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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Pregnant teenage daughter HELP

39 replies

Normoyle1969 · 20/08/2016 09:41

my 17 year old daughter found out she was pregnant yesterday we are all still trying to get our head around it and she is undecided what to do her bf has said its either a baby or him!
I dont think she is strong enough emotionally to have a abortion and i dont want her to,my moto is if you think you are big enough to have sex then you are big enough to deal with the outcome.
Im trying to find out what help is out there for her emotionally and financially if someone can point me in the right direction that would be great

OP posts:

WhatTheDickensian · 20/08/2016 09:46

Don't steer her away from abortion just because you have a moto. Also you seem to suggest that she isn't strong enough for an abortion so she she raise a baby alone. I have to say that single parenthood without qualifications takes more strength than an abortion IMO.

I would try not to steer her at all. Lay out her options: abortion, adoption or keep the baby. Be clear how much you would help her if she keeps the baby. Could she continue to live with you? Tell her you will support her whatever she does. Contact BPAS for counselling.

Did she have plans for after school? How much will this change the vision she had for her life?

Missgraeme · 20/08/2016 09:50

I hope she has dumped the bf with that attitude. I had my first baby at 17 and it want the end of my world. I had family support (I was living with bf and we spent lots of time with his and my family) My mother wasn't there for me so your dd would have that in her favour. She is now 27 and is an absolute gem of a dd!! We have a very close relationship and she is proud of what we have. She feels no shame in having a teen mom!

SanityClause · 20/08/2016 09:50

I think she needs impartial advice, so she should go to Marie Stopes or y will not push her in either direction.

You and her boyfriend both have quite strong views it seems, and she is being pulled in all directions.

She needs to know you will be there for her, whatever her decision. Clearly her boyfriend is not there for her, and is playing the emotional blackmail card. Don't be like him!

SanityClause · 20/08/2016 09:51

Sorry, first line should read "...Marie Stopes or BPAS; they..."

MrsJayy · 20/08/2016 09:51

Your girl needs some practical advice not emotional advice she needs to speak to somebody unattached and unemotional her Gp is a good start guilt tripping any woman into keeping a pregnancy is not on it is her life not yours on the boyfriends

Crispsheets · 20/08/2016 09:52

I think coping with a baby is harder than having an abortion.
Easy for her bf to issue ultimatums..he can walk away at any time

Meloncoley2 · 20/08/2016 09:52

I think you are in shock right now. How many weeks pregnant is she? If it is early it gives more time to process and come to the best decision for her and her future.

MrsJayy · 20/08/2016 09:54

What I meant it is her decision what has she said she wants to do

SanityClause · 20/08/2016 09:54

I should also point out that deciding that you don't want to be pregnant, and having a termination is a very grown up way of "dealing with the outcome", and may well be a better decision for her, at this point in her life.

FuturesAChanging · 20/08/2016 09:55

Please don't force your views on her, it will affect her for the rest of her life and your relationship with her. If she is not far gone, an abortion is just medication. If she can't deal with that if that's what she wants then she will struggle.please get her to see her Gp, one of the places suggested and let her go without her. Let her choose the course for her life, she can't decide her whole life on your one motto

MilkyChops · 20/08/2016 09:57

The boyfriend has to go baby or not. What a disgusting attitude to have. It takes two to make a baby and all that.

17 is very young and she needs to be honest with herself, does she have life goals or ambitions that she wants to achieve before being a mum or is she ready to do the mum thing now and go back to life in few years.

I don't see anything wrong either way as long as she has made the choice and not been pressured.

I'm a grown woman and still accidentally got pregnant..twice. I was in the right place in life but whatever age you are an accident is an accident.

She needs to talk to someone impartial and away from her circle.

FortyFacedFuckers · 20/08/2016 09:58

Sorry op I agree that being a teenage parent takes a huge amount of more strength than having an abortion if that's what she wants. Please don't push her to make the decision you want, tell her options and tell her much you will support her with both options and allow her to make her own decision. How many weeks is she?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 20/08/2016 09:58

my moto is if you think you are big enough to have sex then you are big enough to deal with the outcome.

I know it's an emotional time for you all, but I seriously hope you haven't said this to her.

This seems to mean that because she had sex you want her to be punished.

Having an abortion is also dealing with the outcome.

At the moment you have strong views and so does her boyfriend, she needs impartial advice and space to get her head wound what she wants to do.

I'm not sure she can go to Marie Stopes at the moment actually, but you need to get her some support and you need to allow her to into any counselling she is offered alone.

Trills · 20/08/2016 09:59

my moto is if you think you are big enough to have sex then you are big enough to deal with the outcome

I agree that having an abortion is absolutely a grownup way of dealing with the outcome.

MrsJayy · 20/08/2016 10:02

Most areas have a young persons advisory service maybe she could go there and talk to somebody she has to much going on to do this alone

specialsubject · 20/08/2016 10:04

Is she strong enough for years as a single parent?

It is entirely up to her. Having a baby as punishment ( for her only) is not the answer either.

trafalgargal · 20/08/2016 10:21

Yes you are right if you are old enough to deal with the outcome ......which includes deciding if abortion is the right decision for you.

I feel really sorry for your daughter .....a shit of a boyfriend and a mother who is inflicting her beliefs on her just as much as the BF is.

Is her Dad around to give her the emotional support and space to make her own decision ?

Pikawhoo · 20/08/2016 10:21

Being 17 and a single parent with no qualifications isn't a great position to be in.

What would she be planning to do otherwise?

SuburbanRhonda · 20/08/2016 10:26

Agree she needs to talk to someone who isn't pushing their own agenda onto her.

That rules out both you and the boyfriend.

MostlyHet · 20/08/2016 10:27

What she needs from you is not mottoes but reassurance that you will be there for her, no judgement, no strings attached, whatever she decides, be that abortion (which is, as others have pointed out, a very grown up choice), keeping the baby or adoption.

SlimCheesy2 · 20/08/2016 10:28

It is up to her. She needs to talk to someone neutral (a bunch of times if required) and then you need to support her emotionally whatever she decides to do.

Million2One · 20/08/2016 10:28

I think coping with a baby is harder than having an abortion

This. Having a baby at 17 is a really bad idea. I know people can do it and it can work out ok but it's a bad idea. There is a good reason that teenage mums have a much, much higher risk of PND than older Mums.

How pregnant is she? Has she got other plans? College? Uni? Etc.

OohMavis · 20/08/2016 10:31

What a helpful motto. I'm sure she's really appreciating your words of wisdom at this horrendously stressful time in her life.

She needs to be able to think without being pulled in two different directions, you are no better placed to advise her than her boyfriend at the moment.

Get her to talk to her GP for a start. Whatever she's going to do she needs to decide quickly.

Million2One · 20/08/2016 10:34

If the BF said those exact words then that's terrible but surely he is allowed to have an opinion. He obviously is in no position to insist or pressurize the OPs DD to abort but having a baby has massive implications for him too. (I say this as a parent of girls and boys)

I know at that age my then BF and I were ridiculously careful with contraception and had already 'agreed' if I were to get pregnant then I would have an abortion. Obviously, had I actually got pregnant I would have been able to choose what to do.

Yestotallyunreasonable · 20/08/2016 10:35

I dont think she is strong enough emotionally to have a abortion

Then she surely isn't emotionally strong enough to have a baby.

Get her some independent counselling. Listen to her. Love her. Support her in whatever she chooses to do and don't tell her what you think.

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