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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is my son gay? Concerning behaviour.

29 replies

SimplySelena · 03/03/2016 19:19

Hi everyone. This is my first post so I'm sorry if I've posted in the wrong forum but recently I've been slightly concerned with my son's behaviour.

I have twin boys, both turned 17 recently, and my eldest (by seconds, but will refer to him as the eldest for the sake of differentiation) is demonstrating some behaviour which is concerning me. He has a really close friend from school who we have always loved having around the house, a very polite and friendly boy. However, I saw my eldest's phone on the counter and messages were coming through fast so instinctively I had a look - to my surprise, the name of his friend was there with the horny devil emoji next to it. Now this wouldn't concern me on its own however the messages were slightly explicit to say the least, they were talking about the next time they would get 'dirty' together. I have no problem with either of my sons being gay, my DH has admitted to experimenting with guys in the past, but it is disheartening to think that he can't tell me or his father.

I asked his brother, my youngest, whether he knew anything about their friendship and he seemed very aloof and unwilling to speak to me - further raising concerns and now my eldest has been very distant with me the past couple of days as his brother has probably told him I was snooping.

Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with this situation and make him feel more comfortable with telling me? Should I just leave it?

Apologies again if this is in the wrong place.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 03/03/2016 19:24

Well stop referring to it as concerning for starters! Its not concerning behaviour. As long as his friend/boyfriend are over 16 and consenting then they can be as explicit as they like.

How to deal with it? Ask him straight- are you gay? Not accusatory! Just when you're having a quiet few minutes together. Maybe when giving him a lift on his own. If he says no then accept it. But tell him that it wouldnt be an issue if he was or thought he was. And that youre always there if he wants to talk.

Fwiw i told my mum zero about my love life as a teen. Still dont.

Squashybanana · 03/03/2016 19:25

Well, he might be, but as he's over the age of consent it isn't really your business. In your shoes I'd be reinforcing that all sexual contact should be safe sex and trying to butt out. It is nice that his apparent partner is such a nice boy. Of course it could be banter but this seems fairly unlikely given their defensive reactions.

MrsJayy · 03/03/2016 19:29

Its not concerning its private messages you read your sons sex life is nothing to do with you if this lad is his boyfriend ask your son he might not want to come out as anything yet so be wary

MrsJayy · 03/03/2016 19:30

Sorry that looks snippy i didnt mean to be so blunt

Original poster
SimplySelena · 03/03/2016 19:35

RudeElf the part that concerns me is that he feels he can't be honest with me or open up to me, we've always had a very close relationship but thank you for your advice, I think that I'll just ask him straight now that he knows I've seen his messages anyway

OP posts:
Squashybanana · 03/03/2016 19:41

But it's not your business Selena, it is up to him whether he wants to tell you. You don't have any kind of right to be involved or informed unless he chooses to tell you. If he had been keen to talk and looking for an opportunity he probably would have said when you asked him. He is entitled to privacy. I think you need to leave it.

ouryve · 03/03/2016 19:44

Why are you concerned?

Think about what you would do if he was sharing such messages with a girl, his age. Unless you'd fid that "concerning", too, use that as your guide as to what to do (mostly keep your nose out unless he speaks to you or otherwise makes the extent of the friendship public).

ElderlyKoreanLady · 03/03/2016 19:46

There's nothing concerning here. If he's gay, he'll tell you when he's good and ready.

Pinkheart5915 · 03/03/2016 19:53

I would just leave it. You say you aren't bothered if he is gay etc so he must know your open minded.
I think he has to decide when to tell you, he's 17 so is up to him really.

milkbottle · 03/03/2016 19:55

Leave it and let him come out to you in his own time.

RatherBeRiding · 03/03/2016 19:57

Well if he wants to tell you he will, when he's ready. Would you expect him to tell you that he was hetero?

The fact that you've obviously been looking at his phone is possibly making him unwilling to discuss anything so personal.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/03/2016 20:00

Why are you reading your son's messages?!

If there is anything he wants you to know, he'll tell you, but if he finds out you've been snooping he won't trust you with anything important going forward.

FetchezLaVache · 03/03/2016 20:04

I think the only concerning thing here is that you think your son is gay and instead of either talking to him or leaving him alone to come out to you in his own good time, you're trying to prise the information out of his twin brother.

CauliflowerBalti · 03/03/2016 20:05

I don't think you can do or say anything. The same as if he was messaging a girl. He'd tell you about it when he was ready.

I'd be... not concerned. Upset. That my son didn't feel he could tell me.

Then I'd conclude that he wouldn't automatically 'come out' to me as straight, so why should he do it if he's gay? He'll tell me when he tells me. Just carry on being his mum, inviting his friend over...

LeanneBattersby · 03/03/2016 20:06

I'm 36 and I've never discussed my sex life with my mother. Why would I? I'd just leave him to it and never, ever tell him you've read his texts.

katemiddletonsothermum · 03/03/2016 20:07

Assume he is. Be kind to both of them. Tell him you love him just as he is and just as he wants to be. That should be enough.

katemiddletonsothermum · 03/03/2016 20:09

My friend was getting quite emotional because her 17yr old had just come out. I said that I wouldn't mind if my own son came out as gay because then I'd have two sons who adored me, rather than a daughter in law who hated me. Don't know if that helps at all.

WeveGotAHomelessLove · 03/03/2016 20:15

HRTFT

He's obviously not ready to come out yet and for all you know he could just be experimenting so maybe doesn't feel the need to tell you or anybody for that matter.

Leave him alone, dont make things awkward, dont treat him differently and DO NOT confront him, coming out to your parents is extremely hard (even if they're the most understanding parents in the world)

I knew i had feelings for girls at 15 but i wasnt 100% sure i was a lesbian and it took me untill i was 19 and sure before i told my mother (who is awsome btw)
But it was the one of the most difficult things ive ever done!

bettyberry · 03/03/2016 20:18

Why do you need to know, OP? I mean, at 17 you can assume both your teenagers are having sex or will be very soon regardless of their partners gender.

There are a few things you can do. You could ask them both (and I would ask them both because that way if your eldest is gay you are not singling him out over being different) about their relationships, they might tell you. They might not.

Don't ask and continue to wonder.

Or just have another chat with both boys and be a proactive parents letting them know they can come to you or you will help them get support if they have any questions. Make sure they have access to things like condoms and lubricants and the details of local youth sexual health support and that you, as a parent will respect their privacy including their phones.

Just remember at 17 they are both legal. The don't have to tell you anything, They most likely wont but letting them both know that whatever they are up to you will support them 100% is essential.

Devilishpyjamas · 03/03/2016 20:20

I wouidn't ask. I suspect one of my sons might be gay. I have just made sure he is aware that his parents are not remotely homophobic and we don't have an opinion on heterosexual vs homosexual relationships. If he is he can tell us in his own time

lunar1 · 03/03/2016 20:22

He's not ready to tell you. If he knows you have snooped on his phone he may withdraw further. Don't turn this into a confrontation.

NerrSnerr · 03/03/2016 20:26

Why were you reading his messages?

He might be gay, he might not. If he is he will come out in his own time. I don't see what's concerning at all.

MajesticWhine · 03/03/2016 22:02

If this concerns you have a think.about whether you would feel the same if it was a girl, perhaps you are a bit squeamish about him doing things with a boy?
That aside, it's normal that teenagers of this age will be having sex. Put out some subtle messages that you are open minded and unconcerned and he might come out, at a time of his choosing.

OldandHorny · 07/03/2016 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ggirl · 07/03/2016 09:08

God I hate this mumsnet over reaction of 'mind your own business' when posters want to talk about their teenagers and phones and sex etc

its completely natural that she is interested ..she's his mum !

its also completely natural to glance at his messages if its in your face-human nature

and its also completely natural to want to ensure he is relaxed and happy about his sexuality and he knows to come to her if needed

OP is looking for some support not this relentless ..stay out of it ,you're a meddling mother insinuations