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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Just had a heart sinking thought about ds(17)

109 replies

ssd · 05/03/2016 21:26

Now, hes a great boy, am not worried about him. He's just started a part time job and did a long shift today then went straight to his girlfriends, shes lovely too. I'm happy for him. BUT I've just had a horrible premonition of the future and please don't pile in and tell me I'm wrong. I only have boys. Most of the girls his age I know are close to their mums and spent a lot of time with them. I'm presuming his gf is close to her mum and family. Ds is close to us but very independent too. I've just seen the future, him spending more time with her family than with us. I've always been at home for the boys and always been about for them. I'm just always here. If and when ds spends more time with his inlaws gf's family as a matter of course I will be heartbroken. I;ll tell no one but thats how I'll be. I cant actually bare it.

OP posts:

friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 06:36

It really isn't as simple as 'be a good nice mil and you will get your bone visits' armchair

Unless the daughters relationship with her family is poor, hers will take priority over yours.

ArmchairTraveller · 06/03/2016 06:41

No, it's not simple or easy to make the effort that enables an extended family to work well, especially if you aren't geographically close.
Or if you have the sort of relationships which rely on the woman to do all the connecting, cards, present buying and remembering of relatives for both partners whilst the man happily delegates all that. But our families don't work like that.

Spandexpants007 · 06/03/2016 06:51

Not all girls and boys are close to their mums. If you're welcoming and accepting of his girlfriends, you stand a good chance of them enjoying being at your house

maybebabybee · 06/03/2016 06:51

I actually think it's quite difficult to see both families a totally equal amount unless you live near to both. My family are a 10 minute drive away. DP's are 2 hours away. So of course we see mine more.

I am closer to my family than DP is to his but I do.encourage him to be in touch often with his parents. I speak to my mum every day. If he wanted to speak to his every day that would be fine, but he says he wouldn't know what to speak to her about.

My DBRO on the other hand spends more time with our family than with his oh's. Everyone is different.

WhatBloodyTimeDoYouCallThis · 06/03/2016 07:02

Ssd - my MIL definitely gained me! My dh and she are still close but I see her more often (mostly collecting dc - they adore her btw), we speak on the phone 3 or 4 times a week and she treats me like her daughter and I think of her as my second mum. All is not lost. You may not end up losing a son but gaining a daughter and grandchildren

Loulou2kent · 06/03/2016 07:21

I'm so sad about this too. 2ds's & we won't do all the things I do with my mum & sister. I just need to really hope they both get lovely partners that enjoy spending time with me. X X

Threeboysandus · 06/03/2016 07:27

Mum of three boys here. Dp has two sisters and they are definitely better with his mum but he's not too bad. I'm planning on hopefully forming a good bond with my daughter/son in laws and that will maybe ensure more visits!

It is scary though. My brother is terrible with my mum. I'm working today for Mother's Day so had to ring him to make sure he visits her! He will prob only drop in for an hour.

treaclesoda · 06/03/2016 07:28

I am close to my parents and dh is close to his parents. Both sets of parents live within 15 minutes drive from us, so distance isn't an issue.

If I were forced to which family we (as in our whole family, me, dh and dc) are closer to it would be his. I don't think it's true that a family will always be closer to the female's parents.

treaclesoda · 06/03/2016 07:30

Forced to choose that should say...

annandale · 06/03/2016 07:32

I love my PILs and though I'm far from the perfect DIL and we don't have the perfect relationship, they have welcomed me so wonderfully from day 1 already pregnant DH saw and spoke to them a bit more often before I came on the scene but tbh I don't think they mind because I am there to support him and I believe they appreciate that - because they've told me.

Your DS's future partners are real people and will expand your family.

they are coming for tea today and I've made a cake for MIL. I'll speak to my mum on the phone.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 06/03/2016 07:42

I've a brilliant mum and MIL. But I can see how different the involvement and closeness is for my MIL with her 2 daughters compared to her 2 sons. The boys are just less interested in meeting up for tea and wandering around the shops etc. A bit of a stereotype but stereotypes happen because of large groups of people behaving in a certain way. I've a son and two daughters. I love them all the same and will do my best to draw my son into enjoying my company for us just to hang out and will try to teach him (and the girls!) what a good partner is so that hopefully I can get good daughter (and son) in laws. But I have a sneaking suspicion it will be he girls who come on a spa day with me!

Original poster

ssd · 06/03/2016 09:45

I guess the answer is to cultivate my female friendships and my marriage

Its funny how life works out though

I just didnt see this bit coming

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 06/03/2016 10:30

Yy to actively looking after female friendships and marriage.

I had a bit of wakeup call to that last year when a disaster struck and found out who my friends were.

I don't like wandering around the shops so won't miss that aspect of it at least

ssd, I hope you have a lovely Mother's Day and that things won't turn out as bleak as you foresee just now

Original poster

ssd · 06/03/2016 10:34

thanks pacific, I hope everyone on this thread has as good a day as poss too

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 06/03/2016 10:40

Its hard when children grow up and away well its not away just more independant there is a shift in dynamic my youngest is 18 and realising my baby is agrown up is has been a challange

Original poster

ssd · 06/03/2016 10:44

my youngest is nearly 15 and I've got him for a bit longer...he actually gave me a cuddle for mothers day, it made my day!

I would never share my worries or fears with my boys, I want them to grow up happy and independent and travel the world, and never worry about seeing me or not. I just dont want them to forget me.

OP posts:

RainyAfternoon · 06/03/2016 13:00

ssd two things – firstly, fears are not predictions so try not to waste too much energy now worrying because you just don't know what will happen. In my own family's case it is all about geography – both my sister and I have moved overseas with our own families (probably not permanently). My brother lives in the same town as my parents and they see a lot of him and his family.
Second thing – we do grieve for our little children as they grow up however well it turns out. I think it hits you hardest with your first born. I recently spent three days in a row in tears when I noticed my DD showing the first signs of puberty. Nothing wrong, a bit earlier than expected, but everything is normal. Had no idea I would react that way. But our babies getting older is just emotional. Give yourself a break. Let yourself feel the way you are feeling for a bit, then trying to put your chin up and move forwards with a smile. Hopefully it will all work out for you.

FreezePeach · 06/03/2016 16:46

Two boys here, 18 and 20.
Ever since I've been on MN I have shuddered at those MIL bashing threads.

It was always my fear that I would lose them when they grew up. DH was a bad example. His parents were the kindest, sweetest people you could wish for and yet he only ever rang them when I reminded him. It used to tug my heart how grateful his mother was when he visited. I could never get him to understand that a two minute phone call once or twice a week would make his mother so happy.
I don't want to feel grateful for visits from my sons when I am old. Old age is depressing.

Having said all that I can see more clearly now the adults my sons will become and the possibility of gaining daughters in law could actually be lovely. DS1 has a steady GF who is delightful and I have always bent over backwards to make her feel welcome and part of the family.

Doingthedo · 06/03/2016 16:54

You only lose them if you're unwelcoming to the DIL....I've tried for years with my MIL but when you're told you don't count because you're not 'blood' you end up drifting away, my DH rarely sees his parents, but that's because they're twats, not because he is a male child iykwim

scarlets · 06/03/2016 17:07

I think that you may be worrying unnecessarily. Unless you and your OH keep an unwelcoming or weird sort of home, or you forever treat your son as mummy's precious little prince (this irritates DiLs!) you will get on well with most girls and with luck, will gain a fab daughter one day (and maybe a nice new friend if you get to know her mum).

mercifulTehlu · 06/03/2016 17:07

I have one of each and tbh it has never really occurred to me to think that dd will end up being closer to me than ds. I talk to my mum (and dad ) often on the phone but I now live 4 hrs away from them. I wouldn't expect dd or ds to choose where to live in order to live near me. I don't have a super-close mum-girl type relationship with my dm. We get on very well but it's not one of those emotional, tell each other everything type things. I'd say dh has as close a relationship with his dm as I do with mine tbh. MIL probably doesn't see eye-to-eye with me on a lot of things but she keeps that to herself and has always been incredibly welcoming and supportive. I'm lucky, I know.

Mooseygoose · 06/03/2016 17:13

I've thought of this a lot as I have boys. I have a pretty bad relationship with my mil, I've never felt welcome or part of the family and we have totally opposite outlooks, values and principles. She treated her own mil badly and second best to her own family so I think she made assumptions on how she would be treated by a dil iyswim.

Mil and dh are not close but again it's due to the way she treats him and our dc, no interest at all and I know how dh would love to have a good relationship with her like he does with his grandma and aunt.

My plan is to be welcoming and supportive to keep my mouth shut and not to interfere in my sons relationships.

I was a bit sad not to have a daughter but I have 3 teenage nieces and honestly they have no interest in shopping and coffee with their mums at least not at the moment anyway.

My aunt only has boys they are grown up now with wives and children of their own and they have a brilliant relationship with their mum as do the wives. I really hope to emulate that when my boys are older.

Rosepetal72 · 08/03/2016 08:55

Just my thoughts. I am 43, my brother is 41. My brother has always been so much closer to my mum (even when he was married) whereas I am much more practical with my help but I do call often. I have a son and daughter and last year our 20 year old son told us he was gay (we had absolutely no clue at all despite having a close relationship) so we won't be 'losing' him to a daughter-in-law. Our friends have a son and daughter and both have moved abroad (I know, scary on so many levels). What I'm trying to say is that we all make assumptions on how the future is going to play out and it's partly down to society's expectations but there are so, so many variables so do try and keep an open mind and take it as it comes :)

Whathaveilost · 08/03/2016 09:08

I have two teenage sons who both have gas. One son is 19 and spends most nights at her house, along with her mum and dad. DS 2 is 16 and his gf lives about 50 miles away so DS spends time with her family as well and loves it.

What I have done is created a great relationship with the gfs. They have always been made welcome. Sometimes ( without it sounding weird) DH will go out on an evening out with them eg occasionally the cinema followed by a meal, a gig, an activity such as paint balling.

We have taken the girlfriends on holiday with us and had a great time. Neither of the gf had travelled much before and now really enjoy it and do it with my sons.

I think what I'm trying to say is to help keep a good relationship with sons is to have a great relationship with his partner. There have been times when I haven't liked the behaviour of ds2s gf but would never openly criticised it but offer a gentle opinion ONLY when asked. ( that said, the behaviour wasn't bad or disrespectful or anything, not sure how I would handle it if it was!)

mycatsloveeachother · 08/03/2016 09:14

'Two teenage sons who both have gas'

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