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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Just had a heart sinking thought about ds(17)

109 replies

ssd · 05/03/2016 21:26

Now, hes a great boy, am not worried about him. He's just started a part time job and did a long shift today then went straight to his girlfriends, shes lovely too. I'm happy for him. BUT I've just had a horrible premonition of the future and please don't pile in and tell me I'm wrong. I only have boys. Most of the girls his age I know are close to their mums and spent a lot of time with them. I'm presuming his gf is close to her mum and family. Ds is close to us but very independent too. I've just seen the future, him spending more time with her family than with us. I've always been at home for the boys and always been about for them. I'm just always here. If and when ds spends more time with his inlaws gf's family as a matter of course I will be heartbroken. I;ll tell no one but thats how I'll be. I cant actually bare it.

OP posts:

ElectraAzalea · 05/03/2016 22:29

I'm probably the horrible DIL in many people's eyes on here..

I am really close to my parents/family. DH has never been massively close to his parents. We see far more of my family than my inlaws. We now live far closer to my family than his family too. The thing is, I honestly never would have wanted to prioritise my family over DH's; I got on very well with my ex fiance's family and I enjoyed spending time with them. My inlaws are perfectly nice people but they are old fashioned, and it isn't easy to relax around them. They are uptight and conversation doesn't always flow easily. Things have become very awkward at times particularly since we moved nearer my family. MIL has explicitly said on several occasions that she is jealous of the time we spend with my family (we still see them regularly, although admittedly less often since we have moved as we've had a very busy time recently). She confronted me when DH was out of the room once and made me very uncomfortable. In ways I feel sorry for her but she hasn't been easy to get along with at times and has put expectations upon us and interfered. My own family are very easy going, relaxed and good fun, my DH once said he feels more comfortable around them than his own family. I would happily spend more time with inlaws if it were a more cheerful prospect to be honest but we always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and like we have to be on best behaviour.

I have a DD and a DS, both preschool. Who knows what either of them will think of me in the future, I'm aiming for them to just be healthy, happy, and not hate me! Hopefully though they will both feel relaxed in my company. I would hate for them to feel uncomfortable around me.

ssd I'm no help, this is just my experience in my own life. My brother who is 25 still lives at home, he is currently single. He has a different relationship with our parents to me but he gets on really well with them and he has said to me he feels relaxed around them and like he can talk to them about anything.

tellmemore1982 · 05/03/2016 22:29

I have one of each, but wanted to say that my DH is one of two boys. My PIL live nearby and are actively involved in everything we do. I love them dearly as I would my own parents (who are not so near), and I know they see me as they would a DD. They are loving, accepting, kind and fun and have always made me feel part of their family. I just wanted to say it can work, what you as mums of boys do for your DS and their partners does make a difference and is valued (and it helps if you also live nearby!).

23jumpstreet · 05/03/2016 22:35

Oh ssd just think you might gain a lovely daughter in law and she may be like a daughter to you.

katienana · 05/03/2016 22:35

My dbro and dsil spend more time with my parents than hers. Her parents are lovely people but there has always been a bit of awkwardness about stopping over. My mum is a very good cook I think they are also attracted by the food! My parents never put on any pressure to see them but are always welcoming when we do go. I think if you make your home a nice place to be it won't be a problem.

Original poster

ssd · 05/03/2016 22:37

that would be lovely 23jumpstreet

I cant get my mum back but I might get a daughter one day

OP posts:

whattodowiththepoo · 05/03/2016 22:37

Son of mother here. Stop worrying it will all work out, good luck on your life.

steppemum · 05/03/2016 22:38

my brothers are all close to their mum.

dhs family, none of them are close to dh family, but all 3 (2 boys and a girl) are close to their in laws. Which means that sil is closer to her pil than to her own family and that her dh is close to his mum.

it really depends on so many things, like where you live, grandchildren, and if you look after them at all and so on.
My 2 SIL get on well with my mum and if they lived closer would do lunch meet ups and shopping with her.

PacificDogwod · 05/03/2016 22:39

See, I think it is a horrible expectation to place on a child (any child, but particularly daughters, clearly) that they are expected to 'be there' for their ageing parents. Any just why should it be daughters in particular?!

My mother is one of 2 girls, she almost killed herself over looking after my dementing gran; her sister did bugger all

I am actively making plans to ensuring that none of my DCs will be expected to look after me - I'd honestly rather pay a stranger/be in a care home (I've chose mine ). I want them to want to spend time with me (and me with them) and not out of some kind of sense of obligation.

PacificDogwod · 05/03/2016 22:40

Yes, think of it as 'gaining a daughter', not 'losing a son' - trite, but quite a helpful sentiment, I think.

JennyOnAPlate · 05/03/2016 22:41

If it makes you feel any better op, dh is much closer to his parents than I am to mine. And come to think of it my brother is close to our parents and I'm not!

Original poster

ssd · 05/03/2016 22:44

its not that simple pacific

when your parent is elderly and frail and aged, they need help and unless you have unlimited money to throw around then you have to help them...of course you could do what my siblings and your aunt did and do fuck all, but that's up to you.

I looked after my mum like I looked after my kids, not because anyone expected me to but because I loved them.

And getting an old person into sheltered housing or a care home is bloody hard going, unless again, you have the money to throw at the problem. Which I didnt.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 05/03/2016 22:44

My dd is at her fiancees more than they are here but when they are 17 you hardly see them anyway boy or gitl don't worry he is leaving you .my mil brought her sons up mostly alone she was really terrified she would lose her sons but tbh with you i preferred her company to my mums

PacificDogwod · 05/03/2016 22:47

Yes, I know, ssd

But the weight of expectation is much more on daughters and I think that is wrong.
And because being old AND poor AND sick frightens me more than anything I can think of I am putting an large proportion of my income by. I know I am lucky to be in a position to be able to do that.

Sorry to digress.
The point I was aiming for was that caring for an elderly parent vs wanting to stay in contact with ones birth family should not be muddled up as the same issue.

mangocoveredlamb · 05/03/2016 22:49

Both my DH and his brother have remained really close to their parents.

I am quite close to my parents, but due to boarding school always felt a bit rootless. So we decided to move to my DH's hometown. We see the PIL all the time and have a much more intimate and casual relationship with them than I do with my own parents.
Don't despair yet!!

Original poster

ssd · 05/03/2016 22:51

maybe I was lucky in that mum never expected anything from me, she never asked for anything and was just really grateful for anything I did for her.

I expected more from my sister and brother, for mums sake. But it never happened.

OP posts:

Jesabel · 05/03/2016 22:56

ssd - I have two little boys and worry about the same thing. DP and I argue regularly over whether to have a 3rd baby and in truth I want to have one last chance at a girl.

DP and my brother are much less close to their parents and me and my sister are - in fact we only really see DP's parents when I organise it. We are always at my parents' instead.

treaclesoda · 05/03/2016 23:30

I don't know if this might ease your worries a little but I've been with my dh since we were about 18. He spent every weekend at my house, was like a member of the family. But it all settled down once we married and now he sees his parents regularly and takes the DC to see them regularly. His mum probably felt worried, but in the end it was OK.

minsmum · 05/03/2016 23:43

My dd spends all her time at her boyfriends parents home. At Christmas she was supposed to spend lunch with us then go to his and they would both come back boxing day evening. What actually happened was on Christmas day she met up with friends came back at 3 we had dinner then the boyfriend turned up at 5 so off they went and didn't come over on boxing day as his mother had arranged something. So all over Christmas we saw her for 2 hours.
It's not always that the dd's parents come first

leavemealone2015 · 05/03/2016 23:45

Hi OP . My eldest do has such a lovely gf and they live with us. It's like having another family member and we get on really well. We would go out for a walk or to town together even if do wasn't going.
You are looking on the bad side and panicking . It will be fine

endofmytethertake100 · 06/03/2016 00:22

I feel the same but I have a DD she is nearly 15 and unlike your perception she won't do shopping/lunch dates unless I have hundreds to spare. She spends more time with her bfs boyfriend so same can happen with girls

nooka · 06/03/2016 00:42

I'm one of four, with two sisters and a brother. I have emigrated, and my middle sister spent many years abroad too. My brother on the other hand sees my mother most weekends. Don't assume that you'll lose your sons, there is an awful lot more to relationships with your children than is determined by their gender. He may want to spend lots of time at his gf's parents house now, but that doesn't necessarily mean a) he wants to spend lots of time with them (as opposed to with the gf) and b) he won't want to spend time with your family too.

What is true is that he will in time want his own home, and so you will see less of him. I think it's important to think about what you will do then, and make you have lots of positive things lined up.

Canyouforgiveher · 06/03/2016 00:48

My dh is one of 6 boys. His mother is one of the nicest loveliest women I know. All of her sons love her as do all of her daughters in law. She is a blast to spend time with and visits us and spends longer with us than my own mother used to do (and I get less crazed by her - and I loved my own mum dearly). She lived with one of my sisters in law for months when her house was being done up and it was fine.

She sees more of the grandchildren who live near her than their other grannies do- mostly because she genuinely enjoys their company, took on two step grandchildren as if they were her own, acts like her sons are lucky to have the women they do (in fairness my FIL was the same), and helps a lot. And she is interesting and great fun and hasn't a passive aggressive bone in her body - nor a martyred one (she does do a great "unreliable narrator" though)

So she has all these lovely sons and now she has a group of adult women who love her dearly and like spending time with her.

Like leavemealone said, you are looking at the bad side and panicking. It will be fine.

KnitFastDieWarm · 06/03/2016 01:18

My dad is one of three boys; his older brother (aged 62) has moved back in with their mum (aged 86) following his divorce - so be careful what you wish for OP

In all seriousness, it sounds to me like you are lonely and still grieving, and this is something that you've focused on, which is entirely understandable. However as someone who is married to a lovely man with a lovely but desperately emotionally needy and overbearing mother, I'd say please try and relax about it for the sake of your future relationship with your son. I adore my MIL but her relationship with DH is fraught because of her desire for him to be a teenager living at home again - as a result she really misses out on having an adult relationship with the amazing grown man that he is today. The more your son feels able to develop an adult to adult relationship with you, the more likely he is to come back time and again. You sound like a loving and caring mother and you if your relationship is positive and honest then you will still be loved and needed when your son is grown and married, just in a new and different way.

ArmchairTraveller · 06/03/2016 06:14

The various brothers and brothers-in law in my family are very good as splitting their time between their relatives, they see their MIL as much as their mothers for longer visits, but phone and drop in briefly on their own parents more often.
But then, their wives and partners are supportive rather than hating their MILs and pushing for minimum contact, unlike how the majority of posters on MN who write about their partner's mothers seem to be.

DustyOwl · 06/03/2016 06:36

My two ds's are still small (7 and 4) but I would be lying if I said the this hadn't crossed my mind. It depends what mood I'm in to how I feel about it. Sometimes it's all doom and gloom and sometimes I look forward to having a bit of independence myself, as they enjoy theirs (although this might be linked to how they are behaving at the time!)

Just to add, my brother is probably not as close to my Mum as I am, but that is probably due to geography. However he is getting on a train from London today to surprise her for a few hours before heading back (it's a 3 hour train trip) because he missed the post!

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