Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DD Suspended from Uni

328 replies

Velvetlady · 25/10/2016 15:30

My 17 year old DD has been asked to leave her halls of residence and has been suspended from her course. Last week, she had friends round for a drink and things got out of hand. Neighbours complained to the Police about noise and a window was broken! One of DD's friends invited boys round once DD had gone to bed & one of them stole food belonging to her flatmates! My DD apologized to all involved and replaced the food and paid for the window to be fixed. However, the other day DD got called out of class to speak to the head of her course and the Accommodation Officer. They had a letter from DD's flatmate reporting her for drinking alcohol under age. DD was asked to leave the halls by 5pm and has been suspended from classes until a disciplinary hearing. DD wasn't able to pack her in time and had about half her belongings thrown out by the security guard. I'm so angry at DD! However, I do feel she has been treated harshly for one episode of bad behaviour. Has anyone else had a child go through a disciplinary at uni?

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 26/10/2016 08:41

I too will add an "Ah, nursing!" comment.

Your DD needs to go into that disciplinary full of remorse and assurances that she has learned a valuable life lesson! She won't be given a second chance, so she must make the most of this one.

That will include accepting her responsibility for what happened due to her choices.

The tit for tat behaviour may well be the most difficult for her/you to get a handle on. I know we could always handle the big stuff but teens being all out nasty to each other was something we could only watch, discuss and just hope they grew out of it before someone got really hurt.

Sadly, in both boys and girls, once such silly, childish, emotionally immature behaviour starts out tends to spread like wildfire, as so many youngsters have no idea how to cope with it... can't blame them really, how often do we have posts about staffroom nastiness and Wendying here?.. so many respond in kind, and it escalates.

I hope she manages to understand and accept the 'unfairness' of all of this and can take on all the advice and support she is offered.

Stopyourhavering · 26/10/2016 09:47

If she's doing nursing and has posted something regarding regarding these parties/ flatmate on FB, Twitter, Instagram she can be hauled over the coals by the NMC as well as the Uni as bringing Nursing into disrepute....a tough learning curve for her but Nursing is a very strict degree when it comes down to personal behaviour. I do think some time away from uni and maybe working in a nursing home would be of some use to your daughter, she sounds too immature at the moment

specialsubject · 26/10/2016 10:16

Good on the flatmate for not having the playground 'dont sneak' attitude of some of the possible adults here.

People who piss about with education, and thus ruin the chance for others, deserve all they get.

Hopefully consequences will produce improvement.

2kids2dogsnosense · 26/10/2016 10:49

Good on the flatmate for not having the playground 'dont sneak' attitude of some of the possible adults here

THIS^^^^

Hard on OP's daughter (and I do feel for her - she's probably just a silly little lass), but is affects everyone else and can't be allowed to continue.

I hope she is allowed to go back to her course, OP, slightly older but much wiser, and makes the most other opportunity this time.

lazymum99 · 26/10/2016 12:46

My DS1 was thrown out of halls a few years ago. But as the rent guarantor I got phone calls and emails to explain what was going on and was asked to talk to him about it. He was also given warnings and the chance to change his behaviour and stay. I don't want to go into details of what was going on but it was serious and there were mental health issues too. In the end it was a case of he leaves or they involve the police.
The halls were private and they reported to the university. Due to the mental health issues he was allowed to take an interruption of studies and continue the following year.
Luckily they got another student for his room, otherwise I would have had to pay the rent for the rest of the year. However, lost the deposit because of the industrial clean the room needed.
I am surprised your DD was not given warnings and that you were not contacted earlier.

Topseyt · 26/10/2016 14:30

OP, I hope you are all OK today.

I too would say that Pikachu's posts sound spot on.

Your DD must be contrite and remorseful in order to have a chance of staying on her course, not go into the hearing trying to justify herself.

She is very young still at 17, may have got swept up in things and been rather naïve too. She has to show now that she IS mature enough to have learned her lesson and reassure the panel that if they do allow her to stay there will be no further trouble.

Assuming that they do allow her to stay, she will have to be squeaky clean from then on as it really will be last chance saloon.

Good luck. Hope you are able to talk to her soon and get through.

SoupDragon · 26/10/2016 14:42

Good on the flatmate for not having the playground 'dont sneak' attitude of some of the possible adults here

The flatmate reported a 17 year old for drinking alcohol. The chances of that flatmate not having drunk alcohol as a 17 year old are small.

NerrSnerr · 26/10/2016 14:51

'The flatmate reported a 17 year old for drinking alcohol. The chances of that flatmate not having drunk alcohol as a 17 year old are small'

The flatmate also had food stolen and a window was smashed and the police called so I think it's fair she reported her.

purplefox · 26/10/2016 15:15

The chances of that flatmate not having drunk alcohol as a 17 year old are small.
And that means she should condone, and end up being responsible for other 17 year olds doing it?

She'd be the first to blame if something had happened to her.

Aderyn2016 · 26/10/2016 15:24

The flatemate is not responsible for what the 17 year old does - she isn't her mother. Personally, I think it is none of her business if the OPs dd drinks. She'd have a right to kick off about strange men being in the flat/her property being taken etc, but not the drinking imo

OurBlanche · 26/10/2016 15:33

She would have reason to if:

  1. It contravenes the rules of the Halls and so might put her own tenancy in danger
  2. It contravenes the rules of the course they are on and might bring her own conduct into question
  3. She does not drink / does not enjoy the drunkeness in what should be her own safe space

If OPs DD were my flatmate at Uni I probably would have done much the same... as a mature student I just shouted a bit, but did threaten to report those on the 1 year Bar course with calling their tutors!

Blaming the flatmate is an exercise in futility. She had every right to complain she did complain, moaning about her will change nothing!

scaryclown · 26/10/2016 15:47

I still think its disgusting for her flatmate to take the firsy opportunity to use 'the rules' to try and fuck up a flatmates career. I know which flatmates will be warm hearted problem solving team players and who will be workplace bullies.

Reporting minor breaches to poke the finger and colleagues in the hope it makes you seem competent is the first sign of a bad worker. Whilst your DD will learn some lessons, i hope some of them are about finding out who in the team is working against the rest.

corythatwas · 26/10/2016 16:01

scaryclown, we don't actually know how unpleasant and threatening the situation was for the flatmate

if the noise was enough to make the neighbours complain, there were 4 unknown males in the flat, a window got broken and food was stolen, that could well be suggestive of a situation which even a warm hearted problem solving team player (aka teenage girl) might have found quite threatening

"who in the team is working against the rest" suggest that there is a team, with some sort of common goal to work against

corythatwas · 26/10/2016 16:02

sorry, don't know where the 4 came from

lazymum99 · 26/10/2016 16:21

I still don't understand why she was not given a warning that this behaviour is not acceptable and if it occurs again she will be evicted. Unless she was warned and has kept quiet about that.
However, I was informed when the warning went out. But the behaviour continued and quite rightly he was thrown out.

scaryclown · 26/10/2016 16:31

No, sorry thats just not how it works.

A flatmate of mine at uni invited a chippy queue back to our flat. It was a bit of a nighmare, but manageable, we gave her shit for it, went on a bit about how it could have been risky, she was mortified and didn't fo it again. We carried on supporting each other socially, emotuonally and intellectually through our particular degrees. We each made a few mistakes and we all accommodated. Thats how it works. Problem solved with maximum benefit to all, improved relationships, increased trust, and no damage to anyones career, reputation, life, family relationships or anything. The 'max-win solution.

The reporting girl in this case chose the 'max lose' scenario and if it had been a shared tenancy.. all other flatmates would have borne the cost...if it had been a work example all other team members would have to take on additional work...

People who point fingers at the forat opportunity then draw fire in from the hierarchy onto collegues when its unnecessary (the problem was solved, food can be bought, windows can be fixed), and better, when the reporting girl brings soneone back and has no coffee there is credit in the 'social bank' for mutual support. That's how it works, and why good teamwork is effective. now all those transactions of trust are eroded if not destroyed for the length of the tenamcy. That is why 'max lose' problem solving is bad, bur on you go...max lose is very #votetrump and #brexit so maybe I'm just not fashionable...

expatinscotland · 26/10/2016 16:50

'No, sorry thats just not how it works.

A flatmate of mine at uni invited a chippy queue back to our flat. It was a bit of a nighmare, but manageable, we gave her shit for it, went on a bit about how it could have been risky, she was mortified and didn't fo it again. We carried on supporting each other socially, emotuonally and intellectually through our particular degrees. We each made a few mistakes and we all accommodated. Thats how it works. Problem solved with maximum benefit to all, improved relationships, increased trust, and no damage to anyones career, reputation, life, family relationships or anything. The 'max-win solution.'

Oh, bullshit! I had flatmates who invited randoms back who then tried to get into my bed with me, who stole and ate food I could not afford to replace, damaged or took property I could not afford to replace, cost us all our deposit. But we're all supposed to just hold hands and sing kumbaya? FUCK THAT! People like this have NO fucking respect for others, for whatever reason (immaturity, selfishness, stupidity, etc). Fuck putting up with someone who treats others like this.

There is nothing 'warm-hearted' about strangers who come into your home because your arse flatmate opened the door, or her stupid friend did, and then take and fuck up shit you cannot afford to replace or try to get in your bed and grope/rape you.

I'm glad to see uni's taking a hard line on this. Too immature to behave yourself? Stay at home.

People are paying a shitload of money for this education, getting into debt, who would allow some idiot who has no boundaries or respect to fuck that up for them?

expatinscotland · 26/10/2016 16:52

Flatmates are a business transaction, not a 'team'. You're there to share out the costs of the living. And when one person ramps that up by their behaviour, fair play to those who get rid of them.

scaryclown · 26/10/2016 17:01

Well now we've spotted two workplave bullies. I note that you arent capable of using your own personal authority to manage situations, you need an 'other' to do the difficult bit. That's not maturity.

I also note your name. Presumably 'English in Scotland'?

Topseyt · 26/10/2016 17:03

What bollocks, Scaryclown.

My experiences were much more akin to expat's. They were not at all unusual either.
I was glad to get to my second year when I could house share with people who had become friends and whom I trusted more. There were still tensions through.

I am glad unis are cracking down now, and not before time.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2016 17:05

Yes, of course, someone who doesn't put up with their flatmate's bullshit is definitely a workplace bully Hmm. Plenty of teenage women just don't feel a lot of 'personal authority' when confronted with 4 strange, adult, inebriated males. Thankfully, society recognises that and we have things like security wardens and police.

Is there an issue with English people in Scotland, or is it that just you being a bigot?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 26/10/2016 17:07

I also note your name. Presumably 'English in Scotland'?

How is that any of your business where someone comes from?

OurBlanche · 26/10/2016 17:08

I did wonder, expat! I couldn't imagine what else I also note your name. Presumably 'English in Scotland'? could possibly mean!

Topseyt · 26/10/2016 17:13

It did sound like rather a bigoted comment. Not sure that it was at all relevant to the thread.

scaryclown · 26/10/2016 17:15

Apologies to the OP This little spat here is a good illustration of why i believe your daughter should be supported. 'expat ' has shown a little of the psychology behind people who report for minor, already solved, situations..they just cannpt think of the big picture and start waving 'big swords around..not managing people, getting rid of those who disagree with whatever it is they think is important at the time. Some in this flat are like this. The big picture is your DD ,learning life lessons making mistakes with people who wont drop her in it for everything they can, and learning how to minimise the influence of career wreckers and in the end, get her quals and contribute to the industry..ideally by helping those arpunder as well.

the reporting girl no doubt views 'succeeding' as 'making sure people around me fail' which is typicalbully behaviour and clearly doesnt want the best for the industry (all games raised to their maximum) but is a face-stepper..i am an inch taller than the others because i am stepping on their faces. medicine is a team game, so her flatmate is showing the wrong characteristics.

I wpuld talk ti the uni..they accept the jostling in this flat is problematic, and suggest a move and watching brief. be led by your DD in this as she's fine. slightly misguided sociability is totally 100% normal and commendable ..and makes you a better nurse. Shouting 'security' and exaggerating behaviours to get people into trouble escalates patient discomfort. Understanding snd managing it deescalates and problem solves.

You learn a lot at uni!