking back now it does make me wonder what he saw in me! I realized much later, he was looking for a victim.

My parents heartily disapproved but took the attitude that if they made things 'difficult' it would burn out. So he was allowed to come and see me at my house. We could be in the living room or screened in patio but we knew that a parent would walk through at regular intervals. We were allowed to walk around the neighbourhood as long as we were in view of the house. We could go to my high school football (US) games as long as my dad was going and we sat within his view.

Why he hung in there is beyond me (I wish he hadn't!) but he did. We were allowed to start 'dating' when I reached 17, although I was allowed to 'group date' with school or church friends at 15, and to date boys closer to my own age at 16.

Through it all my parents never said I should break up with him although they never liked him (and with good reason), they just gently encouraged me to date guys my own age. Unfortunately, the 'status' of dating a 'college man' was a big part of what kept me with him. Long story short; I married him, they were right, he was abusive, we divorced.

KimmySchmidtsFakeXmasSmile · 13/01/2017 17:25

Hmm. Tricky. You ban it, they'll find a way, romeo and Juliet drama. You welcome it, you are condoning sexual activity probably (I would not expect two years of abstinence, it's not a realistic scenario).
I was 15 and with someone a few months older. Went on the pill, lost virginity at 16. Possibly too young at 15 to be doing stuff in retrospect. If the bf has experience there may well be pressure of sorts.
The idea that girls from 14 onwards would get no pleasure though from activities is also unrealistic: everyone is unique and develops in their own time. Bloody hate love bites though, immature and hurt. Not sure about the maturity of the bf on that alone!

I think you need to sit her down and explain your concerns: especially safe sex, need for condoms, the law in the UK and family planning clinics availability. At least she has confided in you. It comes down to whether she is a mature teen/he is an immature teen...or the other way round which, with a four year age gap means >likely she might come under some pressure. Whilst she will always be your little girl, at 14 she is a young woman but vulnerable: it's a difficult age. In Germany the age of consent is 14 and the cut-off point for exploitation is 21 though. I would invite the guy round for dinner and try to gauge from that how they are together/whether a call to his mum might be in order.

Doowappydoo · 13/01/2017 17:26

I agree with odfod
I would talk to her calmly, find out as much as you can and then talk to her again once you've had a chance to think it through. You don't know where she's at yet - she might be uncomfortable with it herself but I agree that going apeshit and laying down the law is probably going to have the opposite effect: My parents did this and it probably made me stay in a crap relationship far longer than I would otherwise have done because it was forbidden and us against the world etc etc

I think you're right to be concerned and I can see others point that meeting him might indicate that you accept this but I think you have to if her view is that this is a serious relationship, you need to get the measure of him and it might well frighten him off.

mamalovebird · 13/01/2017 17:35

I got asked out by a 17 year old when I was 13 (we all hung around the local skate park). I told my dad. He said it was okay but had to meet him first. The lad arrived, dad took him into another room and had a chat. We dated for about 3 months (which was an eternity at that age!).

Sure, we snogged etc but he never tried to push me any further, even though I was smitten and may have considered it. It fizzled out but I have fond memories of my first boyfriend.

Not ALL 18 year olds are after one thing. He might be a nice lad. I sure as shit am going to raise my DS not to view girls in such a one dimensional way.

WannaBe · 13/01/2017 17:37

Have an honest discussion with her. I went out with a nineteen year old when I was fourteen/fifteen, but in my case the reality was that I was mature and he was not. The circumstances were different though but I know that my parents were slightly concerned but as I was at boarding school there was very little they could do. The BF's mum seemed very off with me at the time and I assumed it was that she didn't like me. With hindsight I think that the age diference was just a concern for her. No-one ever banned it though. His mum invited me to stay for weekends and my mum asked if I ought to be on the pill.

In our case sex was never on the cards in fact I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21, and to the best of my knowledge I'm not sure he ever has. Grin the relationship just ran its course because I grew up and he didn't, and I moved on.

At her age I would be honest and have a conversation with her around A, safe sex, and B, the fact that she is still under age and that for her having sex is essentially illegal as she cannot consent. But the more you try to ban them seeing each other the more she will want to be with him.

I would also talk to her about why she has felt the need to be secretive, that fact alone makes me think that she knows that what she's doing is wrong. But point out that if she's going to start having things like love bites then people will start to notice, and comment....

I never felt the need to hide my relationships from my parents because I never believed I was in the wrong.

frenchfancy · 13/01/2017 18:01

One thing I would do is limit their opportunities to be alone in the house. If she is normally home before you make some reason for someone else to be there. Do not allow her in her bedroom with him. Make it difficult in anyway you can without forbidding the relationship.

One other thought (from my own experience) - is she getting something from him that is missing in her life? Money, attention, transport?

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 13/01/2017 22:07

I've had a chance to talk with her, she denies he is her boyfriend, she has met his mum but she isn't sure if his mum knows how old she is.

I broached contraception, sex offenders list and STI but she hugged me a laughed "mum... I'm not doing that "

Not sure what my next move should be?

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 13/01/2017 22:17

She's met his mum. I think it is time for him to meet you.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 13/01/2017 22:27

I said he is welcome here just to grab something to eat or hang out for a bit, especially now the weather is so cold. I'd prefer them and friends here than hanging out in the cold.

She said ok, but as long as her sister wasn't here or her dad, they will always be here when I am?

OP posts:
Confutatis · 14/01/2017 02:01

Don't overthink this one, certainly not at the moment. Accept her denial and keep a watchful eye. I wouldn't be pressing to meet him; you may get to meet him earlier if you are seen as being less invasive now.

It sounds like she thinks her sister has ratted on her; that would explain your last sentence; I would ignore that comment about everyone else being out for now.

It sounds like you handled it very well and you have a good relationship with your DD. She knows he is welcome in your home; that's good. You've opened up doors into adult conversation, too.

0dfod · 14/01/2017 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mousybrown · 14/01/2017 11:16

I'm a bit shocked by the replies you have had and I though I was pretty laid back.
He is 18 and he's given her a love bite which suggests some level of sexual activity. She is a minor. I would not be inviting him for tea.
I would be seriously questioning what type of 18 year old is interested in a 14 year old and why.
its difficult because you can't 'ban' her from him but I would be exploring with her what she thinks his i tensions are and possible reasons behind it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread