15yr old son constantly ignores curfew

[Frusmum07]

Hi, I'm new to this!
My 15yr old son is constantly coming in late, rude, refusing to do chores and seems to have very little respect for me. It's really wearing me down. 😔

Sounds like a typical rebellious phase.

Are his chores / curfews realistic for his age?

What time is his curfew and how late is he? Do you give him pocket money. Perhaps paying him for chores done would work?

His curfew has been extended to 22:30 during the week and 23:30 at weekend, as I thought this might be a good compromise, but he has regularly been over an hour late or more.
He has a list of household chores which have various tariffs, he owes me money due to him damaging a door after an outburst so he's not happy I'm sticking to my guns that he pays me back.

I'd scrap the curfew and tell him/discuss what a suitable time for him to be home by would be before he goes out each time if it's possible. 10.30 on a school night seems quite late in my opinion but 11.30 at weekends seems reasonable but it depends on the circumstances.

How late is he? If only a bit late I'd probably say nothing unless I was waiting up for him to lock the door.

How often does he go out and where does he go? Could he bring his friends to yours sometimes instead? Could you say that he can stay out later if he can get up in the morning without you chivvying him perhaps?

I wouldn't pay him for individual chores either, unless he asked for that system. I give an allowance - it's cheaper than giving DS money for rubbishy (soft) drinks and junk food every time he asks - when it comes out of his own budget he loses his taste for these things! But that's just my opinion. I usually only ask DS to put his laundry in the basket - he sometimes irons his clothes on an as-required basis - and sort out his room himself and do occasional stuff requiring brute force. Maybe that's a cop out on my part, but our household is very peaceful and good natured except on the whole.

I think your curfew is reasonable for his age. Him is the same age and has a similar curfew. He also argues that this is too early and "every one else can stay out as long as they like"
I don't care about everyone else, He still has to get up for school, and will have to get up for college come September and so a good nights sleep is important. Teenagers need a lot of sleep (more than they think) as their bodies and brians are going through a massive change.
But I think that this is an age when they are naturally rebelling and pushing against authority which in this case is you.
Teenage years are really difficult for the child and parent, trust your instincts. If you son doesn'e 'hate you' at this age your doing it wrong

Thankyou all so much for your input, I feel that I've tried every one of your pieces of advice and still haven't come to any harmony.
It's almost daily conflict, which is stressful for both of us ., and Yes, he does tell me he hates me.
Tomorrow is another day eh? X

It does sometimes feel like that but your never alone this thread is still open if you want to pop over

I don't know any fifteen year olds that are allowed out until 10.30 during the week, where's he going?

Surely the consequence of breaking curfew is that he isnt allowed out the next day? (Or the next 7 days in my house)

I have to admit i also think 10.30 is late for a weeknight. At 15 mine had to be home by 9.30 at the latest, especially with school the next day. And the weekend it was 10.30 unless there was a particular reason for then to be later, a party or whatever. Having said that my two were respectful and any rudeness or attitude was dealt with swiftly. This was instilled in them from a very young age.

Amputation of the internet is usually quite effective . but rudeness, destruction - what is going on?

I also think 10,30 is late for week days, Ds is 15 next month and he has a lights off at 10,30 during the week he's home by 9 - 9,30 the latest week days. Weekends generally are the same, now that it is summer maybe 10 - 10,30 at the weekends but it doesn't really happen.

DS is also rude(ish) and pushing boundaries but I tend to bottle it up for a month or so just warning him he's pushing it until I actually explode and have a proper go. That makes him realise and he behaves again (for about 2-3 days and we start again).

10.30pm sounds late tbh. What the heck us he doing outside at that time if the night? Is he staying at friends?

I realise many of you have never been in the situation where a child has kicked back against authority from day one, despite every possible tactic being tried to control them. I have attended numerous parenting courses, there has been outside service input for most of my sons educational life, but he continues to push boundaries with minimal respite. I'm relieved in a way that many of you are shocked, as it shows you haven't experienced this, but I came to use this platform hoping that perhaps someone else might have been in a similar position.

Move to the countryside. Proper rural. He'll have nowhere to go to then. Bed by 10 he'll also learn to drive sooner saving you lots of taxi runs when he is older

Sorry to joke OP, i realise this is very hard for you and your latest post sheds more light on a tough situation than your initial posts did so people perhaps didnt realise how bad things were.

Thanks MrsSpecter, jokes are always welcome x

Blimey my DD who us the same age goes up to bed 9.30pm as she's knackered. I'd be worried about what he's up to.

What makes you think no one has been in the same situation? Ds absolutely pushes the boundaries ALL the time but there's still no way be out at 10.30 at night without me knowing exactly where he is. He's 15 not 17! I don't know any child of that age group who is not in bed at that time on a school night and I have a wide circle of friends/ aquanteinces. What are the sanctions for staying out late- do you remove his phone, internet? Who are his mates, what are they doing every evening?

To be fair, I did say many.
We don't live in a city, so he is often at friends houses which are close to home, surfing, skating or playing in a band.
I do remove the Internet, refuse to hand over cash if it's not earned, remove computer,ground him, but often this does not make any difference.

Who are his mates and how old are they ?

Consistency? Or are you 'trying' the various disciplines for less than a month/week and then deciding they 'didn't work'?

My dd is 15, mostly great but also wilful, stubborn, and could debate for the UN!

I'm too soft (despite her claims otherwise ) but even I would ground her for a week if she were over an hour late!

Her curfew is 10pm but she's usually in earlier as her friends have earlier curfews. 11pm at weekends unless a specific event.

There is likely to be something he needs from you that you can remove as a consequence for breaking rules. Who gives him lifts, money etc? Who pays for his phone?