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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had a heart sinking thought about ds(17)

109 replies

ssd · 05/03/2016 21:26

Now, hes a great boy, am not worried about him. He's just started a part time job and did a long shift today then went straight to his girlfriends, shes lovely too. I'm happy for him. BUT I've just had a horrible premonition of the future and please don't pile in and tell me I'm wrong. I only have boys. Most of the girls his age I know are close to their mums and spent a lot of time with them. I'm presuming his gf is close to her mum and family. Ds is close to us but very independent too. I've just seen the future, him spending more time with her family than with us. I've always been at home for the boys and always been about for them. I'm just always here. If and when ds spends more time with his inlaws gf's family as a matter of course I will be heartbroken. I;ll tell no one but thats how I'll be. I cant actually bare it.

OP posts:
AStreetcarNamedBob · 05/03/2016 21:28

Mum of 3 boys here... I'm so close to my mum .... I hear you. People belittle the worry but they don't understand. My boys are all pre school so a long way off but statistically I know how it will go.

LadyPenelope68 · 05/03/2016 21:30

Mum to two boys here and I totally understand how you are feeling. Makes me feel sick to think about it Sad

ShebaQueen · 05/03/2016 21:30

I know exactly how you fell ssd. I only have boys too and am seeing less and less of them now as they spend more time with their gf's families. I make a massive effort not to moan or nag, I'd hate to think they stayed here just to please me, but it's so tough Sad I try to congratulate myself on bringing them up to be independent and also make the most of having a clean bathroom and access to the remote!

ScarlettDarling · 05/03/2016 21:31

Sorry you're feeling so sad about this. I do think that girls tend to be closer to their parents than boys, but of course that's just a generalisation. Every family is different.

I'm the only daughter, but I have 3 brothers. My brothers all see my mum regularly, at least once a week. I see her more often, and text or call when I haven't seen her for a few days, but my brothers are all very much on the scene.

My next door neighbour has two grown up sons who dote on her and both visit every day!

You know, if your son does drift towards his daughter's family a bit more, you will cope with it. These things sometimes seem unbearable for a while but it's amazing what we can get used to. Big hugs.

RudeElf · 05/03/2016 21:34

Im a mum of two (younger) boys but i wasnt close to my mum at all and as a result spent all my time in my teen boyfriend's house getting to know his mum and sister.

Advice: keep a welcoming attitude. If he feels he can bring GF home and not be embarrassed or quizzed and get some privacy then he will.

StealthPolarBear · 05/03/2016 21:37

Mil has two sons. We see her just as much as we see my parents, and bil and silver see her often as well. Dcs have a brilliant relationship with all four grandparents

Sleepybunny · 05/03/2016 21:37

Just wanted to say, that I spend more time with my DHs parents than my own, despite being very close to my mum. I see my MIL as a second mum and she treats me like one of her daughters. It's not set in stone. Flowers

friendlyfoxes · 05/03/2016 21:39

The relationship the girl has with her mum is key.

It is difficult though Flowers

poocatcherchampion · 05/03/2016 21:39

We go to pils loads too, mostly at my instigation as I like them and my parents live far away. Dh is delighted but probably would organise it

Original poster
ssd · 05/03/2016 21:41

elf, I do that now. I keep it low key, he knows his gf is welcome ere and he'll never be quizzed on anything. But god it hurts. My parents are dead, I was very very close to them. My older brother left home and rarely visited, he left my mum to it when she was elderly and ran after his FIL when he became ill.

I'm seeing a different side to this and its making me feel a bit sick. Didnt expect this.

OP posts:
Minniemagoo · 05/03/2016 21:43

I love my MIL to bits, she's great but slightly quirky in an old fashioned way. My mother had a great relationship with my gran (her MIL) till Gran died and always told me how lucky she was so I wanted that too iykwim.
I am happily hosting MIL for dinner tomorrow and am forever grateful she treats me like one of her own.

friendlyfoxes · 05/03/2016 21:43

It was forefront in my mind when starting a family TBH.

I always knew I'd lose a son.

Ratatattat · 05/03/2016 21:43

I hear you. I feel the same.

Original poster
ssd · 05/03/2016 21:47

I would want him to have a gf or a wife who is close to her family, I think having that is a lovely thing. But I also know it puts me way down the pecking order.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 05/03/2016 21:48

friendly, please dont say that. All I have is two sons.

OP posts:
Chillywhippet · 05/03/2016 21:53

I remember visiting my grandmother in hospital and my uncle was there. He helped his mum wash her face, brush her hair, cleaned her glasses and put lip balm on. My nan had sons and daughters and her sons were devoted to her and her to them.

My eldest DD has a lovely boyfriend. She spends quite a lot of time with his family or they are here together. I do like it when I get to spend some time with just her. Things change as they get older. We are always playing catch up

slugseatlettuce · 05/03/2016 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

friendlyfoxes · 05/03/2016 21:55

I know ssd, I have no other family, but what can you do?

You have to let them go.

Original poster
ssd · 05/03/2016 21:55

I cant bare to lose him. I'm already so jealous of friends with teenage girls who go shopping or for coffee together, I listen to them and die a bit inside, I'd love that. I have no mum, sister, MIL, aunty, no females in my family. I have my pals but its not the same. And now I've just seen the future and its worse than just now. I cant bare it.

OP posts:
friendlyfoxes · 05/03/2016 21:55

Sounds like unresolved grief to me.

DaphneWhitethigh · 05/03/2016 21:58

My PILs are down here to visit all the time, and I know my aunt spends loads of time looking after her DS's children. I'm much much closer to my DMIL than my DH is to my parents. (I spend lots of time visiting them or on the phone, but DH has a friendly but emotionally distant relationship with them). Likewise my DB is very close to our parents and has a friendly but distant relationship with his DPILs. It's honestly not inevitable that you'll have that sort of pattern.

Original poster
ssd · 05/03/2016 22:01

could be friendly, I always think when something affects you really deeply its got roots somewhere else, usually in the past...but nothings going to change how I feel, only time.

OP posts:
Hassled · 05/03/2016 22:03

Oh you don't ever lose them. My oldest boy is mid 20s now - he has a lovely partner, she's close to her parents so they spend a fair bit of time there. But he still comes up for the weekend, he still just slots back in to family life like he'd never moved out, he still leaves yoghurt pots lying around - it doesn't really change. Don't panic.

friendlyfoxes · 05/03/2016 22:04

Ssd, I'm shattered and won't make any sense now, but tomorrow I'll pm you if you don't mind Flowers

In the meantime, love to you. You won't lose your son but the relationship will change. But you will gain grandchildren Flowers

Ludways · 05/03/2016 22:04

Every "I hate my MIL" thread on here makes my heart sink.

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