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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had a heart sinking thought about ds(17)

109 replies

ssd · 05/03/2016 21:26

Now, hes a great boy, am not worried about him. He's just started a part time job and did a long shift today then went straight to his girlfriends, shes lovely too. I'm happy for him. BUT I've just had a horrible premonition of the future and please don't pile in and tell me I'm wrong. I only have boys. Most of the girls his age I know are close to their mums and spent a lot of time with them. I'm presuming his gf is close to her mum and family. Ds is close to us but very independent too. I've just seen the future, him spending more time with her family than with us. I've always been at home for the boys and always been about for them. I'm just always here. If and when ds spends more time with his inlaws gf's family as a matter of course I will be heartbroken. I;ll tell no one but thats how I'll be. I cant actually bare it.

OP posts:
MuddhaOfSuburbia · 05/03/2016 22:05

awww ikwym

mind you my OH and his brother always visited their lovely mum a lot

she was an excellent host, always glad to see them/us, loads of snacks for gcs, huge meals, roaring fire and well stocked drinks cabinet. And to my knowledge she never ONCE ran out of ice cubes

that of course had NOTHING to do with the frequency of their visits- helps tho Wink

I do miss her. She was a smashing MIL.

Ratatattat · 05/03/2016 22:05

I agree with whoever said depends a lot on the girls relationship with her family. If it's poor I think they will often embrace the boy's family.
I have friends who are so close to their monthers and sisters that their partners family never stood a chance.
My db sees a lot of dm but it's not the same relationship at all.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/03/2016 22:05

You can aim to have a daughterly bond with your sons' girlfriends in time.

I have sons so I hear what you are saying. I'm glad you're not preventing your son from moving on with his life because I think some mums do this from a fear of being left behind.

In a few years you may have a lovely grandchild to focus on.

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 22:05

I have 2 boys but don't really worry or think about it. I always wanted boys and was not fussed that I didn't have a DD.

If they choose to live a long way away when they leave home I won't see them all that often. They may even emigrate half way around the world. They will do whatever they want to do.

Sorry you are feeling this way ssd Flowers

Original poster
ssd · 05/03/2016 22:06

because of the way my brother has always been with my parents, I've always known I only had the boys for a short while and maybe thats why I've always been here, I know I mother them too much sometimes but I've always felt I had to whilst I still had them. Now I see ds1 slowly drifting away and it hurts.

OP posts:
Bassetfeet · 05/03/2016 22:06

ssd I know exactly how you feel and didn't expect it either .
Like you have always kept a friendly low profile and no interference but yes I know where I stand in the pecking order .
It seems to me that it is the natural order of things if the partner is close to their parents . It is what it is .
Just keep doing what you are doing well re welcome ,communication ..he still loves his mum .
I know for fact my son is going for a meal tomorrow with his inlaws for Mother's Day . But at some point he will come with card .
It gets easier to deal with .Thanks

passthewineplz · 05/03/2016 22:07

You're lucky that you've had 17 lovely years with him! 😉 My 5 year old DD has already told me that when she is 18 she is leaving home to live on her own. Sob! 😓😪😥😢

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 05/03/2016 22:08

I'm presuming his gf is close to her mum and family

you never know

I was/am close to my family, but always felt a lot more relaxed at MIL's

Original poster
ssd · 05/03/2016 22:09

I think I feel is more than I should as dh and the boys are the only family I have

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 05/03/2016 22:10

Aw, don't fret!

Mother of 4 boys here (no girls) and I'd be lying if I said I worried about 'losing' them to either their future partners or the in laws - que sera, sera tbh. I think it depends far more on individudals/circumstances than whether it's boys or girls.

Fwiw, my brother is much closer to our parents than I am, his wife has v little to do with her parents.

I fully expect my DSs to wander off for a bit, find their own way, have their adventures and lead their own lives. I am looking forward to bit more freedom and leading my life and am hoping that they will want to stay in touch and visit from time to time. Just like I will visit them Grin

I am fully planning on becoming a vair cool MiL btw too Wink

ssd, Thanks

gleam · 05/03/2016 22:12

I preferred my mil to my mother. She was thoughtful and generous with her time. She put herself out for me and I appreciated it. My kids also had a great relationship with her.

It's not set in stone, ssd. Flowers

Original poster
ssd · 05/03/2016 22:12

oh Bassett, god thats a killer "I know for fact my son is going for a meal tomorrow with his inlaws for Mother's Day"

I dont expect a fuss or anything for mothers day and its still raw since I lost my mum, but that sentence just kills me

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 05/03/2016 22:12

I see my job as a mother to be making myself redundant - I will have done a good job when they go off to live independent of me and chose to come back from time to time.

Maybe it will hit me in a while - there's time still; DS1 is only 13 and DS4 almost 6….

Hassled · 05/03/2016 22:14

It's not set in stone - you don't know how it will end up. Those "I hate my MIL" threads are usually because the DH/DP is too close to their mother for the partner's liking - just because your offspring is male, it doesn't mean they slip away any more than a DD might. If your relationship is good, you'll be OK. It will be different, but OK.

Lolimax · 05/03/2016 22:14

My own 18 yr old DS is presently lying on the sofa beside me, drinking a bottle of cider, playing with one of our naughty kittens. He's applying to join the Reserves. We've always been close but actually as he's become an adult he seems to enjoy my company more, which I love.

Original poster
ssd · 05/03/2016 22:15

thanks

I know nothing is set in stone. My sister was just as shite with our parents as my brother was.

OP posts:
SimonLeBonOnAndOn · 05/03/2016 22:16

I know exactly how you feel OP. I have two sons and
two brothers.
I am close to my Mum, my brothers barely make an effort.
My mum would never see them if she didn't make the effort to ring/ visit ( unless they need a babysitter)

Then my mum will say to me ' thank god I have you, imagine if I didn't have a daughter'

Guess how that makes me feel?

My boys are 16 and 13 now, and rarely want to do anything or go anywhere with me.
Sad

RhombusRiley · 05/03/2016 22:17

Sorry you're so upset OP.

I know there are a lot of "hate my MIL" threads but some MILs are truly awful, controlling and overbearing.

If you're not like that though, a DIL will appreciate you. Not all women are close to their mums. I have a very difficult mum and I have really appreciated the kindness and motherliness of some of my boyfriends' mums towards me.

One day, you may have a granddaughter who has a close bond with you too.

Flowers
MrsBuddha · 05/03/2016 22:18

I have a DD of 23 and a DS of 20. Both have partners of their own. I would say I am equally close to them both. I felt a little sad this morning when a Mother's Day card arrived in the post from DD, even though she and her boyfriend are away for the weekend. There was nothing from DS and although I didn't think he would have forgotten I assumed he hadn't got round to getting anything in the post in time.

At 7 this evening there was a ring at the doorbell. There stood DS who had driven 100 miles straight after a day at work to bring me his card in person and stay to make me breakfast tomorrow. Please don't assume you won't stay close to your sons. Mine is strong, independent, has a lovely girlfriend, can be rubbish at keeping in touch, but ultimately he is still my boy.

GinThief · 05/03/2016 22:20

We see my DP parents more often than mine. Mainly due to the fact we live closer to his parents. I enjoy seeing the in-laws, we see it as they have gained a member of the family not lost a son Smile

Try not to worry too much about the future, enjoy the time you have with your son now

Original poster
ssd · 05/03/2016 22:22

some lovely stories of boys here!

Simon, that's exactly what mum used to say to me. I looked after her and always thanked god I was there because without me she'd have been stuffed.

OP posts:
Bassetfeet · 05/03/2016 22:23

Ohssd didn't want you to feel so sad at my comment
The inlaws have so much more money than us and are used to going out etc
A card is fine .
My other son lives in the Far East and hasn't a clue it is Mother's Day !
But interestingly thanks to FaceTime have more chat with him than his brother . Thank goodness for Technology .

You are feeling raw and vulnerable tonight and I do understand . But you will always be his mum always . If you needed him in a hurry I bet he would be there in a flash. It will be ok honest . Just takes a bit time to adjust .

Bunbaker · 05/03/2016 22:24

In our case DD's boyfriend always comes to our house and DD never goes to his because they have two cats and DD is very allergic to cats. I must admit that I am getting the impression that his parents are struggling to "let go".

On the other hand we are desperate for DD to be more independent. She suffers from social anxiety and as we are older parents with no family nearby we do worry that she is still so reliant on us (she is 15 BTW).

PortobelloRoad · 05/03/2016 22:24

I have all boys and one girl. I've never even considered this. Eldest DS is an adult and we see him all the time. We're all very close. Maybe it's our culture but I don't see this happening, nor have I seen it happening to others really. If anything I've seen the opposite so it's certainly not a set in stone thing OP.

madmother1 · 05/03/2016 22:25

Well, I'm the exception. My 19 year old DS and his GF are always at mine. He's been seeing her for nearly a year and has met her DM twice, never spends any time at her house. I can't understand how she isn't close to her DM. It's very sad and I do try to encourage my DS gf to spend time with her DM. I also adore my MIL. I've lost both my DP and value having her in my life.

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